How To Feel Like Im Enough

this feeling is fucking eating me alive. i miss you. i feel awful about it. i love cole more than anything but idk what to do abt you. you’re just so. idk. you asked me why i liked you and if that would change if you were someone else. the answer is no. i wish there were a way i could have you both but even that seems off. i keep bringing you up or tweeting or making jokes and i can tell it’s getting to him. i don’t want that. idk why i’m like this. i’m a mess.

thinking about baked bean

oh to be one you love again. i miss you always. it takes everything in me to not scream how deep my love runs everytime i see you. you’re so beautiful.

i hate you for making me feel again

u ever just get that lil squeezy ouch in your chest that just fuckin Hurts

one time i threw up on someone’s penis and i think about it a lot

do mi ti

why not me

good morning. i hope you slept well.

these meds made me have funny dreams. just between us, i haven’t had a good nights sleep since i saw you. i can still remember a dream i had years ago when you left. you were with them. you told me to let you go.

i’m off work today. i lied to my friend about it. i need some alone time. she reminds me so much of you.

i was supposed to move in with her. i was going to go to college. the thought of it was just so scary. moving across the atlantic was a dream i had so many years ago. everything is different now.

i had to surrender my cats when i lost my apartment. i miss them so much. i think that was the last bit of hope i was holding onto. they’re in good homes now. i wish i could visit them.

i wish i could visit you. i wonder what we’d talk about if we were given the chance. would you talk to me? would you yell? would you update me on your life and ask about mine? would we sit in silence?

i remember you said you wished you’d never met me at all. i wonder how true that is. anytime you’d hurt me with your words it was always true. you said i was just like my mother. i was afraid to look in the mirror for months.

i called her you know? in july. i was so high on coke i called her and apologized for ever viewing her as a monster because i was just the same. i hate hypocrites.

i can feel a migraine starting. it’s 8am. i’m back in the same town i swore i’d never come back to. everything looks different.

i hope you have a beautiful day. watch for me in the moon tonight. i was serious about us too.

i can’t message u. i know i can’t. but i want to apologize. so here goes nothing bc u will never see this but i will never get the chance to take accountability with u unless i do this.

i know a simple “i’m sorry” won’t cut it. i’ve done too much damage for that. my mind is kinda scrambled rn cause i’ve had a Rough week but i’m just going to go through a list of the things i need to apologize for and things that i am genuinely sorry that i did. to start, i’m sorry for always talking down to u. whether it was serious or not, i always had a knack for making myself feel superior. i did it so often. we’d get into a disagreement and i always felt the need to put you down. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for isolating you from your friends and family. i never should’ve felt the need to fight for your love. that’s not how that works. it was incredibly abusive and i’m sure i don’t even know half of the damage it caused you and your loved ones. your mom, sisters, friends, i felt threatened by all of them and for some reason decided to pull you closer towards me to prove i was better than them. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for harassing zelda for months. you were always the one to put out the fires between us (the ones i caused), and that wasn’t fair to either of you. i’m sorry for commenting on them and their life and their body and worse, lying to cover it up and act like you and them were crazy. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for harassing you for months. i’m sorry i played you out to be some sort of evil villain when all you wanted was love. i’m sorry for threatening you. i’m sorry for repeatedly lying to you over things when it would’ve been so much easier to just tell the truth. i’m sorry for joking about trauma that was not mine to joke about. i’m sorry for commenting on your life or body or whatever i felt the need to to put myself above you. i’m so sorry.

i’m sorry for still feeling like i need to talk to you. i’m sorry for messaging you at all. i need to let you go so you can finally be free of me. i’m sorry for being so incredibly selfish that i feel the need to cope in ways that hurt you. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for lying to you just so i could have your attention. i’m sorry i didn’t choose healthier ways to express my needs. i’m sorry for destroying your trust. i’m sorry for doing everything i said i wouldn’t. i’m so so sorry.

i’m sorry for begging for your forgiveness just to kick you down again. i’m sorry i used mental illness as an excuse to treat you like that. i’m sorry i never listened other than when i was an inch away from losing you.

i’m sorry for taking you from the happiest time of your life to an inch from death. i’m sorry i never took you seriously. i’m sorry i took you for granted. i’m sorry i only showed i wanted you when you weren’t mine to want anymore. i’m sorry i never believed in you. i’m sorry for all the trauma i’ve caused. i’m sorry.

if there’s anything i can do, please. please tell me. if not, know that this is all from the heart i once had. i love how beautiful your soul is, even after everything.

bro i love you so fucking much i can’t even put it into words how much it is i have to create a whole new language just for that shit wtf