Tw Restriction - Blog Posts

I didn’t wanted to jinx it if I talked about it buuuut

24H F@ST DONE HAHA

I’m ⭐️ving right now so I’m gonna go eat something hehe I’m proud, I resisted to the school trip temptation :))

DAY 13

Really don’t know, maybe video and blogs.. ?

ON TODAYS FØØD EPISODE ✨

I didn’t take pictures but ate around 2000 I think

M3@b@b dayyyyy!! Finally!

I feel sooo heavy tho😭

DAY 11

CHEESE AND BREAD A 1000000000% couldn’t live my life without them I swear hahaha

ON TODAYS FØØD EPISODE 👑

Breakfast~ 1 ice Americano Lunch~ steamed vegetables with roasted chicken and creamy mushroom sauce + 1 ice Americano Snack~ smoothie bowl +passion fruit drink

Total:~ 1400

DAY 9

No cause I feel in control and helping nųmb!ñg my feelings

Still feel miserable tho, I’m well aware that’s a bad things and that I’m not good

ON TODAYS FØØD EPISODE 💅

Breakfast~ 1 ice Americano Lunch~ focaccia in cheese + chicken and egg’s salade +1 ice Americano Diner~ Ayam Goreng Rempah + Tofu and Tempe + ice Jeruk

Total:~ 1800 aaaaand… I feel sick lovely

The worst part is probably that I wanted to 3@t more today, for my m3@t@b day and I couldn’t.. At least I tried

ANYWAY

Okay soooo, didn’t do it. I tried, really… I even ordered some føød but I don’t know if I’ll be able to eat it. I really wanted to achieve that but I feel so sick right now

Wanna know the funniest part? Even with this potential diner I wouldn’t have reached the 1800...

Okay so it’s been 3 weeks since I started and I think it’s time to add a “m3t@b day” to the routine First as a challenge, to prove myself that I’m in control and that I won’t f*€k everything up this time Second, because I don’t want to damage to much my m3t@bøl!sm and g@!n everything back just because of a wrong day And last but not least, as an experiment to see how it will affects my bød¥ (did I g@!n3d, løst or st@gn@t3d) But honestly I’m supposed to 3@t more than 2000 A DAY ?? and I really don’t know how I’ll try tho, it cannot be that hard

Okay so it’s been 3 weeks since I started and I think it’s time to add a “m3t@b day” to the routine First as a challenge, to prove myself that I’m in control and that I won’t f*€k everything up this time Second, because I don’t want to damage to much my m3t@bøl!sm and g@!n everything back just because of a wrong day And last but not least, as an experiment to see how it will affects my bød¥ (did I g@!n3d, løst or st@gn@t3d) But honestly I’m supposed to 3@t more than 2000 A DAY ?? and I really don’t know how I’ll try tho, it cannot be that hard

OMG OMG OMG

-3 on the sc@l3 ??? In a week!! And I didn’t count the liquids that I drank this morning (~1L)

I know it’s probably a lot of water but I still feel so happy it’s going down, KEEP GOING DOWN (to myself)

DAY 8

“I r3l@psed” Afraid AND ashamed

DAY 7

At the time, it was for the attention of other, I was craving validation. I wanted to stop people jokes about the way I looked and getting some kind of revenge I guess (I wasn’t fat nor skinny they were just mean + bød¥ d¥smørph!@ didn’t help) Now it’s more like an obsession helping to stop overthinking and numbing my feelings. I don’t do that for people, actually I don’t want them to notice nor asking questions, the “looking” part is just additional motivation because it’s just not the main purpose this time And actually it’s working, I’m feeling less miserable than 2~3 weeks ago so happy 🧚✨

DAY 5

TW toxic

I used to watch a lot of mukbang content before but I don’t anymore I still watch spsi vs spsk tho (over and over again haha) and now I watch W-H (iykyk), they are really toxic in my opinion, I don’t like them and it’s scary to think that teenagers and children can end up watching they video (that why I won’t give any other info) BUT let’s say that it’s my m3@nspø of the day

Especially if they give you the nonchalant treatment

Like you thought I would chase after you?? B!tc# I don’t have enough time for that lmao I have to be sk!n! Before summer wtf

Forget men I literally just want to look good in clothes

Just weighed myself for the first time since Sunday and apparently I weigh 0.1kg less than I did before I binged. Honestly I think my scale might be broken, or skinny fat has just got me in a crazy chokehold because I look way too fat to be BMI 16.3

Broke my fast with an egg and slice of toast, the guilt is low-key killing me but I’m walking it off tonight at work + I’m gonna take 25 lax.

