Recovery - Blog Posts
Breathe
To breathe
Was an effort
That heaves heavy
On my bandaged chest
To breathe
Was all a pain
Which tenderly ached
The incision on my breast
To breathe
Was all the easier with you
Tenderly tending my bandages
With your caduceus spirit shining so
And to breathe in
And out was all the easier thanks to your
Healing heart and hands wishing you
Could take the weight and pain away
Bowynn Gods: Jayleen Jarra
Jayleen Jarra (Jay-leen Jar-rah) Goddess of the healing arts and medicinal herbalism. She is one of the daughters of the god Owenn and sometimes her sisters and her are said to be female Kii; referred as The Sisters Jarra. Primarily Jayleen is indeed the goddess that rules or the healing properties of herbs and the making of medicines. She is also a patron of pharmacists and medical scientists.
There are no sacred tales of Jayleen or her sisters outside of their constant vigil over mortals. Jayleen is said to be seen at her father’s side or out in the wild, always looking for new medicinal herbs. Jayleen’s own chamber in Alaway is a massive chamber of every herb, flower, root and wood known to mankind, filled with ground herbs, oils, salves and balms.
Jayleen is described as a young goddess with dark hair and a dress of green. Her Hlad is also green, detailed with images of herbs and medicinal flowers. While some have seen her with a staff in hand, most of the time she has been seen with an herbal basket or medicinal bowl in hand. When not seen in this form, Jayleen will take the form of a bird. Offerings to Jayleen are herbs, flowers and incense.
my goal for today is no instagram reels & read 20 pages of my book. no consequences if i don’t do that because you cannot hate yourself into becoming who you are
The life hack is that if you keep consistently doing healthy things even when you feel like shit you’ll eventually feel less like shit on principle alone
reeeeally been learning a lot about myself lately like oh. my life is actually just beginning
i am really holding on to that 'it will get better' part otherwise i will officially lose it
It's crazy how you have to choose to be different and then once you do it's not even over - you have to choose it again and again forever and yes one day it will feel so natural you don't even notice it anymore but there is no short cut to there, just willpower and repetition
You are going to laugh until your stomach hurts again. You're going to be in awe of a sunset. Watch your favorite show while you eat your favorite food. Find money on the street. Discover a great band you haven't heard of before. You will find your way back.
What an odd unexpected morning...
Last night, after getting some flashbacks and remembering something that happened to me when I was 15 with a 21-year-old. We had a very toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship. A lot of suicide guilt trips, and other unsavory things. I couldn’t exactly leave even when I tried, because he would threaten himself and me. I got into this weird dissociative fog after a massive panic attack, rereading old logs we had shared nearly 8 years ago. Something in me snapped and pressed that I needed to reach out. So I did. I didn't think I would ever get a reply back, but just the attempt felt enough. Surprisingly...He did, in fact, reply, hours later. I felt a little more than horrified, and of course, broke into another panic attack, my heart was racing and I was trembling. But.. we talked. For a short period of time. I told him why I had messaged him. What he did to me and how I felt and how I still felt. He told me he was sorry for what he did and had/has been in therapy since then and is a better person than he was nearly 10 years ago. He asked me if he could have my forgiveness and I told him I could forgive him as a person, but his actions would take longer. Overall things went ok, and a part of me feels better. He was only one of many who had hurt me, but probably one of the only ones I’d ever be able to get an apology from and know they felt guilt and remorse for what they did to me. So.. I’m glad I was able to do this for myself as scary as it was. In a way at this point in time that scary awful toxic abusive guy that I knew is gone, I don’t have to worry about his existence anymore, I have one less person to be afraid of. He can’t hurt me anymore ever again. I hope somewhere deep inside that this has healed at least a tiny part of me.
As a student with anxiety and SPD, it is really important for me to have my fidget toys and calming things at my desk and ready to use. Would recommend this to all students with a mental disorder
things you can do at any stage in life:
love yourself
have a fresh start
go back to school
recover
make new friends
fall in love
go to therapy
learn a skill
discover your passion
repair relationships
change the world
find a new hobby
be happy
it isn’t too late for you. you’ll be okay. there’s no time limit on happiness.
