Latest Posts by smittenmeraki - Page 2

TGR SPOILERS

Jeremy has paid an exorbitant price for his brother's suicide, which, to be honest, wasn't even his. Noah shouldn't have been his responsibility in the first place. He's lost his family and will never get it back. The press humiliated him, the police denigrated him, his siblings and stepfather constantly insult him, his IDs have been seized, and he has no financial control to the point where he has to explain himself for buying a cup of coffee (and without ID, he can't work, so he can't make a living any other way). His family tries to isolate him by buying off his ex-partner. Bryson threatens him. Jeremy knows his future doesn't depend on him, so he decides he'll take some fun classes while he can. The guilt is so great that he seeks out dangerous and degrading sex in search of redemption. He allows his mother to boss him around, trying to get her to forgive him and love him. He's desperate for his biological father to call him.

And yet, he greets you with a fucking smile every day and tries to help his teammates as best he can and make everything as bearable for them. And yet, he tries to call Kevin and Neil to tell them not to overexert themselves when he's always so tired, he sometimes falls asleep while driving.

That's Jeremy Knox.

That's Captain Sunshine.

I did it 👉👈

I know that everyone wants Jeremy to help Jean get over his fear of water. I know cannonically thats what is most likely to happen, however hear my out on my hc's that I think are reasonable.

TGR spoliers big time:

Ten steps back, it has been hinted at that Jeremy might crash his car. I believe that this is completely within reason and I can see it happening in the next book. 1. He has fallen asleep at the wheel more than once. 2. They worried about his constant lack of sleep and how much he has on his plate. 3. The apartment being even further than before 4. He is doing even more than previous years Ex: learning french, studing for LSAT (is that the correct abbreviation?? Law!) And 5. Teaching Jean how to be a whole human being on so many levels. Man's exhusted. So I can definitely see him crashing. Now the severity of this may very, if its late or raining or a million other things to make it worse. My brain is stuck on him flipping over a guard rail, but any type of crash can cause major injury which leads us to where this post is supposed to be. Jeremy crashing the car and everyone going to pick him up from the hospital. Maybe he even is unconscious when they get there and has all these machines, stuff Jean has never seen, he doesnt know what any of this does, he never got real medical help. So of course hes worried, his partner is breathing through a tube. A day or two later they bring him home (after heavy convincing, his mother lets him stay with the girls for the sake of making it to classes on time) Jeremy is benched for at least 5 weeks, concussion, sprains, pulled mucsles, etc. Day three of being out of the hospital and he feels disgusting. Painstakingly making his way to the bathroom to shower, Jean follows him, hovering his hands out in case he stumbles. Jeremy lets him help, leaning on Jean as he hobbles into the bathroom, but Jean doesnt leave when Jeremy turns on the water. A moment of awkward staring at each other, Jean asks if he needs help. Of course Jeremy is embarrassed, a little ashamed and wanting to do it alone out of spite, but Jean insists he could fall, benching himself longer, so he lets him help. Its awkward and neither know where to put their hands, Jeremy tries to wash himself at first, letting Jean keep him steady, but the sore muscles make it hard to clean his hair, so they switch. Jeremy holds at Jeans shoulders as Jean scrubs soap into his scalp. Jean stays as far out of the spray as he can, occasionally wiping the water off his face, but hes focused on helping his partner get better. It doesnt matter that hes scared because Jeremy is hurt and its miserable watching him struggle. Of course some of the fear is stomped out by the adoration and hunger he gets from the way Jeremy closes his eyes and contently hums at how Jean rinses out the soap. How can he be scared when Jeremy is using him as a crutch, tan freckled skin and blonde hair under his hands. The need to help his partner override the fear.

RAH I am so temped to actually write a fanfiction about this because it could be at least 4 chapters. ANYWAY, not sorry for more JereJean posts :D

I did a thing! Regarding my post from yesterday, I have now written the first chapter that will probably only be two. Lowkey embarrassing myself here, take it before I chicken out and delete it lol.

I know that everyone wants Jeremy to help Jean get over his fear of water. I know cannonically thats what is most likely to happen, however hear my out on my hc's that I think are reasonable.