It just hit me that I don’t want recovery, I just want to be happy.

And I know that recovery won’t change anything, eating won’t cure me of my depression so what’s the point. I don’t know how to feel now to be honest, I’ve romanticised getting sick enough to recover for so long because I thought it would bring that happiness but it won’t so now I don’t know what to do. I think that’s why I’ve been so suicidal lately, because I know deep down I’m just gonna be miserable forever no matter what I do so what’s the point in living at all.

Just woke up and weighed in at 47.7kg, .2kg under my goal weight. I know I should be excited but I’m not, I feel indifferent. In fact, I feel more fat than ever.

My next GW is 45kg.

Just took 25 laxatives even though the last time I took this much at once I ended up passed out on the floor with the worst stomach pain of my life, but I’m not taking any chances of maintaining for any longer.

Pray for me y’all 🙏🙏

BRO WHY DID I HAVE TO START MAINTAINING LITERALLY 0.2KG AWAY FROM MY GW WHAT THE FREAK I LITERALLY FASTED YESTERDAY AND STILL MAINTAINED

I used to love baking before I relapsed, I really miss it. Hopefully one day, if I finally get sick enough to deserve recovery, I can start doing it again.

Only .5kg away from my GW, and I actually think I’m gonna reach it this time considering besides the general temptations here and there I have no intention of binging.

My plan was to get my nails done to celebrate reaching my GW but I have to save my money, so if anyone has any other free/cheap reward ideas lmk !! 🫶

Broke my fast even though I wasn’t hungry, gave up 2 seconds into my workout and found out that due to binging and being a lazy fuck like I am tonight losertown estimates I’ll be at my ugw on the 10th of July, a whole month later than I had planned to reach it.

I want to die, I am constantly miserable and everyday I get closer and closer to genuinely just killing myself because I can’t take this. I hate my body and I hate my mind, I hate myself.

Oh.my.god.

The ice cream I’ve been including in my meal plan is 170 calories each, I thought they were 120 each. I’ve been eating 500, not 450. I know it doesn’t seem like much of a difference but oh my god I’m freaking out I can’t do this.

Why did I have to be social yesterday and invite my friend to hang out today now i just want to be alone and they are gonna make me eat but I can’t back out now I cannot do this

Update on the sushi situation from last night, I did end up eating it and something else which I deeply regret although if my calculations were right with the sushi I did stay under 500 cals. I hate how easily I gave into desire, I feel like I have no discipline whatsoever. To make up for breaking my fast early I’m going to fast for the entire weekend and maybe Monday, and work out even harder. God I hate myself.

Just saw a body check of my stomach from the morning before the binge episode I was so skinny I’m going to fucking end it why did I have to go anf ruin it

I bought some sushi impulsively and I want to eat it but I’m not sure how many calories are in it anf honestly I’m not that hungry and I’ve already fasted so far today so why break it now but I also really want the sushi RAHHHHHH

Fasted, got nearly 25k steps and completed a workout for the first time in a year and I feel fantastic.

May is going to be my month !! 🫶🫶

Locking in so hard for May, even if I don’t get to my UGW by June I’m getting to BMI 14.

I’m gonna fast 3 days a week minimum, laxatives everyday especially on non fasting days, stay under 450 cals a day, get at least 25g protein on non fasting days, 20k steps and 20 minutes Pilates a day + 30 minute strength training on non fasting days.

It seems unrealistic and I know I’m gonna lose motivation by the end of the week but I will persevere and stick to this plan, I can’t let another month go by no closer to my goal. This is all I have ever wanted, and I will get it.