Have Decided This Account Is Gonna Be For Not Only Shit Posts But Also Private Romance Things™️ I

i haven’t been this suicidal in a hot minute. i don’t even know how to talk about it. i don’t know how to help myself. im so tired. even if i do talk no one really understands it. maybe if someone could just look into my head and see everything so i dont fuck it up and say the wrong thing. i don’t know what to do or look forward to anymore. i don’t know why it’s so bad. im so used to fighting that i can’t help but do it even when there’s nothing to fight. but im tired of fighting even when i have to. i feel sick and hollow and broken and i dont think anything will change that. not now and not later. part of me wants to just lie in bed and stay there until i rot away. i want it all to be over. i can’t stop thinking and overthinking and making myself sicker. i don’t really know how much longer i have no matter what i do. at least if i choose that ill have some control left. i just want to rest

how to deal with massive pussy syndrome

this again who would’ve thunk lol it makes even less sense this time.

u ever just get that lil squeezy ouch in your chest that just fuckin Hurts

good morning. i hope you slept well.

these meds made me have funny dreams. just between us, i haven’t had a good nights sleep since i saw you. i can still remember a dream i had years ago when you left. you were with them. you told me to let you go.

i’m off work today. i lied to my friend about it. i need some alone time. she reminds me so much of you.

i was supposed to move in with her. i was going to go to college. the thought of it was just so scary. moving across the atlantic was a dream i had so many years ago. everything is different now.

i had to surrender my cats when i lost my apartment. i miss them so much. i think that was the last bit of hope i was holding onto. they’re in good homes now. i wish i could visit them.

i wish i could visit you. i wonder what we’d talk about if we were given the chance. would you talk to me? would you yell? would you update me on your life and ask about mine? would we sit in silence?

i remember you said you wished you’d never met me at all. i wonder how true that is. anytime you’d hurt me with your words it was always true. you said i was just like my mother. i was afraid to look in the mirror for months.

i called her you know? in july. i was so high on coke i called her and apologized for ever viewing her as a monster because i was just the same. i hate hypocrites.

i can feel a migraine starting. it’s 8am. i’m back in the same town i swore i’d never come back to. everything looks different.

i hope you have a beautiful day. watch for me in the moon tonight. i was serious about us too.

one time i threw up on someone’s penis and i think about it a lot

was supposed to rant to piano and then got spooked so i will be emo over here in hopes it is not seen bc spooky x2

being back in my hometown is hard. i knew it would be. i told you so i wouldn’t bother you with it when it hit me. somehow i still feel burdensome when i get upset and am scared to talk about it because most of it is stupid anyway. the last time i was here i was so lost. you know that. i really didn’t have much. a lot has changed obviously but seeing the same things gives me the same feelings. before that, i was here for the start of the downfall. memories are everywhere. with that comes feelings.

i don’t know how to describe the thing going on with z emotionally. im not their biggest fan at the moment but its not like i want anything bad to happen between the two of you. even if i hated them i wouldn’t hope for that because i know how hard it would be on you. four years ago i was in the same place hating them. wanting them gone more than anything. jealous that they got your attention for even a second. even if i don’t want that now i still get the anger that comes with it.

it’s not even really anger towards them. im not angry at anyone but myself. my chest hurts every time i remember i wasn’t enough and likely never will be. not in a “oh let’s be monogamous” way because i don’t want that. more like “i am so lacking and am constantly reminded of that fact”. i’ve worked so hard to change who i am. why am i back where i started? i haven’t felt this unstable in months.

these are the best days of my life and somehow i feel more alone than i have in years. i don’t know how to explain it. we’re always talking. i guess with my work and your sleep and general depression on both sides and everything else going on it’s hard to just have a full day with you. there’s always some interruption. even when we do call we both do our own thing until you fall asleep. and then it disconnects before i do. and then the day is over and it feels wasted. you were talking the other day about being scared i was going to get bored of you. i worry you’ll think the same of me. im not exactly giving you anything you can’t get elsewhere.

im stressed about money and visas and school and just making it to next year or next month or next week or tomorrow. this is so hard to do alone. i know i have you, but i am physically alone. even just waking up next to you would take all of this away. im so tired of everything and just want it to be over already. i want to be there and not have to worry about all this. i want everything to fix itself. im tired of fixing everything myself. i usually make more of mess of it first anyway.

i’ve thought about writing about it. i don’t even know what i would say. “im in the best situation ive ever been in and somehow im crumbling more than ever”? “at least when i was a bad person i didn’t care about any of this”? “im a big whiny baby about everything because nothing is perfect enough for me boo who life is hard”? pretty shitty bars.

i know i have you but i can’t stop myself from wondering for how long.

my debut comes out april 24th. it’s not necessarily about you, but some parts may feel like it. i’m excited. you’d probably enjoy it.

was that you? i hope it was.

it’s easter. i don’t remember what that was like with you. i think i’ve forgotten a lot of it now.

i’m cooking dinner for my brother and his fiancé. you wouldn’t have liked what i made. i don’t think i will like it very much either. my tastes have changed over the years. everything is bland and nothing will fill the hole inside of me.

we used to talk about doing this domestic shit together. id clean the house or make dinner that you’d pretend to like for me. i wish you hadn’t done that. i wonder if their tastes are more similar to yours? knowing what i know, that’s probably true. i doubt you have arguments over something as simple as food. i wish i didn’t pick arguments over such insignificant things.

i think i like someone again. he is nothing like you. he’s 23, good relationship with his mom, cowboy, six foot something. i know it’s a dumb word, but having crushes now is different. everytime i find myself attracted to someone i compare every little thing they do to you. with him, i don’t find much. he has your kindness and playful personality, but that’s about it. i think that’s why i like him so much.

work was hard today. i’m trying to quit smoking. i’ve given up all substances other than what i’m rightfully prescribed. i wonder if you’d be proud of that? i wonder if you’d feel anything at all.

how to feel like im enough

when life is not sunshine and rainbows i have a nasty habit of assuming everything is my fault and there’s nothing i can do to fix it and that mentality makes shit worse everytime but like… how do i stop doing that