George Daniel - Blog Posts

Chapter 17

Word Count :2296

There’s not much warning needed for this chapter it’s all just talking and understanding unless honestly needs a tag then it’s fine

Matty's POV

I spent a lot of time that afternoon in my room, I'd received a few texts from Ross asking if I'm okay and if I'd told my mum what was up, I told him that everything was good and that my mum knows but that I never told her about the coke use yet because I can't do it yet, As well as that my dad phoned me just telling me that he's proud of me , and that he's always going to be there for me , I'm his son and that he loves me and that he'll speak to me once he's home because I hopes I'll talk to him a bit more I you know all that stuff , and I thank him and chat to him for a bit about what he's up to at work. Later on that day George messaged back

"Good afternoon love , I'm sorry to hear that everything's been all over the place for you today, I know that your struggling but once I'm home we can call again and talk about what happened , I miss your voice and your face", This is when we start Snapchating again because honestly I miss his face too. After seconds of seeing his face appear on my screen and face splitting grin appears on my own face, I sent him back a picture of myself so he can see me, I might not look or feel the best right now but I understand that and he's not going to see me as any different. We snap chatted all afternoon about nothing and everything all at the same time . Right now we're talking about a game that we'd like to play

"Yeh oh my god did you hear that street fighter 6 is going to be out soon, apparently it's got new game modes coming out aswell", Video games is always something I can talk about from dawn till dusk , losing yourself in another world , and if you mess up you can try again another day nothing to be anxious about. Very different from real life.

He snaps right back that smile of his makes everything in my life just feel like it's a million miles away and I don't have to worry about it "didn't it say that it's got like a new mode where your like touring the world and you can play against others online right ?". If he's anything like me this game is going to melt our brains when it comes out , I know it's literally just an online game but I've played every single one, and I love them all, Any new realise melts my brain, I get lost in them for days , there were times when I was younger the guys would come over and we'd cabin ourselves up in my room and we'd play every walk through of the game and make sure we'd find every single hidden gem and watch people play them online. Those were the days, where my mum would come in to make sure we were all okay but we'd be too engrossed in the game to even notice she was there or we'd all be passed out on the floor because we'd been awake for two days straight, my room would be an absolute midden. When there parents came to pick them up I'd sulk for hours, cry to my mum because I'd want them to come back, always been the sensitive kid I guess. Then I'd be so tired that night I'd sleep for hours and wake up at like lunchtime the next day and my dad would spend all day trying to cheer me up. Come to think of it I'd always been sensitive , I know I'd cry about stupid things as a really young kid, I'd built a fort with my dad when I was maybe 4 but when we had to take it down I'd thrown the biggest conniption fit, screamed the place down which in turn caused my mum to have to buy one of those silly little TP tents for my room which I still have now.

A few moments later I get another Snapchat through from George "are you still there love" , I blush at the use of the pet name , I feel like that will always make me blush I then snap a picture of myself and reply

"Sorry darlin , I was just thinking about stuff and got lost in a day dream , but yes I did read that somewhere" I send it off and decide to get dressed , I just noticed the time , Louis will be home soon and probably will want to play for a while. I slide on a yellow T-shirt and some black shorts. Just like I'd said Louis knocks on my door and slides his little head round the door "Mummy said you were sad so I was wondering if you wanted to play angry birds that always makes me happy". He comes in now and climbs onto my bed waiting for me to sit with him.

I skulk over to him and sit next him "come on then show me how to play" , I hand him my iPad and slide onto the bed properly , leaning against the headboard and pull him onto my knee, He easily navigated his way through my iPad finding the game he needs , watching his little hands working there way through the screen.He pauses for a moment to look at me "Why are you sad ?".

I tap his head and play with his hair "it's okay little man we don't need to talk about it , I'm just being silly , how about you show me how to play". The games page loads up. He turns back to it and starts showing me how to play. I know how to play but he loves this game and I love watching him play. George replies midway through this game . I open it he must be on his way home now because he's outside and the sun is shining , brightly into his eyes making them shine "what where you thinking about love". That brings a smile to my face, I snap a picture back of me and Lou he's sat on my knee and he's too engrossed in his little game to notice that I'd taken his picture. It's actually a sweet one, I save it. "Just reminiscing about how I've always been a kind of sensitive guy really, we can talk about it when you call later if you like" . I put my phone down on my bed and pull Lou close to me hugging him "I love you little man"

"I love you too Maffu" , he hands me the iPad means he's struggling with this level , so I take it and I show him how to do it talking him through it "Fanks, you're really good at this , you can do the next one too" , we go through a few more levels together taking turns , George has replied but I'm lost in my time with my little man.

I pause the game after a while "Hey kiddo, do you have homework", I know he's only young but he might have class reading to do and I love hearing him read he's such a good little reader. "Go get your bag and I can help you with it yeh ?"

"Okay", he jumps off the bed , scrambling to go get his bag , while he's gone I reply to George, he's still stood outside but has a joint in his hand "If it's something you'd like to talk about then we can , how's the little man ?" , he's so darn pretty , how can some that looks like a literal angel just be allowed to walk the earth and not have a partner like it doesn't make any sense. The fact that he cares about me and even ask about Lou is also something that I can get down with

I snap back , I'm probably blushing because the picture he sent was really pretty , "I would really like it if we could talk about it , also he's doing grand , we were just playing angry birds , im about to help him with his homework , you look really pretty today by the way George x" , I hope that makes him smile even just a little bit.

He replies instantly he looks to be home now, he's sat on his couch has his headphones in and there's a tinge of red adorning his cheeks and he's smiling "says the pretty boy on the other end of the phone , would you like to call when you've finished with the little man then !?x"

I send him just a quick text this time because I can hear Louis running back up the stairs shouting to my mum that I'm going to help him do his homework "I'd like that alot x" , he send back just a quick alright then I plug my phone in to charge and then loius comes running back into my room "I got it", we end up setting his little books on my desk and he climbs up onto my knee so we can read his book, I remember reading this one when I was his age. He's reading away, he gets stuck on a few words but he honestly does so well , it's only a small book , ten pages at most but I'm so damn proud of him. This grown up little man is going places. The next part of the homework is where the issues began , neither of us a very good and maths it may seems, I'm trying to help him with his times tables as he has to learn them before he moves up to year three , I'm doing my best to try and help him where going through the 8 times table because that's the one he struggles with , and although I'm 17 going on 18 years old , I really should know my 8s but I don't not by heart anyway. I start panicking when I'm trying to explain how to do it, because I can tell he's getting upset about it , again another similarity we have is we both get upset quite quickly over small things , it's stupid how fast I get panicked over this and it's even more stupid how quickly we both get frustrated at it. I do try to keep my cool but eventually after about half an hour where both just frustrated messes and I don't want to see him upset anymore so we pack his things away and I let him go play for a while. I go to talk to my mum. I make my way down the stairs to see that my mum is working in her office but my dads home and sat on the couch flicking through the channels

"Hiya dad", I stand at the doorway slightly flustered, I lean against the door frame. I can feel myself getting a little twitchy but I force it down

"Alright yungun, what's up?", he's looking at me , I can see he's a little bit on edge trying to work out what's going on and trying to figure out if I'm okay.

"I just um came to tell mum something but she's busy so could I tell you ?", after I few silent moments I stride over to the sofa and sit next to my dad. "I think , I may need a little bit more help than mum thinks"

"Why's that yungun", he puts the remote down and sticks it on the arm of the chair. Paying close attention to me now .

"It's just everything stresses me out , small things that mean nothing to anyone, and when I get like that I can't do anything. It's like I try to speak but when I try it's nothing but a squeak in my own head , like I'm living in a house with just three walls and everyone can see me falling apart" . I don't want to cry right now, I can do this , I can have one conversation about how I feel without crying Jesus I need to do it "like everything is changing , there's this pressure in my head that's telling me I need to keep everything the same and not let it change and obviously I can't do that and when it starts getting to much my whole system just shuts down and I feel like I'm gunna explode" , I take a breath that I'd been holding , letting out a sigh at the same time rubbing my hand over the back of my head violently.

"Hey yungun come ere", he pulls me into a tough hug, his strong arms holding me still as I am still trembling "we'll get your sorted won't we, you just need to keep doing this , talking about what's going on"

"I'm trying dad I promise I'm trying", once I've pulled away I give him a soft smile and thank him for listening, on my way back to my room my mum calls through to make sure I have my cheeseburger so I do I pick up the paper bag and bring it up with me and slowly make my way through it, I know it's literally just a cheeseburger and kids eat them but it takes forever to get through, it takes an age actually. I don't feel that great after it, bloated to all hell actually but I guess that's my own fault. I ponder for a while why it's so hard for me to just do things that I'm supposed to do to live bit I think about it for long because if I spiral I won't bounce back for a while

"I'm ready to call whenever you are Georgie x"

Chapter 16

Word Count :1291

This is another short chapter to have something written this is Matty and Denise

Just parents caring : mention of slight eating disorder

Matty's POV

"Matty your mums here for you", Ross informs me when he comes back with another cup of coffee, he made me one but I guess if mums here I'll have to leave it and he can have it later. I clamber of his bed sighing as I go as I'd just gotten comfy and I don't want to go I hug him goodbye and he tells me to let him know if I need anything.

I grab my rucksack from the door and make my way outside seeing my mum waiting for me outside of the car she came over to me and folds me into her arms "hiya son" , I half hug her , she only just saw me this morning it's not like I've been gone for days .

"You saw this morning mum , you alright?", I smile at her trying to make the situation a little lighter because I know it's just going to be a handful later.

"I'm alright sweetheart , why don't you jump in and we'll have a chat yeh ?" . As she got in the car I got in the other side immediately hit with the volume of the radio

"Shit Ma , could you turn that down Jesus , why's it so loud ?", She looked at me like I had three heads then reached for the stereo turning it down for me. Then starts up the car, waving goodbye to Ross

"It was even that loud Matty, So what's going then?, Ross said your having a hell of a time right now". I really don't want to get into it right now, so I just shrug and lean my head against the window feeling the vibrations going right through me, closing my eyes so I can drown out everything around "Come on love I can see it myself, Can you please be honest with me ?"

"It's just a whole load of everything Mum, Where do you want me to start"

We drive for a while and just talking about everything and anything I can to help her understand what's going on in my head , talking about school and how I'm scared that everything is changing, how much I hate how everything is affecting me, that it's a constant battle everyday to just be okay and she'll listening to me. Not interrupting me , just listening. I don't tell her about the drugs though because I know she'll be upset and I don't want to upset her . She pulls up to the Mcdonalds drive through both mum and dad know that it's where I like to get coffee it's quick and easy.

"Did Ross feed you love !", why did I just know that was coming. I shake my head no but let her know that Ross did try but I argued that I wouldn't want it if he did because I wasn’t hungry, my appetite is just gone

"Love you've barley eaten in like 3 days , do we need to go see Dr Adrian again?". Dr Adrian was the doctor my parents had taken me too when I started having food issues , he gave me supplements to help me get back on track and they did a fine job but since maybe January I just haven't had the best appetite, It got easier to hide as time went on I suppose. "We can see him again you know , he'll help you get back on track".

"Nah , I don't want too , I'm just not that hungry right now" . She still pulled up anyway "Can't I just get a coffee Ma."

"I'll get you a coffee but you need to get something to eat you can save it for later but I'd like to see you get something to eat please" . We're just at the drive in the person has already asked us what we'd like I swear this is just the most awkward this could be

"Alright fine uh , I don't know just get me a cheeseburger then and a Toffee Latte" . Literally even at the thought of eating my stomach is churning but if it's what my Mum needs then so be it.

"Right wasn't that easy", My mum orders food for herself as-well, I go straight for the coffee once it's handed to us the warmth of the cupboard cups really relaxes my hands feels like a warm hand in mine.

"Thanks" . I left the cheeseburger is the bag for now as my Mum drove off, I don't quite know where she's going yet but I'm sure I'll learn soon enough. "Hey Ma?"

"Yes Son?", She looks at me while she's driving quizzical look on her face.

"What's going on with you and Dad?". I've never brung it up with them but I know they've been arguing a lot, and dad sleeps on the couch at night, when he's home that is. I know she cries most nights

"Nothing that I need you to worry about Son , it's just marriage stuff that everyone has , we'll sort it , but I need you not to worry"

"But I do worry Mum, you know uh Ross thinks it might be anxiety, that's why everything stresses me out, do you think I might be able to get help with that" , shes looking at me again but she seems happy that there's things that could help.

"Anxiety is something that we can get you help for but it's not going to be easy and we won't always know what to do but there is ways , we can see if Dr Adrian can help with that". We're on our way home now I think. "We can talk to your dad as-well if you like and we'll work on it together love"

"That sounds good Mum , but don't tell dad everything, can we leave some stuff for dads sake I don't want him to get all protective like he does" , I love my dad and he's always protective when things go wrong and he's so good at everything but when he gets protective he gets all weird

"Right love I'm glad you've spoken to me but I really need you to keep being honest with me, talking to me when your feeling upset or scared okay?"

"I'll try mum I promise" , we pull up outside the house and once we're inside I tell mum I’m going for a shower I feel groggy even though I haven't even done anything, and on my way I decide to message George , I haven't spoken to him all day and I actually miss him

I send him a message "hiya George , I'm sorry I haven't spoken all day, today got really busy and I spent a lot of time talking with people about what's going on, but I'm going to be honest with you right now too , I missed you" , I know I don't even know him and it can be weird missing someone you've never met but I do, it's really helped having him to talk too , he doesn't know my past so doesn't bring stuff up that others might. After sending the text I just hop in the shower and take my time to have an actual proper good shower. Shampooing and Conditioning my hair , lathered up in soap I'm finally feel clean. The heat is really relaxing I wish I could stay here forever. Once I've finished, I jump out and brush my teeth and comb my hair a little staying wrapped in my towel I climb onto my bed and just lay there for a while. It's calming just laying in the quiet in the dark of your own room nothing to think about

Part 15

Word count 3075

There’s a little bit of Ross in this one so if your a Ross girlie/guy your man’s in this has a slight POV and I think it’s quite sweet mention of anxiety and drugs again in this one

Matty's POV

The walk to school was pleasant to say the least, My headphones were in ,the sky was blue and there was nary a car in sight not much to complain about on this fine morning other than the pollution in the air affecting the Ozone layer. Green house gasses and Carbon emission affecting climate change but what can a 17 year old boy do about that really. I decide to wait at the park for Ross he'll most likely want to walk with me. I pull out a cigarette while I wait lighting it in-between my lips while I guard it from the wind, I let the nicotine run through my veins and relax right into it. Ross doesn't take to long to turn up, rucksack flung over his shoulder and one shoe still needing tied. "Bloody hell, what happened to you?", He looks down right dishevelled,

He leans over tying his shoes "Stayed up last night talking to John and I slept in, missed my alarm didn't I." mans stressing, he really thought hed be late. It's kinda funny seeing Ross in this state usually it's me. The more important thing here is that he's stayed up talking to someone. That's never a Ross thing to do

"What really !?" I pat him on the back and pull his bag strap onto his other shoulder for him. His bag weighs a fuckin ton what the hell. I look at him he looks more presentable and pat down his shirt a little bit though and straighten his tie "There you go lad, looking loads better", We sit down on the swings next to each other and I hand him a cigarette and a lighter he probably needs it right now. I take another drag out of mine "on a serious note though , I do need to tell you something". I can't look him in the eye , I'm nervous about telling him what happened last night because I know he'd be upset that I didn't tell him sooner, I contemplated telling him how I felt , I contemplated texting him but I just couldn't.

"What's up Lad ?", although I'm not looking at him, avoiding all eye contact with him , boaring into the ground with my eyes. I exhale the smoke that I didn't realise I was holding. I can still feel his eyes on me "Matty you can tell me anything you know ?."After inhaling the last of my cigarette I throw it on the ground and squish the reminisce with my foot now my hands are free and I don't know what to do with them. They immediately go to my hair curling the ringlets carefully.

"I did something last night" my hands are now between my knees I'm crushing them together , it's an anxious tick I suppose something I do when I'm scared "it was stupid", although I really want to tell him I can't bring myself to say the words. I'm stalling .

"Come on lad, what happened ?". I was hyper aware of everything going on around me and how anxious I was getting. I was sweating and it wasn't the least obvious thing.

"I used again" , my hands were clammy and I still couldn't look in his direction never-mind at him, I know it's just Ross and he'd never judge me but everything around me is spinning again and my vision is going blurry and I feel like I am about to throw up . It's just nerves.

"Shit man ,I'm so sorry , why?, what caused it ?, did something happen?, why didn't you call me ?" . That's so many questions in one go , how am I supposed to answer, shit everything is going crazy and my head, it hurts , I'm dizzy and I don't want to be here having this conversation right now.

