Was That You? I Hope It Was.

i wake up. i take my pills. i listen to your playlist in the car. i drive to work. i blink and hours have past. i go home. i kiss him and cook with him and sleep with him and i pretend. i pretend i’m not as lonely as i am.

pov ur dating ur best friend and they mean the fucking world to u and u don’t know how to tell them so u just repeatedly say “i love u” and hope they get the message

all i do is yap i’m a professional

i’m sorry i didn’t write to you yesterday. i’ve been busy with recording. i get a new microphone tomorrow.

i want to record more of my older songs but i’m scared to because so many of them are so emotional and clouded. i write music to release that negativity inside of me and i can be vulnerable with myself for a bit. my views have changed now but i still feel like those songs are a part of me.

i’m eating dinner now. i had a rough day at work. it was really busy. i’m watching old among us videos.

i don’t have much to say. not much in my life is changing right now. i’m glad.

i miss you. i don’t ever want to talk to you again but i wish i had the chance to say goodbye.

thinking about baked bean

do mi ti

why not me

bro i love you so fucking much i can’t even put it into words how much it is i have to create a whole new language just for that shit wtf

good morning. i hope you slept well.

these meds made me have funny dreams. just between us, i haven’t had a good nights sleep since i saw you. i can still remember a dream i had years ago when you left. you were with them. you told me to let you go.

i’m off work today. i lied to my friend about it. i need some alone time. she reminds me so much of you.

i was supposed to move in with her. i was going to go to college. the thought of it was just so scary. moving across the atlantic was a dream i had so many years ago. everything is different now.

i had to surrender my cats when i lost my apartment. i miss them so much. i think that was the last bit of hope i was holding onto. they’re in good homes now. i wish i could visit them.

i wish i could visit you. i wonder what we’d talk about if we were given the chance. would you talk to me? would you yell? would you update me on your life and ask about mine? would we sit in silence?

i remember you said you wished you’d never met me at all. i wonder how true that is. anytime you’d hurt me with your words it was always true. you said i was just like my mother. i was afraid to look in the mirror for months.

i called her you know? in july. i was so high on coke i called her and apologized for ever viewing her as a monster because i was just the same. i hate hypocrites.

i can feel a migraine starting. it’s 8am. i’m back in the same town i swore i’d never come back to. everything looks different.

i hope you have a beautiful day. watch for me in the moon tonight. i was serious about us too.

my debut comes out april 24th. it’s not necessarily about you, but some parts may feel like it. i’m excited. you’d probably enjoy it.

i’ve never needed someone more than i need u rn. i miss you. i don’t miss us, but i miss you. i want to apologize. i want you to not hate me. i know that’s wrong of me, but i can’t help it. you were my favorite person. i still write you letters on the unsent project. i wonder if you ever think of me in a positive light. i have been thinking of you constantly. all i want is to make things right but i know i can’t. the damage is done. and i’m so sorry there’s nothing i can do to fix it. i wonder if you’ll ever stumble across my account on here. i have so many things for u to read. i don’t know if that would hurt you more. i’m so sorry. i’m sorry i’ve hurt you and everyone you love. i dragged them all in. i want to believe i’ve changed. maybe if you saw me now you would tell me. you’re the only one that knows the real me. i’ve done so much to fix it. all because of you. thank you. i didn’t deserve to have that chance. but i know you didn’t do it for me. i’m medicated. i’m not going to stop. i spend all of my time at work or working on music. i wish you could see me now. everyone around me feels dull. you were the light of my life and i didn’t appreciate that. i’m so sorry. i wish i could fix it.