Wait No I Just Dissociated For Like A Day I Can’t Stop Crying Now 🤪

all i do is yap i’m a professional

good morning. i hope you slept well.

these meds made me have funny dreams. just between us, i haven’t had a good nights sleep since i saw you. i can still remember a dream i had years ago when you left. you were with them. you told me to let you go.

i’m off work today. i lied to my friend about it. i need some alone time. she reminds me so much of you.

i was supposed to move in with her. i was going to go to college. the thought of it was just so scary. moving across the atlantic was a dream i had so many years ago. everything is different now.

i had to surrender my cats when i lost my apartment. i miss them so much. i think that was the last bit of hope i was holding onto. they’re in good homes now. i wish i could visit them.

i wish i could visit you. i wonder what we’d talk about if we were given the chance. would you talk to me? would you yell? would you update me on your life and ask about mine? would we sit in silence?

i remember you said you wished you’d never met me at all. i wonder how true that is. anytime you’d hurt me with your words it was always true. you said i was just like my mother. i was afraid to look in the mirror for months.

i called her you know? in july. i was so high on coke i called her and apologized for ever viewing her as a monster because i was just the same. i hate hypocrites.

i can feel a migraine starting. it’s 8am. i’m back in the same town i swore i’d never come back to. everything looks different.

i hope you have a beautiful day. watch for me in the moon tonight. i was serious about us too.

heart hurts with how much love i hold for one person i never want to shut up about it

do mi ti

why not me

i guess you were right. this is a bit of a diary for me.

so, you found me. i’m working on music. it’s the only way i can ease my nerves.

if someone had told me a week ago i’d hear from you i would’ve laughed in their face. one of my old friends messaged me as well. we ended on not great terms, but we’ve made up. i wonder if this is good?

i’m living back in orlando now. i’m starting a camming company with brian. you don’t know him. basically the idea is a safe space for sex workers without the exploitation. i’m excited about it. it’s a little weird, but i enjoy sex work as long as it’s safe.

this day is dragging by. everytime i remember the call my stomach twists up. i’m very anxious. i’m grateful to anna for offering to be there with me and i’m more grateful you agreed to let her. she’s in just as much of a frenzy as i am right now.

i can’t think of much anything else to say right now. i think i’ll keep posting on here just with general life updates. you obviously aren’t required to read them, but it’s nice to have a place to talk about my life and sort my head out.

it’s strange. i’ve never looked forward to say goodbye to someone. i used to want to hold onto them until my nails broke their skin. now i understand my life is mine to live, it doesn’t matter who’s in it as long as it’s genuine and honest.

i hope you’re taking care of yourself. i hope you’re doing well. i hope you’re happy.

was supposed to rant to piano and then got spooked so i will be emo over here in hopes it is not seen bc spooky x2

being back in my hometown is hard. i knew it would be. i told you so i wouldn’t bother you with it when it hit me. somehow i still feel burdensome when i get upset and am scared to talk about it because most of it is stupid anyway. the last time i was here i was so lost. you know that. i really didn’t have much. a lot has changed obviously but seeing the same things gives me the same feelings. before that, i was here for the start of the downfall. memories are everywhere. with that comes feelings.

i don’t know how to describe the thing going on with z emotionally. im not their biggest fan at the moment but its not like i want anything bad to happen between the two of you. even if i hated them i wouldn’t hope for that because i know how hard it would be on you. four years ago i was in the same place hating them. wanting them gone more than anything. jealous that they got your attention for even a second. even if i don’t want that now i still get the anger that comes with it.

it’s not even really anger towards them. im not angry at anyone but myself. my chest hurts every time i remember i wasn’t enough and likely never will be. not in a “oh let’s be monogamous” way because i don’t want that. more like “i am so lacking and am constantly reminded of that fact”. i’ve worked so hard to change who i am. why am i back where i started? i haven’t felt this unstable in months.

these are the best days of my life and somehow i feel more alone than i have in years. i don’t know how to explain it. we’re always talking. i guess with my work and your sleep and general depression on both sides and everything else going on it’s hard to just have a full day with you. there’s always some interruption. even when we do call we both do our own thing until you fall asleep. and then it disconnects before i do. and then the day is over and it feels wasted. you were talking the other day about being scared i was going to get bored of you. i worry you’ll think the same of me. im not exactly giving you anything you can’t get elsewhere.

im stressed about money and visas and school and just making it to next year or next month or next week or tomorrow. this is so hard to do alone. i know i have you, but i am physically alone. even just waking up next to you would take all of this away. im so tired of everything and just want it to be over already. i want to be there and not have to worry about all this. i want everything to fix itself. im tired of fixing everything myself. i usually make more of mess of it first anyway.

i’ve thought about writing about it. i don’t even know what i would say. “im in the best situation ive ever been in and somehow im crumbling more than ever”? “at least when i was a bad person i didn’t care about any of this”? “im a big whiny baby about everything because nothing is perfect enough for me boo who life is hard”? pretty shitty bars.

i know i have you but i can’t stop myself from wondering for how long.

me vs spiraling from fear of abandonment after silence following an argument like peter u are going to die doing this ur gonna die in that stupid costume

i miss you.

and i miss you.

and i miss you.

and i miss you.

and i miss you.

and i miss you.

and i miss you.

and i miss you.

and i miss you.

and then i lay back down and drown the world out.

i know i wrote three hours ago but my life moves fast i guess. i got into an argument (?) with my best friend over you. i wouldn’t really call it an argument. it was just the same shit again. her telling me you are not a good person and me defending you. she even coined the phrase CRT just for u.

she knows everything that’s happened. i think she even read the document you made. i am so frustrated with people telling me you hurt me. you did, but not on the level i destroyed you.

i am tired of people seeing me as a charity case. i am not broken or wounded. i do not need to be fixed. if i did, i’d leave it in the hands of the professionals.

she reminds me so much of you. she has this “i need to save them” attitude about the world and it hurts me. she tells me all the time that i’m the strongest person she’s ever met but when it comes to you she feels the need to fix how my brain works. it’s upsetting.

i still write about you. i wonder if you’d enjoy the music i write now? it’s very different from where it started. i’ll be honest, some of it is very accusatory and some of it is pathetic. writing is my therapy. it’s a safe way to vent my emotions and filter out what’s real and what’s a delusion. maybe someday i’ll release it. maybe someday you’ll hear it.

i can feel myself falling back into where i was when we first broke up. it’s scary. everytime my phone buzzes i hope it’s you. everytime i know it’s not.

i really wish you cared. maybe you do care. i just wish you didn’t hate me. it’s obvious why you do. that’s why i’m so confused when the people closest to me put you down.

did you eat breakfast today? are you getting enough sun?

it seems only the moon won’t tire of hearing my words about you. maybe you should talk to her.

u ever just get that lil squeezy ouch in your chest that just fuckin Hurts