"It's a long story....I had a meltdown really...George and I were talking about music ...he threw a track together in his class yesterday and really wanted me to hear it and uh I wanted to show him that I knew what I was talking about and he wanted to hear something I'd done so I made the error of singing 102 didn't I....and everything just spiralled" . It all came out all at once . I didn't plan on telling him the whole story but when I started I couldn't stop. Word vomit comes to mind. Still no chance of it stopping there though my mind is just raving " and and ...I had forgotten that Corey had given me gear from the party we went to the other week , I was trying to be good so I didn't take it ...but I found it when I was cleaning up ....and singing 102 again without Janey just hurt and ....".I felt Ross' hand on my bank and his arm snake around me in a tight hug trying to comfort me as the tears start rolling down my face

"Hey hey ...it's okay Matty, I understand, it's alright" , He held me close rubbing his hands down my back in a comforting kind of way , I'm now soaking his shirt with my tears there's no way that it's going to subside anytime soon "Can we just go back to yours for a bit" I mumble into his shirt. I don't quite know if he heard me because he makes no effort to move. He just held me. After a few minutes more he pulled away and guided my chin to look at him "we can go back to mine, my mum won't mind, I really don't think school is the right place for you right now, it'll be okay". I was upset , more so angry at myself . I had really been looking forward to school this morning somewhat excited to maybe have a full day in lessons but now my head was throbbing and everything was telling me there was no way that was gunna happen.

"I'm sorry" , Ross is still holding on to me while we walk back to his , the guilt I feel that he's missing school is bubbling in my stomach, " You don't have to miss school you know?, not for me" . The walk to his isn't to long, he lets go of me for a second to unlock his front door and he lets me go in first and follows close behind. Once I've dropped my rucksack into his room I slip into the bathroom because I'm feeling super nauseous. Ross tentatively follows behind me "please, don't come in".

"I'll just wait out here okay , and just call for me if you need me" . He lets me close the door and if I know Ross which I do he will literally just be sat at the other side of the door. With that knowledge I rest my back against the door and slide down, and try to avoid looking at the light so I can calm down. I slip my glasses off and place them on the floor beside me and force my knuckles into my temples to try and ease the throbbing in my head "Ross do ave any more painkillers by any chance?"

"Yeh there in the cupboard above the sink", His voice is soft and quiet from the otherside, I must have gotten up from my place on the floor to quickly because as I rise the nausea comes flowing through me tenfold causing me to rush over the the toilet and heave into it making a disgusting grumble echo through the room. "Matty are you okay ?". It comes in waves a few seconds apart three more times. The toast from breakfast swiftly making an appearance. My skin is sticky the room smells rancid and my eyes are feeling that familiar sting again. Here I go crying again for god sake. Once I'm sure I have finished I lean against the cool tile on the wall behind me , loling my head back.

"I know I asked you not to come in but I've changed my mind..." before I've even finished my sentance Ross is in the room and by my side, I curl up into a ball and fall against his shoulder

"I hate this Ross , I hate this sooo much , I was in such a good mood this morning and now here I am crying on your bathroom floor not even an hour later , I don't understand any of this" , my tears are flowing at a rapid pace now and I've lost all the ability to stop them, my bottom lip is trembling. "I can't keep doing this"

"What going on up ere ?", he tapped my head in between my eye brows indicating that he's asking what's going on my head.

"Everything , Everything is going on, I'm not okay , I'm just...so...emotional....I feel unstable in my own head" .I'm clinging onto Ross for dear life right now like he's going to disappear if I let go or I'm not careful "I....I feel lost"

"Can you tell me do you know when this all started Matty, like when exactly did the first meltdown happen ?, was anyone there to help?" . I can feel his arms wrapped around me , his warmth is trapping me in this feeling of closeness and understanding. It's safety isn't it.

I speak into his shoulder "I don't quite remember when it all started but I know I was at work when it first happened , I was at work and um it was a particular busy shift and everything was just getting to much, It started with just a headache but then like 20 minutes later just everything , everything hurt and I couldn't see and the room was spinning , my hands where shaking, they sent me home and mum looked after me?". I really did think talking about it would be a lot harder but something about being in Ross' arms make it a lot easier.

"How does it make you feel after", his hands are playing with my hair he knows it calms me down. Lightly tugging on the curls running them through his fingers

"I just feel tired and a bit twitchy", I still have a slight headache but talking about it is really starting to help a small bit. "Could you get those painkillers for me lad ?".

He does so, standing up and filing through the cupboard looking for the painkillers , filling a glass and picking up my glasses from the floor, handing me them. I thank him as he sits right back where he was pulling me into him "Do you want to go lie down then , Ill ring your mum and let her know where you are so she doesn't worry ?"

"That would be nice, thank you".After necking the the pills and water and putting my glasses back on , Ross pulls me up to my feet. Guiding me to his room, my legs are are still shaky but Ross is doing a great job right now. He lays me down on his bed and sits next to me. He's only got a single bed so there's not much room for us both but I pull him close to me while he's here so he doesn't leave.