TGR spoliers big time:

Ten steps back, it has been hinted at that Jeremy might crash his car. I believe that this is completely within reason and I can see it happening in the next book. 1. He has fallen asleep at the wheel more than once. 2. They worried about his constant lack of sleep and how much he has on his plate. 3. The apartment being even further than before 4. He is doing even more than previous years Ex: learning french, studing for LSAT (is that the correct abbreviation?? Law!) And 5. Teaching Jean how to be a whole human being on so many levels. Man's exhusted. So I can definitely see him crashing. Now the severity of this may very, if its late or raining or a million other things to make it worse. My brain is stuck on him flipping over a guard rail, but any type of crash can cause major injury which leads us to where this post is supposed to be. Jeremy crashing the car and everyone going to pick him up from the hospital. Maybe he even is unconscious when they get there and has all these machines, stuff Jean has never seen, he doesnt know what any of this does, he never got real medical help. So of course hes worried, his partner is breathing through a tube. A day or two later they bring him home (after heavy convincing, his mother lets him stay with the girls for the sake of making it to classes on time) Jeremy is benched for at least 5 weeks, concussion, sprains, pulled mucsles, etc. Day three of being out of the hospital and he feels disgusting. Painstakingly making his way to the bathroom to shower, Jean follows him, hovering his hands out in case he stumbles. Jeremy lets him help, leaning on Jean as he hobbles into the bathroom, but Jean doesnt leave when Jeremy turns on the water. A moment of awkward staring at each other, Jean asks if he needs help. Of course Jeremy is embarrassed, a little ashamed and wanting to do it alone out of spite, but Jean insists he could fall, benching himself longer, so he lets him help. Its awkward and neither know where to put their hands, Jeremy tries to wash himself at first, letting Jean keep him steady, but the sore muscles make it hard to clean his hair, so they switch. Jeremy holds at Jeans shoulders as Jean scrubs soap into his scalp. Jean stays as far out of the spray as he can, occasionally wiping the water off his face, but hes focused on helping his partner get better. It doesnt matter that hes scared because Jeremy is hurt and its miserable watching him struggle. Of course some of the fear is stomped out by the adoration and hunger he gets from the way Jeremy closes his eyes and contently hums at how Jean rinses out the soap. How can he be scared when Jeremy is using him as a crutch, tan freckled skin and blonde hair under his hands. The need to help his partner override the fear.

RAH I am so temped to actually write a fanfiction about this because it could be at least 4 chapters. ANYWAY, not sorry for more JereJean posts :D

When Jean gets there, its a screaming match between Jeremy and Bryson, Jeremy sobbing as he is yelling his heart out. William opens the front door at the sound of the motorcycle, an open invitation to join the dispute. Of course Bryson is pissed to see Jean (also slightly scared) but Jean just ignores him, going directly to Jeremy, getting between them and gently pushing him to the door.

"You're running away? Again." Bryson barks at Jeremy, but before he can antagonise him further or before Jeremy can response, Jean whips around, all his rage seconds from bursting.

"You ignorant, intolerant flickle minded child! You have the kindest brother anyone could ever ask for and you fucking ruin him at every turn." Bryson tries to cut in, but Jean steps closer, getting louder. "You are beyond pathetic. Just because your mommy's favorite doesnt give you the right such a brain dead waste of oxygen. If you ever make him cry again-" Jean stops, taking in a ragid breath, attempting to calm himself "Walk away from me before I start breaking bones." The death glare Jean locks on him has Bryson stepping back. Jean doesn't budge as Jeremy tries to pull him to the door, waiting for Bryson to take a few more steps back. Only when there's distance between then does be turn, keeping eyes on him and he lets Jeremy proceed him.

"Lets get you home." All of the anger in Jean voice is gone, replaced with concern and grief. Jeremy cries the whole ride, tightly clingy to Jean as he desperately tries to stop his sobbing. When Jean parks, he doesnt try to get off. Instead, he holds at Jeremy arms around his torso, grabbing his hands into his own, gently squeezing.

"I'll never let him hurt you again. I'd bury him before I let him lay hands on you." Jeans declaration is left without response when Jeremy whimpers out.

"I tried to remember. My mind went blank, I couldn't find the words. I tried-" Jean shushes him lightly, rubbing at Jeremy arm.

"We will work on it. You did good. What matters is that your home. We will start speaking french more often, with practice, you will get there." Jeremy picks his head up, resting it on Jeans shoulder. Their helmets keep them from looking at each other as they clank together.

"Thank you." Jeremy sighs out. "For getting me out of there." The relief in his tone has Jean relaxing, leaning back into his chest.

"Come on, Cat should have dinner ready by now."

as much as we all want jeremy to use the phrase to get jean to whisk him away from his abusive family, imagine if he can’t. jeremy just can’t remember. and he calls jean, sounding so broken and defeated. so tired. crying.

“I’m sorry I forgot. I’ll let you yell at me later for it, I promise. But please— can you please come get me?”

and somehow jeremy’s broken plea is so much harder to hear than the phrase would’ve been.

and of course jean isn’t going to yell at him. forgotten phrases or not, he’s going to get jeremy the fuck out of there. no question.

the fact that jean knew next to nothing about bryson but took one look at jeremy’s face and decided something had to be done about him is wild. the fact that he stood up calmly and yet waited for jeremy to react again, heard the panic in his voice, and acted, is telling.

“it is my place to assess and handle threats against you” is like the absolute best way of saying “I’ll protect you” that I’ve ever read.

and I know we all lost our minds over this scene because of what jean goes and does and APPROPRIATELY SO, but like…

I almost never see anyone talk about the fact that this is the first time jean has a protective instinct towards jeremy. and instead of something like “I’ll go talk to him” or “I’ll make him leave” . . . . .

nora really had jean pretty much go “cat, hold my monopoly money. I don’t want to get blood on it.” and then he went and THREW A MOTHERFUCKER OFF THE PORCH. and then held him against the windshield because bryson was too stupid to stay put. choked him.

again we all lost our ever-loving minds and squealed and screamed because HOW COULD YOU NOT? but nora set a wild standard for people everywhere because this was jean’s first time protecting jeremy and look at how extremely he reacted. raven or not, damn.

guys. peeps. that next book is gonna be gold.

Take this man to get a tattoo. Take 👏 this👏 man 👏 to 👏 get 👏 a 👏 tattoo!! GAH theres nothing else that can make him reach peak hotness (big messy manbun 👀) like a tattoo can.

No but really, I can see him getting like blackberry flowers or maybe seashells in remembrance of Elodie. Something simple and sweet, very little coloring thats well shaded on his forearm or his bicep. Maybe even putting her name in fancy cursive (if he can bring himself to be so sentimental, I know he struggles to say/hear her name)

As much as I would really like to see him reunited with her (remains)

[ talked about here https://www.tumblr.com/smittenmeraki/778038352449601536/no-because-i-keep-thinking-of-neil-having-his?source=share ],

I dont think that will happen and this is a beautiful way for him to pay tribute and put her to rest.

at some point after tgr, the trojans sit cat down intervention-style

‘cat you CANNOT keep making jean hotter. you taught him how to cook. you taught him how to drive a motorcycle and helped him get his own. you’re getting him to show his soft boy side in public. you helped convince him to be a dog dad cat we CAN’T HANDLE ANY MORE the whole team is obsessed with him and jeremy is DYING can you have some CONSIDERATION cat’

What I would give for a scene with Jean and Renee where she finally gets to see him up closed and healed. She'd walk up to him with a big smile and offer a hug, maybe he would hesitate, but its Renee so of course he hugs her, but not some simple side hug or a quick one. Instead he melts into her, letting her pull him down with arms around his shoulders and smile buried into his neck. And he is just, completely relaxed, full body relief. Renee is all warm smiles and soft words and Jean has that heartbreak love in his eyes. Then theres Jeremy with a jelaous understanding that Jean needs this, that he needs her. She cradles his face after he pulls away and looks at his scars, traces where the bruises were before telling him "you look good." And Jean's response is honest "I am"

Later that night Jeremy doesn't mean to ask about her but its been on his mind, Jean can tell something is eating at him.

"Spill it." Jean demands without looking up.

"What." Jeremy startles out of his thoughts, not following the conversation.

"Whats wrong?"Jeremy hesitates, unsure of how to say it.

"You care about her." It only takes Jean a moment to understand who he means.

"She saved my life." Its not exactly an answer, but its true.

"You told Cat you had been a in love before. Was it Renee?" Jeremy regrets the question the second he sees Jeans pained scowl. "We dont have to talk-"

"No. Maybe in another life, but it wasn't Renee I fell in love with. I dont think I was capable of loving someone when I was with her."

"Not capable?" Jeremy echos confused, trying to ignore his phrasing.

"It was against the rules." Jean looks away "I'm trying to change them now."

"The ravens rules. They wouldn't let you love someone?"

"No. It was a distraction. But now I have someone worth breaking them for." Jean shrugs, getting up before Jeremy can question 'who'.

Thinking about Jean looking away. So its cannon that Jeans not great at hiding his emotions on his face so do you think that Jeremy starts to put the peices together. Everytime Jean gets embarrassed, 'hungry' or really just feels any emotion he doesnt know how to handle he looks away. Do you think his mouth twitches? Or maybe a bit of blush in his cheeks, his eyebrows knitting together. Grrr I want Jeremy to see Jean look away in a panic and to finally register as to why, to see that he made him feel something. Oh and what I would give to have him tease him about it like "oh my gosh, is your face actually red?" "Why you hiding?" GAH My Brain!

tgr spoilers!!!

they are everything to me oh my god

So we can all agree that at some point Jeremy is gonna ride Jeans motorcycle. I want a moment of Jeremy being nervous beforehand while Jean is going over basic safety and communication, but Jeremy is just not paying attention, so Jean does that super hot, grab the chin of the helmet maneuver, making him look up and saying something like "pay attention" or "listen to me" and Jeremy is just immediately weak in the knees like 'oh fuck, he can get hotter.' And I NEED Jean to notice, to see his eyes go wide and his face get red because the amount of times Jean has grabbed Jeremys chin, this is going to be the moment that gets them both.

I don't know anything about the raven AUs or what the extra content has to say but can you imagine if Jean, Kevin, Neil and Andrew were all at evermore at once, because ive been dwelling on it. It would be endless fights. Fists would fly so often. We'd have the whole kevjean situationship plus the andreil mess that is them. Also, jeaneil would be THE power couple. If they had been partners for years, can you imagine the brutality of their insults, oml. I would never want to piss them off or youd just be thrown through the nine rings of hell that is verbal abuse.

And if Andrew still made the deal for nicky and Aaron (not sure that would work but its something to consider)

Would Aaron and Andrew be partners? How would they handle all their problems if they are stuck together 24/7? Do you think Aaron would still fall in love? Would Andrew take medical classes so Aaron can be a doctor? Do you this Aaron has PTSD, thinking of Talia everytime a beating happens?

Dont even get me started on how it would destroy Nicky. He is not built to handle any of that. Plus what Riko would do to him and Andrew, eventually even to Neil. Riko caught Jean by simple looks and Andrew constantly pointed out "that" look on Neil, they would be fucked.

But it would be so intresting to read.

Some of my fav out of context quotes for my current WIP :

"I'm convinced your last brain cell is a ping pong ball and I'm pretty sure it had a hole in it."

"You hate me." [He says lovingly]

She smiles. (This one is significant for trans reasons 🥲)

"Your father could never hate you, mine could never love me"

"I don't think its often that 'foul' and 'beautiful' are used to discribe the same thing." (This pleases her)

"Mr. Jones has had to put up with you two brain-dead gentlemen for fifteen years..."

"Never anger. Jealousy, but never anger."

"I never meant to love you" (this one was devastating to write)

"...that coffin is where he belongs and I'm grateful that he is gone." (Get his ass!)

"You shouldn't, 'good' is a word I would never use to describe myself."

"Have you ever dug a grave?" (Hehehehe [menacing])

This song is both Andreil coded and Jeaneil coded. Andrews POV to Neil and Neils POV to Jean. Its all i can think of everytime i hear it

"And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight

But my hand's been broken one too many times

So I'll use my voice, I'll be so fucking rude

Words, they always win, but I know I'll lose"

Andrew having lost Cass, the only person he considered family for so long. He gave so much of himself up and let himself be ruined just so he could have a mother. Not sure how love a person because life has been an endless cycle of hate and hurt.

Neil having seen everything Jean went through, wanting so desperately to protect him but he failed before he even knew him. Knowing of the ruthless, never ending suffering Jean indured alone, being his misplaved forever partner, not even knowing he abandoned him.

Both wanting to fight, willing to do and say anything for his sake. Andrew willing to go against the literal yakuza. Neil putting a hit out in Grayson. Ready to meet the ends of the earth, but its so difficult because of everything that happened in their pasts.

No, because I keep thinking of Neil having his uncle do research, to find who bought her and what happened, all the details of her death. He knows its an absolutely horrible thing and how soul crushing it is but he finds where her remains are and takes Jean to her, giving him the opportunity to put her to rest, to be properly mourned. Maybe even getting to keep her ashes and learn the truth. It would be this horrible heartbreaking thing, but Jean can finally stop letting his mind spiral on the endless 'what if's' and 'could have been's'. Neil comforting Jean and realizing he just isn't want he needs so he takes him back to the floozies and Jean just spills his heart out because his little sister is gone. But he has her ashes and her urn has a little duckling on it. The engraving "Elodie Moreau" in beautiful French. On nights where he can't bury that box in his heart he craddles her in his arms and tells stories of things that make him happy, explaining his list, talking about maybe, just maybe allowing himself to fall in love, admitting that Jabberwocky isn't all that bad, but never mentioning the truama, never talking about the nest, because he needs his baby sister to know that one of them made it, that he's okay and that never once did he forget about her.

AHHH Im a little drunk and a lot heartbroken with too much to think about. I really hope we lesrn what happened to her and I want Jean to be able to properly greive. 😭😭

I am driving myself INSANE thinking of Elodie Moreau.

She was TEN when Jean was sold. TWELVE when she was sold. How old when she died? How many horrors did she have to suffer? How bad was her death for dead to be “a mild term for it”??

All I can imagine is how Jean must have torn himself apart at having to leave her. How he fought for himself and for her in the Nest those first few months and how he slowly had to lock her away to keep himself from sinking under. Because he was drowning all those years, there’s no mistake, but if he’d thought of what—who—he left behind and where? Oh Jean would have been dead long before 2007.

All I can think about is Jean finding out the details of Elodie’s death, of having to tell Jeremy and Laila and Cat. And having to sit there as they process and allow them to comfort him because he does want to be comforted, but how can he wrap his head around what happened to his little sister? And then he had to sit there while the Trojans find out that his parents SOLD both their kids and let them suffer. Jean has to sit in the eye of a hurricane, everything around him static, as the world finds out that Elodie Moreau was real, lived, and died gruesomely and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

How much of a failure Jean must think he is, even when it wasn’t his job to protect her, but he still did because if not him, who else?

I can’t stop thinking that she never reached 15. That Jean never lived more than 14 years with his beloved little sister and had to instead wrap her up in chains and hide her in the darkness of his mind. That loss, is soul shattering, and he will never recover, because she’s gone.

I don't ship kevjean not because its not there but because its been destroyed. I believe Kevin loved him back but knew it was a horrible idea, he saw what Riko did to Jean. He knew what it would cost them and so he ignored it, but now that they are both out, its too late. They have hurt each other way too much. They are starcrossed lovers, doomed by the narrative. They love each other just as much as they hate each other. It was real in every way they could never have.

Proof for the Kevjean deniers

(there are way more quotes and also just the way they interact with each other, but Tumblr only allows me to post 10 images in one post so I shortlisted)

This started out as a silly cute JereJean idea I had at work and now I fear it needs a trigger warning 😀 (also I had to rewrite it like 12 times because I kept forgetting to save the draft and closing tumblr)

//TGR SPOLIERS//

//TW: hints of sexual abuse//

ITS WHOLESOME I PROMISE 😭😭

Its the middle of night, Jeremy hasn't been able to sleep, at peace simply staring at the ceiling listening to Jeans breathing. Until eventually his breathing gets faster, more aggravatied and quiet shuffles occasionally fill the air. Jean's having another nightmare. Jeremy debates waking him up, but doesn't get the chance before he startles himself awake. Jean sits up, looking over at him for a brief moment then waves him off as he makes his way to the kitchen. Jeremys not sure if its dismissial for him to go back to sleep or for him not to ask about his dream, not that he ever does. Jeremy debates if he wants to follow and before he makes a conscious decision, hes kicking the blankets off. Jean says nothing as he fills a glass with water, watching in a half asleep daze as jeremy leans against the counter.

"Why are you up?" Its not anger or concern, simple curiosity as to why Jeremy followed him. He shrugs in response.

"Cant sleep." He mumbles. Jean only hums in return. Maybe its how deliriously tired he is or maybe its the way he can feel Jeans body heat despite the foot and a half of distance between them, Jeremy can't help, but smile. When Jean quirks an eyebrow at him, its impossible to suppress the giggle. Attempting to force it away, he clears his throat, waving a hand aimlessly.

"Sorry sorry. I'm tired. I don't know." Hes giggling again before he even finishs his sentence.

"Then sleep." Jeans voice isn't demanding, its light and calm, a suggestion. Jeremy shrugs again, watching Jean sip his water.

"I"m content here." He gives a calm smile, closing his eyes for a moment while drawing in a deep breath, he goes into a giggling fit upon the exhale and had to look down to calm himself. "Sorry, sorry, you're just...amusing." he gives a content hum, trying to straighten himself and not explaining his train of thought.

"I didn't do anything." Jean rolls his eyes, but has to shove away the warm fondness that laugh is bringing him. He sips his water for a distraction.

"You don't have to, being here is enough." Jeremy settles himself, if only just and Jean now feels like he's the one unabke to catch his breath. The kitchen is dark, the street light from the curtainless windows being their only light as the world sleeps. The girls blissfully in a slumber in the room over and the house quiet, it seems like they are the only two to exisit in this moment.

Maybe Jean is just as tired as Jeremy because he doesn't recall making the decision to move, maybe its the alluring gravity of Jeremys laugh, or the way he can see the cold prickling at his arms, but he steps closer, reaching around him to set the glass down on the counter. Jeremy reaches back behind him, holding the counter on either side as Jean all but closes their distance. His smile is still there, soft and sleepy. Jean knows he should look away, ignore the bedhead and the way the street lamp glows softly on his skin, but he can't. In a moment of untter out of control impulse, he leans forward, stopping at the last second. His lips a breath away from Jeremys. He can feel him go still, the tension in his muscles, but he doesn't move, doesn't tell him to stop, but he can't take that last irreversible step. The panic rises in him and as he contemplates walking away, "Jean..." Jeremy's breath on his lips nearly makes his knees give out and the gentle tone he speaks in is so clearly a question.

