Latest Posts by digital-dissociation-blog - Page 5

By the time you find this, I will be dead. I am leaving this app open on my unlocked phone near my body.

I’m sorry that by this time tomorrow I won’t be around anymore. Im sorry I couldn’t contribute enough. Sorry I was too sick.

Dear mom/family.

I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry I was a failure. I’m sorry I wasted time. I wish I could have been a better kid. Im sorry I wasn’t the daughter/sister/aunt you wanted. Im sorry I don’t even know what or who I am. I’m sorry I was just a problem. I’m sorry I was so sick. Such a burden on you all. I deserved what I got.

Dear sister,

I love you and I’m sorry. I miss you. I never told you how I was feeling.. You wont forgive me I know. I cant forgive myself either. Im an awful awful sister. I deserve this.

Dear best friend,

I love you. I’m sorry. My head is too broken. Im too tired. You tried so hard to help me but I failed you. I’m a terrible failure. I will never forgive myself for disappointing you. You were my world. I loved you more than words could express. But it was never meant to be. I’m sorry. Im sorry I wont be around anymore. Im sorry we wont get to do all that we wanted and dreamed. I’ll miss you for eternity.

Dear myself,

I hate you. I hope you rot. You horrible disgusting disappointing failure. You’re a fucking burden. You deserve this.

Goodbye.

Love,

Amanda/Des/Blair

🖤

Tonight

Can I die please?

I’ve let you all down.

Suicide attempt or just a fuck up?

Who knows.

Sometimes I don’t feel like living

i can’t stop

•suicidal•

Broken Hearts Club

babies

trance or something | 28.04.19

How to kill myself without making mom sad or my friends feel bad

Even of existing…

- yes, sometimes

When you’re in the middle of feeling every emotion then suddenly you just…don’t feel at all anymore.

I am having a massive panic att ack and crying and im so upset and i jsut want him but i dont wanan bother him hes busy but fuck i i need him mroe than anything 

I promise that you’ll never find another like me~ I know that I'm a handful, baby, uh I know I never think before I jump And you're the kind of guy the ladies want (And there's a lot of cool chicks out there) I know that I went psycho on the phone I never leave well enough alone And trouble's gonna follow where I go (And there's a lot of cool chicks out there) But one of these things is not like the others Like a rainbow with all of the colors Baby doll, when it comes to a lover I promise that you'll never find another like Me-e-e, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh I'm the only one of me Baby, that's the fun of me Eeh-eeh-eeh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh You're the only one of you Baby, that's the fun of you And I promise that nobody's gonna love you like me-e-e~

Truthfully.. I dont feel love for you in my heart anymore. Not in the same way. It makes me so sad. I mourn the death of my happiness. I buried it alive and smothered it to death in graveyard dirt. But... I dont want to love you anymore. You were too much of a pain to my soul. It wasn’t meant to be. I was merely clinging to fallout. You were my whole world, but the planet that was us is gone and now im floating aimlessly through space without a meaning to my life anymore. Maybe I will find a new planet.... maybe I’ll be hit by a comet. We’ll just have to see I guess.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.

Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.

Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.

I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.

Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.

But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.