*in a port mafia meeting*
Chuuya, looking down at 69 new guns Dazai bought: How did you pay for all of these again?
Dazai: I used your credit card, I memorized the number.
Dazai: It's 9481 6400 2--
Chuuya: *punches Dazai in the face so he stops talking*
Dazai: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Chuuya: Wow. They sound stupid.
Dazai: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.
Chuuya: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… "Hey! I love you!"
Dazai: I guess you’re right. Hey Chuuya, I love you.
Chuuya: See! Just say that!
Dazia: Holy fucking shit.
Chuuya: If that flies over their head then, sorry mackerel, but they're too dumb for you.
Dazai:
Chuuya: When I was 16 and incapable of expressing any feelings, I got a crush on someone and because I didn't know what else to do, I wrote them a letter on Christmas that said; "I hate your guts. Wish you are miserable for the rest of your life."
Dazai:
Dazai: ... wait whAT? IT WAS YOU?!
Chuuya: What do you want for christmas?
Dazai: You in a maid outfit.
Chuuya: 🖕
*skk flower shop au*
Chuuya, STORMING into the flower shop Dazai runs: *slams 20 bucks on the counter, startling him*
Chuuya: How do I passive-aggressively say “fuck you” in flower?
Dazai: *barely bats an eye after the initial shock* That depends on what you want. You could do geraniums for stupidity, foxglove for insincerity, yellow carnations for disappointment, or orange Lilly’s for hatred, anything else?
Chuuya:
Chuuya: … I think I’m in love with you.
Dazai: What?
Chuuya: What?
*how Dazai overcame his fear of dogs*
ada Dazai: They say that the phobias are overcomed by taking incremental steps to confronting the phobia in question.
ada Dazai: In my case, that started with watching a tv show that was adored by all children but for me was a staff of nightmares.
*flashback*
15!Dazai: *watches Scooby Doo*
*end of flashback*
ada Dazai: The next step was to come face to face with real dogs.
*flashback*
15!Dazai outside a pet shop, looking at 5 adorable puppies: Ok that's enough. *runs away scared*
*end of flashback*
ada Dazai: AND finally, a close encounter of the third kind; physicall contact with the canine spices.
ada Dazai: *points at Chuuya*
Atsushi: What was Chuuya like when he was a little?
Dazai: Oh I think you mean young. He's always been little.
Ango: They say partners can never be just friends. It's always sexual.
Dazai: *scoffs* That's dumb. Look at me and Chuuya. There's nothing sexual between us.
Oda:
Ango:
Chuuya, drunk: I mean Dazai is just an egotistical bitch who only cares about himself.
Kajii: Literally I just said I dont care.
Chuuya: And then he'll call me and try to see how my day was and he'll pretend to care about me and comment on my photos and laugh at my jokes and~
Hirotsu: Oh well, that's definitely your clue right there that it's all bullshit.
Chuuya: Ikr,
Chuuya: he's just a fake privilege asshole.
*married soukoku au*
Chuuya: I dont understand. I thought we were on the same page about kids. We talked about this.
Dazai: We did?
*flashback*
Chuuya: Aw, look at these pictures of Q and Elise.
Chuuya: *shows photos of the kids in a water park*
Dazai: Mm.
Chuuya: We should do this someday. What do you think?
Dazai: Are you kidding me? Of course!
*end of flashback*
Dazai: I was talking about going to the water park! You were talking about having kids???
Chuuya: Yeah! I said, "Do you think we can afford it?" and you said, "We'll start saving right away."
Dazai: So you mean, all that water park money I've been saving, you want to spend it on kids now?
*Dazai and Chuuya get captured and are tied together*
Dazai: Chill out slug. It's not like you've never been tied up before.
Chuuya, talking really fast: Sure. But there weren't involved a psycho and a piece of shit.
Dazai: Am I... Okay, Am I the the psycho or the piece of shit?
Chuuya: Both.
Kunikida: Dazai, just ask him out!
Dazai: Absolutely not, there’s no way he’s interested.
