Tonight

babies

Life update: Mood swings and depression are at an all-time high. Very horrible. Im not myself lately. I'm mean, nasty, and lashing out at all my loved ones. Trying to convince them to hate me, because if they hate me they can't be sad when im dead. Im actively suicidal and always very close to doing something or hurting myself. Exhausting. I went to the doctors today. Wanted to tell her about my horrible depression, but my mother was there. Got cold feet. Doctor told me Neurology doesn’t do POTS testing at ucsf but Cardiology does, so I’m getting referred for possible table testing. And the Disease place replied back to her and is requesting testing for Lyme because of everything I told them about how sick I am/get , so I had blood work done today. If I come back negative then I don't have to worry at all about it, apparently. But they are running three different types of testing and splotches to make sure. Unfortunately nothing back from mental health though. Which I need badly. I break down crying at nothing  Im just awful in every way...How can he say im getting better..?

I am in a lot of pain, and very emotionally unstable. Everything feels 20x harder on me today. I just want to be done with everything.  Gonna smoke some and try to sleep, if the pain doesn't stop me.

This sudden ‘nazi’ drama is really stupid. I don’t even believe @decayplush​ is even a real nazi. They just actually want the abuse you guys are sending them because they are mentally unwell and thrive off that. That is literally so obvious. Look at the way their whole blog flow changed when they realized the more they could offend the more negative abuse they get. If you even look at their archive they only posted like one photo, and that got attention and they realized they could use that to feed whatever abusive crave they have and are using it to get their fix. They probably don’t even have a boyfriend, and if they do I’m pretty sure they aren’t even a Nazi anyway. Everyone needs to chill because it’s really fucking stupid and all you are doing is putting fuel on a fire. Yes, actual real Nazis are fucking horrible and are literally scum but you guys need to open your eyes and see shit for what it is instead of seeing one thing that triggers you and trying to be keyboard warriors like “U sHaReD tHiS?? U NaZi?? DiE!” without taking a moment to look at the bigger picture. People are just so quick to hop on the discourse trains dick because internet drama is fun. Just admit it. Like @pxiince shared a piece of art, big whoop. The swastika wasn't even originally the symbol of the Nazi and was STOLEN and tainted. It needs to be taken back as the sacred religious symbol that it was for 5,000 years and actual Nazis, ignorant quick-tempered people, and edgy fuckheads can just die mad about it. 

YOU GOT THIS

Your health matters!

You can’t help anyone unless you help yourself.

Rest, Heal and be happy.

Despite the fact that I occasionally compulsively overshare, people somehow still manage to know nothing about me

7/3/19

9:20am

I feel like fuck. My head hurts. My stomach is killing me. Stress ulcers maybe?

My heart has also been acting up again, every anxiety pang gets my heart to skip and palpitate. Which unfortunately is way more often than not. 

Wondering if my iron is low, got that stupid blood disorder that ruins everything if my eating is ‘off’.

I’m also shaking a bit, my hands are just shaking lightly.

Just going to smoke some, calm my nerves, and try and rest.

It’ll pass. Time passing is inevitable, this won’t last forever. I just gotta tough it out.

Fucking tired.

Creating long continuous daydreams to try and go to sleep: great

Creating long continuous daydreams when you’re bored as fuck trying to pass the time: great

Creating long continuous daydreams on a Friday night and realising you’re single and are fantasising over a fictional world and no one actually cares about you: not so great

shoutout to people with simultaneously great and terrible memories. like oh yeah i remember in perfect detail that random story you told about the banana costume from a year ago but all of novemeber? completely blank.