I Shouldn’t Be “at The Club” I Should Be High At The Laundromat

i am going to get the cops called on me one day with the amount i climb in and out of my own window instead of using the front door

sometimes you gotta do shit that would absolutely get you killed first in a horror film, like post on your phone thats on low battery while listening to Psycho Killer by the talking heads and walking down a street that has had multiple murders commited upon it at night

alt-right people love talking about being red-pilled as if the matrix wasn't every 4rd grader's bisexual awakening. like okay sure, if you're sooooo red-pilled why dont you want to make out with neo & trinity at the same time, like a real awakened red-pilled truth knower?

these screenshots taken from video fanfictions on youtube from 2009 will never not be funny to me

every day i resist the urge to chime into stranger’s conversations but man is it hard sometimes

tried to pop my ankle and it make the sound of a stone-fruit being torn in twain. peculiar times

forgot to eat bc i was too busy contacting nasa to get them to fix a mistake i noticed on their website

the m in “medjool date” stands for mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

also fun fact apparently medjool dates are fresh fruit not dried which i did not know previous to googling them but probably should’ve based on the fact they’re always in the produce not dried fruits

very stereotypical white guy thing to say but i genuinely think i would be significantly happier if i could eat large quantities of mayonnaise without getting sick

'Therd only 2 sexes..? "

Yeah... 5he one i did wirh your dad.... And the orher one with your dad

Oh im sorry fuck i didnt know your das died shit i take it back i take it back oh god i amso sorry jeses fucking christ i had no idea god damn it oh