*Dazai And Chuuya Get Captured And Are Tied Together*

Dazai, yelling: KUNIKIDA HAVE YOU SEEN MY TOP?!

Kunikida: Chuuya's in the office.

Dazai: Ok thanks :).

Chuuya, from the office: THE FUCK?!

Dazai: I hope I get run over.

Atsushi: Aww, come on, it's Christmas! Get in the spirit!

Dazai, sighs: Fine, I hope I get run over by a reindeer.

*some years later*

Dazai: Atsushi, Akutagawa...

Atsushi and Akutagawa: Yes, Dazai.

Dazai: About the rumour...

Atsushi, Akutagawa: What rumour?

Dazai: Poetry.

Atsushi, Akutagawa:

Dazai: It's not what everybody thinks it is.

Akutagawa: I'm afraid explaining any further while in your partner's bed will only make matters worse, Mrs. Nakahara.

Dazai: Did you just call me Mrs. Nakahara?

Atsushi: It's best if you get used to it sooner than later.

Dazai:

Akutagawa, opening a door he shouldn't have opened: Dazai, Chuuya?

Dazai and Chuuya shocked, as their kissing session just got disturbed: Akutagawa?

Akutagawa, concerned: Is everything alright?

Dazai: It's perfectly fine.

Dazai: Chibi, tell him what we're doing.

Chuuya: We...

Chuuya: I'm teaching him some poetry.

Akutagawa: Poetry?

Dazai:

Dazai: Yes, I love poetry.

Akutagawa:

Chuuya: I'm surprised as you are. He can't get enough of it.

Akutagawa: I'll leave you to do your poetry then...

Akutagawa: *closes the door, regretting all his life decisions*

Dazai: I am 100% straight.

Ranpo: Kunikida teaching Atsushi martial arts.

Dazai: I am 90% straight.

Yosano: Dostoevsky in the Dead Apple movie.

Dazai: I am 70% straight.

Ranpo: Sigma wearing his high heels.

Dazai: I am 50% straight.

Atsushi: The Hunting Dog that arrested you.

Dazai: I am 40% straight.

Dazai: Still straight, still doing okay.

Ranpo: Chuuya-

Dazai: I am not straight.

Dazai: I want my vagina shaved ladies.

Chuuya: Then shave your vagina, Dazai.

*singer!Chuuya au*

Interviewer: Do you ever hear from your exs after you release a song about them?

Chuuya: Well some of them like to write really long emails.

Interviewer: Oh really?

Chuuya: Hm. The guys when I break up with them are like, "You better not write a song about this!"

Chuuya: and I'm like, "No, I wont."

Interviewer:

Chuuya: and then I do.

Interviewer:

Interviewer: Have your ever written a song it was so mean you couldn't release it?

Chuuya: No, I just put those on my albums.

Dazai: I dare you to marry me.

Chuuya: No. I'm not falling for that idiot.

Dazai: Then I win.

Chuuya: What? No you don’t. I’ll marry the hell out of you. You’re officially my wife now. You can’t beat me like that.

Mori: So are any of you NOT in love with Dazai?

Kunikida:

Ranpo:

Fyodor:

Sigma:

Odasaku, rising from the dead:

Chuuya: *raises hand*

Mori: PUT YOUR FUCKIN HAND DOWN CHUUYA!

*skk flower shop au*

Chuuya, STORMING into the flower shop Dazai runs: *slams 20 bucks on the counter, startling him*

Chuuya: How do I passive-aggressively say “fuck you” in flower?

Dazai: *barely bats an eye after the initial shock* That depends on what you want. You could do geraniums for stupidity, foxglove for insincerity, yellow carnations for disappointment, or orange Lilly’s for hatred, anything else?

Chuuya:

Chuuya: … I think I’m in love with you.

Dazai: What?

Chuuya: What?

Atsushi, trying to convince Chuuya to join the group: You know... I thought it'd be good to have someone come along who's really... strong!

Dazai: And loud!

Dazai: And grumpy!

Dazai: And short!

Dazai: And oblivious to reality!

Chuuya: