Heart Hurts With How Much Love I Hold For One Person I Never Want To Shut Up About It

*smothers u in marinara sauce and licks it up*

i guess you were right. this is a bit of a diary for me.

so, you found me. i’m working on music. it’s the only way i can ease my nerves.

if someone had told me a week ago i’d hear from you i would’ve laughed in their face. one of my old friends messaged me as well. we ended on not great terms, but we’ve made up. i wonder if this is good?

i’m living back in orlando now. i’m starting a camming company with brian. you don’t know him. basically the idea is a safe space for sex workers without the exploitation. i’m excited about it. it’s a little weird, but i enjoy sex work as long as it’s safe.

this day is dragging by. everytime i remember the call my stomach twists up. i’m very anxious. i’m grateful to anna for offering to be there with me and i’m more grateful you agreed to let her. she’s in just as much of a frenzy as i am right now.

i can’t think of much anything else to say right now. i think i’ll keep posting on here just with general life updates. you obviously aren’t required to read them, but it’s nice to have a place to talk about my life and sort my head out.

it’s strange. i’ve never looked forward to say goodbye to someone. i used to want to hold onto them until my nails broke their skin. now i understand my life is mine to live, it doesn’t matter who’s in it as long as it’s genuine and honest.

i hope you’re taking care of yourself. i hope you’re doing well. i hope you’re happy.

i know i wrote three hours ago but my life moves fast i guess. i got into an argument (?) with my best friend over you. i wouldn’t really call it an argument. it was just the same shit again. her telling me you are not a good person and me defending you. she even coined the phrase CRT just for u.

she knows everything that’s happened. i think she even read the document you made. i am so frustrated with people telling me you hurt me. you did, but not on the level i destroyed you.

i am tired of people seeing me as a charity case. i am not broken or wounded. i do not need to be fixed. if i did, i’d leave it in the hands of the professionals.

she reminds me so much of you. she has this “i need to save them” attitude about the world and it hurts me. she tells me all the time that i’m the strongest person she’s ever met but when it comes to you she feels the need to fix how my brain works. it’s upsetting.

i still write about you. i wonder if you’d enjoy the music i write now? it’s very different from where it started. i’ll be honest, some of it is very accusatory and some of it is pathetic. writing is my therapy. it’s a safe way to vent my emotions and filter out what’s real and what’s a delusion. maybe someday i’ll release it. maybe someday you’ll hear it.

i can feel myself falling back into where i was when we first broke up. it’s scary. everytime my phone buzzes i hope it’s you. everytime i know it’s not.

i really wish you cared. maybe you do care. i just wish you didn’t hate me. it’s obvious why you do. that’s why i’m so confused when the people closest to me put you down.

did you eat breakfast today? are you getting enough sun?

it seems only the moon won’t tire of hearing my words about you. maybe you should talk to her.

me writing is just me fucking around for several hours making the characters be gay n shit and then deleting it all and writing decent shit for a couple minutes

u ever just get that lil squeezy ouch in your chest that just fuckin Hurts

hello yes i know ur sleeping but when u wake up i want u to know i love you that is all

good morning.

i am just so confused. i can’t talk about it to anyone because i was asked not to but i am not sure what to do. it’s frustrating? i think.

i wrote a song. i was so nervous yesterday i wrote it before the call. it’s called “— goodbye.” i’m trying to give it like a cigarettes after sex vibe i think. here are the lyrics:

the room is spinning

you don’t know me at all

but still, you’re giving me a chance

one more second chance

you know you haunt me

you found the letters buried in my room

years have passed

i never thought id see you again

now i know i won’t

because i’ve said goodbye

i mean it this time

we’re strangers once again

i realize i’ve molded myself into

the person you would’ve wanted

i wonder if that means you’ll haunt me forever

they say you never forget your first true love

perhaps i’ll be carrying you with me

i’ve forgotten your voice

the one i used to know

the one that loved me so

i’m glad you’ve changed

i can’t mourn a ghost that’s not there

i’m glad i said goodbye

because i meant it this time

we’ll always be strangers

and when i lay in bed at night

wishing i had someone to love me again

i’ll remember all you taught me

and understand love comes naturally

not from force

i won’t worry about what could’ve been

only what could still be

i’ve always seen the world from eyes

that search for the reason “why?”

i’ve waited and waited for a chance like this

but now that it’s over

it’s time to say goodbye.

it’s just a draft of course. id like to add some things and make it more coherent. the way i write is just word vomit on a page. i posted the instrumental on my twitter.

i changed the album list again. took off some songs that i just didn’t like. they were pretty negative anyway.

i haven’t heard from the others in days and i’m not quite sure why. my head feels quiet.

other than that, i feel free. it’s like a weight has been lifted off my chest. i don’t know how to feel about it or if i should feel anything.

i think i like having a diary.

wait no i just dissociated for like a day i can’t stop crying now 🤪

i want to feel something but i am feeling nothing at all. my head feels too quiet and my brain feels too empty. i wonder if i am as broken as the glass that litters the streets.

the only reason my favourite animal is the dunkleosteus is because of the game hungry shark where they called it “big daddy”

eating is so hard i have lost all interest in everything. if i am not busy i am empty.