2am Thoughts - Blog Posts

Has anyone else had that weird urge to eat an entire container of chocolate chip ice cream at 2 am or is it just me?

if you think about it, all religions and philosophies are basically elaborate fanfictions about the OG Creator and the creation story.

some are canon-compliant. some are wildly canon divergent. some are fix-it fics trying to rewrite “what went wrong.” some are fluff. some are angst. some are smut. some are full-blown parallel universes with different worldbuilding rules. some are written in metaphor and poetry (10k words of mystic pining). some are just meta commentary in disguise.

you’ve got -

canon-divergent AUs

crossover fics (syncretic religions mashing up pantheons like nobody’s business)

intense ship wars (wars have literally been fought over theology)

mystic fluff (divine love as the ultimate soulmate trope)

smutfic level intimacy (let’s not offend anyone but believe me there are some hardcore shit out there)

philosophy as fan essays debating the creator’s intent

crackfic cults that somehow still have a niche following

humanity’s been adding chapters to the same sprawling multi-universe fanfiction for thousands of years, and honestly? some of the worldbuilding is insane in the best way.

P.S just like the other canons, nobody is interested in this canon.

A sleepless night isn't as bad as it could be when I am talking with you.

2 am Thoughts

All of the sad songs make me think of you. But that's a part of all break ups. And even when I think I'm over you I hear that one song and all the feelings come back. And then I'm at square one all over again. It's such a vicious cycle that I was pulled into and can't seem to pull myself out of.

- I haven't cried... Yet

"Do you ever think about what could've been?"

-2 A.M. Thoughts (via. Wounded-writing)

A collection of paradoxes. The chilly air of the lingering winter intertwined with the uncomfortable, looming heat of the sun rays, looking to transform into a blazing wildfire. For me, March isn't about bright and colourful flowers. It's about a blindingly bright environment in which I hopelessly stumble around in a vain attempt to regain my bearings. It's not about hope, for me, it has a general sense of dreariness and resignation. And...I welcome it for what it is.

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.

Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Here are some thoughts I've had and quoted.

She needs to stop smelling the roses or I'll push her into the thorny ones

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You sure as hell can drown it though!"

"Keep that shit up. I'll shove my foot so far up your ass, I'll wear you like a sock."

"I hope, with a prayer behind my teeth"

"As long as I hold your hand; I'd call the flames of hell paradise."

"The reason we have red roses is because Aphrodite got pricked or cut by a thorn and bled upon some white roses. I thought the god's blood ichor was foretold to be gold in color. Perhaps in that moment of vulnerability, she was human for that time as she rushed to her love. How human it is to fear to love something death can take away yet do so anyway."

"You can talk shit about me all you want, but you better be better than me."

"I know I'm kind, I know people hurt me because of it. Take advantage and hurt me and yet I'm still kind. 'if you want peace, prepare for war,' I'll be the peace and suffer the war."

"We'll make the fall of angels look like a little trip."

"I do not fear death. It is but a promised whisper, neither one of us knows when it'll come but it is not something to fear."

"When you are under emotional distress, you needn't cause pain to others in retribution. They don't need to bleed with you to understand you."

"She went from sweet, shy and timid to I'm going to harvest your organs in a minute."

"When I was in so much pain my body would give out from under me, I always felt the need to apologize. "I'm sorry that my body is so weak." I was a child, what the hell was I meant to be."

"You should never look a gift horse in the mouth but it keeps smiling at me."

"You're going to have to go and pick a god to protect you and hope they are stronger than my rage."

"I can appreciate another being, someone else's form- but I made a home in these bones that I call my own and wish for no other shape than the one I'm given."

"'Did you take your pills?' At least I have pills. Nothing can fix that shit personality of yours."

She needs to stop smelling the roses before I push her into the thorny ones.

Me, thehiddenwhiterose

Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.

Leonardo da Vinci

If I could find the words, if I could shake the world, If I could turn back time would you still be there? If I could stop the words you say, If I could shake the world way you take, Then would you still be there?

Would You Still Be There, by Of Mice and Men

Maybe we are all crazy, that’s why we search for love in places it can never be found.

4 a.m. thoughts

2AM SAGAU THOUGHT

would genshin characters get jealous of your phone

If someone had to ask, “what’s the worst part of living with bpd?”

I think I’d say, trying to explain to someone what it’s like to not know who you are. Trying to explain swimming to someone who’s never seen water. Trying to explain purple to someone who’s blind.

It always results in a response along the lines of “But I know you”.

Which forces the conversation to an end, with a sigh. Realising that no one will ever truly understand what you are trying to tell them.

