TW FOR EXTREMELY HEAVY VENTING I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. PERSONAL VENT AND INTRUSIVE THOUGHT DIARY
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Latest Posts by dysfunctjon - Page 5
Despite it all, I still find you beautiful.
I have acceptance and love for you. I don’t want you in my life again, but I cannot erase the memories we shared. There were plenty of pleasant ones, and plenty of terrible ones. I appreciate both, because I was taught a lesson to respect myself more.
I don’t know why I fell so hard for you, but im not complaining. Despite everything, the pain you put me through, every single awful thing I’ve experienced, I still hold you dear in my heart.
I’m not trying to be delusional and wish for you back, or want you to come back and we can be together again. I am not saying I miss your romantically or sexually or anything else. I am saying that our time together was special to me, and I don’t think that’ll be something that ever goes away, and that’s okay. I am lucky to have been the one to go through all of that instead of someone else who couldn’t have handled it.
I’m glad that I have helped you. I am glad that we had time together. I’m sorry it ended the way it did, but im glad it’s over. Thank you, and im sorry
I feel sick and dizzy and just angry and apathetic tbh
My head hurts
You’ll never really understand how mych you meant to me
I’m sos Kerry things ended the way they were. I know I don’t need you in my lfie Andy more because you aren’t right for me and I’m not right for you. That’s okay. But that doesn’t mean I dont love you. Maybe not romantically but I still have respect for you. I fucking miss you so much sometimes. I wish you erent a terrible personI . I love you so fucking much not like actual love but oh my god I wish you weren’t the way you were. You were such a staple in my life. Maybe not a good one but I fucking miss you sometimes. You were one of my best friends.
I am listening to a song that reminds me of you while under the influence. It’s Eva by orgy. “What happened to you? You know it makes me wonder” is a line that fucking kills me. All of it does. Please just come back one more time before I lose my mind.
I know you aren’t good for me and I know after im down crying over this INKNOW I will be okay. I just fucking miss the memories and I can’t cope with them properly. I do still miss you sometimes. But I know im feeling it stronger because I am an about to start and also I am drunk and high as shit . 8 8i just miss someone making me feel that way. It was a unique fun experience most of the time . I remember this sign playing while I told you so much how I loved you. Oh my god it makes me sick to my stomach
THISBIS such a good song too. God im so sorry. I’m so sorry for fucking E very thing. I love you so much and sometimes I’d do FUCKJNG a nything to get you back, but not really. I’m just really emotional right now:
You were sk important to me and you are someone I could never forget. I wish I could forgive you but I just have to question why you would do that to me. It’s okay though because I needed to get this cry out. You were such an important person in my FUCKIGN lfie and I took advantage of it and im fucking sorry. I’m so sorry.!8 wish they this never ever happened I’m sorry I even got with you. I really loved you. I can’t be upset with our you now really. This is what I needed. I neeeded to let you go . But I still miss you and still love you so fucking much. Sometimes. Just sometimes.
I’m not backtracking in my progress I’m just reaching a little bitty mishap and that’s okay. I just t miss you so fucking much sometimes . I just hope one day I’ll get the clairty that I fucking desvere. And if I don’t that’s completely okay. I just want to get over this. This is just a little thing cuz im emotional and drunk and high as shit. And this song turned on. I don’t even know why I’m crying over you. You don’t deserve my tears. Things are okay without you but sometimes i do think about you . And I just hope the best for you because I just can’t hate you anymore I need to move on z . It’s okay. We will both be okay. It’s al gona be okay. It really is. I I will be okay
the thing that gets me the most about ableism against pd’s is that ppl will be like “these disorders make you an ASSHOLE!!!!” and then turn around and pretend that other disorders can’t and don’t make you act shitty.
depression and anxiety can make you irritable and snappy. they can cause you to refuse to listen to people and to be distant and withdrawn. they can cause you to seem angry, bitchy, rude, uncaring, etc.
ptsd causes an array of difficulties in forming meaningful relationships. it pretty much shakes up your entire worldview and sense of self a lot of the time. ptsd can cause you to get angry often. it can cause you to yell and scream. it can cause you to withdraw from others, run away, or cut them out. it can cause general changes in demeanor and more cynical worldviews. it can make you seem grouchy, negative, explosive, impolite, difficult, needy, controlling, etc.
and yet when people with personality disorders have symptoms of that nature, suddenly we are irredeemable monsters. when it’s npd, bpd, hpd, or aspd instead of ptsd or depression and anxiety, people suddenly and magically lose the ability to be understanding.
mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. i firmly believe that. hurting others is never justified simply because you have any disorder.
but if you can be patient with people who have depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, or any other more well understood mental illness, you can be patient with us.
