I Feel This - Blog Posts
That autistic / ADHD feel when you want to do… something.
You too, huh?
IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF GETTING EDGED BY TV SHOW WRITERS LIKE AT LEAST TAKE ME TO DINNER FIRST DAMN.
the most fucked up thing ever is being obsessed w ur own oc. why do i have to make content of them why cant they just magically appear on my screen for me to reblog 200 times. fucked up and also evil
I wish I could accurately draw what I look like under my veil- the true me. I don't have the creative ability to do so and it makes me sad.
on colors and being different and not being enough for yourself
(please reblog instead of liking)
something about foreshadowing being more prominent the second time around reading a story but in a way that the meaning is changed forever and you can never view a story the same as you once did before. do you know what i mean.
Gacha game: -introduces a poc character-
Fans: Finally, my time to be racist is here
I feel so alone sometimes it makes me feel sick. i've been werewolf kin since my youngest days without even knowing of this community. i'm going to be 17 soon and still no pack. i know there are others out there, there has to be, in my area i mean. i didn't mind being alone at first- finding home in the company of the wild animals and the neighborhoods cats of my last home, but now i am no longer with them. i long for a pack, others like me. i am conflicted with the want to hide and express myself at once. I need other werewolf friends. even online, i still struggle to find real communities after my main one was deserted. I live in such an area with vast nature i want to share it with someone who sees it the same way i do. sleep outside with the stars above us. Run into the wilderness after straying the human made paths feeling the thrill of almost being seen as i do alone.
“sometimes i get so caught up on being gay that i forget i’m actually bi”
- james potter
I was eating dinner and this idea came to me. I kinda want to make this into a proper comic on the tablet later, but couldn’t wait. 😅
I miss you more than I knew I would
and I hate it
because I promised myself
that I wouldn’t be that person,
the one who sits around
wondering how you are
and if you’re happy
but I couldn’t stop it and it sucks
because I wish I didn’t care.
I wish I felt nothing
but how can I feel nothing
for the person
who once made me feel everything.
MSI
I finally got it
I finally understand what everybody meant
when they would tell me that one day
I would fall in love
and I would understand what it was like
to be blatantly lost in someone.
I think it comes out of nowhere.
We don’t expect it,
it’s just there, one day
we realize that one person
can change our happiness
whether it be for the better
or for the worse
and we trust that they won’t hurt us
we just put blind trust
even though we never really know
but we don’t really care.
I think we do it for the momentary happiness
that might last a while,
maybe even forever
but we’re always slightly afraid that it will end
and we’ll go back to how we were before..
Strangers
but in the end we’re not really strangers
anymore...
MSI
<Please Don’t Break Me>
And if we ever meet again
I’ll know it’s meant to be
but for now let’s live in this happiness
because we both know it won’t last forever
even though we truly wish it did.
MSI
<Living in the Moment Was Always Our Thing>
It’s like walking through a field of flowers
wearing a white flowy dress and you’re happy
you’re picking flowers and it’s a joy so immense
nobody can stop you, you’re free but then
you hit a wall, the flowers in your hands are not there
they’re replaced by rubbish, and then you look back
and it’s no longer the field of flowers.. it’s a mess
a mess that you have no choice but to fix
so you do, you walk back
and start piecing it all together and you’re sad
you’re guilty because you created such chaos
you beat yourself up about it as you see everything;
the people you hurt, the mistakes you made,
the good ideas that were actually bad ideas
then once it’s clean you’re excited.. it’s the field again
and you’re running through it again and it’s scary
because you never know where the wall is
when you’ll be stuck looking at the mess again
but you still enjoy it, you still love the flowers..
MSI
< Bipolar Disorder In My Words >
What if I never forget you?
what if, all my life,
when I meet someone new,
I can never fall for them
because they aren’t you?
ANON
And with every word you spoke
you made me feel as though
I was the best thing to ever happen to you
yet I still laid here at night
wondering when you’d leave
because all good things leave
and you were one amazing thing
I knew I couldn’t bare to lose...
