Diary Entry - Blog Posts

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 29/01/24

dear diary,

fear is such a weird thing? why do i care about what other people are doing and if i see them or if they perceive me,, i really shouldn't be having such limiting thoughts, i want to conquer all my social fears this week, i'm going to make it my goal.

today was very all over the place but i think it fell in place beautifully? even if it's not what i wanted. i think these days theres just comfort thinking in the air, as in how my clothes feel against my body or how the wind flows outside, the sound of the train station every morning, the squelchy noise my boots make every time i step on the pavement.. like that, is there a word for that? is it mindful thinking? i also want to focus on the present a lot this week.

my train ticket ended up declining this morning and for a moment it felt so humiliating but i then realised that it wasn't, i just had to put more money into my account and just move on, i now want to live like that. if it doesn't serve me i just move on with it.

i had mentoring today and it was so freeing to finally be able to discuss with a teacher why i struggle in certain lessons and how i can combat them,, now i just have to actual put that in practice

i also finally submitted a poetry piece into a college comp and im pretty proud of the piece ♡ i hope i have a chance of winning it but i also know that if i believe in myself i'll get the outcome that is most ideal

today was slightly anxiety inducing but mainly due to my own fears and self esteem, gives me something to work on~ i hope tommorow is a better day for myself.

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 28/01/24

dear diary,

okay, first diary entry here

today has been somewhat.. odd? i'm focusing on myself more than ever right now but it still feels as if i'm stuck at phase 1,, i dont like the feeling of being stuck but i know that in reality ive made a lot of progress ?? i guess i just have to keep on telling myself that i have moved forward. i think taking care of myself after an awful breakup is the best thing ive ever done, that person made me realise that i have a whole lot of healing to do but of course i dont like or resonate myself with the way they said it or how they treated me through out the time we were together, however dwelling on that thought and how they hurt me just isn't healthy at all, so i have nothing to do but accept the outcome as it is and work on myself that.

is it odd that i dont class it as a relationship? it's been months. it was hardly what lovers would do and in my mind what i would do or would want to do as a lover. i move on with the seasons so it isn't any of my concern anymore. i can't waste my energy on things that do not serve me, i am a being of light and should be treated as such.

i just want to love myself whole and stay in peace and solace, i need this right now ! all the focus is on me ♡ i'm now looking forward to new begginings, i know they'll serve me greatly

one of my friends sent me a few tiktok videos talking sbout how thankful she was to have me in her life and i think thats so beautiful, shes amazing and i love her too !! shes been nothing but amazing to me, i'll be sure to pay her back tenfold.

i've been getting a lot of loving messages from people around me these days and honestly it makes me feel so valued, i take it to heart a lot more than i used to you know? one of them also said they'd let smoke with them next time they got some more bud and i honestly think thats so nice

both me and my bestfriend are single and we've both felt more gratitude and gratefulness with each other more now than ever and we made this whole little plan for places to visit and i love it so much, shes taking me to a japanese restraunt on valentines ♡ i can't wait, shes truly my soulmate.

i guess im torn between searching for new love or loving myself. i think the best thing to do is to love myself until the person that fits my worth comes by.

i have a lot of assignments to catch up on but im not too stressed about them right now,, i know i'll be able to get the work done. as of right now i stay unbothered and want to stay unbothered for a long time lol, i stay vulnerable and small within my own circle.

maybe i'm not sad all the time... i just happened to get trapped inside a tiny body that couldn't contain so much tenderness in my heart..

✩ August 1st, 2024 ✩

A late entry for my shifting attempt last night !

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Yesterday was actually my 20th birthday ! And luckily for me it was a better birthday than I thought it would be. :D

I ended up going to bed reaallllyyy late and earlier that day I planned on trying to get in the void state and shift like that ( I’ve never been in the void state before ) but I was so tired I couldn’t even try to meditate longer than five minutes and was irritated. I’m not sure why I didn’t just try and do something else, but I just let myself go to sleep ! ( which is ok )

I was telling myself that I’d let myself shift as a gift for my birthday, but it is what it is.

I’m not sure what I’ll do tonight, I think it’ll depend on when I go to bed. Though, I don’t think it matters all that much.

Anyways, that’s all for my first entry. Good luck to myself and anyone else planning to shift tonight !

