I Hate You For Making Me Feel Again

oh to be one you love again. i miss you always. it takes everything in me to not scream how deep my love runs everytime i see you. you’re so beautiful.

i know i wrote three hours ago but my life moves fast i guess. i got into an argument (?) with my best friend over you. i wouldn’t really call it an argument. it was just the same shit again. her telling me you are not a good person and me defending you. she even coined the phrase CRT just for u.

she knows everything that’s happened. i think she even read the document you made. i am so frustrated with people telling me you hurt me. you did, but not on the level i destroyed you.

i am tired of people seeing me as a charity case. i am not broken or wounded. i do not need to be fixed. if i did, i’d leave it in the hands of the professionals.

she reminds me so much of you. she has this “i need to save them” attitude about the world and it hurts me. she tells me all the time that i’m the strongest person she’s ever met but when it comes to you she feels the need to fix how my brain works. it’s upsetting.

i still write about you. i wonder if you’d enjoy the music i write now? it’s very different from where it started. i’ll be honest, some of it is very accusatory and some of it is pathetic. writing is my therapy. it’s a safe way to vent my emotions and filter out what’s real and what’s a delusion. maybe someday i’ll release it. maybe someday you’ll hear it.

i can feel myself falling back into where i was when we first broke up. it’s scary. everytime my phone buzzes i hope it’s you. everytime i know it’s not.

i really wish you cared. maybe you do care. i just wish you didn’t hate me. it’s obvious why you do. that’s why i’m so confused when the people closest to me put you down.

did you eat breakfast today? are you getting enough sun?

it seems only the moon won’t tire of hearing my words about you. maybe you should talk to her.

i want your friendship and i want your love. i’m sorry.

thinking about baked bean

pov ur dating ur best friend and they mean the fucking world to u and u don’t know how to tell them so u just repeatedly say “i love u” and hope they get the message

how to deal with massive pussy syndrome

smthg abt nick just makes me so happy he is very caring and good at listening and makes me feel like i am important even if he doesn’t really try to. talked to him last night abt stuff that was bothering me and then just held me until i slept for the first time in like. several days. and even if he didn’t know who ande was he still recognized something was off and tried to talk to her. also also bro is like 18-19 do not know how to feel abt that but he talks very uhhhhhh. mature ???? idk the word for it but he acts around my age. idk if i am making it up bc of bpd stuff but i feel mildly special to him? like i knew who he was before even he told me but then he also told me first so like idk. and cuddles. and he petted my hair. and he let me be stupid and emotional over dumb stuff and did not judge me. and he did not freak out when he said i liked him a little teeny tiny bit. idk i just feel happy around him.

i wake up. i take my pills. i listen to your playlist in the car. i drive to work. i blink and hours have past. i go home. i kiss him and cook with him and sleep with him and i pretend. i pretend i’m not as lonely as i am.

words from we hug now by sydney rose

this feeling is fucking eating me alive. i miss you. i feel awful about it. i love cole more than anything but idk what to do abt you. you’re just so. idk. you asked me why i liked you and if that would change if you were someone else. the answer is no. i wish there were a way i could have you both but even that seems off. i keep bringing you up or tweeting or making jokes and i can tell it’s getting to him. i don’t want that. idk why i’m like this. i’m a mess.