MSI
<Bittersweet Nothings>
Killing a character you don't care about:
Killing a character who genuinely love and put a lot of effort into making:
“i have a problem with letting go of things with clenching my hands like a vice and holding on despite everything it’s why i keep all my memories with me carry them in my phone, on my walls in the little box inside my closet even though it’ll always remain closed i have a hard time letting go of people, of memories that no longer ring true i clutch them like i’d be bereft without them the conversations with people i don’t speak to anymore the photos i want to pull down from my walls the memories i no longer want to recall i never allow myself to mourn i hoard them and keep them close and i just can’t seem to let go.”
— i no longer want to meet new people because i’m afraid one day all they’ll ever be are memories i want to revisit, redo, ones that i want to stay in forever and would forever regret. memories that i would never let go of, but memories, nevertheless | wt.
This dude. Like yeah, I remember my shit most of the time, but I still forget. But you want an extension in advance for this assignment that you literally forgot existed because it’s online only and you can’t hold it in your hands? Nope. Sucks to suck I guess. You literally freeze up during tests due to anxiety? Sorry bud, can’t do nothing for ya.
"contract grading" "only 4 absences or you drop to an F" "in this class we will be teaching about disabilities. attendance is mandatory and i do not accept late work" "please respond to at least two of your peers in this discussion post" "people with autism need time to decompress in a classroom environment. your class is four hours long with a 7 minute break." "we like to let students learn the way THEY want to learn. please buy our 150 dollar textbook."
An ADHD Morning
I set seven alarms so I don't oversleep. I couldn't sleep last night because I was researching ancient Rome on Wikipedia until 2am so I am bleary tired. My coffee maker is moldy from last week's brew and I don't even consider cleaning it, I just know that I won't be having coffee this morning.
I forgot to shower the night before, but now I don't have enough time to do it this morning, I got up too late. I use dry shampoo and hope my hair doesn't look greasy (it does). I scrape it into a messy pony tail that will give me a migraine but it's the only way it looks acceptable. I hear my mother's voice in my head "that's how you're wearing your hair today?" My finger nails are stumps of dried blood because I picked at them all night. The inside of my lip is swollen and bleeding because I couldn't stop chewing on it, thinking about how I could ruin today. My eyebrows need to be plucked. My face is covered in acne because I never remember to take my makeup off before I fall asleep.
My bedroom is a sea of clothes, piled high to obscure the wooden floors. One hamper has some clean clothes in it, I know, but I have forgotten which one. My ironing board is under the piles somewhere, but it's broken, so I'll have to try to use the anti-wrinkle spray on the sweater I fish off the floor and hope it looks okay. It's already been forty minutes, how has the time passed this way? I will be late now, no hope of arriving on time. My sweater is covered in cat hair. Where is the lint roller? I look through the piles and can't find it. I spend ten minutes looking for tape to make a make-shift lint roller and it doesn't really work.
My dresser is filled with empty makeup tubes, used makeup wipes, glasses wipes, and used lint roller sheets. I pick out the products I use and quickly do my makeup on my unclean skin.
Purse. I need my purse. Which purse did I use last? Which has my wallet in it? I walk past the piles on the floor of my apartment, past the dirty dishes, past the mound of art supplies on my desk. I find my purse on the floor under my desk. Okay.
Socks? I need socks. My socks might show when I sit down in these too-tight too-short pants. I have to find matching ones. Clean ones? No, that's too much of a reach. I must just find matching ones. I search, digging through the floor piles. I find two that do not match, but are the same color. Good enough.
Fifteen minutes late. My cat chirps as he brushes against my leg. Oh! My little friend! He's so cute and sweet. My sister loves to get pictures of him, so I'll take one for her. Look up here, Blue! So cute. I should really update the instagram I made for him, I've met so many people who have the same type of cat. I should edit some photos of him today to post. He makes me so happy. I feel so lucky I get to have a cat and such a sweet, loving one like Blue. How many people get to have such a great pet? I'm so thankful for him, and I tell him so while I scratch his face the way that makes him purr.