"Can I?" he says without thinking. Jeremys 'yeah' was felt more than heard. Jean barely brushes their lips together in a single, soft kiss. He hesitates to pull away, wanting more. Jeremys fingers wraping into the front of Jeans shirt almost causes him to lean in instead. With his eyes still closed, Jeremy gives the slighest tug of Jean shirt, making him lose every ounce of composure he had. Jean knows he should stop, to not give into the burning hunger in his chest, yet all he can think of is Jeremy's lips on his, his hands in his shirt and his taste in his mouth. The last idea of stopping leaves his mind entirely when Jeremys tongue touches his bottom lip, Jean has him in the counter in seconds, a startling yelp and muffled giggles break the kiss for only a moment, with Jean now inbetween his legs with his hands on his hips, he feels like he could be lost in this forever. That is until Jeremy puts both hands on his chest, slightly pushing him away. His confusion is only answered by Jeremy looking down at Jeans hands, his smile fading into a concerned look, its only then that he realizes he's trembling.

"We can stop." Jeremys voice is still kept a whisper, quieter now that they are so close. The anger in Jeans stomach is almost enough to over take the want, almost. Jeremy must have seen it because he pulls his hands away, opening his mouth, but before he can apologize Jean cuts him off.

"Its not you. I'm not mad at you. I want..this." he hesitates, the hoensty not forthcoming. "but I don't know how to have it." Jeans words are inconsistent and unsure. Jeremy waits, patiently staring at him, almost at his height now that he's on the counter. Jean fights to find the words, tensing and untensing his jaw. When he is slient for several mintues, only then does Jeremy speak.

"If this is too much, that's okay. We will never do anything you don't want to." Jeremy slowly leans forward, pressing their foreheads together.

"This isn't enough." Jean's voice is strained as he pushes against Jeremy, letting a little of his frustrations out via the affection. He doesn't miss the way Jeremys face flushes red, but he also takes note of how he tries to ignore it, to keep Jeans attention here. "But I can't. Not when-" his voice fails at the thought of calloused hands gripping his hair. He can still feel Jeremys kiss on his lips, but its a harsher one that he remembers, more forceful and unrepentant. His scalp tearing, fingernails digging into his wrists, and yelling and teeth- Jean squeezes his eyes closed, gripping tighter at Jeremys waist. He doesn't want to think of any of that when Jeremy is in his arms, when his kiss tasts like coffee and chocolate, the smell of a fresh shower and clean sheets. He is not them.

"It is okay to need time, Jean. I'm not going anywhere. And if you want to do those things, okay. But I won't do them if you're not okay." Jeremys hands are soft on his cheeks, a ghost of a touch as he craddles his face. "I don't want to hurt you." If Jean were any further, he wouldn't have heard him, the words barely a breath in his face. Those words, he's saying them to himself. Jean can feel the fire in his chest churning and it feels like hes burning alive with hunger, but for once, he isn't afraid. Jean pulls his head away, only for a moment as he lowers to Jeremys shoulder, trailing his hands up his waist to his torso in a gentle squeeze. Jeremy doesn't hesitate to hug him back, fingers curling into his hair and ankles tucking around his knees. Jean jumps a bit when Jeremy buries his face into Jeans neck, but he settles in quickly, all of the tension leaving his body as Jeremy tuns soft fingers along his shoulder blades.

Hugs. Jean thinks. A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads. Friends. Fireworks. Fathers. Hugs.

Been working on my OC's some more, finally got around to attempting to do Annaliese 😅 I fear she is too pretty for my level of talent

Mostly just bored sketches that I did while not paying attention

I am rereading aftg and I got to Neil asking Andrew to get out of their deal and its got me thinking that that scene might be the most desperate we ever see Andrew (outside of the obvious lol)

"Im asking you to break it" Andrew heartrate spikes.

I can imagine whats going on in Andrews head.

.

.

This cant be happening. "No." Not like this.

"You said you'd stick with me if I kept Kevin south, but Kevin doesnt need me anymore-" Fuck Kevin, hes not the one I asked to stay "...theres nothing else I can give you in exchange for your protection." Im not a reason for you to stay, I never was , not really. I knew that.

"I dont want you to." He doesn't want me. "I need you to let me go" I'm losing him, hes going to run.

"I'll think of something." Dont leave, I can still protect you, it was never about Kevin, its you, you fucking idiot. Stay, stay, stay.

"Give me one good reason" I cant let you go yet, Ive only just gotten you.

"If I'm hiding behind you I'm still running" I'm begging you, stay.

"I want to stand on my own two feet. Let me do that. None of this means anything if I dont" stand next to me, dont run, dont disapear.

Neil sits back and relaxes into the beanbag, closing his eyes, letting Andrew think it over.

How can you do this? How can you be everything I need, everything I want and ask me to let you go? How can you respect every boundry, even my silence and say you have to walk away? You are all you need to give me, just stay.

.

.

.

You cant comvince me Andrews "ill think of something" isn't his way of telling Neil 'i need you with me' because Andrew doesnt believe people are willing to stay without a deal or protection or some kind of benefit. He doesnt have friends, not really. Nicky is family, looking out for them, the deal with Aaron, Kevin's deal, even Renee gets stuff out of their relationship, though its less of a deal and more of just mutal benefit. He doesn't expect Neil to stay if he isnt protecting him, and hes scared of losing him, of the kisses stopping, of their game ending. At least that how I see this scene now that ive read it and i know more about them. This is Andrew clinging to Neil and he doesnt even know it. Because in Neils eyes, hes keeping him safe by ending the deal, Andrew wont get hurt trying to save him, but for Andrew, hes losing the one person who he wants to choose him and he didnt know if Neil would make that choice if there was other options.

Peacefully listening to this while thinking of Laila whispering this song to Jeremy

Spoilers under the cut

I imagine he goes through moments of wanting to relapse and going to her and just letting her hold him as he tries to calm himself. Very much seeking peace in each other when the world is too heavy. All of her anger and protectiveness comes from her being worried about him and I can see her letting all of that fall away when he needs her. 🥲 I need more sibling moments from them.

"Honey dont worry nobodys angry at any of this"

"Its like when you're tired, you"re someone else"

"Its easy to break beneath the weight of the earth"

"Cause darling I get scared for you and I'm not busy anyway"

"All of your falling, has it got exhausting have you gotten sleep"

There are so many lyrics that just resonate with them, my poor babies

Not really spoilers but be warned TGR :

If JereJean ever does have a sex scene, I really want it to be wholesome. I don't want a slow burn that crash lands with hungry hands and desperation (I know its called them hungry several times when it comes to them being horny lol but bare with me) I want them to walk into it slowly and both agree, hopefully even having their own 'yes or no' moment. I want them to be fumbling around in the dark like teenagers trying for the first time, clumsy and full of laughter. I want for Jeremy to realize its not about the sex itself but about who you are with and for Jean to understand it is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. The soft whispers of apologies through hushed laughter as they accidentally bump into each other or struggle with clothing. Gentle words of "is this okay" "can I touch you here" "right here is perfect" barely able to see and having to use hands to understand where they are. Ugh! I need them to be happy when they finally share themselves with each other.

If anyone has read "We Contain Multitudes" by Sarah Henstra, thats where my desperation of wholesome sex scenes stems from, they're whole 'researchers discovering the human body' is always going to hold a place in my heart.

TGR SPOLIERS

Hear me out, Kevin knows Jean loves(loved) him. And I'm kinda convinced he might have loved him back but Kevin "its easier to keep him heterosexual" Day, Kevin "they were supposed to be a warning" Day. He knew what would happen to them if they went down that road, yet he learned how to speak french for him, he bought him magnets and postcards and made him promise to survive for both of their sakes. Kevin who fought for Jean in the only ways he knew he could, who kept in touch with him even after he made it out and knew how badly that would hurt Jean, but he couldn't Let. Him. Go. Kevin knows Jean has always like Jeremy, hes aware that Jean likes men, he has to have seen how Jean looks at him, if Riko and Andrew and Jeremy all knew from moments of being with them, Kevin couldn't have ignored it, not truly. I think Kevin did love him, but was so conditioned to never betray Riko, its still ingrained in him despite everything, that he suppressed it as far as he could to protect them both. Maybe thats part of the reason he gave him to Jeremy, he trusts him, he knows hes been through a lot and is healing from it, but he also knows that Jean already liked him and would eventually cave, at least letting him be his friend, healing the things Kevin is still too scared to confront.

TGR spoilers !!!

I need more people to talk about this. Cody immediately clocking Jean for liking Jeremy is over looked and its killing me

They didnt even have to ask and Jean immediately shutting down the unknown question had them smiling. They know, they have to know. AHH I hope Cody and Jean get closer, they are a good influence on him. 🥲

So Jeremy cannonically has had hookups, as in pural, which means hes probably pretty damn efficient at getting his clothes off. I can picture them all going into the locker room for change outs and Jeremy being in an in depth discussion with someone, completely unware of anything else around him, tugs the collar of his shirt forward then reachs back to his sholuder blades, pulling it off in one swift motion then unclasping his belt with three of the most well practiced flicks, not even looking, pantsbutton undone and just drops the waist of his pants as he reaches into his locker while still having said discussion like its nothing at all. 2.8 seconds and hes half naked and Jeans just in the background like 😳

12 hours and 16 minutes later, I am about 45 seconds into this animation 😅

Anyway heres another panel

I feel like my style and how I have been drawing them is so inconsistent and all over the place, but I'm still at it 🤷‍♀️

RIP this pannel of Jeremy

I had JUST finished coloring it then my computer crashed and that entire frame is gone, the only proof of its existence is this very incomplete picture I sent me sister 😭😭😭

So I may or may not have gone straight home from work and spent the last three hours teaching myself to animate...