"Try to get some sleep then lad", I close my eyes and concentrate on his breathing, I know he won't call my mum until I'm asleep since I don't like it when people talk about me. He turns the TV on and plays it on low friends is playing, I can feel him slightly shake every-time they tell a joke, he gets a good laugh. I fall sleep listening to the sound of his breathing against my ear.

~~~~~

Ross POV

Once I feel like Matty's asleep, I find my phone in my pocket and fire his mum a text.

"Good morning Denise, It's Ross , which you know I guess obviously but yeh , I don't know if your free to talk or anything but just so your aware Matty is here with me , you probably got a message from the school saying he's not there but I just thought I'd let you know he's here with me and not to worry"

"Good Morning sweetheart, I did see a message from the school but I have had a minute to check it over , what happened , he seemed happy this morning when he left?"

"I don't really think it's my place to say he should really tell you himself but I'd just recommend speaking to him or just keeping a closer eye on him for a little while , There's alot going in his head right now"

"I have realised that but you know how he is just avoiding us as much as he can , but thank you for letting me know sweetheart , I'll be round to pick him up after work, please just make sure he gets something to eat and keeps hydrated, I'll let his dad know"

"You don't need to thank me, I'm just looking out for him , he's asleep right now , I'll get him some lunch when he wakes up"

I put my phone back in my pocket because I'm not sure how to continue the conversation I've never been good at talking with peoples families without them around even though Denise is like another mother to me. I just stay in my room with Matty to keep a close eye on him. I've never seen this kid so quiet, it's miracle trying to keep this lad still for longer than five seconds. I smile to myself because finally seeing him look peaceful for the first time in so long really pulls at my heart strings. The TV in the background drowning as I just watch him sleep keeping an eye out for any signs that he's having a nightmare or something.

He's been asleep for nearly an hour now , he's laying next to me I can feel him start to get a little restless slightly thrashing about not much but it's still noticeable. "Hey , Matt , shhhh , it's alright I'm ere , Matty it's alright". His grip on me tightened and I don't know if I should wake him but I don't want him to be in distress so I shake him a little "Matty your alright, I don't know if you can hear but everything is okay" . At that his eyes open a little and he squints as his eyes get used to the room around him and he pulls himself into me guarding his face from the light seeping through the window. "Are you okay?"

"It's...it's to bright, the curtains can you close them" , I get up slowly to close the curtains and Matty sits up pulling his knees to his chest and the heels of his hands pressed into his eyes

"Matty , stop your going to hurt your eyes mate, you've got to be softer". I'm next to him again in an instant pulling his hands away and holding his face so he's looking at me "Is that better?"

He's looking at me with those eyes of his, so apologetic for no reason, he looks so young "I'm sorry , my eyes just always really hurt after a headache...like there just really sensitive"

I'm still holding his face, he's till looking right into my eyes "it's okay Matt , why you apologising, were you having a nightmare"

"I don't think so, I think I was just panicking in my sleep if that's even possible"

"I think that can happen you know", You know I don't actually know if it is possible but feels like it could be and it definitely seemed like that's what was happening. "Oh uh I haven't mentioned , your mums coming to pick you up after work"

"Okay , fuck she's probably gonna take me out for a drive somewhere so I'll talk to her , I don't wanna go out I just wanna be at home" , he lets his legs go straight again and rest his head against the headboard

"Why don't you want to go out ?". I'm sat next to him with my legs crossed playing with a singular thread coming off the pocket of his trousers, "doesn't it help to talk to your mum ?, she used to take you out on drives when you were younger didn't she to help you talk more ?"

"She did yeh , she used to take me out a lot when I had things going on , or when I was anxious as a kid like when I was anxious to tell her things, it did help, I think I'm just scared to tell her what I did, she'll be so upset"

"She'd be upset but she'd understand and she would never be mad at you , you know , I know your mum she loves you , just wants what's best for ya". I really hope he gets the help he needs seeing him so fragile and scared is weird he's always been so confident in himself , we'll not always he was always a little shy as a kid but since high school he really grew into himself and became such a light in everyone's world and watching that light dim has just been so upsetting lately. "Do you think they might be panic attacks or Anxiety attacks or something"

"Maybe , it's just everything sets it off that's what bothers me is that I don't know what's going to set me off everyday because there's always something"

"We'll we can work it on them, see what helps you calm down , and please talk to your mum , you never know how much it might help ya" . I pull a cigarette from my pocket and steal Matty's lighter from his blazer pocket "want one ?"

"Sure", I offer him one of mine as I light mine, we sit in silence for a bit as I ponder what to do next because I really just want to make sure he's settled before his Mum arrives which might make him open up more.

"What do you wanna do , watch tv , fifa or just sit for a bit", picking up my remote I look through what's on Netflix "if you want the TV you can pick"

"I don't mind , we can just watch whatever" , we finish our cigarettes and he immediately pulls out a joint "this might calm me down"

"Thats alright I'll just put some music on"

And that we do and we smoke until his mum turns up. Just around the back of 1

Chapter 14

Word count : 2225

This one is just cute more Louis and Matty I recommend listening to “I’d there somebody who can watch you “ while reading

Matty's POV

I slept through the night again, I can't really confirm wether my dreams were good or bad but I slept and I feel great. It's a bit cold since I didn't sleep with much on so I pull my blanket around me George is still there fast asleep bless him , I know he'll have to be awake soon enough but I don't want to wake him up he's so pretty just asleep although there's not much of it his hair is draped across the pillow and he's pretty much holding the duvet too his chin so sweet. Right on que Lou comes bouldering into my room "oh your awake today". I sit up and rub my eyes the room is still a little bit blurry as I've just woken up

"Yeh sweet one I'm awake but we have to be quiet , Matty's friend is sleeping okay" as I tell him we have to be quiet I put my finger to his lips indicating that we have to shush. He then climbs onto my bed and sits on my legs like he's sitting on my knees "how are you this morning kiddo ?" . I ask him as I pull him into a hug.

He settles into my hug and plays with the hair on the nape of my neck "I'm still a little bit sleepy, but I've got school don't I?", he turns to look at my screen and looks at me pointing to the screen "who's that ?"

"That's just Maffu's friend George" , I smile at him still just laying there , then look at Louis I ruffle his hair he looks a little confused but what can you say he's a kid "what's up kid?"

"Why did you just call him if he's sleepin ?", A child innocence is so lovely to me. Not understanding the world fully.

"We were talking last night and we just feel asleep that's all kiddo, but Maffu has to get dressed for school now, do you want my help getting you ready or can you do it like a big boy ?"

"Can you help ?" , I ruffle his hair and hug him into me a little again and let him go to get his uniform , while he's away I quickly find a T-shirt to put on before he comes back. He comes back a few moments later with his uniform bundled in his arms, he's so grown up I can't deal with it

"Come on then, come ere, did you brush your teeth?" , he looks at me and smiles , which is a tell tale sign that he hasn't yet but will try to say he has, I know that trick to well im the king of that one "Come on Maffu will do it with you" . I take his uniform and place it on my bed, lift him up and take him to my bathroom , I keep a toothbrush in my en-suite for him because he does like to do his with me sometimes, he gets his little stool and drags it over to the sink so he can see in the mirror when he brushes. He's like me he likes to watch himself no matter what he's doing. "What do we need first?", I know what we need obviously but I'm helping him learn.

"We need toothpaste silly", he stretches over the sink and grabs the toothpaste and our brushes and hands me mine, "it's got to be only a little bit though not to much only small" . He's so cute, I put the toothpaste onto his brush and then my own . He then starts brushing and I join in. I watch him brush while I do, I can't believe how grown up he's gotten, he's so little still but sooo grown up and it makes me want to cry. We brush for the amount of time your supposed to then we rinse again obviously.

" want me to brush your hair too". I pick up my brush and the gel but he shakes his head and jumps down from the stool and pushes it back into the corner

"Mummy doesn't brush my hair until after I'm dressed Maffu". That would make sense, he runs back throw to my room as I follow after him, He stands awkwardly waiting for me. I begin to get him dressed trousers first and he stops me before I do up his button. "I can do it" , I let him do it for himself , next is his polo shirt and he does the same again I get it on for him and he does up his own buttons, then he pulls his jumper on. Arghh that's my little brother right there he's so smart. "You can brush my hair now , can you make it like yours?" . We trundle back through to my bathroom and I starts brushing his hair making sure there's no tiny knots in it , and then rub in a little bit of gel and slick it back a little bit, It can't be exactly like mine as he's got a full head of hair mine is a mullet but I try

"Is that good for you", he's smiling in the mirror so I can tell he's happy with it , he then spots my glasses on the sink where I left them yesterday and he puts them on. I smile at him, there too big for him so they keep sliding down but he persists. "Take a picture"

I quickly grab my phone from the bedroom making sure we haven't woken George up but he's still sound asleep it's nearly 7 so assume he will be soon. I open Snapchat and take a picture of us in the mirror , he's standing with his tongue out and making the little rocker kid sign his hands are so small my god, I save it and let him see "yes I like it"

"I like it too kid , should we send it too daddy, for when he gets to work"

"And show mummy, can I show mummy?"

"In a moment yeh , I send it to George captioned "Morning from us G", I then select the picture again in my memories and give it to him so he can go show Mum. This will give me sometime to get myself ready, I hop into the shower after I strip down and give myself a quick clean up washing the events of yesterday off of me and relaxing in the heat, I only take about ten minutes because I'm sure Loiue will be back anytime soon, then I wrap a towel around myself after getting out , I hear an alarm going off in my room must be George. I'll let him wake before I go see him so I do my hair brushing it to get all the knots out I have far more knots in mine that Louis did mine is much curlier than his. I spray myself with some deodorant and some aftershave then look in my cupboard for my contacts but I can't seem to find them "oh well, I'll just ave to wear my glasses", I pad through to my room pulling out some clean boxers and some clean trousers and pull them on then I decide it's finally time to go see George , I jump onto my bed careful not to just to hard incase I brake it again "Good Morning" , he's smiling at his phone I guess he's opening the snap, I start to blush again even though he's not looking at me but the fact he's smiling at our picture it's making me feel things.

"Good morning love, did you get your brother dressed ?" He shows the picture to me still smiling like a twat "who's glasses are they ?"

"There mine, he likes to wear them a lot makes him feel like me , he likes to be like me as you can probably tell from the picture", I get back up to get my shirt and blazer, then to pack my rucksack for today double checking maybe even triple checking that I have everything I need today , going over it in my head , History , French , English and Art not a terrible day today the only thing I can't find is my art folder but I think my mum maybe has it, she likes looking at what I do

"Can I save it" he sounds further away from the camera as I can't hear him as clear he must be getting dressed too , once I've got myself completely ready I sit back down on the bed. Putting my shoes on , it makes me smile when he asks and I blush again

"Yeh if you like". I'll have to resend it as I'm sure it's already gone from the snap as there not on that long , so I do. Then Louis comes back into my room mid way through a game I believe since he's not really paying much attention and he's just stood at the door with my phone, Once he's finished playing what I assume is a level on angry birds he comes bounding over and hands me it back and my glasses, "Thanks kiddo , you can say good morning to Georgie now he's awake"

"Good Morning George" , he's stood there stood at the side of my bed waving at the camera I can see he has his shoes on but there not tied "How about I tie those for you Kid ?" He jumps up onto the bed and he puts one foot on my leg as I quickly start tying it. I can see in my peripheral that George has come back into the screen and is actually wearing his uniform today and he's smiling at me waving at Louis who's just blindly staring at him. "Next one" he replaces his foot with the other and I tie that one too. He then jumps back down off the bed after waving goodbye to George and stands looking at me "Do I look just like you Maffu" , I wipe my glasses clean and place them on for the first time in what four days and smile at him while telling him he does and he leaves again. I was right my glasses do enhance everything and any light that's in my room reaches my retinas tenfold but I try to get used to it. It's just George and I again

"Your good with him", he's just watching me trying to adjust to my glasses and the screen is a little blurry but I can still make everything out, it's already giving me a sore head this won't be good but I have to wear them.

"I did say we were inseparable didn't I"

"That you did" , he gets up and starts packing his bag none of his things are in folders and he just has papers upon papers piled in his bag which is the most typical 16 year old bag just a black Nike bag , he's wearing a shirt and tie with black trousers like most uniforms but he's still wearing a black hoodie and red vans that's a bold choice but I love it , I can hear movement on his side that isn't coming from his room and he turns to me "I'll have to go now Matty , my mum will want to make sure I'm ready but I'll message you on my way to school yeh ?"

"Yeh that sounds good" I smile at him and wave "See you later darlin"

"Talk later love" he waved and the then the call ended. Leaving me alone for the first time in maybe 8 hours, it's weird I miss him the minute he's gone but I can do it. I pick up my rucksack and a few fags and a joint or two and then exit my room waiting for my mother to bombard me with questions

"Good morning sweetheart" . I walk over to my mother and kiss her on the cheek Louis is sitting eating coco pops and I put my rucksack on the chair beside him and begin making some food. Just toast but it's something and my mother is looking at me weirdly.

"Good morning mum , how are you this morning" , she hands me a mug of coffee which I am internally great full for and sits down across from Lou making sure he isn't getting milk all over his clean uniform. I too sit down once my toast is ready and make my way through it. It's only a slice but I do it. My mother starts telling me about how her night was and her plans for today after she takes Louis to school and asking if I'm going to manage today , to make sure to message her if I need to leave but I tell her I'll be fine that I've got Jamie in a few of my classes today and that's it's not a bad day today. After I've finished my coffee I kiss Louis on the head and say goodbye to both of them and leave for school feeling great for the first time in a while

Chapter 13

Word count : 2419

Mention of drugs , it’s cute and angsty still and supportive and just fluff

Matty's POV

Once I write the text I read it over to make sure I didn't miss anything out and then send it knowing an answer will never come is still upsetting but it's also grounding knowing I can say anything and not be corrected or told to think about things. I spend sometime reading over things I've sent since she passed it's bringing tears to my eyes again. I don't quite know how long I'd been lying there, but i here his little voice come from the screen

"That doesn't look like sleeping to me love", he's looking a little bleary eyed and confused "are you okay ?"

I look up at him and drop my phone down onto my pillow like a child who'd been caught up after bedtime chuckling a little bit at myself "I'm alright I was just reading some stuff", I smile at him to confirm I'm alright.

"What we're you reading, you looked a little upset", pulling the duvet around himself more he rubs his eyes and tries to get everything into focus again.

"Just old texts I sent to Janey , I sent her a text just telling her about you , I've been doing it a-lot since she passed it helps a lot", I pull my pillow under me better so I can lay right. I feel better than before It must be wearing off and I'm much more settled.

"About me , why ?", he looks so young right now, so gorgeous , I know I've said it before but I'll keep saying it's because it's true.

"I was telling her about this guy I met and how lovely he is and how much he helps me", fuck I'm blushing again, my face is warm from the blush, I can't deny it though he constantly makes me blush, the idea of being able to maybe love him one day keeps playing in my mind it's weird.

"I'm lovely? , I'm sorry Matty , are you good bruv ?" , man even his sarcasm is cute , but seriously I could talk about him all day , he then begins to laugh and sits up a little "it's funny though"

"What's funny?"

"I was just telling my friends about this guy I'd met , how interesting I find him , even though I don't know him all the well but he's really handsome" , he's blushing too now and seems a little nervous with this revelation, he doesn't need to be I do find him lovely and VERY attractive "I wasn't lying earlier when I said your fit"

"Neither was I" , letting out a sigh I'd been holding without realising, I switch on my bedside light now feeling alot better that before, I feel like a 14 year old teenager again just falling for someone without even knowing them it's stupid " I really like having you around"

"I like having you around too, I wish I could I’m hug you right now", he still seems shy I could easily change that one day

"That would be amazing if I'm honest just to hold someone for a minute", I want to I really do

We get talking for a while a lot into the night talking about the things we like and don't like , stories of friends and funny anecdotes, he tells me the story of when he broke his wrist.Where laughing at it , I'm laughing that hard my stomach hurts and my eyes are streaming. This guy is amazing. I swear I've never felt this close to someone before other than the boys and Janey . I tell him the story of Ross when we were 13 smoking for the first time how high he got and ate basically everything in my fridge and how mad my Mum got because he ate what she had bought for dinner. The story of when my brother was born and how scared I was because I thought I'd break him but now we're literally the most inseparable brothers could be.

"You really love everyone in your life dont you Matty?, you hold them so close", Since starting the conversation we'd both woken up a lot and started becoming more animated but I"ve learned how much this kid talks.

"I love em all there all amazing, you should meet them one day", I swear one day I'll make sure he meets them

"You mean you actually wanna meet me?", how is he still unsure of that I want him around.

"Your an actual twat G , yes I want to meet you", he's smiling like an actual numpty again as am I. I don't really know if I'd ever stop smiling while he's talking to me. He really does make me feel safe "Can I tell you something George , please don't go mad at me though."

"That's ominous , but yes go ahead you can tell me anything", I really hope this doesn't push him away but people are always telling me to be honest, so im going to be honest the most honest I've ever been. Not even my mother knows.

"Well ...I think I might have a drug problem". My face is red right now but not from blushing this time more so nerves and how scared I am of being sincere and honest.

"I have an inckling that you don't mean weed do you ?" , I can tell he's listening because he's looking at me so much worry in his eyes and he's paying attention but he doesn't seem cross or mad so I keep going.

"No I mean , cocaine , I used to only do it at parties or when I was out with my mates , not that they ever would there amazing , but lately it's more often and it makes me feel better about things and stops me thinking for a while" I stop to take a breath then continue "and I know I shouldn't rely on it , and it's probably the worst thing I could turn too but it helps it really does"

"Matty slow down, you don't have to explain to me okay,I'll help you stop if that's what you want , is that what was wrong earlier ?",Im so glad he's not mad , I would if it were the other way around and I was talking to me but that's why he's so different, and he's so understanding. I didn't think he'd be this calm but I'm glad he is. "Like I knew something was off about earlier but I didn't know want you to be upset with me"

"Yeh in all honesty,after singing that song , I knew it would take me hours to calm down". It's weird being honest and not being pushed away or getting in trouble. I don't know how easy it will be to stop but if he really means what he said I'll try for him.

"I'm sorry love, how does it make you feel", he's now sat fully up and trying to find something I don't know what but I'm sure I'll find out eventually. I don't know how it makes me feel really it just empties me out and calms me, settling me down per say

"It just for lack of better words makes me feel nothing, just clears my brain of everything that's making me feel out of place", The room is starting to get a little warm so I remove my jumper just sitting in a T-shirt and my boxers, I know being honest is good but it really doesn't feel that good sometimes

"Well , I'm going to help you feel that way when you need it but what I need from you is to tell me when you feel like you need it and please for the love of god don't disappear" . As I remove my jumper I can see him eyeing me up a little even though he's trying to be serious, but I can't help but blush at the little twinkle in his eye as my T-shirt rides up a little.