Realising that, the person they know, is based on themselves. Or the current movie character obsession of the week.

Trying to explain to someone that, if you were left alone, without any form of influence - real, or fictional - you would be stuck in place.

My cursed 2:00AM thoughts

Seriously guys wtf is going on in my head.

Newest 2am thought..

I want to write a horror novel

Probably about vampires

Whoops?

25 May 4:25 am

I have sat here and typed and retyped but nothing comes out that can express the feeling, the only way I can think of is asking the question... When will it pass?

When will I stop picking up the phone to call you only to remember that where you are you cannot receive calls? When will I be excited and not have the instant thought to share it with you knowing that I can't? When will I be able to go to sleep without wishing I did so knowing you were one of the people I spoke to in my day? When does it end? When does this loop end? I am tired. Please stop this feeling because it hurts too much.

I always said the same thing

when asked about relationships

and the reason why I was never in one.

I said it so much it felt a bit rehearsed

but it was true.

I did not need anyone to be happy,

I did not need anyone to come

and step into my world

only to mess it up.

And for so long I kept that up

I let no one in for anything else

but a simple friendship because I knew

that if they left it would be okay

but you came one day and overtime

became that one person;

The one that I never wanted to let go of,

because things with you were great

you came

and became part of my happiness.

Now I am finding it hard to let you go

but I know I will be okay

because I have rehearsed a new line

and it goes a bit like this,

“I learned what love was and I will be okay”

because although I still leave your space

in our bed open as if you would lay there again

I know you won’t and maybe,

just maybe things were meant to be that way

because

I learned what love was

And for that I will forever thank you.  

M.S.I

If every word I said could bring you back,

and allow me to hear your voice once more

I’d talk endlessly

about everything under the sun.

- about the loss of a loved one

I miss you more than I knew I would

and I hate it

because I promised myself

that I wouldn’t be that person,

the one who sits around

wondering how you are

and if you’re happy

but I couldn’t stop it and it sucks

because I wish I didn’t care.

I wish I felt nothing

but how can I feel nothing

for the person

who once made me feel everything.

MSI

I finally got it

I finally understand what everybody meant

when they would tell me that one day

I would fall in love

and I would understand what it was like

to be blatantly lost in someone.

I think it comes out of nowhere.

We don’t expect it,

it’s just there, one day

we realize that one person

can change our happiness

whether it be for the better

or for the worse

and we trust that they won’t hurt us

we just put blind trust

even though we never really know

but we don’t really care.

I think we do it for the momentary happiness

that might last a while,

maybe even forever

but we’re always slightly afraid that it will end

and we’ll go back to how we were before..

Strangers

but in the end we’re not really strangers

anymore...

MSI

<Please Don’t Break Me>

I loved you, I always will,

and that’s the problem

because the sad reality is

that I’ll love you way more

than I will ever love myself..

MSI

<If Only>

It’s like walking through a field of flowers

wearing a white flowy dress and you’re happy

you’re picking flowers and it’s a joy so immense

nobody can stop you, you’re free but then

you hit a wall, the flowers in your hands are not there

they’re replaced by rubbish, and then you look back

and it’s no longer the field of flowers.. it’s a mess

a mess that you have no choice but to fix

so you do, you walk back

and start piecing it all together and you’re sad

you’re guilty because you created such chaos

you beat yourself up about it as you see everything;

the people you hurt, the mistakes you made,

the good ideas that were actually bad ideas

then once it’s clean you’re excited.. it’s the field again

and you’re running through it again and it’s scary

because you never know where the wall is

when you’ll be stuck looking at the mess again

but you still enjoy it, you still love the flowers..

MSI

< Bipolar Disorder In My Words >

I remember those five songs I shared with you,

the ones that showed how broken I was and

as we sat on your car staring at the navy blue sky,

the color it usually was at 3am,

I knew you understood

and I don’t think anyone ever will again...

MSI

<My Favorite Playlist is Filled With The Songs You Shared>

What if I never forget you?

what if, all my life,

when I meet someone new,

I can never fall for them

because they aren’t you?

ANON

And in the fault of our reality

I wished nothing more than

to be able to watch you smile

for the rest of my life...

MSI

<Forever>

And with every word you spoke

you made me feel as though

I was the best thing to ever happen to you

yet I still laid here at night

wondering when you’d leave

because all good things leave

and you were one amazing thing

I knew I couldn’t bare to lose...

MSI

<Bittersweet Nothings>

You asked,

What is the scariest part?