Anyway heres a sneak peak :D

Who knows, maybe I'll actually finish it 🤷‍♀️

Jean, Jeremy, Kevin and Neil all meet up somewhere for something (not the point)

Kevin and Jean are both wearing black T-shirts with dark jeans and regular shoes.

Neil and Jeremy are both wearing a baggy T-shirt with jorts. The only difference being that Jeremy looks like he could be on the cover of a beach magazine while Neil looks like he dug his clothes out of the bottom of a goodwill dumpster.

Jeremy is immediately in golden retriever mode like 'maybe we can be friends'

Neil is pissed.

I have no idea how to animate yet here I am with an entire script in my brain for a JereJean animation. I want so badly to try but idk if I can do it or ever finish. The slowburn is in my brain and I need it on paper 😭😭😭

I imagine this is what goes on in his head the whole time he has an empty stare 😭

i hate you

you were supposed to be a side effect of the drugs because obviously someone could never look at me like you do. nobody could SEE ME the way you do. nobody else would dare to step into a viper pit on the off chance that it might protect me because nobody else has ever considered that i’m a real person. and that means you cannot be real. because there isn’t a single person who would try to protect me. i’m the only person who can save myself and i haven’t wanted to save myself in a very long time. i cannot be saved. but then i saw you standing there with auburn hair and blue eyes… jesus christ you cannot be real. because you are a terrified runaway and now you’re telling me that instead of running away like i told you to, instead of letting me take the fall like i expected to, you somehow ran directly into danger for ME? unreal unreal unreal you are a hallucination and a pipe dream because you’re saying things nobody has ever said to me and there is a catch in your voice that i’ve never heard before and it’s all because you were worried about me and it makes me sick because nobody should ever make you feel that way, least of all me. i see every piece of myself and my pain directed back at me, reflected in the ocean of your eyes and it makes me want to burn down the world, it makes me want to destroy myself, and yet you keep telling me that i deserve to live. you see me and you won’t let me tear myself apart but you don’t see that in offering yourself up to be slaughtered you are ripping me to shreds. you cannot be real. you cannot exist. and yet here you are, standing in front of me, bruised and bandaged and more alive than you’ve ever been. and i’m so terrified to want any piece of that because it’s impossible. you’re impossible. you don’t listen. you won’t back down when i tell you i’m not worth it. you’re a dream. you’re all the hopes i threw away when i was a child. you’re not my savior. i wish you would save me. i wish you could. i’m terrified that if i look at you too long, you will.

i hate you.

This is exactly what I meant when I said crash out

Let him be violent!! Yes, all of the ideas of doing pottery and biking are amazing, but those are sources of happiness, he still needs a rage outlet. I love the idea of him finding happiness in mundane things and I truly hope we get some of that, but I don't think he is going to be able to heal until he actually feels and processes his anger, because he truly is a raging inferno of hatred, let him burn things so something new can grow in the ashes.

"Jean considered biting the fingers that slipped pills between his lips" tsc p11

"Jean felt the tendrils of an old and ugly rage stir, and he knotted a bruised hand in the sheets like he could somehow hold it at bay through sheer force alone." p22-23

"'If you tell me to follow his lead, I will cut your throat open with my teeth', Jean said." p26

"The urge to tear Nathaniel's face open was so fierce he could barely breathe." p28

"It was the only way this worked: if Jean signed something that said he had to behave to be allowed to stay on the lineup, he could bite his tongue and stay his fists. It'd piss him off beyond the telling, but he could follow orders if it meant surviving another day. Without that black-and-white command his nature would get the better of him sooner or later, and then there'd be no saving him." p65-66

"Finding out he was little more than Riko's dog outside of practices had him lashing out with all the youthful rage he could muster." p79

"He was furious at Abby for implying he'd never tried to fight [...] 'Fuck you,' Jean said quietly, then louder: 'Fuck you.'" p79

"Jean couldn't explain that restless rage" p90

"'Yes,' he said, and if he didn't sound sure, he at least sounded angry. 'Let them all burn. I hope none of them survive.'" p142

"He wanted to throw Jeremy into a wall just to prove he could" p242

"Jean was a starving dog on a short chain who'd learned years ago not to bite back." p252