Me Vs Spiraling From Fear Of Abandonment After Silence Following An Argument Like Peter U Are Going To

me: i love u

me thirty seconds later: hey idk if u know this but uhhh. i love u

me three minutes later: oh fuck u think he knows i love him? gotta make sure.

smthg abt nick just makes me so happy he is very caring and good at listening and makes me feel like i am important even if he doesn’t really try to. talked to him last night abt stuff that was bothering me and then just held me until i slept for the first time in like. several days. and even if he didn’t know who ande was he still recognized something was off and tried to talk to her. also also bro is like 18-19 do not know how to feel abt that but he talks very uhhhhhh. mature ???? idk the word for it but he acts around my age. idk if i am making it up bc of bpd stuff but i feel mildly special to him? like i knew who he was before even he told me but then he also told me first so like idk. and cuddles. and he petted my hair. and he let me be stupid and emotional over dumb stuff and did not judge me. and he did not freak out when he said i liked him a little teeny tiny bit. idk i just feel happy around him.

i don’t know how tumblr works help

was that you? i hope it was.

heart hurts with how much love i hold for one person i never want to shut up about it

oh to be one you love again. i miss you always. it takes everything in me to not scream how deep my love runs everytime i see you. you’re so beautiful.

early start today. i’ve been working on music again.

a lot of it is from about a year ago so the emotions are still fresh in the lyrics. i hope you don’t mind. i learned how to make beats and i’ve been working on fitting my lyrics into it. so far i have three done.

i started around 3pm and didn’t stop until about 1am. woke up at 5am and got back on it. it’s 7am now. in my head, i still do the math to figure out what time it is for you.

i’m glad i found a passion in music again. i gave up for so long and it felt like a part of me was missing. writing is my therapy. it’s the safest way to express what i feel without hurting anyone.

i wish i could hear your opinion on what i spent my day doing. you always did have a good taste in music. i wish i had told you that.

i think i might be slightly manic right now. i’m not tired. i’ve been spending a Bit too much money on things i don’t need. maybe it’s just the meds taking their course. my roommates are looking out for me and making sure i’m safe. i love them.

words from we hug now by sydney rose

good morning.

i am just so confused. i can’t talk about it to anyone because i was asked not to but i am not sure what to do. it’s frustrating? i think.

i wrote a song. i was so nervous yesterday i wrote it before the call. it’s called “— goodbye.” i’m trying to give it like a cigarettes after sex vibe i think. here are the lyrics:

the room is spinning

you don’t know me at all

but still, you’re giving me a chance

one more second chance

you know you haunt me

you found the letters buried in my room

years have passed

i never thought id see you again

now i know i won’t

because i’ve said goodbye

i mean it this time

we’re strangers once again

i realize i’ve molded myself into

the person you would’ve wanted

i wonder if that means you’ll haunt me forever

they say you never forget your first true love

perhaps i’ll be carrying you with me

i’ve forgotten your voice

the one i used to know

the one that loved me so

i’m glad you’ve changed

i can’t mourn a ghost that’s not there

i’m glad i said goodbye

because i meant it this time

we’ll always be strangers

and when i lay in bed at night

wishing i had someone to love me again

i’ll remember all you taught me

and understand love comes naturally

not from force

i won’t worry about what could’ve been

only what could still be

i’ve always seen the world from eyes

that search for the reason “why?”

i’ve waited and waited for a chance like this

but now that it’s over

it’s time to say goodbye.

it’s just a draft of course. id like to add some things and make it more coherent. the way i write is just word vomit on a page. i posted the instrumental on my twitter.

i changed the album list again. took off some songs that i just didn’t like. they were pretty negative anyway.

i haven’t heard from the others in days and i’m not quite sure why. my head feels quiet.

other than that, i feel free. it’s like a weight has been lifted off my chest. i don’t know how to feel about it or if i should feel anything.

i think i like having a diary.

pov ur dating ur best friend and they mean the fucking world to u and u don’t know how to tell them so u just repeatedly say “i love u” and hope they get the message