Bro I Love You So Fucking Much I Can’t Even Put It Into Words How Much It Is I Have To Create A Whole

how to deal with massive pussy syndrome

i don’t know how tumblr works help

*smothers u in marinara sauce and licks it up*

i’ve never needed someone more than i need u rn. i miss you. i don’t miss us, but i miss you. i want to apologize. i want you to not hate me. i know that’s wrong of me, but i can’t help it. you were my favorite person. i still write you letters on the unsent project. i wonder if you ever think of me in a positive light. i have been thinking of you constantly. all i want is to make things right but i know i can’t. the damage is done. and i’m so sorry there’s nothing i can do to fix it. i wonder if you’ll ever stumble across my account on here. i have so many things for u to read. i don’t know if that would hurt you more. i’m so sorry. i’m sorry i’ve hurt you and everyone you love. i dragged them all in. i want to believe i’ve changed. maybe if you saw me now you would tell me. you’re the only one that knows the real me. i’ve done so much to fix it. all because of you. thank you. i didn’t deserve to have that chance. but i know you didn’t do it for me. i’m medicated. i’m not going to stop. i spend all of my time at work or working on music. i wish you could see me now. everyone around me feels dull. you were the light of my life and i didn’t appreciate that. i’m so sorry. i wish i could fix it.

all i do is yap i’m a professional

me staring at the “please don’t take anything” text knowing i already took something

chat i gotta be honest i might kill myself

early start today. i’ve been working on music again.

a lot of it is from about a year ago so the emotions are still fresh in the lyrics. i hope you don’t mind. i learned how to make beats and i’ve been working on fitting my lyrics into it. so far i have three done.

i started around 3pm and didn’t stop until about 1am. woke up at 5am and got back on it. it’s 7am now. in my head, i still do the math to figure out what time it is for you.

i’m glad i found a passion in music again. i gave up for so long and it felt like a part of me was missing. writing is my therapy. it’s the safest way to express what i feel without hurting anyone.

i wish i could hear your opinion on what i spent my day doing. you always did have a good taste in music. i wish i had told you that.

i think i might be slightly manic right now. i’m not tired. i’ve been spending a Bit too much money on things i don’t need. maybe it’s just the meds taking their course. my roommates are looking out for me and making sure i’m safe. i love them.

idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.

i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.

i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.

i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.

ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.

i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.

i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.

i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.

overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.

im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.

nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.

i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.

in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.

i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.

i wake up. i take my pills. i listen to your playlist in the car. i drive to work. i blink and hours have past. i go home. i kiss him and cook with him and sleep with him and i pretend. i pretend i’m not as lonely as i am.