Dazai, Stumbling In Through The Window Of Chuuya's Room With A Broken Red Rose In His Mouth:

Dazai: I’m in love with you.

Chuuya, scoffing: Yeah, how many others have you said that to?

Dazai: Everyone.

Chuuya: …What?

Dazai: I told everyone I’m in love with you.

Dazai: Babe!

Chuuya: Don’t call me that!

Dazai: Chibi, honey, dear, love, sunshine, slug-

Chuuya: Dazai-

Dazai: Darling, hat rack, sweetheart, my God of fire-

Chuuya: Dazai no-

Dazai: Mi amore, the light of my life, my chihuahua, my doggie, my baby, angel, baby boy, baby girl-

Dazai: My petit mafia, shortie, sweetie-

Chuuya: Are you done?

Dazai: My beloved, the best executive, the anchor of my universe, the loml, my other half, my soulmate..

Chuuya:

Dazai: Ok, now I’m done.

Chuuya: Ok what did you want?

Dazai:

Dazai: Oh I forgot.

Mori: So are any of you NOT in love with Dazai?

Kunikida:

Ranpo:

Fyodor:

Sigma:

Odasaku, rising from the dead:

Chuuya: *raises hand*

Mori: PUT YOUR FUCKIN HAND DOWN CHUUYA!

Dazai: Now I'll arrange our security.

Atsushi: Why?

Dazai: The mission is dangerous and we're hot. The enemy will want us for our info and our boddies.

Atsushi: Our info maybe...

Dazai: Speak for yourself kitten...

Dazai: Now I'm calling the only man who can fuck me.

Atsushi: What???😨

Dazai, calling Chuuya: I mean, who can protect me...us...

Atsushi: Ugh. 🤦‍♂️

Chuuya, picking up: What now?

Dazai: Well hello my big dick chibi.

Chuuya: What

Atsushi: the

Chuuya: fuck

Atsushi: Dazai!

Dazai: Language everyone!

*skk flower shop au*

Chuuya, STORMING into the flower shop Dazai runs: *slams 20 bucks on the counter, startling him*

Chuuya: How do I passive-aggressively say “fuck you” in flower?

Dazai: *barely bats an eye after the initial shock* That depends on what you want. You could do geraniums for stupidity, foxglove for insincerity, yellow carnations for disappointment, or orange Lilly’s for hatred, anything else?

Chuuya:

Chuuya: … I think I’m in love with you.

Dazai: What?

Chuuya: What?

Dazai, walking up to look at a dead body: Okay, first of all, big mood.

Dazai: I am 100% straight.

Ranpo: Kunikida teaching Atsushi martial arts.

Dazai: I am 90% straight.

Yosano: Dostoevsky in the Dead Apple movie.

Dazai: I am 70% straight.

Ranpo: Sigma wearing his high heels.

Dazai: I am 50% straight.

Atsushi: The Hunting Dog that arrested you.

Dazai: I am 40% straight.

Dazai: Still straight, still doing okay.

Ranpo: Chuuya-

Dazai: I am not straight.

A random drunk girl trying to pick Dazai up at a bar: I've never even kissed a guy.

Dazai, staring intently at Chuuya across the room, chin propped up on his hand: Me neither~

Dazai: My feelings for Chuuya are strictly platonic.

Ango: I see...What color are his eyes?

Dazai: Ocean blue, not in a weird way but in a way your ship can get lost in their waves and you’d never want to escape because it feels like an adventure and discovering new things in life...

Odasaku: Right...

Ango: What color are my eyes?

Dazai: Idk brown? Shut up Ango I'm talking about Chuuya.

Dazai, extremely drunk: Who is.....who is that ginger beauty who wears a hat with those perfect blue eyes?

Yosano: That's your boyfri-

Dazai: I'll fuck him tonight, don't tell Chuuya.

Yosano: Ok bro, I won't tell him.

*20 minutes later*

Chuuya, also very very drunk: Sorry man, you're rlly hot but I have a boyfriend...

Dazai: I see, let's call him to join us then! 😉

Chuuya: *calls Dazai and Dazai's phone rings*

Dazai, picking up the phone: Hellooo...

Chuuya, looking at Dazai: 😶

Dazai, looking at Chuuya: 😶

Yosano: 🤦‍♀️