I Have Been So Productive Today Omg I Wrote An Entire Essay And Already Got 10k+ Steps And Have Stayed

So I just got back from my friends 3 day birthday trip which ended up turning into a 3 day long binge episode.

3 days of eating 3,000/5,000+ calories a day, food noise making it impossible to do anything or feel any sense of enjoyment, comparing myself and how much I ate to my skinny friend which made me so fucking depressed because she barely ate anything, shamefully gorging myself on food in the bathrooms, being in excruciating pain and discomfort from being so bloated, and having no way of relieving myself of it due to not bringing laxatives and being unable to purge.

This feels like a nightmare, and now I’m home it’s gotten worse, I can’t stop and I’m hanging out with my other friends tomorrow where we have a whole Easter dinner planned. We are probably going to go swimming but I’m so fat anf bloated the thought of taking my clothes off or revealing even an inch of myself makes me want to die. I don’t know what to do, I just want to die. I hate myself so much, I’ve never felt so ashamed, disappointed and insecure in my life.

That being said I just took 8 laxatives and am probably gonna take another 10 or 12 in a couple hours, walking feels useless and honestly painful but once the laxatives start working I might try and exercise for a couple hours.

I miss having energy I miss having a life but Im worried that even if I recover life will still feel meaningless and I’ll just end up fat doing absolutely nothing. Like my only goal in life right now is to lose weight, it feels like I will have nothing if I stop restricting.

Fasted, got nearly 25k steps and completed a workout for the first time in a year and I feel fantastic.

May is going to be my month !! 🫶🫶

Okay I changed my mind it’s too stressful I’m sticking with my current meal plan

Going to the movies with my friend tonight so I’m just gonna have a monster until then, and OMAD a little bit of popcorn/snacks we get there and hope and pray I have enough discipline not to go overboard with it :)

Binged really bad yesterday, was only able to purge like under a quarter of it up before my throat began to burn too much so I took a little more than 15 laxatives I think. I feel and look so disgusting, the binge wasn’t even enjoyable. I want to water fast for the next 3 days to clear my system, but theres this voice inside my head that keeps trying to get me to binge again “it’s only 1 more day” “you still have food left in the freezer you can binge on, you don’t want to waste it after spending so much money on it do you” “you can just purge it out” “if you don’t binge now you not be able to ever again” and bullshit like that. I’m not even hungry, I’m still sickly full despite purging and digesting most of it, but I just want to eat.

Binging will be the death of me, if not by physically causing me to have a heart attack then most definitely by making me kill myself.

I COULD BEEN AT MY GOAL WEIGHT BY NOW IF I JUST DIDNT FUCKING EATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

I’m switching up one of my meals and oh my god I’m shaking I’m so stressed because it’s not pre packaged and I don’t have a food scale at the moment so I’ll have to estimate/use other more unreliable measuring tools and I’ve never had it before so it might be ass but it’s so expensive and I’d feel bad for wasting it AHHHHH

Locking in so hard for May, even if I don’t get to my UGW by June I’m getting to BMI 14.

I’m gonna fast 3 days a week minimum, laxatives everyday especially on non fasting days, stay under 450 cals a day, get at least 25g protein on non fasting days, 20k steps and 20 minutes Pilates a day + 30 minute strength training on non fasting days.

It seems unrealistic and I know I’m gonna lose motivation by the end of the week but I will persevere and stick to this plan, I can’t let another month go by no closer to my goal. This is all I have ever wanted, and I will get it.

BMI 17.4 but I look the same if not fatter than I did at BMI 19 when will this suffering end 😔