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I relapsed and it didn’t fucking do anything of course I’m so tired I want to drill the blade into my disgusting body and just die and bleed out I fucking hate myself and my life I want to die
I’m an embarrassment to fucking everyone
I hate talking about it. I hate hearing people talk to me. I hate being known. I hate being “out there”. I hate everyone who says they prioritize me then they lie to me. I just wish that I was stable. I wish things were right. I’m so fucking unhappy and I thought I was doing better but I’m just not.
I feel so weird talking to anyone right now. I don’t like it and I don’t want to talk to anybody I want to be left alone forever. I just wish I was dead. It feels like the good times truly could never make up for the misery the rest of my life has to give me. I fucking hate everything. I hate thinking about what comes after. I hate thinking about the death process. I hate it all. I just want it over. I want to escape and just never be known and be alone forever.
I don’t want anyone to have anything to do with me. I feel so depressed and I try not to let these emotions get to me but Jesus Christ it’s so hard not to. My friends all discard me and I get talked over and it’s so tiring.
I just wish I was loved. I wish that I knew I was loved and cared about and praised and adored and whatever the fuck. I wish I didn’t need anyone else’s approval. I’m so fucking over it.
Why can’t you just fucking suffer for once in your stupid fucking life why do I have to suffer what you’ve done to me why can’t you understand how fucked up you are
It fucking hurts so bad why do I have to suffer with this shit you did to me why the fuck do I always have to be affected by the fucking shit you do what did I do to deserve this bullshit I fucking can’t stand it what the fuck did I do what the fuck did I do
Why the fuck is it that you can move on and not care anymore and why is it not me why the fuck do I still have to suffer with caring about you why do I still care why are you just okay with being evil I try so fucking hard to forget about you and pray on your downfall I just want to move on why can you move on but I can’t this shit is just so unfair
I wish it didn’t fucking hurt as much as it did. I wish it didn’t take everything in me to not text you and beg for you back. I can’t do it.
I just have to accept you’re gone and that you never really loved me. Why does it still hurt? Why am I still affected like it happened yesterday? I shouldn’t be judging myself for this because it is completely human, such as I, and I experience emotions like everyone else albeit very very intensely. I just feel so alone and I don’t know why.
I have everything I want it feels like. I’m learning how to make music on computer. I have friends. I have a wonderful relationship. I have support. I get constant money and am so lucky financially. I get out more. I have all the clothes I want. I have parents who care. What the fuck is wrong with me and why am I like this? Why do I feel alone right now? Why do I feel the worst I’ve ever fucking felt?
BPD is just so excruciating to deal with. I’m so tired. I’m tired of letting this illness control me, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m just so comfortable in this misery. I hate it but I truly can’t ever escape it so why even try? I’m so sad. I hate having this. I just hate it
I dont know what specifically happened, but I don’t think I really need this account anymore. I mean I’ll still use it, what I meant is that I don’t think I feel as empty as I did when I first started.
I got a job and I love it. I finally got my permit after about 3 tries. I an getting out way more. I am dating the ACTUAL love of my life and am getting closer and closer with him. I’m getting closer to my irl friends. I’m doing … mostly ok in school, but I’m not worried about it. It’s my last year in school. I’m in therapy and I get along with my therapist. I feel more confident about myself and my body. I have proper medication that really works. I have a new special interest. I’ve been extremely creative, both art + music + edit & even writing wise. I’ve been finding some new music that has been inspirational to me. I’m sort of re-developing my clothing style. I have a wicked ass tattoo. Ive been smoking weed and having fun with that. Whenever I think of her I dismiss it and move on. I have amazing friends both online and irl and am developing decently normal relationships. I’m laughing so much more. I’m becoming more independent. I’ve redeveloped a love for energy drinks, specifically Monster. People have been more kinder to me. I am a trendsetter at my school and everyone talks about me. Im about to get a big paycheck. When I get my proper driver’s license, I’m going to be able to drive around. Im getting my issues solved. Next year I will HOPEFULLY be able to get a house with my partner and we can live on our own.