"I'll do my best, I won't go anywhere that I can promise but it might be a little harder to do the other thing , but I'll try", I wanna play with him a little I get up out of the bed and place my laptop on the desk at the other side and take off my T-shirt then come to the desk sitting down and getting my Xbox remote putting my headset around my neck looking like I'm about to put them on I can see him blush again and he's slightly fidgety. I don't want to take it to far it would just be a little weird this early on but I can guarantee he loved it , trust me I know how to flirt.

He coughs a little to get his voice back " That's , that's okay so long as you know I'm here" , he's still bright red and his pupils are still blown wide "I know where having a serious conversation right now but your really handsome"

"I am , am I?" , I smile at the screen and start playing with the headset wires rolling it through my hands , I can see myself in the corner of my screen my hairs a mess and my shoulders and top half of my torso is showing I look a mess , slightly skinny as my coller bones are protruding and my arms are like twigs. But I can't deny I'm still pretty

"Yeh", I know he's young but I don't know if he knows how to flirt but you know what he's cute so I'll deal with it.

"Wanna play something, we can play fifa if you want ?"

"Sure , that would be cool". I run over to get my remote and come back and he's already up getting everything prepared, I wait till he's ready before starting a game "what team you gunna be but you can't be no shit second league team"

"Ahh young warrior you know nothing , I'm playing as Newcastle United and if you say anything this game ain't gunna happen" , I pick my team and I see he picks Sunderland I swear it was just to annoy me , rival teams and all "I swear you did that on purpose"

"Maybe I did" he chuckles to himself and the game begins.

The first half is played really poorly by both of us, none of our teams are doing what we wish they'd do, My goalie is honestly the only player playing right. I know I'm controlling it but nope it's not my fault none of them are playing right. I've netted at least two goals to his one. We went silent as the second half approached. The second half was alot better everyone is cooperative and Ive managed to score another two goals, Im really doing George's head in, he's really trying but I've managed to accidentally injure two if his plays causing one of mine to get a red card so we are both down team players but by the time the end of the game comes he is really not winning. I cheer to myself when I do win trying not to wake everyone up in the house as it's a little late and I know my mum will tell me to go to sleep if she hears me up

"See I told you I'd beat your ass", he's sat on the other end of the screen looking like a petulant child because he didn't win , and if he didn't look so cute I'd be totally turned off right now so he's lucky

"Nah mate I swear you cheated, I demand a rematch" , he's also moved over to his desk for better setting and game play action.

"Sure but watch me just beat you again , one more game and then bed because it's late and we said we'd go to bed hours ago ?"

"Sounds good to me love"

We start up another game same teams as before just to keep it mutual, he manages to score within the first five minutes.he cheers to himself which makes me smile. I really have to show I mean business and I won't just let him win because he's cute, I tackle his defenders just before they get into my goal line and break way past his centre mid player passing it to my stricker and score and amazing goal. I swear if I could play this well in real life I could be a footballer. The second have breezes by 1 - 1 each not to bad but the second half we both up our anti he scored a few more times and i equalize there's two minutes of extra time which causes me to score my last one just before the game ends "fuck he's just in time"

"Fuck you man", he's smiling though and he looks like he had a good time, we're both calm and in a world of our own. Just at that my mum come into my room wearing her dressing gown and her glasses are at the end of her nose like she'd put them on hastily "Matty love it really is time you should be in bed , tell your friends your going offline now and try get some sleep okay you've got school" I turn in my chair and smile at her before she leaves "sorry mum"

George and I have a good little giggle about it but we know we do need to go to bed. So we turn the game off as we both get settle into bed. Placing my laptop onto my bed next to me and I watch him get back into his getting comfortable and trying to stay warm "I really do wish you were here Georgie". I smile then get comfortable myself

"Me too love , but let's try to sleep again yeh, time for shush now" he moves his hand up to the screen like he's trying to ruffle my hair "good night love"

I smile at his cheesy little action but feel those butterflies in my stomach that people say they get when they like someone "goodnight darlin" I turn off my bedside lamp and really fall asleep this time hoping I do have good dreams.

Chapter 12

Word count 1013

This chapter is just a sweet little filler , slight mention of drugs , angst

Matty's POV

I had to leave the call , I want to spend as much time with George as I can but if he finds out what I did I know he'll just disappear forever and that can't happen. I wasn't planning on it to begin with I swear but I found it in my drawer when I got home I'd forgotten I'd got it from a guy at a party a few weeks back but didn't use it but I just saw it earlier and everything came flooding back after singing that song for George and I thought it would calm me down and it did but now I feel like death.

I hear my phone go off in my pocket, text alert, I'm sat on the bathroom floor again and just open it.

"Are you alright love x" , trust George to care and check up on me like that, he's so lovely what a gem he is. I don't know what to say though because I am alright my brain is empty but I also feel like I could just pass out any minute.

"Just feel a bit dizzy is all Georgie , just trying to settle down a bit , I might just need some sleep x", that might be okay, I can't have him worrying about me not when I'm under the influence because I will just say and that's not right. The light from my phone is the only thing lighting up the room as I didn't turn the light on but even this light is making me feel like I might throw up. So I put it on the floor face down and sit for a bit just drowning out everything around me. I contemplated laying down on the floor it's cool down there. It's weird you know this stuff makes my brain feel so empty and everything just feels light but I also feel like if I move everything I've drank or eaten today is going to come right back up not that it was much. Once I've contemplated life for a bit I get up and make my way back to the comfort of my bed. I'm going to call George back I think I need too I won't sleep if he's not there

"Can I call back now ?" , he texts back immediately

"Go ahead love x" with that I pick up my laptop and call him straight back and get comfy but being sure to be slow with it. He answers and he looks a little stressed

"You okay darlin ?"

"Yeh I'm alright love was just worried about you is all, I know you told me you were alright but I still worry about you", he's in his bed now too all wrapped up and I really hope he hasn't been crying that's what it looks like.

"I didn't upset you did I ?" Im searching his eyes to make it out better. I never meant for this to happen. This was the opposite of what I wanted.

"Nah todays just been weird like you said your tired , I probably am too, do you feel better"

"Not really but if I just lay down I'll be alright, do you wanna try sleep , I know I'll sleep better with your company", I'm still trying to pay full attention so I don't miss anything I can't have him upset, he's my light , I want to keep him that way.

" I'd love that", when he smiles at me his eyes light up and his face fills up blushing like I knew it would. God how did I find this actually Greek god, I can't be this lucky. "Good night love I'm right here if you need me you know don't feel bad if you need to wake me"

"Same to you , I'm always here darlin, sleep tight , sweet dreams", I watch him close his eyes and melt into the duvet, he's so beautiful, This would be something I'd have been up all night talking to Janey about this one guy that I'd found that took my breath away every time I saw them. She's the only one I'd told properly that I may like boys too , we'd have been up all night just talking. So I know she'd love to know she'd be watching down on me right now telling me to sort my shit out and learn to be open.

I take my phone out and text her , this is something I do when I know she'd want to know, knowing I could just speak my mind to her not that I'd get a reply but getting my words out it's like a little diary log.

"Hey JayJay it's been a while since I texted you last , I think the last one was when I'd started having panic attacks, they haven't gotten that much better but I've found someone to help me, he's wonderful if I do say so myself. He's got blonde hair just a little mess on top of his head. Dark eyes , you'd fuckin love, and Jesus Christ his voice is deep as fuck right. He helps me a lot , like I don't know why he wants too but I'm so grateful, I'm sure you and the guys would love him, he's like the missing link we were always looking for. Also I know what you'd say I need to sort my shit out and just cheer up but I'm trying honestly everything is just so hard right now, and don't even come at me okay I'm trying , I went to school ALL day today that's something I haven't done that in at least two weeks according to McDonald and Jamie, but I've done it today and that's all on George I wanna make him proud and happy. I think I might give it a go yanno. Take Shia LaBeoufs advice and just do it , I know you'll like that reference, Lou misses you too kids so confused ay but yeh I hope your doing okay up there lovey and having a party

I love you JayJay ❤️"

Chapter 11

Word count :3411

Mention of weed , mention of death worry and anxiety

The next few chapters are a little deep and angsty so I hope that’s okay I’d also like to mention it might be more enthralling to read this while listening to lost my head or 102

George's POV

(Starts off not long after he sent matty the snap)

I spent the last few hours of school just stressing over what I'd said , it was stupid he's going to think I'm so weird, I'll talk to Adam and Carly about it later one because I don't really know why I never think before I do things it's an impulse thing I guess.

My classes go over in a blur, I don't think I really do any work in any of them. I just spent a lot of time thinking. Adam or Carly aren't in any of my last classes so I message Adam just to let him know I need some advice

"Hey Ad...need some advice bro, gotta talk after"

Adam won't be in his phone he's a nerd but I take the chance anyway because at least he'll know when we leave that I need to talk to him.

When the belle for the end of school comes around I'm waiting outside of Joel's class to walk down too Adams. Carly and Adam like to have time alone on there walks back so it's just Joel and I till then maybe Joel will help a little

"Hey Joe ? Can I ask you something". I'd usually just come right out with it but this seems too difficult to even understand.

"What's up G" , he's not paying much attention he's typing away on his phone like usual, he's always trying to impress some boy no matter what time of day off even whenever he's met them.

"We'll you know , have you ever felt an instant attraction to someone". Even asking it sound bloody stupid but I've said it now so no going back now "like even without knowing them?"

"What do you mean?, like are you talking about one night stands or what?", Joel isn't one for relationships I think he just has a guy a few times and there never seen again

"Joe be serious for a minute not everything is about sex". That is the complete opposite of what most boys my age would say but I need a good talk right now.

"Alright fine , think about it right if your really think you might like the guy and you get fuzzy and cute with them does it really matter how long you've know them?"

"Time doesn't matter me no , but what about if you don't know anything about em". It's never me talking about wanting someone , it's usually Joel fawning over one guy or the next so this situation feels forgein to me

"Just go for it G , learn about him". Joel goes back to his phone he's not a big talker really, if I texted him this whole conversation sure he'd write a bloody novel but when it comes to talking absolutely not.

"Alright fine, thanks" . Adams house is about five minutes from school so we just walk in when we arrive, we've done that since 11 no one stops us. We shout hi to his dad and make our way into his room. He's got a basement room you know like all the kids do in the movies.

"Yo guys", I wave over to Adam and Carly sat on Adam’s bed I then made my way over to the beanbag in the corner and drop my bag beside me and take out my phone for the first time in like three hours I see I have a snap from Matty and I open it immediately gasping and I feel my face flush "nah" , looking around the room I see no one is looking at me there all talking to each other "there's no way"

Shortly after having been staring at the screen for like five minutes the snap long gone I feel a dip in the beanbag , tearing my eyes away from my phone I look up and Carly is sat right next to me

"You doing alright there G, you look like you've just seen a ghost", we all love Carly she's very observant I understand why Adam chased her for years.

"Want the long story or short?", I look at her to judge her reaction , I can't always tell how people will react to what I say.

"Whatever story you want", she taps my knee , it's a comfort thing and she's looking right at me already paying far more attention than Joel did

"Obviously you know about Matty, well earlier we were messing around and I said he was fit and I thought he took offence to it or at least that it made him feel weird but he just told me that apparently I'm fit too , I don't know how to take that", trying not to look at her I pick a spot in the wall and just stare into hoping to glare a whole into it.

"Did you like it?"

"Yeh it felt good but as I've said we know nothing about each other, I'm crazy", the other have tuned in slightly to the conversation and are just giggling at me.

"George you may be crazy but any geezer would be lucky to ave ya mate", Adam chimes in this time, "and really what have you got to lose , I chased Carly for years , just go for it what's the worst that could happen?"

"Thanks guys", picking up Adams Xbox remote I realise why we were here in the first place "so smokes and games yeh!?"

They all agree ecstatically as we all discuss what game we want to play, this is always what takes the longest, what we play it usually ends up with us not even playing and watching a movie instead. Which is exactly what happens this time. We argue over game play for what feels like forever until Carly pipes up and suggest we watch a movie instead, we opt for "Legend". STELLER choice , a movie about real life London gangsters in the 80s it's amazing. We smoke quite a lot too, giddy and hoped up on the day I feel at home and comfortable after a while his mum comes down and gives us some pizza "just take your time with that yeh , I don't want any injuries like last time please lovies", She's referring to the last time I was here we spent the night just drinking and smoking and playing stupid games. There were a few others there so it wasn't as weird but there was one point we're I went to go to take a leak and I lost my balance and broke my wrist falling down the short flight of stairs , It was genuinely really funny. We get caught up in our time just so engrossed by the movie that when it ends we're all high as kites , Carly curled up in Adams lap on the bed , Joel and I on the beanbag wrapped up in one another my hands playing with his hair, we're all best mates and they don't find it weird that Joel and I are still close. Adam has a theory that Joel misses being with me but I think it's just how we are. Once it's all over Adams dad offers to drive me home since it's about 8 o'clock not that late nothing is that wild but I take him up on the offer so I'm home and can talk to Matty, I say goodbye to them all giving them a quick hug and thanking them all again.

I get dropped of by Adams dad around 8:15, walking in the house is strangely still very lively my dad has a few friends over and my mother is cooking for them all and my sisters and playing with my dads friends kids, so before I disappear to my room I say hello to them all as not to be rude and go to see what my mum is cooking. I take some juice out the fridge and pour myself a glass

"Hiya, do you want a hand with that mum?"

"It's alright love, how was your day ?". Always the first thing a parents ask when you get home later than they expected from school.

"It was great , school was school and then we all went round Hanns for dinner", I really hope I don't smell to much of weed but knowing my luck it's well obvious anyway

"Just dinner ?", I'm sure she's trying to get me to tell her we smoked but she'll just lecture me again and I really don't want that right now , I'm in a good way right now a lecture will just ruin that.

"Dinner and a movies that's all Mum", before she has the time to question me more I kiss her cheek and say goodbye making my way upstairs, two steps at a time. The house is a little warmer than I'm used to so I strip my jacket and jumper and quickly change into a hoodie and a pair of Nike shorts, after closing my door and getting my laptop ready, this is all I've wanted to do all day. Just hearing his voice will make me happier than I already am , I send him a quick "hey , I know I've been quite quiet for the last few hours but I'm ready to call if your still down" , while waiting for a reply I pull up YouTube on my laptop and look through YouTube for something to watch to hold my attention while I wait for Matty to reply. I'm half way through a Cam Kirkham video when I hear the reply come from my phone and small message from matty "I hope you had a good day darlin, I'll be ready in five minutes just gotta change x"

I'll let him call me when he's ready so I don't interrupt him, but like he said five minutes later the calling alert comes through my laptop and I accept straight away and wait for his face to appear

"Hey there love", Seeing Matty on my screen just close enough to touch makes me feel lighter than a feather, he looks so cute right now I can just make out that's he's wearing a really fluffy jumper and he's wrapped up in a tiny blanket "you look so cozy there"

"Hey Darlin, it's like I was sat in a solid block of ice all night since I got home but I was doing homework and putting some music together , didn't give myself a minute to change", he laughed after he said but it sounded a bit strained

"How are you doing , like really, like after your class today we didn’t talk much after that." I swear if I could just reach out and touch the screen and swipe that hair out of his face so I could see his eyes I'd do that right now.

"I'm okay, I was a little stressed out after class but I got some time alone so I've been alright, I spoke to Miss Conner's more and spoke a lot more about how I'm feeling , I also started putting together a song I was writing and im so happy about how it's going so im feeling quite okay right now", That was a lot in one go I hope he's not trying to keep it all in and trying to keep me happy

"Can you promise me?", I know that's a really tough thing to promise but I hope he knows he doesn't always have to be okay

"Right now yes I can promise I'm doing alright , just a little drained but I'm okay", He's smiling now and oh my god I can't get enough of that face "I can't promise I'll be okay all the time but right I'm alright, everything is calm my brain is settled and I feel less buzzy"

I'm smiling at his response I hope I can always see him like this , I know full well it won't always be that way like he said but calm Matty is gorgeous,

"Can I show you the track now , feel free to add lyrics to it if you feel like you can!"

"Yes I'd love too", I see him sit up at this , his whole demeanour changes and he looks much more alive then I've seen him since we met "let me hear it!!!"

I rummage around in my pocket looking around for my phone pulling it out , I find the app I've been using and start the track “it's like 5 minutes long so be prepared , I hope you understand the ambiance"

I can see him actually come alive and he's really listening like really listening to it, he's feeling it I can tell, It can be complicated to understand this type of music if your not used it but I know he understands, he knows how he as a person has been feeling and really it's a direct ambiance of that. The track is just playing around my room and it's bringing me so much joy that someone else is hearing it for the first time and enjoying it as much as I do , he's nodding  along like he's actually thinking of lyrics , smiling when he hears a bit he likes. It finishes not long after "So....?"

"George that's fuckin epic....your a legend". This man is 100% gunna be my death but I thank him and ask him if he understand where it's coming from and how I felt when making it.

"It's deep, to begin with it's eary and complex, it's like a story of someone's mentality in my mind someone starts off scared and uncertain juxtaposed with the ending we're they find that happiness and joy in the end", he's seated cross legged on his bed looking like a little kid in the assembly hall , looking smaller than he already seems "I don't think it needs much lyrics either the story is told for itself"

"Thank you honestly , your the first person to hear it so the fact you understand it and like it , is amazing" , I finally flash a smile properly in his direction and I can feel myself blushing like an absolute freak but I can't help it , it's him, he does these things to me "so the lyrics you write do you have any examples you can show me ?"

"Do you really want to hear something I've done ?" , he seems genuinely surprised at this , he immediately jumps up from the bed abandoning the blanket and comes back holding a guitar and guitar pick in between his teeth "I uh this is one of the songs I wrote about Janey before she passed I've wrote at least three for her this was the only one she heard"

He picked up the guitar properly and the cord started filling the room invading my brain in a way I never thought would affect me then he starts singing

"Well we're here , we're at the common again", his voice is so raw and emotional even just the first line , a little messy but amazing all the same "smoked six of the ten fags I only bought an hour ago", of course , the smoker in me understand that a little too much , nervousness and all "she said well ....I like the look of your shoes ....I like the way that your face looks when I'm arguing with you" , this makes me smile because that's always a funny thing, playful arguing with the person you love they always try to be angry but you just can't there face is just the most amazing thing.

He plays for a little longer , the emotion that he's showing while playing is really starting to show, tears rolling down his face as he plays "But on this shirt...Well I found your smell... I just sat there for ages...Contemplating what to do with myself" , man he must be heartbroken right now , I can't say I really understand everything that he's going through but losing any of my friends would honestly ruin me. As he finishes the quiver in his voice becomes more prominent after he places the guitar down on the bed he lets the tears fall wiping them violently from his face, sniffling he brings his hands to his face crying into them

"Matty love, that was so beautiful" , I didn't get a response for a while I don't really expect to either I just needed him to know that I was amazing. "You so talented I swear"

