What An Odd Unexpected Morning...
What an odd unexpected morning...
Last night, after getting some flashbacks and remembering something that happened to me when I was 15 with a 21-year-old. We had a very toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship. A lot of suicide guilt trips, and other unsavory things. I couldn’t exactly leave even when I tried, because he would threaten himself and me. I got into this weird dissociative fog after a massive panic attack, rereading old logs we had shared nearly 8 years ago. Something in me snapped and pressed that I needed to reach out. So I did. I didn't think I would ever get a reply back, but just the attempt felt enough. Surprisingly...He did, in fact, reply, hours later. I felt a little more than horrified, and of course, broke into another panic attack, my heart was racing and I was trembling. But.. we talked. For a short period of time. I told him why I had messaged him. What he did to me and how I felt and how I still felt. He told me he was sorry for what he did and had/has been in therapy since then and is a better person than he was nearly 10 years ago. He asked me if he could have my forgiveness and I told him I could forgive him as a person, but his actions would take longer. Overall things went ok, and a part of me feels better. He was only one of many who had hurt me, but probably one of the only ones I’d ever be able to get an apology from and know they felt guilt and remorse for what they did to me. So.. I’m glad I was able to do this for myself as scary as it was. In a way at this point in time that scary awful toxic abusive guy that I knew is gone, I don’t have to worry about his existence anymore, I have one less person to be afraid of. He can’t hurt me anymore ever again. I hope somewhere deep inside that this has healed at least a tiny part of me.
More Posts from Digital-dissociation-blog and Others
shout out to anyone having a flareup right now. i’m sorry you’re hurting. you’re stronger than you feel right now. go easy on yourself today. you deserve it.
Doctor: So there’s nothing we can do from here…
Me: (having done hours of academic research on the subject)
This sudden ‘nazi’ drama is really stupid. I don’t even believe @decayplush is even a real nazi. They just actually want the abuse you guys are sending them because they are mentally unwell and thrive off that. That is literally so obvious. Look at the way their whole blog flow changed when they realized the more they could offend the more negative abuse they get. If you even look at their archive they only posted like one photo, and that got attention and they realized they could use that to feed whatever abusive crave they have and are using it to get their fix. They probably don’t even have a boyfriend, and if they do I’m pretty sure they aren’t even a Nazi anyway. Everyone needs to chill because it’s really fucking stupid and all you are doing is putting fuel on a fire. Yes, actual real Nazis are fucking horrible and are literally scum but you guys need to open your eyes and see shit for what it is instead of seeing one thing that triggers you and trying to be keyboard warriors like “U sHaReD tHiS?? U NaZi?? DiE!” without taking a moment to look at the bigger picture. People are just so quick to hop on the discourse trains dick because internet drama is fun. Just admit it. Like @pxiince shared a piece of art, big whoop. The swastika wasn't even originally the symbol of the Nazi and was STOLEN and tainted. It needs to be taken back as the sacred religious symbol that it was for 5,000 years and actual Nazis, ignorant quick-tempered people, and edgy fuckheads can just die mad about it.
The hope cannot be found
I dont want to come back. Let me fade into obscurity. Let the days tick by till my memory becomes stale and the color of my eyes is questionable. Forgettable, is what I am. Pull me from this world, leave me untraceable. Lingering like smoke from a candle, wisping into the air just enough until unseen. Until I am just a burning smell floating on the air, a quickly fleeting reality.
—Poetic Suicide
my two very conflicting personality traits
showering: take cold shower so you don’t get dizzy and pass out! Self care!
also me: it must feel like satan is PISSING on you and your skin must peel off like a face mask or it isn’t hot enough. You fucking wimp
'No one gives a fuck about my nightmares, But it's nothing you should worry yourself about.'
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