I Guess You Were Right. This Is A Bit Of A Diary For Me.
i guess you were right. this is a bit of a diary for me.
so, you found me. i’m working on music. it’s the only way i can ease my nerves.
if someone had told me a week ago i’d hear from you i would’ve laughed in their face. one of my old friends messaged me as well. we ended on not great terms, but we’ve made up. i wonder if this is good?
i’m living back in orlando now. i’m starting a camming company with brian. you don’t know him. basically the idea is a safe space for sex workers without the exploitation. i’m excited about it. it’s a little weird, but i enjoy sex work as long as it’s safe.
this day is dragging by. everytime i remember the call my stomach twists up. i’m very anxious. i’m grateful to anna for offering to be there with me and i’m more grateful you agreed to let her. she’s in just as much of a frenzy as i am right now.
i can’t think of much anything else to say right now. i think i’ll keep posting on here just with general life updates. you obviously aren’t required to read them, but it’s nice to have a place to talk about my life and sort my head out.
it’s strange. i’ve never looked forward to say goodbye to someone. i used to want to hold onto them until my nails broke their skin. now i understand my life is mine to live, it doesn’t matter who’s in it as long as it’s genuine and honest.
i hope you’re taking care of yourself. i hope you’re doing well. i hope you’re happy.
More Posts from Tristanrhayes and Others
my debut comes out april 24th. it’s not necessarily about you, but some parts may feel like it. i’m excited. you’d probably enjoy it.
me: gets pulled over
officer: license and registration?
me: hands it to them
officer: here’s ur ticket
me: but officer, isn’t there anything i can do to make u forget about this?
officer: pulls out handcuffs
me: oh okay
officer: ur under arrest for bribing a law enforcement officer
i wake up. i take my pills. i listen to your playlist in the car. i drive to work. i blink and hours have past. i go home. i kiss him and cook with him and sleep with him and i pretend. i pretend i’m not as lonely as i am.
i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and then i lay back down and drown the world out.
me: i love u
me thirty seconds later: hey idk if u know this but uhhh. i love u
me three minutes later: oh fuck u think he knows i love him? gotta make sure.
i fear i went too deep this time chat
do mi ti
why not me
my roommates are fighting.
they’re engaged. i love them both very much but they’re both very different when they’re upset. it’s never as triggering as i expect it to be. maybe something in me is still too broken to fix.
i’ve kind of become their couples therapist. i’m usually unneeded but i’m good at looking at situations from the outside.
i do catch myself wondering if this would’ve been us. i hope not. it gets pretty heated. it’s not a bad relationship, they just clash when it comes to the communication of different agreements. i know they love each other.
i loved you even when we fought.
i heard about your mom. i know she wasn’t good at being your mother but it’s okay to grieve over the loss all the same. it’s also okay to not feel anything at all. people cope in different ways.
i’m still working on my music. it’s been three days now. i have three instrumentals done and i have the album list hammered out. there’s really only one song on there about you. maybe two if you squint hard enough. i’m glad none of them are negative towards you.
i attempted to drink last night and am pleased to say alcohol still repulses me. it did give me some new ideas to map out though.
i wonder what you’re up to?
how to deal with massive pussy syndrome