He's sat crying for another five minutes but it was the most heart wrenching five minutes I've felt in a while, I just want to take all his pain away. He disappears after a while presumably to clean himself up, but when he does come back he has a joint in one hand and a mug of what I guess is coffee in the other.

"Sorry, I haven't sang that in a while , I forgot that it did that to me", He ignites his joint taking a deep inhaled drag swiftly followed by a big sip of coffee and he makes as face as the two tastes mix "Shit"

"You don't have to apologise it was an amazing piece, well done to you, you really did feel deeply for her ",Here I go probably putting my foot in my mouth but hey ho.

"I did, like so much G", Another long drag of the joint comes again , his looking a lot redder then normal, and like I know that he's smoking and been crying but I've seen both there never usually this red.

"Are you okay Matty, your eyes look really red", He's looking at me but it really looking you know its like no-one is home, the lights aren't even on, he's so spaced. "Like more than I've seen in you before"

"Yeah I'm fine, they don't feel any different, I'm maybe just high", It seems a little odd, and I'm not loving the feeling my stomach is guessing so I don't want to push my luck.

"I'll be grand soon enough G don't worry", he lays down and places his laptop next to him "its just been a busy day , I'm just a little tired"

i let him rest for a bit were basically sat there for what I want to say was 20 minutes at least I know for a fact he's never been quiet for for this long, I've just been fidgeting with my hands the whole time but he's been lying there staring at the ceiling with his hands resting on his stomach and i soon hear him mumbling to himself i cant quite make it out

"Sorry love?, what was that?"

"I was just playing with some lyrics for your track , I don't think it should be too much said maybe just a little something"

"Oh what were you thinking", I sit upright again fully paying attention to him not that he can see because he's so far in space he's on bloody Venus, I don't really know what's going on with him but its alright for now

"and he said I've lost my head, can you see it? , can you see it?, and then maybe a few line's after that then repeat, simple but it gets the message across.

"That is amazing, maybe the bit after that can be something about how you feel when your out of your depth",

"well if that's what you really want and really do like it maybe it could be , Bellyaches when you in bed can you feel it can you feel it?, i always have a stomach ache when I'm feeling uncertain and lost"

"That's beautiful, but do you really feel like that, like your losing everything in you other than the pain?"

He throws his eyes in the direction of the screen, then back to the ceiling ,sitting up quickly

"yes , all the time" I see him shift to the edge of the bed and his hand is covering his eyes and he looks a little wobbly "Sorry I just got really dizzy, can I call you back". before I have time to reply i see the swiftest movement of ending the call and slightly running off.

"Okay"

Chapter 10

Word count 2043

I know I said yesterday I’d only post a chapter a day but there’s no point leaving it when I’ve written a lot I’ll just post what I have and then update it when there’s an update ready

I hope everyone likes it so far there’s not really much trigger warnings for this one

Matty's POV

3 o'clock rolls around well quicker than I thought it would, I catch myself packing up and then Miss Conner's walks in holding a million folders and papers

"Would you like some help there miss ?"

"I've got it Matty , but thank you." She ends up placing the pile on the desk in-front of her and sits herself down at her computer "So Matty, have you had any other though about what might be causing you too feel like you need to escape!?".

Placing my rucksack back onto the floor I slouch back into the chair and start biting the skin around my nails "there's a lot really" this doesn't come out as confident as I felt it would , it was more of a mumble then anything else.

"Sorry?"

"I just said there's alot of things really that are bugging me", I pull my blazer around me tighter so I feel warmer "it's just a lot of anxiety about stuff I think"

"About anything in particular?"

"Just everything at this point, school , home , what I'm going do after school like I know what I want to do but I don't know if it's ever gunna happen", I'm talking with my hands being a little over dramatic my words as this is the only way I can concentrate right now.

"Is there anything that's upsetting you the most or giving you the most anxiety" , She's typing on her computer probably taking notes on this conversation for the school counsellor

"I don't really know what's bothering me most , it's just everything is changing, anytime anything gets to loud or something I just get overwhelmed and my ead start spinning it's like a constant ead ache", my heads in my hands again, I'm stressing even thinking about it, it hate all of this.

"So is it always just noise or is there other things that make you feel that way?"

"I don't know maybe crowds and when things get to much and I try to do a lot at once that kinda makes me ill."I'm resting my elbows on my knee at this point basically talking to the ground my leg is bouncing and I'm racking my hands together

"Does this usually happen when you get on edge or anxious", she's gesturing to what I'm doing

"Maybe , but I feel like it's something I've always done". Trying to make a conscious effort to not do it it's makes it arguably worse.

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about right now?, is there anything you think would help with it?"

"My fiends are helping and my mum knows so she understands and she's trying her best to voice my opinions in a way I never knew I needed"

"Is that all you need" looking around I'm trying to think of anything else I might need but there's not really anything I can think of right now I just want everything to feel right.

"I don't think so, can I go now?, I've got stuff to do"

Smiling at me she checks the time and the end of school is approaching "yes , that will do for now, but I'll be having another catch up soon."

At that I thank her , pick up my rucksack and leave making my way down to the front gate to wait for Ross and Jamie. Sticking my headphones in , I scuff up the walls until the bell goes to let everyone out, George hasn't messaged back since out last conversation , I decide I'm gunna do something wild I open my phone and message him again.

"Your fit too" , I send the message with a picture of myself and I'm smiling my cheeks are red from the blush that overcame me when I wrote the reply. Risky again I'm not gay but he's different

The bell goes only a couple seconds after and just stuff my hands in my pocket along with my phone and just wait for them to come down. Shivering because although its May it's still freezing and I didn't bring a jacket. Once the majority of the school is out Ross and Jamie come sauntering down the path.

"Guys come on we ain't got all day", jumping around bouncing from each foot to keep my body heat up . When the boys reach me I notice Jamie isn't even wearing his jacket so I quickly steal it from him as he's always warm so I know it'll keep me warm.

"Oy Healy , what you doing?" . He starts running after me but I'm as quick as a fuckin race horse so I'm off in a flash

"Just cold out innit". I pull his jacket around me and get cosy, I can't remember the last time I felt someone else's body heat who wasn't my family, other than a quick pat on the back or arm round my shoulder. It's nice , in saying that I can't remember the last time I was able to get body heat I don't let people in anymore really. "It's warm can I have it till I get home, I'll bring it back tomorrow?"

"Don't you ave your own jacket Matty". He doesn't come back for it , he wasn't really bothered anyway "You can ave it for now, just remember to give it back"

"Thank you"

"What you doing tonight Matty ?", he's probably inkling to playing online with me once he's finished work which I'd be down for.

"Nothing tonight , I'll be calling George later , but if you wanna go online later I'm down". The town is quiet for this time of day most of the kids arent wandering around like usual , the sky was pretty ,blue and grey but also looked like it might rain later. I like rain it's peaceful

"Yo Matty!!!" , I'm startled out of my trance by Rosses voice

"Sorry what ?". There both just stood looking at me. Like I'd missed something

"I said are you and George going steady" he winked at me like the pest that he is

"What are you talking about"

"I'm just kidding man"

"No serious though, I know you guys tell me everything so I know the answer anyway but have you guys ever met a guy and they've made you think you might not just like girls."I slow my walking down a bit so they could catch up with me because I really need to talk about this right now and I'd rather it not be shouted to the entire street

"What do you mean?". Just two and a half straight men walking about Manchester talking about men is not how I saw my Tuesday going

"I don't really know what I'm talking about, just asking if you've ever questioned if you were straight really". I don't really look at them while we walk just in case there looking at me like I'm a mad man

"Not me no , but I know McDonald here has a big man crush on a guy in 6th form". He shoves Ross into a fence next to us playfully then Ross comes running after him. I'm just trying to stay out the way but still laughing

"DONT TALK SHIT SQUIRE", Ross has somehow managed to get Jamie into a headlock and got him trapped

"Bro I ain't talking shit , I've seen the way you look at him." After struggling out of his hold Jamie comes back to me and wraps his arm around my shoulder "What we're you thinking about anyway Healy , what's got ya brain muddled or who should I say ?"

"Just asking really that's all" , I can't be telling them anything yet they'll just be taking everything way out of context and I'm not even sure myself.

"Have you got a thing for a lad like Matty?", Ross has joined us again after sorting himself out "we wouldn't judge you, you know , really we kinda thought you might be at least Bi?"

"I'm just voicing things man honestly , like I've never been with a guy , may have had a few turn my head but I didn't know if it was just a hormone thing or general curiosity or what"

"Would it really be any different though at the end of the day right , if your in a dark room and someone goes down on you would you really know the difference anyway!?" . Ever the philosopher is our Jamie

"I wouldn't mind that's all I'm saying". I try shrugging it off like it's no big deal but really if it wasn't a big deal it would be much easier to just say it "I'm just saying would it really matter , like if I might have a small thing for someone who wasn't a girl , like it's not all men it's just this one guy , there just different, what would that mean ?"

"We'll just give it a go lad , if you never shot you never know right", Using our own lyrics against me is just the right way to go , Ross has always got a way of helping me understand things "and it wouldn't matter to us"

"Thanks guys, I knew you'd help" we have now arrived at Jamie's house we watch him walk in so he's not mugged right at his front door , and we make our way to Ross' which isn't far from mine. I love Jamie but Ross is a lot better in these situations

"Honestly Matty , you know if you like a guy it's not a big deal I'd say go for it", Ross is my best mate we've been friends for years and he always knows what to say he's rummaging around in his pocket probably for gum before he goes home so I pass him mine

"So the guy in 6th form what's he like then ?" , I don't feel like I've spoken to him much recently so I never really knew about the guy "what's his name?"

"It's not really a thing we're friends he's in my Biochem class , but his names John and Jamie's not wrong I do find him really interesting , but it's just a little different to what I'm used too"

"I understand that", this makes me laugh quite a bit this is not how I saw things going. This is just not how things were with us

"So your guy , is it George?, I won't tell Jay it can just be our thing for now"

"I don't know anything about all of it right now , like hell he's attractive but I don't know all that much about him ?", Talking about him makes me blush even at the thought of him and I'm smiling

Ross must have noticed it "He must be attractive if he's making the mighty Matty blush , your like a little diva when it comes to finding relationships"

"Right the thing about that is , I fuck up like a lot so I tend to keep relationships online or to that extent and I just never really see them , I've found plenty of people attractive"

"I mean that's fair, why do you feel the need to keep people pushed away , I don't mean us guys and your family but like say when you meet people your just always sure your gunna mess up so you don't even let them be close". He stops for a second really asking the question, really thinking about what to say

"I don't know Ross , like you said I always just think I'll mess up so if I keep them at bay there not gunna be upset when I inevitably do mess up they won't care". Really thinking about it I've never very often been with people from around here , online relationships are just easier to deal with and when I mess up they don't feel that upset as it would if I messed up right in front of them.

"You know your far cooler and understanding than you let yourself believe just give yourself a try Matty honestly your an amazing guy trust me". Hugging me close before he goes into his , leaving me with his words of wisdom for the day "see ya later Matty"

"See ya Rosso" . I spend the rest of the journey home it's only about five minutes just thinking about what he said.

Chapter 9

Word count :4221

Warnings : school 😂🙄 , slight panic attacks , mention of illness

Matty's POV

German is alright actually the class is full and sitting with everyone is still making me feel tetchy and on edge but at least Jamie is here with me so I'm a little calmer. He's not really talking to me as he's paying attention for being the complete opposite of nerd and teachers pet in this class he excels and actually listens so I let him do his thing. I feel a like I might be okay if I just try to ignore the fact that the classroom is packed. I think that's what's been setting me off recently the fact that people can actually see me losing my mind and it was getting harder to control. I hate that people can see what's actually going on. The sincerity of situations sometimes scares me. Once upon a time I used to be so out there that people watching me doing anything never used to be an issue but the last six months things have changed and I don't really understand why. The room starts to get a little louder as people start to get on with the task. This causes my brain to start spinning again but I'm going to deal with it looking at the questions my eyes lose focus a little I shake my head and rubs my eyes and try to get back to it but my head ends up in my heads about 3 questions in Jamie spots this and gives me a little nudge on the shoulder "dude are you good?."

I look at him and squint to see him right the lights are brighter than I originally felt they were but I shrug him off "Yeh , yeh I'm alright it's just a little loud in here"

"Are you sure that's all, do you need to go back to Miss Conner's?"

I scoff , I wasn't trying to convey that I didn't appreciate the concern but I hate that people are seeing me as fragile "Nah Jay it's okay it's just loud don't worry about it". I stick my hand up and ask Mr Reeves if I can put my headphones in which he reluctantly agrees to with this a little relief washes over me and I put them in and pick and calming playlist. Bach not my usual listening material but I'm sure It'll keep me calm, I start making my way back through the questions answering them with ease. I get to the last question it's the essay portion of the exercise, I've got to write about my family in fluent German again that's easy, My dads been teaching me German since I was 4. I've recently been teaching Lou.

In the moment a message comes through from my mum "How are you doing today love?" , I contemplated not answering until lunch but she'll just worry

"I'm doing alright Ma , I'm in class right now actually , I didn't go into Maths I just did it in Miss Conner's office that was pretty good actually but I'm in class doing okay x"

I decide to message George again since my phone is out and I'm slightly bored now. I snap a picture not to dissimilar from before my hands are running through my hair and I'm smiling "Class is going okay, I nearly had a minute but I managed to take hold of it x". He's slowly becoming a lifeline at this point so long as he knows I'm okay and I'm doing okay for him then I'm happy.

I place my phone back on the table and finish my essay, I'm getting a little restless it's just boredom though so I ask Mr Reeves if I can quickly go to the bathroom. He lets me go under the pretence that I be sure to show him my progress on my work when I get back which is fine because it's basically done. I wander around the school a few times just making notes of how quiet the hallway is right now since everyone is in class. This is peaceful and I really enjoy the quiet. I think about going for a smoke as I haven't really had much smokes today. I took my way outside and quickly light up letting the nicotine flew through my body and I relax even more as bird fly around me and the only sound I hear is the occasional car driving in and out of the car park. I quickly make it through my cig and make my way back to class , sliding back into my seat but Mr Reeves spots me "Matthew you've been gone for fifteen minutes, where have you been ?".

"I just needed a minute to compose myself sorry Sir, I should have said" . I sit back down at my desk and finish up what I was writing. I'm sure all my teacher have been made aware of my hiccup yesterday "Right once you've finished that I'd like to see it and I would like to have a chat outside if you may". I finish up not long after and make my way over to his desk "i finished it , it's not my best but it's done" . This is always the awkward stage we're they look over you work and you just stand there like a spare part before you get there verdict. "Very well , can I see you outside please , don't worry your in no trouble". I sigh a sigh of relief and follow him outside . Once we're outside of the room I rest against the wall and scuff my shoes against the ground as he talks.

"Okay, I understand your having a bit of a rough time right now but rather than making up excuses to leave next time all you have to do is tell me that you need some time alone and I'll let you out to have a silent moment"

I look at him now still scuffing shoes against the carpet it's a terrible noise that goes right through me but it's just a habit at this point "again I'm sorry sir, I just didn't know how or what to say, I'll be sure to let you know next-time"

"Righty-o , next all I need to ask , for the actual exam do you think you might need to be in a different room to do it or would you like to be in with everyone else , I don't know if I'm the first to be asking but I know all your other teachers have been emailed and asked to ask you."

"I haven't really thought about it really , I should be okay with it. I'll try to sort my self out before the exams I promise but If I change my mind I'll be sure to let you know ahead of time." I hate that everyone is treating me like I could break at any minute but I know I also need to be honest it'll help in the long run I guess.

"Okay that's grand thank you very much back in you go you've got ten minutes till we're done if you don't want to sit in then it's okay to just go to the canteen but it's your choice"

"I think I'll be fine sir , it's ten minutes honestly it's all good" . We go back inside and when I get back to my chair Jamie is obviously itching to ask what that was about

"Sir was just asking if I needed any extra help with the exams and whatnot" . I see I have a message from my Mum and George but try to continue with my conversation with Jamie but I know I just want to check them.

"Hey that's cool , what did you say?"

"I said not for right now but if it changes I'll let someone know". I pick up my phone seconds after saying this. I open George's message first. It's a snap of him outside with his friends again or who I'd assume to be his friends here all huddled in a small corner and one boy has his arm around a girl and kissing the side of her head and there's another blonde boy there he's quite tall but not as tall as George and his eyes are bright blue none of them are wearing what I'd say was a uniform more just like school colours. It's captioned "I'm so proud you managed the class , you may have had a small hiccup but you worked it out and that's great , the guys say hi by the way"

That's makes me smile I guess he's spoken about me to them which leaves a small twinkle inside me and my checks redden at the fact that he's says he's proud of me. I snap a picture with my fingers crossed again. "I bet you were just hoping for me ay; my lucky charm , tell em I said hi back."

Like clock work literally the bell chimes bang on one o'clock and everyone starts piling out of the room and make a mad rush to the door. I wait till everyone is out then make my way out with Jamie's hand resting on the small of my back , it's a protective "older brother" thing. He's a few months older than me it's been a thing he's done since year 7 so I'm used to it at this point it makes me feel safer I suppose. The minute I walk into the canteen the noise is the first thing that overwhelms me stopping me in my tracks. Jamie's pauses with me "you okay mate?"

I glare at him for a second but then decide there's no point in trying to even lie right now "yeh, um , actually, I'll just go wait outside if you wanna go find Ross and get what you guys want I'll meet you out back" he rubs my back before he wanders off looking back at me "okay bro we won't be to long okay?" Then makes his way into the crowd of kids waiting for there lunch. I walk in the other direction trying to get to the back doors as quick as humanly possible. I hate noise I don't know where that has come from but recently any type of loud noise , grating sounds or repetitiveness has just really made me skittish and I don't really understand why but I have every feeling I'll figure it out. Once I'm outside and hidden away at the bottom of the field I pull my phone out along with a zoot and pull up George's name and having a little thought to myself and quickly change his name in my phone to "My lucky charm" cheesy and a little weird maybe but it makes me smile and I open up his latest message.

"I'll be anything you need me to be just so long as you feel good, I hope your eating lunch or at least something, but I am super proud you managed a class I know you said earlier you might struggle going to your last class but do you think it might be worth trying?"

This man really knows how to get me in my feels I take a picture of my zoot and my shoes yanno like all the stoners do on there private stories and reply after really thinking "I'll eat my other cereal bar, I might ask Jamie or Ross to get me something from the canteen before we go back to class , my last class is physics tho so I may only be there five minutes but I'll try just for you". That just for you might push some boundaries or make him feel a little weird but it's not my intention