Heart- Break again finds a Way

In Strom, I tend to play defensive rather than going with the flow, enjoying the beauty of destruction. I constantly shove my face too deep inside the sand, so that I can ignore my feelings until they lose their voice by screaming. I fell in love with a boy, at the age of twenty-four, you would think I would be mature enough to handle a silly crush, however, that's not how the mind works when you get to know that silly crush also likes you back. Well, crush is a powerful word, it was more like a stupid joke rather than crush. We both fell in love but I fell harder, I used to wait for his text and calls when he is not even ready for something long-term, not like I was thinking of long-term. But unfortunately, it's me who crashed harder. The anxiety inside my mind forced me to analyze every and each word, every action, which turned me into a big ugly green-eyed monster that may be and hopefully, I am not. He drunk-texted me the L-word which again made me hopeful and again made me sad thinking he would run the moment the clarity will hit him the next morning. And he did the same thing, I imagined he would. But at the same time, I get to realize one thing, someday I will find someone who will not be afraid to join in my weirdness and won't say he is confused. I deserve someone who won't hesitate to take my hand and also came to the conclusion, someday he is also gonna find someone who will have the patience to wait for him, let him go at his slow pace. Alas, and fortunately that person is not me.

There was happiness because of you and there will be happiness after you.

Diary Entry: Love Finds a Way

I think Ghibli Studio movies are love letter to the nature, to the naive little you who believed everything that's magical. I remember cuddling with my mother & elder sister in rainy nights, where mother would whisper fairytales in our ears, or the early mornings covered in mist, I used to listen fairy tales while walking towards school. That was my love letter to my childhood, the movies helped me giving perspective to my life. When you watch Ghibli movies at young age, you wanted to live in world with wizards or you try to find little people in the dark corners of your house, but as a grown up, I realised it's all about appreciating nature and everything it offers. You understood even in the worst days, your family/closed one will surround you with their embrace. You realise all along the magic you were trying to find, lies in the love you feel or the love you gave away. Love the most magical power of them all. There's nothing much to our everyday mundane life but still there's beauty in waking up early or in making your favourite meal! You can be a brave warrior or an artist who's fighting the injustice of the world with nothing but courage. As a grown up I still and will always believe in magic because it's there with us, it's there with our each breath and it's there in our every heart beat because true magic lies only within you🍃

Diary Blog: Letter to myself

"After years of overthinking and analysing I came to a conclusion about relationship. Exactly, why my relationships never lasts. You know, sometimes people doesn't put the same value to the things as you do. I'm not talking about romantical relationship, because you're going into that kind of attachment with some kind of expectations, you want love, just attachment maybe. I'm talking about friendships! I always kept my expectations low, as long I'm not expecting that person to do anything, I'm not overthinking. I remember telling someone to just text me whenever you can after your flight lands, they didn't even though they said they would! I waited the whole day and again realise why I don't have any expectations from people anymore. Expectations are the root of every problems. I don't think it's requires a lot of space or time to text someone, if any person couldn't find five seconds of their precious time to spend on the person they said their close friend, I can't stop myself thinking if I have any value in that person's life anymore. But at the same time I also think, no body is entitled to spend their time on anyone, there might be lot's of things that I don't know that they might be facing, struggling through. But I still can't stop myself from hoping. I can't stop myself from begging to have footnotes in their stories! I don't know I'm just incredibly heartbroken." I'm in dilemma!

A diary full of letters which I'll never publish 🍂🍂

Little Tit-Bits of thoughts -Diary blog post

Do you wonder about how mundane things are everyday but when you look back there’s so many things that reminds of you each and everyday.  Do you say to your mind or under your breath” this day sucks” but when you think, you realize they are different. I do this a lot, looking back I mean however that doesn’t mean I  don’t enjoy my present. But I look back a lot, and most of the time I go through my pages of old diary. It’s the end of 2021 and when I read my old entries, I wondered and always became astonished how different I am compared to my previous self and sometimes I wish I could go back at that time and say to myself you are doing great love, stop the self loathing thoughts. I am completing my Master this year. When I went to my campus for the very last time, I stood for a long time in front of my class building and my mind went through so many flashbacks. One of the most prominent thought was I will never be able to go through those simple times. I am an adult now and can never go back to those carefree days. I wish to enjoy and live my present more lively so that I look back to my life and can say it was a great life. New year and new situations. Hope my 2022 be brighter and full of everything.   

Diary Blog: entry 2 - Hanahaki

Hanahaki hanahaki,death of a one sided love. Where the flowers of love blooms through your lungs, the petals wet with your blood like a moonlit night. Nothing beautiful about it still it shines in pure unadulterated pain of love. Love is beautiful, love is pain, love is heartbreak, love is hanahaki. Your painful, unrequited love blossoms in the most beautiful but horrible way.