I answer;

the scariest part is not the feeling of loneliness

or the darkness that fills you

despite the looming pain

of emptiness

The scariest part

is the realization

that you have lost yourself

completely

sinking in as you lay awake

At 2am

because you lost the ability to sleep

and you can’t even cry

because you don’t even care.

A.D.H

Anyone else start as a fanfic writer then started writing your own original ideas, and the best way to do it is to write your drafts like fanfiction of your own work? Like that's the only way I get stuff done.

I write a story with the characters I like, write an arc with facts about the world and characters as it becomes relevant, no real point to the scenes except me having fun with a scene I happen to be enjoying. I take a character I wanna have fun with, say "Go do that important thing so we have a plot while you show off how cool you are", then add random ideas that sound generic but fun to act as story beats. They went to a town, they got beat up by monsters, they discovered a super power, they make friends.

I take breaks between writing the story to obsess over other stuff, then come back when I have an epiphany in the shower a month later and quickly resolve the current arc in order to jump them into the next one. Like, there's still continuity, they mention "Hey we just went through something, wanna talk about your feelings?" "Not really man, wanna go on a quest for that Macguffin and uncover our deep-seated issues that way?" "Sure!" But the story follows a barely-connected story beat with side characters and new world building for the new adventure. And then this happens over and over.

Then I come back, one day.

I'm 600 pages into this Sysphian writing style of starting arcs that have barely any organization yet undeniable continuity and I think to myself, "Man, what if I just start the whole thing over now that I know where the story KINDA goes." So I start writing my second draft...like it's a fanfic of my original draft. I can do whatever the hell I want with these quirky facts about the characters, maybe translate one hobby into a backstory, take this tragic fact about the backstory and make it into an actual trait that defines how they react to situations, take these two characters that would TOTALLY get along and make them friends, I can take a character who should be getting introduced way later and just introduce them now!

And then it's...it's good? It's something I would genuinely read without cringing at??

It's got foreshadowing and interpersonal conflict and secret passions and even more secret traumas and it's humorous and the introduction of characters or quests actually seem to...make sense??? Like oh shit there's actually a REASON we want this thing, it's not a Macguffin anymore! Oh crap these two characters who were later revealed to be related can have a really interesting dynamic if I introduce them like they know from the beginning they're related instead of dropping it like the most casual thing ever in an arc 300 pages later??? These two characters are prominent figures so they would likely get along but have SO much sass between their one braincell. Ya know, this guy would be a really great guy for them to talk to in order to solve that weakness they have, but they wouldn't fix it because they don't get along. OH MY GOD I COULD SHIP THESE TWO AND IT WOULD BE PERFECT -

And what I get is a story where a lot of things have changed, mainly plot-wise, but the bare bones of the former story is still there. I think "Would this character know anything about this topic?" and then think "Well I made them an inventor with a backstory like this, so maybe they wouldn't know it directly, but they'd know a famous story about it" or "Yeah, that knowledge works with their backstory. Actually, if I take that thing I can expand it into this whole other thing. Wait, that means they would definitely know this other character. Oh, they would NOT get along with this character, how can I get THEM in the same room?"

Bonus, because my draft is so long, I feel the natural urge to be like "I wanna write the most exciting scene RIGHT NOW, how do I skip over all the fluff to get to the stuff I wanna WORK with" and so I've written a way more interesting hook that feels more natural jumping into the middle of their lives. I don't have to have the long-winded backstory from birth to the present, but now I can have them reference their backstory as more of a mystery to the characters they just meet - who are learning at the same time as the audience. I can think about how this character perceives that backstory and chooses to describe it, how another who was related might see it differently, and make it unclear who had the more accurate recounting since, ya know, I didn't actually write it beat for beat in this version!

The characters sometimes evolve into something completely different from my original telling - and I have NO IDEA how but I'll take it man! I had a shy and nice character get introduced as a more mysterious but knowledgeable and competent character because I had finally figured his personality out later on. He's still a tragic and kind person, but now he's being introduced to someone who doesn't know him and I get to see how yo he would be so much cooler if THIS was the side of him we saw FIRST. This is how he acts to strangers, rather than bearing his heart and true personality on the first go around because in the first draft I just wanted to get to the part where we're already going with his true version.

This is just how I write fanfiction. This character had this thing about them, but what if it was introduced like THIS?!

Basically I'm an AU OC writer at heart. Ask me to pull a story outta my ass and you'll get the equivalent of burnt toast, but ask me to write a fanfic of my own characters and I am a Master Chef in my natural habitat making a buffet. Why does my brain work like this? Am I the only one that does this?