It's okay to 'grieve' things that aren't just death. I've allowed myself to grieve a friendship ending, a situationship, losing something important to me, etc. It's okay to give yourself time to process the loss of something. Grief looks different for everyone, try to find a way that works for you to help make it easier for you.
I'm not a tragic character, I'm a genuine human being I'm not a tragic character, I'm a genuine human being I'm not a tragic character, I'm a genuine human being I'm not a tragic character, I'm a genuine human being
I just realized I’ve spent at least an hour trying to find a tumblr post that conveys how I feel right now or at least encourages my thoughts out of the jumbled up mess they are currently in and it’s like, why can’t I make that post myself? Why can’t I just unravel my thoughts the way I usually do in my journal? Why must I, in a way, torture myself today? Trying to fill I void I already know how to fill and trying to rid myself of a feeling I already am well aware of how to get rid of but I am currently just choosing not to. Like I guess it’s because today was one of those days where it sort of sinks in more than usual just how trapped I feel in my life, but even then I know I don’t have to make it worse. I don’t have to binge eat, I don’t have to force myself to do exercises I very well don’t have the energy for, and I don’t have to starve myself either. There’s other ways to go about my sinking feeling than self destructing.
have you eaten yet? (I love you I love you) do you want a snack? (I love you I love you) what's your favorite food? (I love you I love you) can I make you a cup of tea? (I love you I love you) can you help me with dinner? (I love you I love you) I'll bring you some soup for the cold (I love you I love you) I made these and thought of you (I love you I love you) I'm sorry for your loss, take this it was my mother's recipe (I love you I love you) congratulations! let's celebrate with dessert! (I love you I love you) can I get you something to eat? (I love you I love you) no one can make it like my grandmother's (I love you I love you) I made sure it was dietary restriction friendly for you, I hope you like it (I love you I love you) love is stored in food (I love you I love you I love you I love you)
It’s important to remember that affirmations are not meant to be said just when you’re ready to believe them. We practice affirmations so that we can offer ourselves reminders of kindness and do our best to act on them. It’s okay if you can say “I deserve good things” but can’t believe it yet. The goal is to gently work yourself up until you can.
You have to stop ruining things for yourself preemptively because you believe they’ll fail anyway. Give yourself a chance to succeed.
It's okay if you don't feel hopeful about the future right now. If hope is out of reach, try curiosity instead.
I just want you all to know that there is life beyond your eating disorder. There is hope.
Your life will not always be numbers, body checks, obsessing over every little detail, binges or restriction, pain and suffering. I know it can feel like your ed is your home, who you should be, who you are. But it's not.
It may feel like you've lost yourself (or you've found yourself within this disorder), but I can promise you that you WILL find the real you again. You were not put on this earth to be sick. That is not your purpose in life.
It could feel like without this, there's nothing to you, that this is the only thing you can do right. It's not. There are so many wonderful things that make you you, and one of them is not your eating disorder.
In a weird way, it's kind of comforting, isn't it? It always trips me up to think about, but sometimes it feels like coming home after a long day and being able to drop your bags. But the thing is, there's no comfort to it at all. Our disorders are fantastic liars, and they've tricked us into think we need it, that without it, we're just a shell of a person. You don't need it, you've never needed it, and like I said previously, this disorder is not what makes you who you are. You do. Not anorexia, b.e.d, bulimia, orthorexia, or ednos.
You deserve a life not centered around food and the rules you've created. You deserve to be able to think about other things. To enjoy life again. Please don't let your ed tell you any differently.
Please reach out if you need someone to talk to or if you'd like to send an ask. I wish you all nothing but the best ♡
Never forgiving y'all for normalizing eds
Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
You are allowed to be flawed. You are allowed to be vulnerable. You are allowed to be a complex individual with many layers beneath the surface. You are allowed to have opinions that don't agree with the status quo. You are allowed to live & take up space however you need to. You are allowed to speak your mind. You are allowed to keep your peace of mind protected. You are allowed to cultivate a definition of life you can agree with.
Hey, it's okay. You've been through a lot, your mind focusing on surviving, not leaving room for much else. You haven't lost yourself, not at all.
enemies to lovers but it's me and myself