Diary Blog post 1:

The Garden of the evening mists:

Life is always chaotic and we always try to find balance in it but why we can't swim through it. Life is a great teacher and it is trying to teach us something new, something hard, something that will expand our boundary once again. This movie makes us ponder over our life, time, and the regrets we face. I always thought WAR means heroism, patriotism but it also the history of thousands of people's pain, sacrifice and how much lucky I am.  This is such an underrated movie and I accidentally stumbled over it. Such a great opportunity for people to watch this movie and absorb a mesmerizing story. It has love, pain, and also closure. I just wanna end my post saying that time may not heal it but time makes you wiser.

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There's this morbid nostalgia in craving the pleasure pain of losing your milk teeth... Ive been feeling that recently. It has motivated me to explore a thought I had and decided to group with my alter ego; and potentially publish a novella under her in my 20s.

This has been fueled more after starting Hannibal, am I crazy idk... But god do I think about the sweet pain of twisting my loose teeth in my raw tearing gums and hearing it rip out with so much wicked joy I can feel the rush.... OK thats enough for now...

Today I did grocery shopping, helped cook, danced around to loosen up since its day 4 of my period and I don't bleed out so I felt happy lol, i posted on my alt, and binged Hannibal, just had a snack and gonna doze off to Hannibal x

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I'm done with my passion project presentation/proposal idk, but I'm too anxious to share for some reason lmao??? Maybe it's the period cramps or other stuff happening in my life rn but I probably should.... I also finished the painting I talked about, I think I already mentioned I gave my ip6+ a deepclean a few days ago and I believe I can live without WhatsApp and YouTube (f*ck you apple🙄)

I'm looking podcasts recommendations to subscribe to, I spent my day downloading more literary fiction classics and, gonna spend my night downloading my go to songs to store offline while blasting this song repeatedly:

Today is 26th of May 2025

I just finished House M.D., and it’s got me messed up in the most beautiful way. This show didn’t just entertain me, it gave me something to wake up for, something to stretch the days around. I’d pace myself like it was a slow-burning love affair, knowing I’d mourn the end even before I got there. And now? Yeah. I’m in mourning.

Every episode, every character, I loved all of it. No skips. No fillers. Just layered, painful, brilliant storytelling. And that extra episode Hugh Laurie directed? It cracked open my respect for the whole damn industry. You can tell when an actor bleeds for a role, and baby, he bled for House.

This show wasn’t just a distraction... it was an escape that made me feel more present than real life sometimes. Now that it’s over, I already want to rewatch it. I already miss it. But not in a “rewind the fun” kind of way—more like visiting an old ghost who used to hold your hand while you cried.

And yeah, it hurts knowing I’ll never get that first-time magic back. I envy new fans. I envy not knowing what’s coming. Out of every show I could’ve chosen, I picked this one, and I stuck to it, to the bitter, bittersweet end.

I didn’t think I could love 177 episodes of a limping, sarcastic, drug-addicted genius who pushes everyone away.....but I did. I do. I loved him when he was cruel, when he was right, when he was spiraling, when he tried. Every twitch of those haunted eyes told me he wanted to be saved, even if he didn’t believe in salvation.

And now here I am, broken-hearted and grateful. Because if you're gonna fall for a show, fall for one that ruins you this perfectly.

Mazel Tov.

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Nothing much today, cramping, stayed home with kid, had to tend after kid, we took a nap together tho. I LOVE period cramps 😍🔫

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Today was very productive actually, I'm 80% complete with the project. Anddddddd I'm going back to writing too :D.

I ate the pancakes I made at midnight for breakfast, they were yum as usual :p.

Stuff I consider productive that I did today:

I cleaned my email inbox.

Unsubscribed from random sites I forgot about.

I took 3 coding lesson practices, which lasted a good chunk of my day.

Deleted books and videos that I had saved and I enjoyed but I would actually cry if anyone came across them. This is an attempt to quit that stuff.

Curated podcasts to listen to (I forgot that podcasts on Apple were free).

I downloaded classic books to replace the old ones.

Read and learned about art history instead of doomscrolling or watching the videos I want to keep away from.

Put 1.5hrs to study italian 😝

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Great now I have to think of other courses to take urghhh🙄. Other than that I've made progress with my baby cherub (ehem, passion project) I'm in that stage of contemplating everything I've written 🤣ha ha...

I think something is wrong with me, coz why did I eat 2 dinners smh... See this is why you shouldn't eat dinner early, coz I made a different meal 2 hrs after the first one coz I got munchies 😒. And look, I usually stop at one, duhhh.. But my mouth felt bored today I guess, anddd I have discipline... Maybe its coz I fasted, oh well.

Thinking of making pancake batter rn, or may be even making pancakes for tomorrow so I don't wake up to make them 💔

Anyways, gn.

