I Thought I’d Grown Immune To Laxatives But Nahhh They Just Waited To Hit At The Same Time

I’m so tired, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

My laxatives didn’t work because I took less than my tolerance so I have to wait until tomorrow to weigh myself now😔

Also I’m so mad at myself I was blessed with such a good day yesterday like I had the energy to get my 20k steps and wasn’t hungry at all but I still decided to eat and not take it as an opportunity to fast RAHHH

Whatever, today I’m not feeling great and don’t have a lot of energy so I’m just gonna try get my 10-15k steps and liquid fast.

Update on the sushi situation from last night, I did end up eating it and something else which I deeply regret although if my calculations were right with the sushi I did stay under 500 cals. I hate how easily I gave into desire, I feel like I have no discipline whatsoever. To make up for breaking my fast early I’m going to fast for the entire weekend and maybe Monday, and work out even harder. God I hate myself.

Binged really bad yesterday, was only able to purge like under a quarter of it up before my throat began to burn too much so I took a little more than 15 laxatives I think. I feel and look so disgusting, the binge wasn’t even enjoyable. I want to water fast for the next 3 days to clear my system, but theres this voice inside my head that keeps trying to get me to binge again “it’s only 1 more day” “you still have food left in the freezer you can binge on, you don’t want to waste it after spending so much money on it do you” “you can just purge it out” “if you don’t binge now you not be able to ever again” and bullshit like that. I’m not even hungry, I’m still sickly full despite purging and digesting most of it, but I just want to eat.

Binging will be the death of me, if not by physically causing me to have a heart attack then most definitely by making me kill myself.

GUYS IVE MADE IT INTO 51KG TERRITORY IM ONLY LESS THAN HALF A KILO FROM BEING UNDERWEIGHT (I’m still considering myself 170cm until I get it properly checked at the doctors) !!

I’ve gotta be so careful at the sleepover tonight though, I’m not gonna restrict as much I don’t think because the last time I did they clocked that shit immediately but I’m gonna try stay under my BMR and then when I get back I’m gonna fast.

Wish me luck y’all !!

I’m fasting until I reach 48kg or until I can get enough of this fucking fat off me my life has gone to shit rhis is all I have

Introduction

ׂ╰┈➤ Hello! My name is Kassidy / Kas and I use they/them pronouns.

I restrict / binge and purge through laxatives.

I’ve been lurking for a couple years now on and off, too afraid to post anything due to the fact I am undiagnosed.

I have been engaging is disordered eating behaviours for many years now, but feel uncomfortable labelling myself as having an eating disorder or anorexia until I’ve lost enough weight to get diagnosed. (Imposter syndrome be damned).

I want to use this blog now to connect with other disordered people as the loneliness that comes with these behaviours has become unbearable, and document said behaviours and progress as I work towards reaching my ugw.

Mutuals are welcomed and encouraged, and DM’s are always open <3

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I am sixteen (08) and 170cm.

Current weight: 53kg (bmi 18.3)

Goal weight 1: 48kg (bmi 16.6)

Goal weight 2: 42kg (bmi 14.5)

Ultimate Goal weight: 38kg (bmi 13.1)

Block don’t report please!!

God has cursed me with taste buds that don’t like any sort of 0 calorie energy drinks/fizzy drinks WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS

Man I took 15+ laxatives last night and it has barely effected me, I fear I have developed a tolerance smh 😔

The guilt is eating me alive, knowing that it was my decision to binge, to keep eating despite knowing I shouldn’t, I didn’t have too, no one would have even truly batted an eye if I hadn’t of.

Now it feels like I can’t stop eating, I’m not even hungry my brain just won’t stop thinking about it.

I hate myself so much.