Out Of 53kg Jail Barely, Although I’m Happy I’ve Atleast Lost A Little Weight I’ve Been Losing

There is so much I want to eat but changing my OMAD routine feels so scary ☹️

Ive lost all my thoughts

I’m so disappointed in myself, my goal was to get to 50kg by the end of this month and now it’s just to get back to where I was.

I’m praying with every little bit of faith I have left that I lose enough weight from this week long fast to get back to 51kg.

I’m fasting until I reach 48kg or until I can get enough of this fucking fat off me my life has gone to shit rhis is all I have

Nevermind guys I still feel shit as hell about my weight but I just absolutely demolished those 10k steps and am determined to get to 20k I’m locked back in 💪😛

Binging has set me back so much, I’m all the way back up to basically 54kg and my mindset and discipline has crumbled. If I hadn’t binged I would be underweight and would have gotten more than 20k steps by now but alas it’s 4:30pm and I just started walking, and my endurance and motivation has gone to shit so I’ll probably only get 10k steps at best.

I know sulking won’t get me anywhere, and I’m getting back on track but it’s just so hard to deal with.

Crazily enough I’m actually not having fun, I don’t like the stomach pain I don’t like the constantly feeling like you’re going to faint I don’t like not being able to enjoy meals I don’t like to sit with my less than child size portion of shit I don’t even really like while everyone else around me has a full plate of actually nice food I don’t like that I can’t eat normally without becoming stressed and pvrging

I hate this shit and I fucking want out anyone acting like an st4rving is fun and great and they love it is on a crazy amount of cope all day every day it’s all about food constantly trying to find ways to distract myself from it cut down on it I fucking hate it and it’s all for nothing being skinny won’t fix my shitty fucked up life

And to no one’s surprise I did binge to the point of sickness with my friend. At this point I’m not even upset just disappointed, I mean I do this literally every time I reach a new lw and/or hang out with friends.

Im even more worried too bevause my friend is having a 3 day long birthday hang out sleepover thing and if I can’t even control myself in this situation I don’t know how im gonna do in that.

Thankfully I got 20k+ steps today so at least a small bit of it is burned, and I’m gonna take the rest of my laxative stash. Hopefully that gets rid of some of the water weight, I doubt I will weigh myself at all for the next couple days.

I think I’m gonna try liquid/water fast tomorrow and Monday and just hope for the best for the rest of the week.

God now that I am actually thinking about it I’m starting to get more and more upset at myself, I can’t believe I lost all my control just like that. I don’t know how im gonna look at myself in the mirror when I have a shower.

God I want to binge so bad I’m not even hungry but the urges are killing me I forgot how hard the first day restricting after a binge was

Locking in so hard for May, even if I don’t get to my UGW by June I’m getting to BMI 14.

I’m gonna fast 3 days a week minimum, laxatives everyday especially on non fasting days, stay under 450 cals a day, get at least 25g protein on non fasting days, 20k steps and 20 minutes Pilates a day + 30 minute strength training on non fasting days.

It seems unrealistic and I know I’m gonna lose motivation by the end of the week but I will persevere and stick to this plan, I can’t let another month go by no closer to my goal. This is all I have ever wanted, and I will get it.