Angela ¦ "05 ¦ Her ¦ Bi ¦ INFP ¦ Artist ¦ Did I say artist?

ABOUT :

Call me Angel / she-her. this is @angelaness — the essence of me in pixels and words.

Currently 19. Black asf. 180cm tall and very proud of it.

artist, muse, menace.

i draw myself so the world never forgets what it lost when it tried to shrink me. self-portraiture is my love letter to existence. yes I'm obsessed with art like it’s religion.

currently: painting w acrylic, cutting up old jeans, passioning my project (coming soon x) and daydreaming about a future lover I already miss.

.a shrine to girlhood that bites back.

.thoughts too tender for main.

LIKES :

graphite-stained hands. old art masters. kpop, krnb, gl + bl (biased, unashamed). vintage cams + handycam diaries. jazz loops in dim rooms. sims 2 aesthetics, messy art desks, cigarette ash in candle jar. pretty men n women who look like heartbreak. dirt, rex rats, glass hearts, and everything chicly broken. fashion that's slashed + stitched with story. solo dates, long showers, secret blogs. the art kids nobody gets but everybody wants to be. baking. pinterest + spotify combo. stray kids. ive. red velvet. DPR IAN.

DISLIKES :

✧ art theft ✧. nosy people who don’t listen. when people make me explain the magic. over-filtered lives + over-sanitized thoughts. “why don’t you smile more?”/“i don't like what you're wearing”. boys who think height intimidates me; babe, i love towering over you. always. Subconscious bigotry. when 2+ ppl are talking to me/trying to get my attention at the same time irl 💔. bad handwritting. weaponized incompetence.

DNI (DO NOT INTERACT) :

racist, ableist, queerphobic, transphobic, fatphobic, misogynistic, islamaphobic etc (obviously). if you mock kids, art, or dreams. fetishizers (i see you. i block you.). anti-oc / anti-self ship / anti-whimsy. cops + copycats. no age-inappropriate behavior. keep it classy or keep it gone.

BOUNDARIES :

i am not your therapist, your savior, or your fetish. you can trauma dump but plz provide/tell me b4 hand a warning for graphic details. don’t repost or edit my art. ask before using, actually don't use my art for ANYTHING. respect my silence. you can flirt, but know your place. don't be a dumb keyboard warrior spreading hate on my blog, you're just a fictional thing in my phone and i bite back. not gently. usually.

if you stay, stay sweet.

stay strange. stay whimsy.

stay #angelaness.

if you vibed, reblog. if you didnt, scroll. (leave a like blessing tho)

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Mom's birthday!!! I sent her something for mothers day plus her birthday last week :)

A painting I put my soul into, nothing less for mum<3

I've always thought of her as purple💜

Otherwise, nothing much today; I drew a lot, reminisced about childhood and my mom's love, and I'm halfway done with the painting I showed a day before. I did more writing for a proposal for my passion project; hopefully, I'll share it soon with you guys. ☺️

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:0 the date 2005!

Today I tried to complete the painting I started yesterday, but ehh, will finish tomorrow once I get over the overthinking phase.

I did pilates as usual today, and I'm seriously thinking about actually going ahead with signing one of the 2 modelling contracts offered to me, but my mom won't let me 💔but I want to take it (modelling) seriously urghhhh.

Idkkk, and I should actually finish with the uni stuff, idk idk idkkekjskaksvdndksksk I did NOT plan to be alive to experience this moment oh my gooooddddddddddd😖

Warning!!! : Super Cool Loser Black Girl

Pov: You're my friend on Locket :p

I just realised I don't have a pinned intro, I should do one soon, sorry :0 !!!!

Guys I actually think I'm narcissistic lowkey 😭, I love myself!. Gosh aren't I pretty, I could stare at myself all day.

Wait that's totally not narcissistic! I think I'm so cool and kind and so awesome, sometimes I wish I was my friend, or maybe my lover... Is onecest a thing? it should be. This is what #angelaness is about— contentment 🙂‍↕️

Being your true self and embracing it!

Anyways add me, I'm fun I promise x

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Today, not much happened. I babysat the whole day, helped with 2 posters for an assignment, baked thumbprint jam cookies 😻, and had my hair done in cornrows. Overall, it was a decent day, to be honest. Now I'm tucked in my blanket, all giddy and filled with warmth. I ate the last batch at the top that got scorched, don't worry 😭.