I get a reply instantly he's still in his small corner I feel like it's pretty much like us all huddled in the corner of the field we're we smoke all schools have there places I suppose but the blonde kid from before is sat in his lap my heart sinks but I don't really know why . I don't know a lot these days if im honest. "We'll you know we're I am if you need to talk about it right ?, and maybe rather than sending you the song would you like to call again tonight so I can show you it "in person", I''m going to Adam's for a little while with the guys but I'll let you know when I'm home"

I just reply through normal messages this time taking pictures sometimes just is futile to me when I can convey how I feel just through words "I'll be sure to let you know the minute I need anything don't worry, AND YEH SHRE THAT WOULD BE AMAZING". As I send that away Ross and Jamie come running over to me and plonk themselves down on the grass in front of me "hey bro", Ross is always just simple and sweet always to the point

"Alright Rosso?" I hand them my lighter when they pull out there joints and start hastily looking around for one they never seem to have

"Cheers mate" Jamie takes it and lights up before passing it to Ross who also lights up

"Yeh I'm alright , how are you doing Jay said you managed German".

"Yeh dude it's was fine , but it's just a class I don't know why everyone is so mega impressed I've been doing school for like 12 years now, it's a normal thing". Again here comes the self depreciation and loathing it's never really good to dwell on my achievements if that's what you'd call them

"Bro I don't know if you've noticed the only class you've done properly in two weeks has been English you haven't attended a full class except English in two weeks , so really I think it is an achievement". Ross always knows how to put things into perspective. "That is true mate you've either skipped or not been in class the whole lesson for days bro" . Jamie not to much

"We'll alright , it's just some classes mess with my head and make me crazy that's all. It's nothing to write to the newspapers about", I rub my temples waiting for my headache that started as I walked into the canteen to dissipate because I really don't feel like dealing with this right now it's been a good day I don't want a headache to ruin it "Ross mate have you got anymore pain killers ?". The suns in my eyes I swear it never used to be this bright but Jesus I'm squinting again. "Are you sure that's a good idea having been smoking".Always the levelheaded is Ross

"Where are your glasses mate you brung em with you yesterday but I didn't see you wearing them and your not wearing them now, they might be contributing to your headaches". I know he's probably right but they just make everything even brighter and stark

"I know I probably should be wearing them but there just really irritating my eyes, but honestly I'll be fine the weed and the painkillers will help I'm sure they will even if it's just one, I just need it to go away before next class or there's not a single chance in me sitting in there". I try to block my eyes from the sun so it's not so bright and look at Ross pleading with him.

"Alright fine but one because I don't know how well they mix I don't want you throwing up on us again okay?". He hands me the pill and throws over his water i thanks him and neck it hopefully it's fast-acting

"Also here have this". Jamie throws me over a bag of crisps I also thank him and starts digging into them. It might be the fact I'm highly delusional right now or I just haven't eaten much in hot minute but these are amazing.

"So how you feeling like honestly feeling right now mate?" Jamie pipes up after a good solid five minutes of silence as we all eat and drag out joints out as long as possible

"I don't know how ready I am for physics if I'm honest but I spoke to George and I said I'd try". I finish with my crisps and just shove the empty packet into my blazer pocket and will dispose of later when we go back inside.

"George ??". Shit I forgot they don't know about George, I haven't actually said his name until now.

"Oh uh yeh George , he's the guy I was telling Ross about I met him online the other day and he's been tryna keep me right and out of my head". They look at me now a bit bemused "what?"

"You Matthew Timothy Healy are you trying to tell us that your actually letting someone help you". Ross chimes in with a mouthful of crisps himself.

"He's nice, but hey I let you guys help I'm just used to you guys ain't I , he's new and he doesn't fully get me yet".

"Alright alright , settle down , so you told him you'd try what does that mean exactly?"

"That I'll go but if I don't want to be in there I'll ask if I can go sit with Miss Conner's again don't worry I won't leave I'll still walk you guys home today" . I cross my heart for added affect and dramatisation.

"Alright then but you know you don't have to right?". Ross is looking at me all serious now "like don't force yourself to stay in the lesson"

"I'll be fine, I know what I'm doing" I give them both a hopeful smile and a big thumbs up mainly to convince myself more than them but it's alright. Just then the bell goes off as we all run back down to the top end off the field and inside so we don't get locked out. This door always gets locked on during class so people don't leave but they forget there are other doors. We say our goodbyes and I make my way to physics my heart evidently throwing itself out of my chest before I even enter the room but I push through. I sit down and my table and shove my rucksack under it and wait for everyone to arrive. The volume starts to rise almost instantly as everyone is hyped after lunch and ready to start the lesson. This already is not feeling like a win. I send George the fingers crossed emoji just a quick little reminder to know I'm thinking about him and letting him know that I know he's there if I need him. Mrs Alaric makes her way in and ask us all to settle down as we have an experiment to take part in today and that she needs us all to listen, I feel my chest start to heave slightly as experiments always make everyone loud and bunsin burner smell really sets my teeth on edge but I let her explain before I decide what I'm doing.

She's spends at least half of the lesson describing the experiment and we all note down the information and how we think it will end there are two boys across the other-side of the room messing around and the constant shouting is really doing my head in but alas Mrs Alaric separates them and then she asks us to pair up and start the experiment and that's when it all goes to shit for lack of a better word really. Everyone gets up there chairs scraping against the vinyl flooring which goes right through me and then everyone starts chatting and working around me. I try to start collecting all the equipment but there's people everywhere and there loud and I keep getting knocked into people. So I sit down and cover my ears with my hands and close my eyes hoping to drown everything out. Mrs Alaric comes over to me and taps me on the shoulder startling me

"Are you okay Matthew would you like a minute outside". I take a minute to look at her she does look mildly concerned I wish this feeling of dread and uncertainty would just fuck off honestly man.

"Can I just go see Miss Conner's"

"Let me page her and let her know once I know she knows your coming I'll let you go okay ?" Alright she taps me on the shoulder again and turns to the class to give them there next instruction standing next to me the whole time then pages for Miss Conner's to come get me

I close my eyes again and just rest my head on the desk, the desk is cold and it's kinda nice you know after a few minutes there's knock at the door looking up I see that's it's Miss Conner's and I have never packed my bag and left a room as quick as I did then.

"Alright Matty?" We start the trek back to her office. My second home at this rate. My head is still rattling the pain killers didn't help at all .

"I tried but it's to loud my brain felt like it was gunna burst out my skull". My chest is still heaving and I'm still finding it difficult to breath but I'm slowly calming down and it's completely back to normal once we reach her office. She sets me down and lets me get settled. I pull my phone out just to let George know what's going on I did tell him I'd keep him updated. "We'll that's went as well as I'd pictured". I place my phone back onto the table and take out my notebook .

"I haven't got any work for you to do as of just yet so just catch up on anything you need to get done, I've got a meeting I need to attend to will you be alright in here by yourself" . She checks her watch as if keeping an eye on the time

"Yeh it's quiet in here I'll be fine". I send a smile her way hoping to convey what I need it too.

"Alright we'll Mr Cahills office is just next door if you need anything please ask him and I'll be back at 3 and we can have another little chat before you go is that okay"

"Yeh that's okay , thank you Miss" . She then leaves and it gives me a second to just think on my own my screen lights up with George's contact and I scramble to pick it up

"What happened are you okay" he sent it with a picture of his class looking like there playing football and he's just off to the side.

"It was just to loud and too crowded and my brain was gunna explode so I came back to Miss Conner's office". My notebook is just full of lyrics and unfinished songs. There's a few that are complete but there not all the good really to me anyway.

George's replies within seconds "we'll at least you know you've got Miss Conner's to keep you right and I'm glad you came to me"

"We'll I did say I'd keep you informed , also I thought you were on the football team, why aren't you playing"

"I really couldn't arsed today honestly, I'm sooo ready to go home" . A smile creeps onto my face because damn do I get it. I'm so over today and I'm so bloody tired and I don't even feel like I've done anything. "That's understandable"

"Yeh and my teacher is a colossal knob anyway" he's sat there on the gym floor wearing the school gym uniform and to me it's so funny I don't know why but seeing George falling under rules is really funny

"Your really rocking that uniform lad 😂"

"Some can say the same about you "lad" he's smiling in this one his chocolate brown eyes glimmering in the florecent light

"Mate I'm actually fit as fuck right fighting the girls off left right and centre. I don't know about you but I think I rock this uniform quite grandly actually" I'm really not but you know got to raise the stakes push the boundaries

"I mean I get it, your a handsome lad anyone would be lucky to ave ya" . My cheeks start to heat up , does he really think I'm handsome or is he just being nice , I've never really been seen like that by a guy to my knowledge anyway. Some guys are very pretty but I don't see myself as one of them no I'm not gay.

"You really think so !"

"Yeh bro honestly your fit 😉"

It takes me a second to reply because this has just slightly shifted the mood and I don't really know what to do with it. It must take a little longer to reply to him than I thought because he send another message

"Sorry if that's weird"

I rush to reply hoping he doesn't feel bad or hurt "no , no it's alright". I put my phone down for a second just to work on my lyrics for a second and to really get this demo together for Mr Hardy I might be able to practise with the boys later.

Chapter 8

Word count : 3793

This is also from George’s POV , this chapter took so long to put together and it was really hard to find the right things to say at points but I think this might be one of my favourites

George's POV

I woke up multiple time that night and into the early morning maybe it was a subconscious effort I was making to be there for Matty if he woke because I know he really needed someone to rely on. I can do that right, others have done it for me. It can't be that hard. What time is it, I looked over to my Alarm clock that was blinking violently at me letting me know that it was only 3:15, Damn that's far to early to be thinking so deeply about anything yet. Do I have a joint to calm me down?, Yes I think maybe I might. After rolling the joint I saunter over to my window to watch the quiet London suburb come to life. The street lights were dimming and the sunrise was a coccofany of oranges and pinks bleeding together looking like a real life Claude Monet painting spilling from the early morning sky. The amount of sunrise pictures I actually ave collected on my phone over the last few years is wild. I'd send them to Laura my exgirlfriend in the mornings when she's had a rough day, Maybe Matty would like that . I pick up my phone from the bedside table and quickly snap a pick and send it to him with a little note of.

"I hope this makes you smile."

I don't know if he would even enjoy it but I'd like to hope it would help.Once I've exhausted all the fumes from the joint my brain feels more clear so I think I'll try to get a little more sleep.

4 hours would be just grand.

The next time I am woken by my alarm going off right next to and quite frankly scaring me half to death. Blinking awake I realise Matty's call is no longer connected. That a little disappointing but I really hope I made his night somewhat better.

Anyway it's time to get up now I guess. On my way to the bathroom I knock on my sisters door to make sure there awake and to make them aware I have first dips on the shower. "By Christ it's cold in here". The bathroom is even colder than my bedroom, I swear this house is actually a fucking igloo sometimes. I turn the shower on and wait for the steam to envelope the room before stepping in the heat of the shower really relaxing my stiff muscles.

I had time to think in the shower about how to understand Matty's issues and how to help him. I think people always have there best thoughts and ideas in showers it's the calmness of it all. The calm before the storm of the day if you please.

Once I'm out it's now warm in the room the steam sticking to me so I quickly get dressed so I don't suffocate in the heat and then open the window to defuse the room. Leaving the room back into my bedroom I set my bag up again for the day and finally pick up my phone to see any message I had a few from Adam and a Snapchat from Matty I sit down on my bed and open it, it's just him layed in bed smiling "damn the colours in the sunrise." Ay he liked it, I reply back "Good morning love". I know I probably shouldn't be getting to attached to someone I barley even know but I want to help the most I can and showing you care helps right?. I don't have to leave for at least another half hour so I take out my laptop and start muddeling through some mixes I have to see if I can make a good track just to occupy my mind. Then at that Matty replies he's now in his uniform he's looking pale still but at least a little more put together than yesterday "g'morning G" along with a song attached "The Rock Show" by Blink-182 that's not a bad song not the best but maybe there's a reason he picked that or maybe it's just a song he likes. I reply back showing him I'm all ready for school "oh look at you school ready , also that's a classic tune bro" . This track just won't flow it doesn't even have a name but maybe I'll get there soon I've got two weeks before I have to turn it in I'm sure I'll get there it's a lot of sounds and noises really nothing mixed properly yet music production is what I want to do one day so hopefully I can pull this off. After another ten minutes the track begins to annoy me so I stick my laptop in my rucksack and just decide to leave a little early to see Adam and Joe. Matty messages back while on my walk he's also outside he's got a joint in his hand and he's actually smiling "yeh man it's a get up and go song you know, but anyway yeh I look ready for school but can't say I'm mentally prepared in all honesty". Here we go I can be a knight in sighting armour for him. "How you feeling today?."

His reply comes almost immediately "I'm not gunna sit here and lie and say I feel on top of the world or even good yet but having someone watch over me last night felt good, thank you man"

"Anymore sickness this morning, Are you sure you should be going in today." I'm waiting at the bus stop now with a bunch of other kids one of them knows Laura so sits there sending me evils the whole time like it was my fault we split but really it wasn't I stick in my headphones and drown out the world while I wait for the bus. Matty's reply come through just as the bus turns round the corner

"I haven't been sick yet but I've got maths first, I'm just doing it with my head of year this morning rather than in the actual class but my stomach and head are still swimming , I should be okay though."

"Can you promise you'll keep me updated on how your feeling today and if you do get sick let me know , I know there's not really anything I can do but I just feel the need to look after you"

"That's great but I can look after myself I don't want to stress you, but I will tell you if I get worse"

I board the bus after showing the driver my bus card and make my way to the back shoving my large frame into the very corner, hiding myself away from other people who may board. I watch the world fly by around me, the school is a twenty minute ride away it gives me time to message Adam realising I'd never actually replied.

"Where we're you last night man"

"Are you coming to school"

I totally forgot I had said I was going to Adams last night

"Yo dude I am so sorry I got caught up with something last night I really am sorry I'll come over tonight if that's okay, and yeh I'm on the bus now, I'm sorry again"

"Bro you weren't seriously up all night trying to get Laura back we're you we've been over this"

"No I wasn't , I haven't spoke to her in like 2 days bro"

Adam is always so quick with replies I don't know how he does it.

"Then what we're you doing"

"I was just helping a friend, they were having a tough night so I was hanging with them to calm them down ."

Mid way through the conversation with Adam another snap from Matty come through so I click through my home screen and select Snapchat opening Matty's message it's just him in his head of years office I'd assume and he already looks done with it. I snap back with a laugh "you already finished with it bro ? How longs it been 5 minutes"

He replies immediately but I miss it as I start to get my stuff together to get back off the bus and meet Adam at the front gates where I always meet him.

He's stood there with his new girlfriend and Joel, Adam is the most mature of us guys he knew how to treat people right , he was the smartest and he just understood people , maybe he could help me understand Matty emotionally.I wave once I get off the bus so I can grab his attention we nod at one other and Joel comes running over grappling me into his arms "Adam was just telling us you were up all night chatting up some new fling" . Joel was the gossip.

"I never said that, I was helping a friend, how is that chatting up a new fling?" I put quote marks up when I said "new fling" because I don't thing I even had an old fling I've only ever been with two people Laura and Joel himself yeh im bisexual. We were young though so we didn't really know anything we kissed a few times and we held hands and did cute stuff together but we didn't know anything but hey he was cute but things were different with Laura I knew what to do and how to do it and I always went through with stuff and played the motions but I can't really say I enjoyed it that much like yeh I loved her and we dated for quite some time but if I really think about it I didn't like her sexual. I loved her but as a friend I suppose I just thought it was different because she was the only girl who's ever shown me any attention.

We make our way to the building we all had music first thing so we made our way there all messing about and shoving each other around as we spoke Adam and Joel sat next to each other and I sat next to Carly Adams new girl, he'd been pinning over her for months, maybe even years I'm so happy he finally got the balls to ask her.

When we sit down Adam and Joel get caught up in a conversation about the new guitar Adam just bought and Carly turns to me "So the new imagery friend are they cute?"

"Um ....he really is only a friend he's having a really hard time and I've only known I'm like 42 hours maybe not even that there's no way I'd be looking at him in that way". I feel myself blush anyway because although we haven't known each other long I can still appreciate when someone is attractive "but uh yeh if your asking he's actually so attractive but I don't even know if he's gay". I scratch the back of my head and fidget in my chair a little as she's still looking at me "but I'm really just helping him get over whatever is bothering him"

"But would you like to get to know him and maybe like be in his life as more than just someone who helps him?"

"Maybe once he's better I'd love to see where the friendship take us". While talking about him I realise I hadn't noticed a reply for a while so I pick up my phone to check and yes there it is a message sent ten minutes ago I open it to see his face his eyes are bright and he's pulling on a single curl pulling it though his hand "I'm just bored is all , Miss Conner's isn't here yet, but I was just thinking about taking up that offer of you made me about helping with my maths GCSE". I start smiling at the fact that he was thinking about me, then set myself straight that he was only remembering a conversation we had but just as I'm about to reply Carly taps me "hey let me see" . I turn my phone toward her so she can see him and I'm smiling at her "wow he really is pretty"

"Yeh" I turn my phone back to myself and reply with just a message saying that I'd very much be down to help him whenever he needed it and put a small kiss after it just to test my luck and shove my phone back in my pocket because if he's going to be with his head of year all day he won't be allowed much time to reply and just with the my teacher walks in Mr Gardner the coolest teacher one could ever have. He's always helped me a little more than others I guess and he's always said he sees me going places. I've brung him a few demos over the last few years. He starts talking about todays lesson. He's really just giving us extra time to prepare our new mixes. I roll my eyes and sigh because this new demo has just had me defeated for a few days now and I just can't get it right. But he only speak for about ten minutes and let's us get on with our respective challenges this is when I turn back to Carly "Hey do you think you or Adam would be able to give me some advice, maybe you because you might be more sensitive about it with you being a girl and all"

"Sure what's up " she's still tapping away on her laptop while she's talking to me , very much engrossed in the work she's doing.

"We'll uh Matty that's the name of the guy I'm talking to is having a really tough time from what I can gather and he's been ill , I haven't witnessed them but he's cried a lot so he's possibly having panic attacks don't quote me on that , he's thrown up like 3 times in the space I've known him , he's so lost in his own head and I don't know how to help him"

"We'll do you know what's bothering him, he might just be sick and not coping very well because some people get like that when there sick they get tired easy"

I take out my laptop to try and get something done while talking to her if I have something to keep my mind at rest I might not get too nervous talking about it "He hasn't really told me anything other than he's stressing about exams and that he's really in his head right now"

"We'll really all you can do is be there for him , like how did you help Laura when she needed it" she looked at me then with a somewhat questionable look on her face.

"I could always just be there whenever she needed me and i just stuck around and talked her through stuff, but this is different I barley know him but I feel overprotective of him" the blush starts to creep up my neck and onto my face I try not to look at Carly and stay focused on the screen in front of me.