Atsushi: *confused* Wait, hold on- Mr. Dazai AND MR. CHUUYA HAVENT BEEN DATING THIS WHOLE TIME???
Chuuya: I find that I adore a person pleasantly more if they can speak a second language, especially French.
Dazai: Ma ciao!
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Dazai, I said that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been 5 seconds late to our date. Please say something.
Dazai: Karma's gonna track you down, step by step from town to town...
Chuuya: I-
Chuuya: Are you ready to commit?
Dazai: Like, a crime, a suicide or a relationship?
Chuuya: We all have our demons.
Chuuya: *grabs Dazai*
Chuuya: This is mine.
Dazai: Why do you seem to be so nervous around me lately?
Chuuya: I- it's just... I don't know. I guess I don't wanna say something wrong?
Dazai: Babe, I have a praise and a degradation kink. So whatever you say, it will somehow work for me.
Dazai, stumbling in through the window of Chuuya's room with a broken red rose in his mouth:
Chuuya, startled: What the fuck are you doing?
Dazai, falling on the floor: I’m trying to be romantic, shut up.
Dazai, yelling: KUNIKIDA HAVE YOU SEEN MY TOP?!
Kunikida: Chuuya's in the office.
Dazai: Ok thanks :).
Chuuya, from the office: THE FUCK?!
Chuuya: Hey...uh...mackerel...I have something to tell you.
Dazai: Hmm? Yes?
Chuuya: I like guys.
Dazai: *gasps* I knew it!!!
Dazai: So who's the lucky man?
Chuuya: He works in the ada, he used to be in the port mafia, an ability user, funny, good with coming up with plans...and well he can be a big fucking idiot sometimes.
Dazai: Oh- he sounds kinda lame...
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Did I mention idiot?
Atsushi: So is this thing between Dazai and Chuuya supposed to be a secret?
Akutagawa: Hardly, the only people who don’t know are Dazai and Chuuya.
Chuuya: I hate you!
Dazai's head: Enemies to lovers, slowburn, angst with happy ending, 300k+ words...
Chuuya: I had no idea you were so willing to die for me.
Dazai: Trust me I can hardly believe it myself.
Dazai: When you see him, please don’t freak out ok?
Kunikida: I’m not going to freak out. Who ever you’re dating I’ll always be accepting of them. Even if they were working in the port mafia...
Dazai: Alright, you can come in!
*Chuuya walks in*
Kunikida: Mr. Nakahara, please get out of the way. I’m trying to see who is Dazai dating!
Chuuya, waisted, through the phone: It gets lonely here. And you know what happens when I'm lonely mackerel?
Dazai:
Chuuya: When I'm lonely I become hungry and when I become hungry I want to choke on that *beep* of yours, *beep* close, then lick all of your *beep* before taking out your *beep* and *beep* with more teeth *beep* until you're screaming *extended beep* like a fucking baby-
Dazai, traumatized: *ends the call, breaks his phone in two, punches the broken phone with a big book multiple times, makes a milkshake with the million little pieces of what remained from the phone and then gives it to Atsushi to drink it*
Akutagawa: Mr. Dazai, truth or dare?
Dazai: Dare.
Chuuya: Why do you always choose dare?
Atsushi: Because he’s too scared to face the truth.
Chuuya: And what’s the truth?
Atsushi: That he’s waiting for someone to dare him to make out with you.
Chuuya: Am I the literal only gay man who likes cars?
Dazai, a dumbass: Idk why more gay people wouldn’t. Mater and Lightning’s relationship is pretty homoerotic???
Chuuya, stupefied:
Dazai:
Chuuya:
Dazai: Wait, fuck, did you mean like actual real cars?
Dazai: Kissing can burn 26 calories per minute, wanna work out with me?
Chuuya, offended: Are you calling me fat???
Dazai: Would you slap your crush's face for 2 million dollars?
Chuuya: I would roundhouse kick you in the face for free.
Dazai: Savag-
Dazai: Wait...
Dazai: WAIT-
Chuuya, panicking: fgqhcwgnaklud-