I Haven’t Been This Suicidal In A Hot Minute. I Don’t Even Know How To Talk About It. I Don’t Know
i haven’t been this suicidal in a hot minute. i don’t even know how to talk about it. i don’t know how to help myself. im so tired. even if i do talk no one really understands it. maybe if someone could just look into my head and see everything so i dont fuck it up and say the wrong thing. i don’t know what to do or look forward to anymore. i don’t know why it’s so bad. im so used to fighting that i can’t help but do it even when there’s nothing to fight. but im tired of fighting even when i have to. i feel sick and hollow and broken and i dont think anything will change that. not now and not later. part of me wants to just lie in bed and stay there until i rot away. i want it all to be over. i can’t stop thinking and overthinking and making myself sicker. i don’t really know how much longer i have no matter what i do. at least if i choose that ill have some control left. i just want to rest
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me: gets pulled over
officer: license and registration?
me: hands it to them
officer: here’s ur ticket
me: but officer, isn’t there anything i can do to make u forget about this?
officer: pulls out handcuffs
me: oh okay
officer: ur under arrest for bribing a law enforcement officer
expressing our feelings? nah i’m just gonna eat them instead and then puke everywhere bc i shouldn’t be eating and then do it again
me staring at the “please don’t take anything” text knowing i already took something
all i do is yap i’m a professional
i heard about your mom. i know she wasn’t good at being your mother but it’s okay to grieve over the loss all the same. it’s also okay to not feel anything at all. people cope in different ways.
i’m still working on my music. it’s been three days now. i have three instrumentals done and i have the album list hammered out. there’s really only one song on there about you. maybe two if you squint hard enough. i’m glad none of them are negative towards you.
i attempted to drink last night and am pleased to say alcohol still repulses me. it did give me some new ideas to map out though.
i wonder what you’re up to?
one time i threw up on someone’s penis and i think about it a lot
*smothers u in marinara sauce and licks it up*
it’s easter. i don’t remember what that was like with you. i think i’ve forgotten a lot of it now.
i’m cooking dinner for my brother and his fiancé. you wouldn’t have liked what i made. i don’t think i will like it very much either. my tastes have changed over the years. everything is bland and nothing will fill the hole inside of me.
we used to talk about doing this domestic shit together. id clean the house or make dinner that you’d pretend to like for me. i wish you hadn’t done that. i wonder if their tastes are more similar to yours? knowing what i know, that’s probably true. i doubt you have arguments over something as simple as food. i wish i didn’t pick arguments over such insignificant things.
i think i like someone again. he is nothing like you. he’s 23, good relationship with his mom, cowboy, six foot something. i know it’s a dumb word, but having crushes now is different. everytime i find myself attracted to someone i compare every little thing they do to you. with him, i don’t find much. he has your kindness and playful personality, but that’s about it. i think that’s why i like him so much.
work was hard today. i’m trying to quit smoking. i’ve given up all substances other than what i’m rightfully prescribed. i wonder if you’d be proud of that? i wonder if you’d feel anything at all.
i want to feel something but i am feeling nothing at all. my head feels too quiet and my brain feels too empty. i wonder if i am as broken as the glass that litters the streets.
