Suicide Attempt Or Just A Fuck Up?

To the next random entitled guy who decides that after just meeting me, sending me an unwanted disgusting cock picture is a good way to get my attention after being busy for a couple hours;

 I will cut that pathetic wad of diseased flesh off your body, smash it with a meat hammer until its perfect to roll into a pointed shape, freeze it until its actually hard in a useful way, not to mention sharp, preceed to then cut you flesh deep groin to sternum, stab it deep into your trachea, and while watching you gurgle and drown in your own blood will i lean close enough to whisper in your ear “ Is this enough attention for you sweetheart?” 

Because if you honestly think that any of those actions you do are excusable, quirky, or even charming, you are gravely mistaken; and you should drown on your own blood if you think that sexually harassing anyone with the sight of your disgusting little hob nob attention-entitled narcissistic prick is the way to keep a conversation going. 

You make me sick and I despise you and everyone like you.

Little Intro

Hi, My call me Dee! I'm a 23-year-old NonBinary[Neutrois] Spoonie. Over the past few years, I've gotten a few official DX’s after suffering for years since I was really young. Its been hard trying to come to terms with things and accepting my mind and body for what they are and the illnesses I do have. It's taken this long to stop fighting myself and consider extensive therapy and medicine. I tried when I was younger but being a mentally Ill and hurting kid I didn’t want to accept certain things. Especially when society makes things like mental illness so taboo. But I’m 23 now and I realize I went through nothing a child should ever have to, and yes I survived but at the cost of my mental and physical well being. Coming to terms with that, and that I can't and will never be fully able-bodied is hard. I'm hoping that eventually, I learn to accept and love myself the way I am and stop comparing myself to others. A bit about my conditions:

Mental:

•C-PTSD

•Anxiety/Panic Disorder [Severe]

•BPD

•Bipolar

•Depression [Severe]

•Dissociative Disorder

•DPDR

•OCD

•Paranoid Personality Disorder

•Maladaptive Daydreaming. [not sure if this counts much.]

| I also think I have OSDD-1b but I'm too scared to tell my new Doctor just yet.

Physical:

•IBS-D

•Fibromyalgia

•PCOS

•Psoriasis

•Terrible sinus/ear issues that we don't know what it's from yet.

•Eating Disorders. [A and B, as well as BED]  •Sluggish Gallbladder

Medications:

Going to start Vistaril soon for my anxiety. Hope it helps. If anyone is on it too let me know how it helps for you.

Tldr; I'm using this blog as a way to help vent and come to terms with things about my mental and physical health. The past few years have hit me so hard. A lot of trauma memories resurfacing because of trying to recover from abuse and a bad childhood. The stress of this flaring up my body and a lot of invalidation from my mother and family. I just want to at least make a small place for myself where I can feel that I somewhat belong, even a tiny bit.

So..Lets see where this goes. :)

When you’re daydreaming a scenario and then suddenly come up with something that would work way better

If I kill myself in daydreams enough times will it finally be real?

Please?

I can make it look like an accident so nobody cares or is sad

Just let me go now please

Please..?

I got in a bit of work today. But also apparently I am having a sciatica flare up in my left leg. Not fun. Sharp pain from my back going down to my calf/side of my leg. But I have to sit here and get this work done. Bleh.