Latest Posts by tristanrhayes - Page 2

i know i wrote three hours ago but my life moves fast i guess. i got into an argument (?) with my best friend over you. i wouldn’t really call it an argument. it was just the same shit again. her telling me you are not a good person and me defending you. she even coined the phrase CRT just for u.

she knows everything that’s happened. i think she even read the document you made. i am so frustrated with people telling me you hurt me. you did, but not on the level i destroyed you.

i am tired of people seeing me as a charity case. i am not broken or wounded. i do not need to be fixed. if i did, i’d leave it in the hands of the professionals.

she reminds me so much of you. she has this “i need to save them” attitude about the world and it hurts me. she tells me all the time that i’m the strongest person she’s ever met but when it comes to you she feels the need to fix how my brain works. it’s upsetting.

i still write about you. i wonder if you’d enjoy the music i write now? it’s very different from where it started. i’ll be honest, some of it is very accusatory and some of it is pathetic. writing is my therapy. it’s a safe way to vent my emotions and filter out what’s real and what’s a delusion. maybe someday i’ll release it. maybe someday you’ll hear it.

i can feel myself falling back into where i was when we first broke up. it’s scary. everytime my phone buzzes i hope it’s you. everytime i know it’s not.

i really wish you cared. maybe you do care. i just wish you didn’t hate me. it’s obvious why you do. that’s why i’m so confused when the people closest to me put you down.

did you eat breakfast today? are you getting enough sun?

it seems only the moon won’t tire of hearing my words about you. maybe you should talk to her.

eating is so hard i have lost all interest in everything. if i am not busy i am empty.

good morning. i hope you slept well.

these meds made me have funny dreams. just between us, i haven’t had a good nights sleep since i saw you. i can still remember a dream i had years ago when you left. you were with them. you told me to let you go.

i’m off work today. i lied to my friend about it. i need some alone time. she reminds me so much of you.

i was supposed to move in with her. i was going to go to college. the thought of it was just so scary. moving across the atlantic was a dream i had so many years ago. everything is different now.

i had to surrender my cats when i lost my apartment. i miss them so much. i think that was the last bit of hope i was holding onto. they’re in good homes now. i wish i could visit them.

i wish i could visit you. i wonder what we’d talk about if we were given the chance. would you talk to me? would you yell? would you update me on your life and ask about mine? would we sit in silence?

i remember you said you wished you’d never met me at all. i wonder how true that is. anytime you’d hurt me with your words it was always true. you said i was just like my mother. i was afraid to look in the mirror for months.

i called her you know? in july. i was so high on coke i called her and apologized for ever viewing her as a monster because i was just the same. i hate hypocrites.

i can feel a migraine starting. it’s 8am. i’m back in the same town i swore i’d never come back to. everything looks different.

i hope you have a beautiful day. watch for me in the moon tonight. i was serious about us too.

all i do is yap i’m a professional

it’s easter. i don’t remember what that was like with you. i think i’ve forgotten a lot of it now.

i’m cooking dinner for my brother and his fiancé. you wouldn’t have liked what i made. i don’t think i will like it very much either. my tastes have changed over the years. everything is bland and nothing will fill the hole inside of me.

we used to talk about doing this domestic shit together. id clean the house or make dinner that you’d pretend to like for me. i wish you hadn’t done that. i wonder if their tastes are more similar to yours? knowing what i know, that’s probably true. i doubt you have arguments over something as simple as food. i wish i didn’t pick arguments over such insignificant things.

i think i like someone again. he is nothing like you. he’s 23, good relationship with his mom, cowboy, six foot something. i know it’s a dumb word, but having crushes now is different. everytime i find myself attracted to someone i compare every little thing they do to you. with him, i don’t find much. he has your kindness and playful personality, but that’s about it. i think that’s why i like him so much.

work was hard today. i’m trying to quit smoking. i’ve given up all substances other than what i’m rightfully prescribed. i wonder if you’d be proud of that? i wonder if you’d feel anything at all.

idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.

i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.

i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.

i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.

ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.

i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.

i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.

i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.

overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.

im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.

nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.

i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.

in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.

i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.

u ever just get that lil squeezy ouch in your chest that just fuckin Hurts

there should be a sexy way to pour soup on someones head

i hate you for making me feel again

expressing our feelings? nah i’m just gonna eat them instead and then puke everywhere bc i shouldn’t be eating and then do it again

me writing is just me fucking around for several hours making the characters be gay n shit and then deleting it all and writing decent shit for a couple minutes

pov ur dating ur best friend and they mean the fucking world to u and u don’t know how to tell them so u just repeatedly say “i love u” and hope they get the message

giggle (singular)

hello yes i know ur sleeping but when u wake up i want u to know i love you that is all

me: i love u

me thirty seconds later: hey idk if u know this but uhhh. i love u

me three minutes later: oh fuck u think he knows i love him? gotta make sure.

bro i love you so fucking much i can’t even put it into words how much it is i have to create a whole new language just for that shit wtf

heart hurts with how much love i hold for one person i never want to shut up about it

have decided this account is gonna be for not only shit posts but also Private Romance Things™️ i cannot post in front of actual people

me: gets pulled over

officer: license and registration?

me: hands it to them

officer: here’s ur ticket

me: but officer, isn’t there anything i can do to make u forget about this?

officer: pulls out handcuffs

me: oh okay

officer: ur under arrest for bribing a law enforcement officer

*smothers u in marinara sauce and licks it up*

thinking about baked bean

the only reason my favourite animal is the dunkleosteus is because of the game hungry shark where they called it “big daddy”

i am so thirsty someone get me a refreshing glass of ice cold sparkling piss

you ever just wake up so fucking horny for food you’re like mmmmmmm toasty beans and soup

how to deal with massive pussy syndrome

one time i threw up on someone’s penis and i think about it a lot

i don’t know how tumblr works help