Do Mi Ti

good morning.

i am just so confused. i can’t talk about it to anyone because i was asked not to but i am not sure what to do. it’s frustrating? i think.

i wrote a song. i was so nervous yesterday i wrote it before the call. it’s called “— goodbye.” i’m trying to give it like a cigarettes after sex vibe i think. here are the lyrics:

the room is spinning

you don’t know me at all

but still, you’re giving me a chance

one more second chance

you know you haunt me

you found the letters buried in my room

years have passed

i never thought id see you again

now i know i won’t

because i’ve said goodbye

i mean it this time

we’re strangers once again

i realize i’ve molded myself into

the person you would’ve wanted

i wonder if that means you’ll haunt me forever

they say you never forget your first true love

perhaps i’ll be carrying you with me

i’ve forgotten your voice

the one i used to know

the one that loved me so

i’m glad you’ve changed

i can’t mourn a ghost that’s not there

i’m glad i said goodbye

because i meant it this time

we’ll always be strangers

and when i lay in bed at night

wishing i had someone to love me again

i’ll remember all you taught me

and understand love comes naturally

not from force

i won’t worry about what could’ve been

only what could still be

i’ve always seen the world from eyes

that search for the reason “why?”

i’ve waited and waited for a chance like this

but now that it’s over

it’s time to say goodbye.

it’s just a draft of course. id like to add some things and make it more coherent. the way i write is just word vomit on a page. i posted the instrumental on my twitter.

i changed the album list again. took off some songs that i just didn’t like. they were pretty negative anyway.

i haven’t heard from the others in days and i’m not quite sure why. my head feels quiet.

other than that, i feel free. it’s like a weight has been lifted off my chest. i don’t know how to feel about it or if i should feel anything.

i think i like having a diary.

please.

the only reason my favourite animal is the dunkleosteus is because of the game hungry shark where they called it “big daddy”

i guess you were right. this is a bit of a diary for me.

so, you found me. i’m working on music. it’s the only way i can ease my nerves.

if someone had told me a week ago i’d hear from you i would’ve laughed in their face. one of my old friends messaged me as well. we ended on not great terms, but we’ve made up. i wonder if this is good?

i’m living back in orlando now. i’m starting a camming company with brian. you don’t know him. basically the idea is a safe space for sex workers without the exploitation. i’m excited about it. it’s a little weird, but i enjoy sex work as long as it’s safe.

this day is dragging by. everytime i remember the call my stomach twists up. i’m very anxious. i’m grateful to anna for offering to be there with me and i’m more grateful you agreed to let her. she’s in just as much of a frenzy as i am right now.

i can’t think of much anything else to say right now. i think i’ll keep posting on here just with general life updates. you obviously aren’t required to read them, but it’s nice to have a place to talk about my life and sort my head out.

it’s strange. i’ve never looked forward to say goodbye to someone. i used to want to hold onto them until my nails broke their skin. now i understand my life is mine to live, it doesn’t matter who’s in it as long as it’s genuine and honest.

i hope you’re taking care of yourself. i hope you’re doing well. i hope you’re happy.

it’s easter. i don’t remember what that was like with you. i think i’ve forgotten a lot of it now.

i’m cooking dinner for my brother and his fiancé. you wouldn’t have liked what i made. i don’t think i will like it very much either. my tastes have changed over the years. everything is bland and nothing will fill the hole inside of me.

we used to talk about doing this domestic shit together. id clean the house or make dinner that you’d pretend to like for me. i wish you hadn’t done that. i wonder if their tastes are more similar to yours? knowing what i know, that’s probably true. i doubt you have arguments over something as simple as food. i wish i didn’t pick arguments over such insignificant things.

i think i like someone again. he is nothing like you. he’s 23, good relationship with his mom, cowboy, six foot something. i know it’s a dumb word, but having crushes now is different. everytime i find myself attracted to someone i compare every little thing they do to you. with him, i don’t find much. he has your kindness and playful personality, but that’s about it. i think that’s why i like him so much.

work was hard today. i’m trying to quit smoking. i’ve given up all substances other than what i’m rightfully prescribed. i wonder if you’d be proud of that? i wonder if you’d feel anything at all.

me: gets pulled over

officer: license and registration?

me: hands it to them

officer: here’s ur ticket

me: but officer, isn’t there anything i can do to make u forget about this?

officer: pulls out handcuffs

me: oh okay

officer: ur under arrest for bribing a law enforcement officer

words from we hug now by sydney rose

there should be a sexy way to pour soup on someones head

thinking about baked bean

i can’t message u. i know i can’t. but i want to apologize. so here goes nothing bc u will never see this but i will never get the chance to take accountability with u unless i do this.

i know a simple “i’m sorry” won’t cut it. i’ve done too much damage for that. my mind is kinda scrambled rn cause i’ve had a Rough week but i’m just going to go through a list of the things i need to apologize for and things that i am genuinely sorry that i did. to start, i’m sorry for always talking down to u. whether it was serious or not, i always had a knack for making myself feel superior. i did it so often. we’d get into a disagreement and i always felt the need to put you down. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for isolating you from your friends and family. i never should’ve felt the need to fight for your love. that’s not how that works. it was incredibly abusive and i’m sure i don’t even know half of the damage it caused you and your loved ones. your mom, sisters, friends, i felt threatened by all of them and for some reason decided to pull you closer towards me to prove i was better than them. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for harassing zelda for months. you were always the one to put out the fires between us (the ones i caused), and that wasn’t fair to either of you. i’m sorry for commenting on them and their life and their body and worse, lying to cover it up and act like you and them were crazy. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for harassing you for months. i’m sorry i played you out to be some sort of evil villain when all you wanted was love. i’m sorry for threatening you. i’m sorry for repeatedly lying to you over things when it would’ve been so much easier to just tell the truth. i’m sorry for joking about trauma that was not mine to joke about. i’m sorry for commenting on your life or body or whatever i felt the need to to put myself above you. i’m so sorry.

i’m sorry for still feeling like i need to talk to you. i’m sorry for messaging you at all. i need to let you go so you can finally be free of me. i’m sorry for being so incredibly selfish that i feel the need to cope in ways that hurt you. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for lying to you just so i could have your attention. i’m sorry i didn’t choose healthier ways to express my needs. i’m sorry for destroying your trust. i’m sorry for doing everything i said i wouldn’t. i’m so so sorry.

i’m sorry for begging for your forgiveness just to kick you down again. i’m sorry i used mental illness as an excuse to treat you like that. i’m sorry i never listened other than when i was an inch away from losing you.

i’m sorry for taking you from the happiest time of your life to an inch from death. i’m sorry i never took you seriously. i’m sorry i took you for granted. i’m sorry i only showed i wanted you when you weren’t mine to want anymore. i’m sorry i never believed in you. i’m sorry for all the trauma i’ve caused. i’m sorry.

if there’s anything i can do, please. please tell me. if not, know that this is all from the heart i once had. i love how beautiful your soul is, even after everything.