Ate Way Over My Calorie Limit Today So I Will Be Taking Half A Box Of Laxatives I Cannot Gain Again

I’ve got some social outings planned this week and I’m shitting bricks, I’m hanging out with my friend tomorrow arvo which I’m not too concerned about because I can just make believable excuses but I’m having a 2 night sleepover with my best friend and I have no idea how I’m gonna restrict without it causing red flags (they know about my disordered behaviours) but I refuse to binge again or eat over my cal limit so if anyone has any ideas for excuses or ways to discreetly get rid of food they would be greatly appreciated 🙏🙏

Day 3 of fasting, feeling too depressed to get my steps in yet again so I’m just gonna keep going and I’ll break it tmr afternoon maybe

Feeling very fat and fake today, it’s 1pm and I’ve only taken 3,500 steps today when I would usually be at least at 6000 by now. I’ve had an energy drink and I look so bloated. I’m not good enough, not sick enough, and all I want to do is cry and fast but I have fucking work.

Ive lost all my thoughts

Broke my fast even though I wasn’t hungry, gave up 2 seconds into my workout and found out that due to binging and being a lazy fuck like I am tonight losertown estimates I’ll be at my ugw on the 10th of July, a whole month later than I had planned to reach it.

I want to die, I am constantly miserable and everyday I get closer and closer to genuinely just killing myself because I can’t take this. I hate my body and I hate my mind, I hate myself.

Need to cut this lower belly fat off of me NYAWWW

It’s really hit me over the past couple days how much my disordered eating has taken over my life, it’s like I no longer have a personal life outside of it. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep all I can think about is food and weight, I spend my days inside rather rotting in my bed scrolling through ED content or I’m walking for hours on end, waiting for tomorrow to come to see if I’m any closer to my GW. I don’t have any hobbies and I self isolate, going days without talking to anyone besides my immediate family.

I don’t even know how to feel, it’s like I don’t feel anything at all. I’m honestly pretty ambivalent to it, in retrospect it’s depressing but like Im still fat, it’s only been 7 weeks since I relapsed and I don’t feel like I’m sick enough, I still have so far to go and so much to lose.

Yall update on the hot cross bun situation, it was so disappointing I should’ve gotten a different one because this one tasted like ass it literally just tasted like a regular brioche bun and I regret OMAD’ing it 😔💔

Locking in so hard for May, even if I don’t get to my UGW by June I’m getting to BMI 14.

I’m gonna fast 3 days a week minimum, laxatives everyday especially on non fasting days, stay under 450 cals a day, get at least 25g protein on non fasting days, 20k steps and 20 minutes Pilates a day + 30 minute strength training on non fasting days.

It seems unrealistic and I know I’m gonna lose motivation by the end of the week but I will persevere and stick to this plan, I can’t let another month go by no closer to my goal. This is all I have ever wanted, and I will get it.

My legs absolutely disgust me.

On another happier note though THE BINGE PASSED THROUGH ME AND IM DOWN TO 51kg AGAIN AMEN HALLELUJAH