"Someone's smitten already are we." She's smiling at me knowingly , knowing that I can get attached to people really quick. It's actually amazing to think how quickly I can get attached to people but yet never having fully been in love. I'm just a hopeless romantic who feels the need to protect people. K night always there to save the damsel in distress so the saying goes.

"No I'm not smitten, he's just different he intrigues me is all?". He does interest me, he's like a lost soul trying to find a distraction in a future dystopian hell. Trying to fill a void. Trying to find himself. That could be the name of the track Lostmyhead. I know it's not my head that's lost but it just feels right. Now that I've got a name I can get the understanding for the track and I can maybe get Matty's input. I don't know if he's that into music but his in put might really be good. It's all coming together I plug in my headphones so I can really try it out. The synths and guitars really coming together pulling me into a feeling of uncertainty. Maybe this is what Matty feels like right now. It just needs lyrics to pull it together but I can do that another time but for now these notes and instruments coming together in my ears helps me understand how it much feel in his head.

With that I take my phone out and I message Matty "I have something I'd like to show you when you have time". I know he's probably not going to get it until break but it's there for him when he's ready I then put my phone away and hear the bell ring right through me and shudder at the sudden ringing

My next lesson of the day is computer science, this class is really uneventful all the time. I don't have much people to talk to in this class it's very quiet an all these kids are mad smart so I just keep to myself but the demo is constantly on my mind, keeping me distracted from any work really. I find myself constantly looking at my phone waiting for a reply which got me into trouble a few times . my hands were itching to call him to let him hear it but I know that's not going to do anyone any good and by the last time I check my phone the teacher then comes over to me "Mr Daniel this is the last time unfortunately, if I see that phone out again I will have to confiscate it". I shove it back into my pocket and get back to m work that was barley even started "sorry sir"

Break time rolls around soon though and I see I do have a few messages from Matty only five minutes after I'd put my phone away for good. They read as follows

"Thank you man honestly x"

"Miss Conner's is literally driving me insane right now x "

"What do you wanna show me" the last one was of his face he looks quite alright so it gives me a second to breath he looks like he's outside and there's a couple of lads behind him looking like there talking to him.

I sit down with my break apple juice and a ham sandwich boring I know but it's school what do you expect and answer him while the others are occupied "I've been producing a demo track for my Music portfolio and I'd really love it if you'd be listen to it"

He's messages back almost instantly the biggest smile on his face like the last day didn't even happen "bro I'd love that, music is literally everything, is it just instrumental or does it have lyrics?"

"Just instrumental right not but it could really use lyrics." I perk up at how excited he sounded, sitting up straight on these ridiculous plastic seats that I barley fit on.

Another immediate message "I write , would it be cool if I give it a listen and see if I can add the lyrics to it or is that weird"

"Nah bro go ahead I'll send it over, have you got something for break!?". I know he's excited right now but I still feel the need to look after him.

"My mum gave me a few breakfast bars and I was pretty much ordered to ave em 😂"

"Why's that ?" . Concern starts to drip back into my brain, Jesus this guy is going to be the end of me I swear to god, am I too attached already ?, maybe but it's done now

"I didn't eat yesterday and she doesn't want me to be sick again but we'll just have to see if I can keep down ay" he sent that with a picture of himself with his fingers crossed. There's still uncertainty laced behind his eyes but I don't want to freak him out so I just send him a picture in basically a replica of his "we'll let me know yeh , you've got to be starving bro , but hopefully it helps you stomach settle , how's your head ?"

"Still buzzing like mad but I'm dealing with it Ross gave me pain killers before break and there helping a bit?"

"How was your lessons with Miss Conner's is it ? , you said she was driving you insane is that a bad thing". I smile as he seems to be doing alot better than yesterday although I know this conversation is really nothing to go by but he's got people there to help too.

"Man she just won't shut up , it's the concerned teacher act that does my head in she's been on my back since I got in and my maths lesson with her went on for hours Jesus"

"Oh man nah I couldn't be doing that , what do you have next , are you going to that or will you still be with her ?"

"I'm going to try just go to my next lesson, it's German I don't mind that class to much, but I think I'll go back to miss for my class after lunch cuz im still a bit arghh you know and physics won't be good"

"Im glad your giving it a try but you know where she is if you do need her before last class yeh "

"Yeh she says I can go back at any point , thanks for being there darlin x" . I can feel myself blush all over again and I know I'm smiling like an idiot. Joel and Adam are looking at me. Adam chimes in.

"You were defiantly chatting someone up last night george my guy" he shoves me lightly as the bell goes signalling the end of break and we make our way to our next classes I feel alot lighter after that conversation.

Chapter 7

Word count 1210

This chapter is from George’s POV , the first one of many and I swear I love writing George and everything about it is amazing

Mention: sickness and vomit again , mention of mental health issues , and mention of nightmares

George's POV

After Matty fell asleep I just watched him laying there for a while he looks peaceful when he sleeps I know I've only know him a day but by god does he look like the first time he's been at peace with himself since the first Snapchat I got. I take the time to just study his face. He fell sleep wearing his glasses but I felt bad keeping him up but I'm sure he'll take them off if he does wake. His tight curls falling across his face make him look really young and he's buried under his covers and he looks so cozy under there. I can't say the same for myself it's so cold in this room it always is. It's not that late it's only about nine so I just busy myself with anything and everything, He lets out a little content noises every now and again which makes me smile. I really wish I knew how to help him. He really seems like he's having a hard time.

I take out my phone and decide that maybe a few hours of Netflix will surifice and maybe I can get some sleep too. I stick on family guy just to occupy myself. Finally starting on the snacks I brung up. I don't get that hungry after smoking not as bad as I used to so maybe I did take up to much but hey ho there's more for another time. I watch about two episodes and get through a few chocolate bars before I hear movement on his end I look up from my phone and it doesn't look like he is there. In the sun light of his room I can't really see but I assume he's gotten up to use the bathroom. Then I hear it drowned out retching from another room I really hope that's not him and if it is I really wish I could be there to help .

All I can do is wait for him to come back.

After a few minutes , more light seeps through the screen and I hear a tired small voice "Maffu. I had a nightmare". The small voice was trembling and had been crying. I then hear Matty his voice even further away a little less clear but I make it out "Hold on a minute Kiddo" that was quickly followed by more retching. "Are you okay Maffu , do you need me to get Mummy?" .

"No Kiddo it's okay , mummy isn't here right now". I hear a door open quickly and the patter of small feet going across the room. I don't quite know what's going on but I do hear some of the conversation something about nightmares and the kid asking if he can have a story. I hear Matty agree. The light that was slightly engulfing the room then disappearing slowly.

After sometime Matty comes back and into the room and over to his bed "Everything okay". He jumps at the sound of my voice I guess having forgot he asked me to stay. "Sorry didn't mean to startle you". He puts on his bedside lamp and slides his hands down his face. "No it's okay don't worry about it, Sorry if I woke you"

"I haven't slept yet it's only like ten o'clock, Is everything okay though?"

"Yeh, Louie had a nightmare so I just went to help him get back to sleep and read him a story". He smiles at me, looking at me through his long eyelashes

"And before that ?". I probably shouldn't have brung it up but it's done now. "Just my stomach acting up again, it's nothing to worry about"

"Have you been sick for long?"

"Few days I guess, but it's getting better, I think"

"How are you dealing with it, it doesn't sound like it's okay?"

"I get like this sometimes, Im used to it , I think it's just stress and all that". He waves it off like it's okay and that I shouldn't worry but I think I should be worried "Does it happen more often than it should ?"

"I don't know, I really don't". He lays back down properly and throws an arm over his eyes "do mind if I turn the light back off my heads killing me bro"

"No, go ahead, it's okay, can I ask you something , it might be personal but you don't have to answer". I wait for him to get comfortable again back in the position he was in before with his arm over his face "Sure go ahead"

I straighten up a little bit as the question might come across rude if I don't ask it right and I've never been good at expressing myself correctly "Do you uh...Do you, have you ever had really low mental health like has it ever gotten to a point you didn't want to be here?"

"I mean....uh...I've maybe always felt like that but not ALL the time I suppose...I have really bad mood swings sometimes but...it's not always there". I can see him really thinking about it trying to come up with a reasonable answer "I mean yeh but I'm 17 who doesn't at my age for whatever reason?"

"Do you feel that way now?" again it's personal but I really need to know if I should be worried and How much help he really needs at this point.

"Um ...I uh , maybe a little bit". He pauses for a moment removing his arm from his face and looks at me directly "I honestly just feel like I'm losing my damn mind and I can't stop it or shut it up or calm it down, literally it's just spiralling man , I don't know what's going on anymore"

"I'm sorry Matty". The tears are falling down his face now "I know you called me to be distracted and maybe not be in your head for a while but I promise I'm going to do anything I can to get you feeling yourself again"

"I don't even care about being myself right now , I just want to feel safe in my own head honestly"

"Does anyone else know?"

"I did have a chat with my Head of Year before I left , it wasn't a big chat and it wasn't that serious but she wants to talk more tomorrow so I might be going back into counselling I suppose". He shrugs just as he says that and I really hope I didn't upset him. "Would you like to get some more sleep, I can stay on and try sleep too ?"

"That would be great thank you". I know that the conversation was pretty serious but I know it can take a lot out of someone when your speaking the truth and he really must be tired so offering to let him sleep is the least I can do and I want to do anything I can to keep him safe now

"Goodnight Matty , I'll be right here if you need anything"

"Goodnight Georgie , thanks for being here tonight" he smiles at me one last time before we pull the covers around ourselves and wave at each other in the camera as we both try to

Chapter 4 I also forgot to mention the fic is called

HEART OUT

Word count 2953

Still angsty atm , mention of possible panic/anxiety attacks , I swear it does get better (many typos )

I get into my class and sit down. I've been placed in a seat that is the closest to the teachers desk as this class is my least favourite so I tend to mess around so I've been moved were Mrs Greer can see me. She's already sat in the class waiting for us all to come in and get out books out. I don't really have many people in this class to talk to as I keep to myself as well as quite disruptive. So for the most part I start on the starter task which takes me almost all of five minute to get frustrated over tearing my page out of my book and throwing it into the bin missing slightly. She spotted me throwing it and asked me to go pick it back up. I skulk over to where I missed it then turn around to the person behind me "hey watch me basket this from my seat ". After returning to my seat with the balled up peice of paper I try again to get it into the bin. I get it in this time and cheer loudly in faux excitement "look what I just fuckin did ".

"Mr Healy have you started the task on the board "

"Yes I have but it doesn't make sense "

I can hear her trying to explain the question to me but I'm just not in the right headspace to listen to her. So I turn around and start talking to the person behind me about utter nonsense

"Mr Healy I'm trying to help you ...are you paying attention

"I am paying attention I just don't get it " I raise my voice a little. Which on my behalf not the brightest idea

"Am I going to have to remove your from the class ..,your being very hostile right now "

"Oh am I , we'll what do you know Matty Healy not paying attention in math class " I know I'm winding her up but I really do just want to be removed from the class today maybe go home early even

"Right I don't think that's anyway to be behaving right now...please go wait outside and I'll talk to you once I've gotten everyone settled

"Nah there's no need I'll just go" and with that I pick up my rucksack and leave slamming the door in my wake. That was very much not my worst encounter with this particular teacher but honestly she knows it's just going to get worse as the class progresses so throwing me out was a better idea.

I go back outside for another smoke and snap George "I'm not staying here today I really am not " . While I'm in the process of lighting my cigarette I hear my head of year behind me "Matty what do you think your doing with that..."

"Oh uh nothing " it's not fully lit yet so I just drop it back into my pocket

"And what are you doing out of class "

"I just walked out I can't be there right now ...I'm not feeling great today and maths is just messing with me head "

My head of year gestures for me to sit down and she sits next to me "so you really think it wise to be skipping on lessons this close to your GCSEs especially maths when I know how much your struggling "

"I just can't not today" I place my head in my hands as my breathing become ragged "I just wanna go home ....can I phone my dad to come pick me up "

"How about you just come back to my office with me and we talk for a bit ...I know you struggle talking about feeling but we can sit down have a biscuit and some tea and just relax ...have you been taking your medication...I've seen a decline in your behaviour the last week or so " she knows me pretty well and I do feel safer in her company so I just nod my head yes to coming with her to her office but then reply with a "no I haven't taken my meds they just make me feel so sluggish and slow ...like a zombie ...I don't like it ...so I stopped " . We rise from the cold grey step at the front and make our way back inside . I stuff my hands into my pockets as we walk.

"You know that's not wise Matty " she looks at me sympathetically as she can hopefully understand what I might feel like

"I know but I'd rather just be jumpy and hyper than feel like I being held back and stuff " I pull my rucksack around me properly again as it was slipping down my shoulders due to my slouchy walk

"We'll we can see what else we can do about that another time , in we go " she unlocks her office door and pulls up a chair close to her desk and I sit myself down basically curling myself into me

"Now if we may start , would you like to tell me what's been wrong lately. If we can maybe have a little chat and later we can get you back to class "

"No! " I accidentally shout "sorry Miss , sorry I just don't really want to go back , if you won't let me go home can I just stay in here and do work please "

"We can discuss that later yeh , just let's have a chat , tell me something good that's going on and something that you need to let out "

I let out a long sigh deciding to start with the good thing i suppose "we'll uh the boys and I have written a song for the school production and Mr Hardy said that if we get him a demo in by next Friday he might consider letting us sing it , that's quite exciting. It's not set in stone yet but we'd really like to do it , the boys are quite pumped really "

She smiling at me contently "that's very impressive Matty, and what's plaguing you ?"

I can feel my eyes start to well up and sting before I even begin to describe it "uh, I uh , just fuckin really miss Janey like a lot " tears start pouring down my face "and she only got into the wreck like 3 months ago and no one's talking about it and I understand that people don't want me to be upset by it but I just wish people would at least seem like they care and it would make me feel less like it was my fault which I feel like that anyway cuz I was the one messing around in the car while we were driving and obviously a little intoxicated , and ....l" my breath hitches "I just can't stand not having her around she was my closest friend miss and I can't do any of this without her " I breakdown right there and then and it just doesn't stop.

Miss Conner's came over to me quickly and wrapped an arm round me and kept telling me everything would be okay and that its out now and it should hurt less now.

I don't calm down for at least ten minutes that's when I get my breathing back to a steady pace, my eyes now puffy and itchy. "Can I please just go home Miss".

I can sense her really pondering it for a minute "alright , I'll let you off today but try and come in tomorrow and if you really need to I can get some work from your teachers and we can try work on some stuff together, Can we try that ?"

"I can certainly try Miss".

"So, who am I calling, your mum or dad "

"Dad, please, He's at work so you'll have to call there, can I speak to him just so I can explain"

"let me just call him and you can talk once I've spoken to him , please just stay in here quietly for a second while I go get a phone "

"alright "I watch her leave the room then get my phone out and text my mum letting her know ill be coming home so to not be surprised that I'm home when she's home I go to snapchat to speak to George he's replied few times since my last message

"I'm sure that's not the case right "then not long after there's a video of him and what I assume to be his friends all huddled outside smoking captioned "finally getting my smokes "

I snap him back instantly trying to plaster on a fake smile even though my eyes look terrible and my hairs a state as I've wracked my hands through it a million times since reaching the office "that's amazing, I'm sure you've got to feel a little better now for sure".

I get an immediate reply of his face and god does he look good when he looks free and at peace "yeh man I feel way better, how about you, what's wrong you look upset?"

Another message comes through but just texts "I'm here and I know we barley know each other but I'm here"

"I don't really wanna talk about it right now , I'm just feeling the worst today, I'm going home from school early, so if I don't answer its probably because my dad is trying cheer me up or I'm napping but I'll talk to you later. Thank you though "

Just then Miss Conners comes back in the room, on the phone to my dad. I only catch the end of the conversation.

"Matty would like to talk to you, I'll hand the phone over", I jump up and get to the phone.

"Hi Dad"

"Hiya son, what's up lad".

"just really not having the best day, don't feel great "

"Im at work right now lad, but I go on my break at 12, I can pick you up then, can you hang on that long son, Its about an hour yeh?"

"If I have too , then I will, I love you Da".

"I love too son, I'll see you soon alright"

I hand the phone back over to Miss Conners "He's coming to get me at lunch time". After a small look around the office I notice a small sofa on the back wall "Do you mind if I rest for an hour?"

"I know I should be trying to be getting you work to do but if you really need it then ill let you today" she gestures to the sofa behind me "just have a rest there it might help you feel a little better"

"Thanks Miss". I drop my rucksack on the floor next to the sofa next to me once I've sat down and try to get somewhat comfortable. Once I've closed my eyes I let the world around me die down and quieten trying to ignore it all.

I must have drifted off because the next thing I realise Miss is shaking me out of my slumber "Matty, your dads here, he's just waiting outside". It takes me a good few minutes to get myself together, wracking my hands through my hair and rubbing my eyes "Thanks for listening". She takes me through reception and lets the receptionist know where I'm going. Then I say my good-byes and make my way to my dad's car and hop in after throwing my rucksack in the back

"Hiya". I strap myself in as my dad takes off

"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong then son?"

"I told you I just feel really ill". I don't want to look at him as I know I'll just breakdown again, so I pull my discarded cigarette from my pocket and roll the window down quickly lighting up and relaxing a little.

"Have you had anything too eat and no before you start those don't count", He means my fags "No not yet, I was gunna get something at break, but it totally skipped my mind". He's looking at me like I've just killed the pope now. "Dad come on I'm sorry"

"I know love, but honestly you really need to work on eating right. your bloody skin and bone as it is"

"I know Dad I really am trying; I just can't find the time for something as menial as eating right now, I know its important but I'm so busy and forget so easily". My dad knows the struggles I had when I was younger so doesn't push me with it

"What about sleep, how is that going now that you've stopped your meds?"

"Yeh that doesn't seem to be going as well as id have liked it to, my brain just won't stop running, everything is just blur then its time to sleep it doesn't work, I got a few hours last night and had a nap at school. It's just hard to settle down".

"I know your busy and they make you tired and you don't like them all that much but are you sure going off the meds was the best idea".

"We've already done this dad, I know you and mum didn't really agree with it but I don't feel like myself on them, I'll learn to cope without them I promise". My head is pounding at this point and my ears were ringing "Can we stop and get a coffee?"

"sure we can but first I need you to promise you'll get something to eat and have a proper sleep when I drop you back home". He's looking directly at me I can feel his eyes boring into the back of my skull. I turn to look at him after dropping the remanence of my cigarette onto the ground below me "I can get something to eat , but I've got work at half three and if I go to sleep now I wont wake up in time , but ill try to get an early night".

