Was Supposed To Rant To Piano And Then Got Spooked So I Will Be Emo Over Here In Hopes It Is Not Seen
was supposed to rant to piano and then got spooked so i will be emo over here in hopes it is not seen bc spooky x2
being back in my hometown is hard. i knew it would be. i told you so i wouldn’t bother you with it when it hit me. somehow i still feel burdensome when i get upset and am scared to talk about it because most of it is stupid anyway. the last time i was here i was so lost. you know that. i really didn’t have much. a lot has changed obviously but seeing the same things gives me the same feelings. before that, i was here for the start of the downfall. memories are everywhere. with that comes feelings.
i don’t know how to describe the thing going on with z emotionally. im not their biggest fan at the moment but its not like i want anything bad to happen between the two of you. even if i hated them i wouldn’t hope for that because i know how hard it would be on you. four years ago i was in the same place hating them. wanting them gone more than anything. jealous that they got your attention for even a second. even if i don’t want that now i still get the anger that comes with it.
it’s not even really anger towards them. im not angry at anyone but myself. my chest hurts every time i remember i wasn’t enough and likely never will be. not in a “oh let’s be monogamous” way because i don’t want that. more like “i am so lacking and am constantly reminded of that fact”. i’ve worked so hard to change who i am. why am i back where i started? i haven’t felt this unstable in months.
these are the best days of my life and somehow i feel more alone than i have in years. i don’t know how to explain it. we’re always talking. i guess with my work and your sleep and general depression on both sides and everything else going on it’s hard to just have a full day with you. there’s always some interruption. even when we do call we both do our own thing until you fall asleep. and then it disconnects before i do. and then the day is over and it feels wasted. you were talking the other day about being scared i was going to get bored of you. i worry you’ll think the same of me. im not exactly giving you anything you can’t get elsewhere.
im stressed about money and visas and school and just making it to next year or next month or next week or tomorrow. this is so hard to do alone. i know i have you, but i am physically alone. even just waking up next to you would take all of this away. im so tired of everything and just want it to be over already. i want to be there and not have to worry about all this. i want everything to fix itself. im tired of fixing everything myself. i usually make more of mess of it first anyway.
i’ve thought about writing about it. i don’t even know what i would say. “im in the best situation ive ever been in and somehow im crumbling more than ever”? “at least when i was a bad person i didn’t care about any of this”? “im a big whiny baby about everything because nothing is perfect enough for me boo who life is hard”? pretty shitty bars.
i know i have you but i can’t stop myself from wondering for how long.
More Posts from Tristanrhayes and Others
early start today. i’ve been working on music again.
a lot of it is from about a year ago so the emotions are still fresh in the lyrics. i hope you don’t mind. i learned how to make beats and i’ve been working on fitting my lyrics into it. so far i have three done.
i started around 3pm and didn’t stop until about 1am. woke up at 5am and got back on it. it’s 7am now. in my head, i still do the math to figure out what time it is for you.
i’m glad i found a passion in music again. i gave up for so long and it felt like a part of me was missing. writing is my therapy. it’s the safest way to express what i feel without hurting anyone.
i wish i could hear your opinion on what i spent my day doing. you always did have a good taste in music. i wish i had told you that.
i think i might be slightly manic right now. i’m not tired. i’ve been spending a Bit too much money on things i don’t need. maybe it’s just the meds taking their course. my roommates are looking out for me and making sure i’m safe. i love them.
me vs spiraling from fear of abandonment after silence following an argument like peter u are going to die doing this ur gonna die in that stupid costume
chat i gotta be honest i might kill myself
how to deal with massive pussy syndrome
words from we hug now by sydney rose
i hate you for making me feel again
*smothers u in marinara sauce and licks it up*
idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.
i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.
i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.
i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.
ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.
i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.
i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.
i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.
overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.
im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.
nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.
i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.
in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.
i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.
me: i love u
me thirty seconds later: hey idk if u know this but uhhh. i love u
me three minutes later: oh fuck u think he knows i love him? gotta make sure.