I know I just posted this, but writing that made me feel so eerily calm that I got scared for a second, I hear the constant ringing of the night and quiet, the occasional chirps of crickets or other living things I probably don't know about. No music blasting in my eardrums from trying to drown everything to feel functional, just the reassuring sound of snores coming from the room next to mine, my ringlight casting a dim warm light in my room, my blanket feels just as warm it feels silly to have my heater in the room. I feel aware, and I'm loving it.

Please, angels in the four corners of my bed, don't take this feeling away.

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Passion project...

I think I outdid myself yesterday lol, but it was worth it, I just missed the sanctuary of my bed toooo much after those 2 hrs I spent eating, musing, and drawing in public. Today I tried to search 4 unis, the one I was eyeing needed A level results, and wellll..... I cant provide them, and they don't offer bridging courses to their diplomas, infact all their diplomas need A level certs lol. Idk if I can call another uni to ask some stuff tomorrow but I'll try (oops I procrastinated abit too hard-don't learn that from me)

I have been thinking of my passion project lately, and I want to make it real instead of a silly little idea in the back of my mind that I use to distract myself when pressure becomes overwhelming. I even have a pre-project idea for it. If I had half the enthusiastic audience (my angels x) I have here but on TikTok, I think I would've started already and have much support and encouragement to bridge to the actual big project :')

So yeah, I've been brainstorming and pouring my soul into it for years; it keeps beating harder as my skin thickens and my heart feels more alive.

Maybe one day I'll share my plans with you guys, and if Tumblr isn't only about the teens in this mess of life together, then maybe it will become something big and real.

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Today I went to the mall, got groceries, and got a cheescake n milk for myself to indulge in 😼, so I sat at the benches and ate to my fill, it was like a solo date honestly, I did sudoku, I drew half-heartedly yet felt full, and read abit. Came back home, cleaned my room, made myself an avocado milkshake, danced to some tunes and I'm watching YOU as I type this. Now I'm going to stretch, take a shower and tuck myself into my freshly made bed :3.

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Project research, planning, university searching, contemplating life, back to project, cut myself some shorts from jeans I don't wear, planning on what to do with the scraps, organise my dresser, vc with BFF, now to bed

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Need to be my mc since yesterday, she's gorge I wanted her more than matthias 😻😼

Yes I play interactive games like THTH, episodes and choices or wtv AND LADS<3. What else was i gonna say bout it.... Speaking of, I should get episodes again, I'm done with too hot to handle already 😝.

It’s All About Perspective:

Sometimes, all it takes is a quarter turn.

That dried paint blob: smeared, ugly, accidental — can become a dancing figure with big shoes, a biker, an abstract expression, if you just tilt it. And what if your life is the same? What if you’re not broken, lazy, or lost, but simply looking at your own story from the wrong side?

We’ve all been there. Hair greasy, phone hot from hours of scrolling, a million open tabs and zero opened dreams. You’re rotting in bed, flicking from one TikTok to another, laughing, then crying, then dissociating, watching other people live out the things you swore you’d do. It’s addicting. Comfortable. Even aesthetic. "Girl rot" became a moodboard, for Christ's sake but no one tells you that staying there too long leaves you hollow.

But here’s the truth, my dear angels: you’re not the paint blob. You’re the hand turning the page. You decide the angle.

So how do you shift perspective when everything feels heavy? When life is a loop of doomscrolls, late-night existential spirals, and the occasional burst of fake motivation?

You start slow. You start small. You turn the page.

Maybe I'll post something about this topic tomorrow :)

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Sore morning, ovulating high, oats, mall walk, sardine sandwich, curation, hair wash, new kdrama, to bed

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Airport, goodbyes, playlist, songmaking

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Today was an eventful day :D! I played dress up to 2014 diet Pepsi party songs, went out, and stumbled across a free flower arrangement class, and I got to take my own bouquet home!!!! >.<!

Today was really good, life has meaning outside of bedrotting and doomscrolling, go out and find something to do, you'll find joy, relaxation and dopamine from activities you'd usually never bat an eye at!

Since I'm having a good day, here's a cool-ish and fun face reveal (might delete later)

Bonus 🩵

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Brah, nothing much today as usual, I think I can even predict tomorrow accurate I'm not even joking. I'll wake up groggy, do my skin routine, either decide to fast longer, just take tea or coffee, or make a proper breakkie for myself, which is usually oats or like eggs and wtv.

I'm prepping to do a evening stretch or perhaps workout before bed actually.

Im getting nowhere with this drawing lol. Maybe I should test out my new pencils!

The answer to the previous poll was actually the Follicular Phase. The oat cookies really threw most of you off and made you choose the Luteal Phase, but I mentioned more Follicular activities than Luteal. That's my bad. OK, I'm done; my will to do the exercise is stronger than ever!