"That I can live with". The rest of the car ride goes by quite quietly even after he goes through the maccies drive through to get us both a coffee. The warmth of the cup momentarily stopping the tremor in my hands. "Thank you, Dad, I love you". I really do adore my dad were remarkably similar in many ways and my dad has always been my biggest supporter in anything I do "I love you too son."

He drops me back at home just after 12:30 after saying a quick goodbye I unlock the front door and slam it behind me as I watch my dad leave for work again. I drop my bag at the front door and quickly make my way upstairs to my room. My haven. After setting my record player up I put my Joy Division record on and lay down on my bed staring at the ceiling. I feel like I've laid their ages, but I think it's only been about ten minutes as I'm only on the third track on the record, but my head starts to spin more, and my stomach feel weird "ah shit". I get up quickly and run to the bathroom nearly tripping over the mess scattered around my room just making it to the bathroom as I throw up violently. My whole-body shakes as I retch as there is not much to come out of my stomach this is a quite common occurrence these days, but I don't hate it any less. I sit next to the toilet with my back against the cool tiles on the wall trying to catch my breath. This part of my day is never fun. I sit there for another 20 minutes just to make sure I don't need to throw up again and let the shaking subside.

I take out my phone, I go to message Ross to ask him for help, but I think twice about it he's already worried enough as it is, so I see myself hovering over George's name. He doesn't really know me so it shouldn't be too bad. I message him "Bro I'm so sick, I can't deal with today". He doesn't have to help me or really know how to but telling someone might help a little. I get a text through not much longer after

"Why what's wrong love?" Love? where did that come from? It takes a minute for me to think of a reply to him that doesn't make me sound like a mad man.

"Just been a tough day ay, my whole body is against me right now, my brain is fighting a losing battle with itself and I just wanna disappear, also love?" I catch myself staring at the sentence for a little longer than I feel I should have, and my cheeks start to flush, and the reply startles me a little "sorry I didn't mean to say that, I'm just so used to saying that , I didn't think but seriously mate that's seems like a lot to be dealing with is there anything I can do to help?" . He's so damn sweet "I don't think anyone can help at this point G". That's the honest I have been in a while the only person that can help me is me but I've no idea how to do that. "Well, I'm going to do what I can to help, no matter how long it takes." I just throw quick thank you back because I don't really know what else to say at this point.

I get back up off the floor and begin to strip my uniform from my body a shower might do me good

We’re camo cargos and my notes hoodie while listening to notes on walks with my bf always just hits different man

Chapter three

Word count :1941

I think we all hate/hated school as much as matty in this fanfiction , I swear if I had the courage to walk out and act up I’d be exactly like this 🙄😂

I trudge through the halls pulling my rucksack straps around me before sliding into my English class all ther way to my seat in the back next to my friend Jamie I place my rucksack on the table infront of me and pull my phone out of my pocket again and put my earphones in to listen to music after picking a playlist I go back to Pub-G and open my messages sending George a quick message with my number and Snapchat attached explaining that it's easier to talk there I then rest my head on the table as I wait for the teacher to come , sleep once again overcoming me slowly

Again just before I have time to fully succumb to sleep my phone vibrates on the table I pick it up to see a Snapchat alert from the same user as Pub-G , I smile as I open it and swiftly accept it and quickly send him a quick snap of my hair with a simple "fancy seeing you here ". A reply doesn't come straight away so I gather he is in class now and actually working .

Just at that my teacher decided to make an arrival. I roll my eyes immediately as he starts talking and slowly sink into my chair avoiding his gaze at all costs because I just know he will be all over me for answers because I'm so far getting an A* for this class but I really don't want to be talking to anyone right now. The buzz of the classroom keeps me awake only slightly as everyone conversates over something or other and I have my phone glued to my hand again in wait of George's snap , which doesn't take to much longer to come through. I receive a snap from him , it's full face and damn is that a good looking man , not that I'm gay but I can very much appreciate a good looking chap , his eyes do how ever seem to be just as blown as mine and red rimmed , his face is broken out in a wild smile and his hair is trapped under his hood , with a simple caption of "Yooo dude "

I smile to myself at the obvious stoner I have befriended , I then take another picture but this time making sure I get my whole face in , leaning on my hand as I take it "Bro you look wrecked...are you okay?honestly ?"

His reply comes through momentarily another of his face but looks like he's rolling his eyes dramatically "nah man ...shit sucks right now but I'll be fine "

I look around to make sure no one is looking at me as I can't really hear anything then quickly snap another pick of me making a stupid face hopefully cheering him up a little "you sure don't wanna talk about it ay?". Helping someone through there struggles might help me forget for a little while why I'm so tense and stressed.

The replies are getting faster so it get another almost instantaneously his face still in the shot still looking done with life...I can relate "just girls man...broke up with my girl the other day ...well she broke up with me ". I feel bad for the dude , break ups are tough especially at his age , I know I'm not that much older than him but geez I was even more on edge then than I am now and that's saying something so if he's anything like me he's got to be struggling like mad right now

I send another snap of a stupid face back but this time with a video and I flip my teacher off from behind my screen , again hoping to maybe cheer him up "that's tough man ...any reason why ?".

I don't get a picture snap this time just a message "she thinks I don't care about anything ...I'm too laid back ...don't care about my future ...I don't have any "real" ambition and she also hated that I got so into weed " I scoff as I read the message as Ive heard that too much in my life from girls. They're pretty but they suuuuuck.

I must have scoffed louder than I thought I had , after being pulled out of my own little world by Mr Lezdon

"Mr Healy , is there something you'd like to share ....also please remove your bag from the table it should be long gone by now "

"No sir sorry I just hiccuped ...I'm so sorry " I move my rucksack into my lap so I can slouch  on it with my arms wrapped softly around it. I try to pay attention but my hands were itching to take my phone back out so I opt for drumming hands on my lap and resting my head back onto my desk while listening to Mr lezdon talk about symbolism and juxtapositions between two poems that we had been reading. Man I should have slept last night I'm really struggling right now. I have an apiffany and raise my hand and ask to go to the bathroom. I'm allowed out this one time I take my phone out and reply back to George "I'm so sorry that must really suck girls really take a lot out of a guy ". I take this as an opportunity to sneak out for another zoot , If I'm going to stay here all day I really need this. It's not going to help with my tiredness really but anything to ease the dull throbbing vibrating through me, to still the buzzing in my brain. It's go to be quick though. My phone vibrates in my pocket once again I see another text reply from George "yeh I'm just done right now I know it's lame cuz she's just a girl but we were going strong and I guess I'm young but I thought we had a good thing ...but what can you do ,"

I smile again as I manage to get outside without being spotted and take another  zoot and the lighter out of my trousers pocket. It's slightly flat due to the pressure between my thighs and trousers but it will do. After taking a video of me with the zoot lit and between my lips captioned by "just have a zoot bro  " I get a quick reply of laughing emojis straight back with a "smoking is bad for you Matthew " not so long after

I take about five minute to myself to finish my joint and just bask in the quiet and the fresh air before I go back inside. It's so hard to find time for myself at the moment there sooo much to be getting on with. The joint calmed me down quite a bit more than the last one had so after making my way back to class I get back to my seat after a few glares from people who I know 100% knew what I was doing. I reply to George quickly with a cheeky emoji and said "I know but I'm bad for me " meant to be as a joke but maybe not sounding so. For the rest of the class I just lay with my head resting on my arm on the desk as the world moves on by around me .

The rest of the morning up until break time flies by not paying attention in most classes and sitting with Jamie half asleep brings him to speak to me at break time

"Hey mate are you okay ? " I pressed a supportive hand on the small of my back as we make our way through the crowd of teenagers as we go outside to meet Ross

"M' fine " I keep my head down as I'm in the mist of a banging headache and I just want out of the noise for a bit "honestly just tired ay "

"I know Ross has probably said and your mum ...but your not giving yourself time to be at peace right now Matty....you do so much in a day ...have barley anything to eat ...and your not sleeping right ...can you promise you'll tell us if anything gets to much " . He pauses us in the hallway and lifts my head up with my chin so I'm looking directly into my eyes . I nod nonchalantly "I'm fine Jay honestly...everyone needs to stop worrying "

"Promise me ?"

"Alright ...fine I promise " I roll my eyes at him this time and continue walking . I love my mates so much but my god to they worry too much.

"Good " . We reach the back gate as I pull out a cigarette out of my also crushed packet and light it quickly relishing in the rush of nicotine floating through my body i slouch against the back wall and close my eyes and let the cigarette consume me while Jamie is talking away when Ross comes over. I  cant decipher every part of the conversation but it takes me a minute to realise they're talking to me. Ross nudges me slightly shaking me off balance "Matty mate ??"

"Huh ... I wasn't paying attention...what did you say ?" I look at them properly now giving them my full attention while taking another long drag

"Jay and I were wandering if you'd like to come back to his after school, some drinks , just to relax for a bit " . They look at me with hopeful grins "you've been on edge for weeks now you need it ?"

It's true I have been quite skittish and on edge for a while now. "I'm sorry guys , I've got work tonight then I've got to look after Loiue for a little while, you can see me at work though and help me look after Lou if you'd like ?"

"I can come see you at work" Jay isn't much round at mine so that makes sense

"Yeh I ain't seen the little dude in a while so I could come over bring some drinks and we can just chill while we look after him ? , Would you mum mind ? . Ross loves my house he was there most days before work and GCSEs got the better of us

"No I'm sure she won't mind so long as lou is in bed by 8 and we don't make to much noise " I smile and get slightly more excited at the prospects of seeing my best friend after school like we used too "thank you Ross "

"You don't have to thank me mate... we're just really worried about you and your mental health right now...and we want you to be okay " . Our conversation is interrupted by the noise of the bell ringing through everywhere alerting us it's time to go back in

"Guys seriously I'm fine stop worrying " I nod to them both before making my way back inside. I've got maths next. Let's so how this goes down it never goes well. I take out my phone again putting my headphones back in and realising I have at least 2 messages from my mum reminding me about looking after Lou later and asking if I've eaten . Shit I forgot , I message back a little white lie saying that I had as to not upset her. Then I see George has sent a snap

It's just his face again looking a little more awake this time "what do you mean by not being good for yourself "

Snapping back with what I mean expressing that im usually my own worst enemy and that it's not always the best thing for me to be me or in my head . Im sure he'd understand

This is the very latest chapter of my fanfic I've only posted a snippet of the beginning then this but its jus teasers if people want read the whole thing just le me know

This part gives me "Is There Somebody Who Can Watch You" vibes and I love it so darn much

Matty's POV

I slept through the night again, I can't really confirm wether my dreams were good or bad but I slept and I feel great. It's a bit cold since I didn't sleep with much on so I pull my blanket around me George is still there fast asleep bless him , I know he'll have to be awake soon enough but I don't want to wake him up he's so pretty just asleep although there's not much of it his hair is draped across the pillow and he's pretty much holding the duvet too his chin so sweet. Right on que Lou comes bouldering into my room "oh your awake today". I sit up and rub my eyes the room is still a little bit blurry as I've just woken up

"Yeh sweet one I'm awake but we have to be quiet , Matty's friend is sleeping okay" as I tell him we have to be quiet I put my finger to his lips indicating that we have to shush. He then climbs onto my bed and sits on my legs like he's sitting on my knees "how are you this morning kiddo ?" . I ask him as I pull him into a hug.

He settles into my hug and plays with the hair on the nape of my neck "I'm still a little bit sleepy, but I've got school don't I?", he turns to look at my screen and looks at me pointing to the screen "who's that ?"

"That's just Maffu's friend George" , I smile at him still just laying there , then look at Louis I ruffle his hair he looks a little confused but what can you say he's a kid "what's up kid?"

"Why did you just call him if he's sleepin ?", A childs innocence is so lovely to me. Not understanding the world fully.

"We were talking last night and we just feel asleep that's all kiddo, but Maffu has to get dressed for school now, do you want my help getting you ready or can you do it like a big boy ?"

"Can you help ?" , I ruffle his hair and hug him into me a little again and let him go to get his uniform , while he's away I quickly find a T-shirt to put on before he comes back. He comes back a few moments later with his uniform bundled in his arms, he's so grown up I can't deal with it

"Come on then, come ere, did you brush your teeth?" , he looks at me and smiles , which is a tell tale sign that he hasn't yet but will try to say he has, I know that trick to well im the king of that one "Come on Maffu will do it with you" . I take his uniform and place it on my bed, lift him up and take him to my bathroom , I keep a toothbrush in my en-suite for him because he does like to do his with me sometimes, he gets his little stool and drags it over to the sink so he can see in the mirror when he brushes. He's like me he likes to watch himself no matter what he's doing. "What do we need first?", I know what we need obviously but I'm helping him learn.

"We need toothpaste silly", he stretches over the sink and grabs the toothpaste and our brushes and hands me mine, "it's got to be only a little bit though not to much only small" . He's so cute, I put the toothpaste onto his brush and then my own . He then starts brushing and I join in. I watch him brush while I do, I can't believe how grown up he's gotten, he's so little still but sooo grown up and it makes me want to cry. We brush for the amount of time your supposed to then we rinse again obviously.

" want me to brush your hair too". I pick up my brush and the gel but he shakes his head and jumps down from the stool and pushes it back into the corner

"Mummy doesn't brush my hair until after I'm dressed Maffu". That would make sense, he runs back throough to my room as I follow after him, He stands awkwardly waiting for me. I begin to get him dressed trousers first and he stops me before I do up his button. "I can do it" , I let him do it for himself , next is his polo shirt and he does the same again I get it on for him and he does up his own buttons, then he pulls his jumper on. Arghh that's my little brother right there he's so smart. "You can brush my hair now , can you make it like yours?" . We trundle back through to my bathroom and I start brushing his hair making sure there's no tiny knots in it , and then rub in a little bit of gel and slick it back a little bit, It can't be exactly like mine as he's got a full head of hair mine is a mullet but I try

"Is that good for you", he's smiling in the mirror so I can tell he's happy with it , he then spots my glasses on the sink where I left them yesterday and he puts them on. I smile at him, there too big for him so they keep sliding down but he persists. "Take a picture" I quickly grab my phone from the bedroom making sure we haven't woken George up but he's still sound asleep it's nearly 7 so assume he will be soon. I open Snapchat and take a picture of us in the mirror , he's standing with his tongue out and making the little rocker kid sign his hands they are so small my god, I save it and let him see "yes I like it"

"I like it too kid , should we send it too daddy, for when he gets to work"

"And show mummy, can I show mummy?"

"In a moment yeh" , I send it to George captioned "Morning from us G", I then select the picture again in my memories and give it to him so he can go show Mum. This will give me sometime to get myself ready, I hop into the shower after I strip down and give myself a quick clean up washing the events of yesterday off of me and relaxing in the heat, I only take about ten minutes because I'm sure Louis will be back anytime soon, then I wrap a towel around myself after getting out , I hear an alarm going off in my room must be George. I'll let him wake before I go see him so I do my hair brushing it to get all the knots out I have far more knots in mine than Louis did, mine is much curlier than his. I spray myself with some deodorant and some aftershave then look in my cupboard for my contacts but I can't seem to find them "oh well, I'll just ave to wear my glasses", I pad through to my room pulling out some clean boxers and some clean trousers and pull them on then I decide it's finally time to go see George , I jump onto my bed careful not to just to hard incase I brake it again "Good Morning" , he's smiling at his phone I guess he's opening the snap, I start to blush again even though he's not looking at me but the fact he's smiling at our picture it's making me feel things.

"Good morning love, did you get your brother dressed ?" He shows the picture to me still smiling like a twat "who's glasses are they ?"

"There mine, he likes to wear them a lot makes him feel like me , he likes to be like me as you can probably tell from the picture", I get back up to get my shirt and blazer, then to pack my rucksack for today double checking maybe even triple checking that I have everything I need today , going over it in my head , History , French , English and Art not a terrible day today the only thing I can't find is my art folder but I think my mum maybe has it, she likes looking at what I do

"Can I save it" he sounds further away from the camera as I can't hear him as clear he must be getting dressed too , once I've got myself completely ready I sit back down on the bed. Putting my shoes on , it makes me smile when he asks and I blush again

"Yeh if you like". I'll have to resend it as I'm sure it's already gone from the snap as there not on that long , so I do. Then Louis comes back into my room mid way through a game I believe since he's not really paying much attention and he's just stood at the door with my phone, Once he's finished playing what I assume is a level on angry birds he comes bounding over and hands me it back and my glasses, "Thanks kiddo , you can say good morning to Georgie now he's awake"

"Good Morning George" , he's stood there stood at the side of my bed waving at the camera I can see he has his shoes on but there not tied "How about I tie those for you Kid ?" He jumps up onto the bed and he puts one foot on my leg as I quickly start tying it. I can see in my peripheral that George has come back into the screen and is actually wearing his uniform today and he's smiling at me waving at Louis who's just blindly staring at him. "Next one" he replaces his foot with the other and I tie that one too. He then jumps back down off the bed after waving goodbye to George and stands looking at me "Do I look just like you Maffu" , I wipe my glasses clean and place them on for the first time in what four days and smile at him while telling him he does and he leaves again. I was right my glasses do enhance everything and any light that's in my room reaches my retinas tenfold but I try to get used to it. It's just George and I again

"Your good with him", he's just watching me trying to adjust to my glasses and the screen is a little blurry but I can still make everything out, it's already giving me a sore head this won't be good but I have to wear them.

"I did say we were inseparable didn't I"

"That you did" , he gets up and starts packing his bag none of his things are in folders and he just has papers upon papers piled in his bag which is the most typical 16 year old bag just a black Nike bag , he's wearing a shirt and tie with black trousers like most uniforms but he's still wearing a black hoodie and red vans that's a bold choice but I love it , I can hear movement on his side that isn't coming from his room and he turns to me "I'll have to go now Matty , my mum will want to make sure I'm ready but I'll message you on my way to school yeh ?"

"Yeh that sounds good" I smile at him and wave "See you later darlin"

"Talk later love" he waved and the then the call ended. Leaving me alone for the first time in maybe 8 hours, it's weird I miss him the minute he's gone but I can do it. I pick up my rucksack and a few fags and a joint or two and then exit my room waiting for my mother to bombard me with questions

"Good morning sweetheart" . I walk over to my mother and kiss her on the cheek Louis is sitting eating coco pops and I put my rucksack on the chair beside him and begin making some food. Just toast but it's something and my mother is looking at me weirdly.

"Good morning mum , how are you this morning" , she hands me a mug of coffee which I am internally great full for and sits down across from Lou making sure he isn't getting milk all over his clean uniform. I too sit down once my toast is ready and make my way through it. It's only a slice but I do it. My mother starts telling me about how her night was and her plans for today after she takes Louis to school and asking if I'm going to manage today , to make sure to message her if I need to leave but I tell her I'll be fine that I've got Jamie in a few of my classes today and that's it's not a bad day today. After I've finished my coffee I kiss Louis on the head and say goodbye to both of them and leave for school feeling great for the first time in a while

I think Matty thinks that all we care about is the hair.