Digital-dissociation-blog - Digital Dissociation

welp. 

managed to make myself so irrationally angry I cant even breath. 

why on earth do I do this to myself? why? why??

my heart is pounding and racing out of my chest in firey anger and my eyes sting

I know I need to just relax and breathe but I swear its like blinding hot anger.

I shouldnt be so worked up over something from literally years ago that had nothing to do with me 

but.. fuck.. it makes me sick..

im just being a stupid irrationally angry crybaby and i hate it...

I dont want to come back. Let me fade into obscurity. Let the days tick by till my memory becomes stale and the color of my eyes is questionable. Forgettable, is what I am. Pull me from this world, leave me untraceable. Lingering like smoke from a candle, wisping into the air just enough until unseen. Until I am just a burning smell floating on the air, a quickly fleeting reality.

—Poetic Suicide

therapist: how was your week?

me: mm.. i can’t remember

you should experience this. via

https://www.vitaminwater.com/hit-refresh-for-exotic-mango-island-pic/and-20fl-oz-of-tropical-oasis/wow/wish-i-was-there/enhanced/e/the-hot-key-is-command-shift-r/electrolytes/be-sure-to-hit-refresh/but-not-too-much/you-have-to-give/the-page-a-chance-to-load/

What an odd unexpected morning...

Last night, after getting some flashbacks and remembering something that happened to me when I was 15 with a 21-year-old. We had a very toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship. A lot of suicide guilt trips, and other unsavory things. I couldn’t exactly leave even when I tried, because he would threaten himself and me. I got into this weird dissociative fog after a massive panic attack, rereading old logs we had shared nearly 8 years ago. Something in me snapped and pressed that I needed to reach out. So I did. I didn't think I would ever get a reply back, but just the attempt felt enough. Surprisingly...He did, in fact, reply, hours later. I felt a little more than horrified, and of course, broke into another panic attack, my heart was racing and I was trembling. But.. we talked. For a short period of time. I told him why I had messaged him. What he did to me and how I felt and how I still felt. He told me he was sorry for what he did and had/has been in therapy since then and is a better person than he was nearly 10 years ago. He asked me if he could have my forgiveness and I told him I could forgive him as a person, but his actions would take longer. Overall things went ok, and a part of me feels better. He was only one of many who had hurt me, but probably one of the only ones I’d ever be able to get an apology from and know they felt guilt and remorse for what they did to me. So.. I’m glad I was able to do this for myself as scary as it was. In a way at this point in time that scary awful toxic abusive guy that I knew is gone, I don’t have to worry about his existence anymore, I have one less person to be afraid of. He can’t hurt me anymore ever again. I hope somewhere deep inside that this has healed at least a tiny part of me.