Hate My Mental Health Class In School Because It Immediately Turns Into A Who’s The Sickest Competition

Ive lost all my thoughts

I’m so disappointed in myself, my goal was to get to 50kg by the end of this month and now it’s just to get back to where I was.

I’m praying with every little bit of faith I have left that I lose enough weight from this week long fast to get back to 51kg.

Why the fuck didn’t I just go to sleep I had a mini binge on fucking noodles and mini Easter eggs now I’m at roughly 800 cals for the day and I just want more

I bought some sushi impulsively and I want to eat it but I’m not sure how many calories are in it anf honestly I’m not that hungry and I’ve already fasted so far today so why break it now but I also really want the sushi RAHHHHHH

I think I’m gonna switch my morning monster to a different drink, maybe a coffee or chocolate milk because I’m beginning to despise carbonation.

I thought I’d grown immune to laxatives but nahhh they just waited to hit at the same time

Ate way over my calorie limit today so I will be taking half a box of laxatives I cannot gain again

It’s really hit me over the past couple days how much my disordered eating has taken over my life, it’s like I no longer have a personal life outside of it. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep all I can think about is food and weight, I spend my days inside rather rotting in my bed scrolling through ED content or I’m walking for hours on end, waiting for tomorrow to come to see if I’m any closer to my GW. I don’t have any hobbies and I self isolate, going days without talking to anyone besides my immediate family.

I don’t even know how to feel, it’s like I don’t feel anything at all. I’m honestly pretty ambivalent to it, in retrospect it’s depressing but like Im still fat, it’s only been 7 weeks since I relapsed and I don’t feel like I’m sick enough, I still have so far to go and so much to lose.

I’m actually in disbelief of how much weight I’ve managed to put on in the past couple of days, I don’t think I’ve ever looked fatter in my life like even at my highest weight so I must have managed to gain at least 5-7kg since Monday night. I’m especially concerned because I’ve already purged and taken 20+ laxatives in the past couple hours and the bloating hasn’t gone down at all so it must be legitimate weight.

I’m hoping that my laxatives kick in soon and that I’m able to digest a large amount of the binge remnants in my sleep because if I look the same tomorrow I’m genuinely gonna cancel the dinner party plans and just rot in my room and fast.

I feel so alone, I keep so much to myself and whatever I do try to express I can’t properly so no one can truly understand me. I’m going to die a stranger to my loved ones.