Pov Ur Dating Ur Best Friend And They Mean The Fucking World To U And U Don’t Know How To Tell Them

me staring at the “please don’t take anything” text knowing i already took something

please.

this feeling is fucking eating me alive. i miss you. i feel awful about it. i love cole more than anything but idk what to do abt you. you’re just so. idk. you asked me why i liked you and if that would change if you were someone else. the answer is no. i wish there were a way i could have you both but even that seems off. i keep bringing you up or tweeting or making jokes and i can tell it’s getting to him. i don’t want that. idk why i’m like this. i’m a mess.

thinking about baked bean

eating is so hard i have lost all interest in everything. if i am not busy i am empty.

early start today. i’ve been working on music again.

a lot of it is from about a year ago so the emotions are still fresh in the lyrics. i hope you don’t mind. i learned how to make beats and i’ve been working on fitting my lyrics into it. so far i have three done.

i started around 3pm and didn’t stop until about 1am. woke up at 5am and got back on it. it’s 7am now. in my head, i still do the math to figure out what time it is for you.

i’m glad i found a passion in music again. i gave up for so long and it felt like a part of me was missing. writing is my therapy. it’s the safest way to express what i feel without hurting anyone.

i wish i could hear your opinion on what i spent my day doing. you always did have a good taste in music. i wish i had told you that.

i think i might be slightly manic right now. i’m not tired. i’ve been spending a Bit too much money on things i don’t need. maybe it’s just the meds taking their course. my roommates are looking out for me and making sure i’m safe. i love them.

i heard about your mom. i know she wasn’t good at being your mother but it’s okay to grieve over the loss all the same. it’s also okay to not feel anything at all. people cope in different ways.

i’m still working on my music. it’s been three days now. i have three instrumentals done and i have the album list hammered out. there’s really only one song on there about you. maybe two if you squint hard enough. i’m glad none of them are negative towards you.

i attempted to drink last night and am pleased to say alcohol still repulses me. it did give me some new ideas to map out though.

i wonder what you’re up to?

idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.

i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.

i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.

i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.

ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.

i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.

i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.

i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.

overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.

im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.

nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.

i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.

in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.

i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.

all i do is yap i’m a professional

how to feel like im enough

when life is not sunshine and rainbows i have a nasty habit of assuming everything is my fault and there’s nothing i can do to fix it and that mentality makes shit worse everytime but like… how do i stop doing that