There’s so much more, but I can’t list them all. Im pretty forgetful. I just think I am healing. There are times where I feel like im not, and where I relapse back into old habits but I believe I’ve been getting better at that. I think that in general I am getting better. I am more grateful for the little things in life. I have no need to look back on the past, get upset about the past, etc. What’s done is done and there’s nothing I can change besides how my future will end up. I have people who love and support me forever and I am glad I do. Whether it’s 2 people or 20, I am happy I am in their presence. I think I am getting okay. It’s only up from here everyone
Tomorrow would’ve marked our 9 month anniversary, and two months since we have been separated from each other.
I cant lie when I say I miss you. I long for you sometimes. I wish that I could relive every single moment we spent with each other so I didn’t take it for granted. You felt like you were my person. I cant say that I’m not absolutely crushed that you aren’t here anymore.
I continuously think that I’m getting better, but I just remember how much I enjoyed our time together and get wrecked again. I dont Even know if you miss me, and I don’t think it matters. I just fucking miss you. I miss that i was able to call you mine. Now I call you an abuser because that is what you are.
I am in a much better place with much better people. Yet I still feel so alone without you sometimes. I wish I could see your face again. I wish I could hear your voice again. I wish we could laugh on call for hours again. I just want it all Back. I miss you so fucking much. I really do.
It just hurts, and I think it hurts more that you don’t really miss me—assuming, at least. I know you, I really do. I know you’d never post how you felt, and how you’d always just dump it onto me because I was always there for you. I know that you miss me, or maybe it’s just my delusion telling me so. I dont know what I want, or who I want, or what I want to do. I dont know anything and just feel lost.
I miss you so much. Theres still a Little Bit of Love for you In my heart. I try everyday to resist looking at your account, texting you and begging you back, etc. I just miss you so fucking much. I do. I cant lie and say I don’t. I don’t miss you ALL the time like I used to. But I am still hurting. The wound is still fresh I suppose, but it doesn’t even feel like two months.
I just wish I could wake up and it was a dream. I wish I could wake up and do things right. I wish that you were right in the head. I wish you weren’t the way you are because then maybe things would’ve worked out. I miss you so fucking much. I really do.
I can’t be too involved in the past, or I’ll miss everything going on around me in the present. But I just miss you. I wish you were in my present. I love you.
I’m so sad and I miss you so much. You probably don’t miss me. I dont Even think you think twice about me. It kills me. Please come back.
I’m too flirty while I’m manic I don’t know what’s going on with me
I miss you so much im sorry that j was the way I was I’d change for you I promise I would please just let me back into your life I love you I miss you I’m sorry
I still love you so much I’m sorry please come back I’m about to snap and beg you to come back I love you so much I’m sorry please forgive me I’m so sorry I miss you so fucking much I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I Hope one day we can reunite even if you did hurt me. I miss you.
I’m proud of me because I’ve survived the days I thought I couldn’t
I dont Even know what to say I’m just speechless. I shouldn’t of asked him how you were doing and I shouldn’t have checked your twitter again. It didn’t trigger me THAT bad but I just can’t keep doing this over and over. I just wish you would hurt. I just wish you would feel my pain. I wish you would obsess over how bad you’re hurting like I do. I’m sorry
I don’t feel as hurt as I would’ve back then. I’m still just upset thinking about you too hard though. I hate this shit so much. I just want you to hurt. I dont Even Need you to miss me, I just want you to hurt and realize what you did was wrong. I can’t even understand how you couldn’t see what you did to me was wrong
I just wish that you hurt like I did. I dont know why you don’t
I dont want anybody to see me I don’t want to be around people I don’t want any of that I just want to be alone with no mirrors no nothing and just be by myself forever
I want to hide away from everyone forever. I dont want anybody to see me or to look at me anymore