I text my sister the picture. She tells me to have a good day. I try to find a cute GIF to send her to tell her to have a good day too. Here's one with Snoopy. She'll like that.
I also need to feed Blue. There are a dozen empty, smelly cans on the counter of cat food, but I pick a new one out of the box they were shipped in and put it in his dish with a random measuring spoon because all my other silverware is dirty.
Bag. I need to pack a bag. Laptop, keys, tissues, pens, notebook, headphones, charging cable for my phone. Is that everything? And my wallet, of course! Aha. That would be bad if I forgot that.
My shoes are dirty and scuffed but I don't have time to fix them. What kind of coat? I don't check the weather. I pick out a thin yellow one that I like. I've always liked bright colors. This will cheer me up to wear it. Bag, coat, keys, phone...where is my phone?
I have headphones on, listening to a YouTube video on two times speed, but I don't know where my phone is. I don't have time for this! But I can't leave without my phone.
It's deep in the covers of my bed. I don't remember putting it there between sending the GIF to my sister and now, but no matter. I found it.
It's twenty degrees and raining. I have no umbrella and my spring coat is incredibly inappropriate for the weather.
I've left my car on the street for a few days in an area that is only for 3-hour parking. The parking tickets are stacked on the windshield. I owe the city about $400 in parking tickets and I keep getting letters from the police that they'll boot my car if I don't pay. I messed up the days on my budget spreadsheet, so I won't be able to pay them for another month.
I have no gas. I check the miles my car estimates I can go with the amount left and compare it to what my GPS says. Just enough. Maybe. It'll be okay. I can't get gas now.
I forgot to brush my teeth. I forgot my laptop charging cable. I forgot to take my medication, and I forgot to bring my medication with me to take my second dose. When I finally arrive at my destination, I don't remember that my debit card fell between the seat in my car yesterday while getting coffee at the drive-thru. So I leave without it. I also forgot to put deodorant on.
I wonder what my coworkers would think of me if they knew about my messy apartment, my poor hygiene, my lack of planning skills. Will they notice my teeth aren't brushed? Do I have any gum, mints, anything?
My coworker sees me come in late with in an oddly-fitting outfit and messy hair, but I greet them happily when I come in. They say that everyone forgets things sometimes and lends me their laptop charger. I'll forget to return it, but they don't know that yet. They don't know about my kitchen or my bedroom or my clothes or my unwashed face or my parking tickets. They don't know that without my medication I will be useless for the entire day and get nothing done, making more work for them.
I'm an excellent actress. I pretend to be like everyone else, and somehow I pass the test every time. I'm a shy, kind, young woman - they would never suspect there is a moldy box of forgotten take out food in my backseat that I'll discover in a few days. People socialized as female are expected to be neat, organized, in control. They don't even consider that I might not be those things.
"What did you bring for the potluck today?" my coworker asks.
The ingredients I bought for the dish I signed up to make are rotting in my fridge, forgotten as soon as I put them there after shopping two weeks ago. I didn't think to buy them closer to today. I also didn't think to put the pot luck on my calendar.
I make up an elaborate story about how my boyfriend needed to be picked up from a far-away job site last night. She believes me and I feel I don't deserve it.
I wish I wasn't a good actress.
calculus gothic
-epsilon is negative. epsilon has always been negative. no matter how you struggle, epsilon will stay negative.
-you must write +C at the end of every communication with the entity feeding upon your work. you change your last name to +C, vainly praying that this will appease their ferocious appetite. It does not. +C
-dy/dx is a fraction. dy/dx isn’t a fraction. you can never know when it is. you can never know when it isn’t. it is always there. laughing. it owns a cat. a black cat. she sleeps in a box. plotting.
-there are parts everywhere. dismembered functions lying prone on cold white pages. you are told to integrate by them. everything only gets worse. more parts appear. then more. and more.
adulthood is carefully writing a two paragraph email that could actually just be reduced completely to “hey, what the fuck”