Diary Entry - Blog Posts

Diary Entry #24: I am losing my mind send help :)))

Reading Becoming A Visible Man by Jamison Green. It's a fucking awesome book, I recommend any trans person read it (especially transmascs and trans men). I use Hoopla to read books free and without my grandparents finding out about it. (You use your library card.)

Tw dysphoria/mild anatomy terms? below cut

But besides that my day was awful, solely due to dysphoria. I had to stop singing to myself at work because I got too dysphoric about my voice (usually with my voice I pretend that it's coming from somewhere else other than myself, but something made me be unable to pretend for a second and I freaked out), kept having to adjust my bra because it doesn't fit right (making me aware that I have breasts, sometimes I forget), and I kept on seeing men that were enviable, gender-wise, which reminds me that I'm stuck in this body I don't want.

I might call the Trans Lifeline tonight because I'm freaking out about the legislation being put in place, and I haven't been using good coping mechanisms so I'm not having a great time.

It feels like everyday the dysphoria gets worse and I don't know what to do. I just want to feel like a man already, but it's hard to do so.

Diary entry #13

I'm in a better mood so no cw today! This is mostly just a collection of random thoughts

Sometimes I look at all these people saying trans people are evil or whatever and I don't get it?? Like I don't really understand why people think that. Like grandmother I'm not going to hurt anyone I am literally just some guy.

You ever see some random motherfucker from the most weird series and decide "that man is my new gender envy source and also I want him." That's me, I fall into this trap literally every time I go into a new series/game or whatever. And it is always the weirdest ones too.

I watched a video on pvz lore, and now I'm like "goddammit I GUESS i'll read the comics now." Like they seem interesting and I need more lore so I'll get around to reading them... sometime. There's just so many issues and I procrastinate on even stuff I want to do.

I talked to my grandma about going to college in Illinois and she didn't like shut it down immediately so I'm hoping for the best.

I guess that's it?

Tw family stuff, dysphoria, sui ig

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Diary entry #6

My mood switched up so fast it's not even funny. Like 1 1/2 hours ago I was perfectly fine but now my grandma yelled at my sister and now I am doing awful. The funny part? I don't even 100% know what they were arguing about or even if they did argue for as long as I think they did, because I was listening to Dance Of Life by Maretu for as long as I could to avoid it.

She snapped at me too, even though it wasn't that bad it won't stop replaying in my head. She acts just like one of those bitchy high school girls, eye rolling and all and it fucking pisses me off. I should be grateful but I'm not because they (my grandpa and grandma) refuse to let me on T or- god forbid- even cut my hair. I can't even dress somewhat masculine because I look like a (d slur). Like 98% of the time they're okay to good, but those 2% moments make me wish I weren't alive.

I just want to be out of the house already. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I can't live like this. I just can't. I don't like how I look and my body repulses me because it's not right and I can't do a damn thing about it.

I need to calm down but I don't know how.

Diary entry #5

You ever so obsessed with a fandom or character that you look at people/things irl and think "hey that looks a lot like [character]!!)

That's the phase of hyperfixation I'm knee deep rn. Plants Vs Zombies hardly has any backstory! We don't know major details about most characters! It's literally a tower defense game that Popcap is actually destroying but I can't help it!! I lose myself in fictional stories, I can't stop thinking about them. If the pvz franchise drops a lore book I'm gonna eat that shit up!!

Also I wanted to read American Teenager, the new book about multiple trans teens in America. I read something similar and I liked it quite a lot even though it was outdated. It's not on Libby yet, and I'm not really supposed to read about trans issues anyways because my grandparents will ask way too many questions. (And I'll probably accidentally out myself.) I might sneak buy it with the christmas gifts I get on amazon this christmas. If any of you have a (legal) way to read it, that'd be great!! I want to support the author.

Diary entry #4

I had a terrible day at work. My vacuum was broken (I'm a houseman at a hotel) but nobody is allowing me to get a new one or switch out the cord or whatever. It's a cord style where you can switch it out and all I need is a new cord and it fucking frustrated me to no end. I'm just gonna buy myself a new cord because I'm not arguing for my ability to get my job done.

Also fun fact about the "houseman" role. It's basically cleaning hotels in the areas where people don't sleep, everywhere besides the rooms. But anyways I said to a random guy on the elevator that I was a houseman and he said I looked more like a housewoman to him (OOF) but something about different identities and stuff. It made me freeze up. If my work counselor wasn't right there I may have said something about, hey, you were right the first time! But my work counselor was there so he'd probably snitch to my (grand)parents, I didn't chance it.

I want to tell people that I'm a guy actually but I'm so afraid of being caught. Can't wait till I get tf out of here (my grandparents house)

Diary entry #2

I want to make some pvz butcher vanity fanart SO BAD but for some reason I keep putting it off. I saw this post about not being able to put your blorbos in situations can be depression and like. yeah that's true.

Butcher Vanity is an amazing song btw

Probably gonna make some MAMA chicken ramen soon

I have underlying dysphoria that just seems to get worse every day. I look at men irl and online that are cool looking and I get so jealous it makes me angry. I'm still stuck in this shell I can hardly recognize, something that can be fixed or made better but I'm not allowed. I can't even cut my hair short for christ's sake.

Started Gravity Falls last night, gonna try to watch an episode a day; for some reason I have problems watching shows/playing videogames even if they're really good. When I was a little kid I didn't have that issue.

8/5/25

okay fuck it we're starting this again

today i had a verbal shutdown for the first time IN PUBLIC and it was really awkward navigating it

i bought a chiikawa blind box, havent opened it yet tho

had this on repeat for an hour today

☆28/09/24☆

chat 🧍🏻‍♀️ i literally want to be a lone wolf like i do not want to be social at all and i wasn't today at all, and so now i can't wait for another spiritual awakening !! new friend is lowkey kinda self centered ab everything so im not even gonna try with that connection but i also think i just really really need some me time

27/12/24 ☆

i came home at 8pm today, the world is so loud and i like keeping quiet. i want to curl up an become a glowing orb

a new friend is already draining me i feel like i have to mask

i met 2 close friends today over hot chocolate and i love them both + physics assignment set :[

when the very religious conservative hardcore homophobic girl asks you how you knew you were bi, and you didn't even tell her.. "how did you know, i haven't told anyone" and watch the panic and confusion set in

°•☆ 14/08/24 ☆•°

im back !! its been a while, me and the girls around me have been through hell and back this past month and i will not show any mercy for those who beg. right now im still healing and learning how to love me better, and spend more time with rhose who i love, especially today. godspeed ♡

☆ 23/06/24

my nephews left :( sad about it :(( no joke all i had was falafel today i swear i ate the entire box, today was very slow

☆ 22/06/24

a late update! ive been hanging out with my nephews far too much im so knackered but i love them both so much, finally logged into the ps4 yesterday its been so long i cant wait to play bioshock again

☆ 21/06/24

today was batshit crazy i greened out for the first time, on a blunt with friends n i thought i wasn't in control of my body and tried to break out of it which only made me trip hard and then puke a bunch but then i had the nicest high ever after that ! and also half a tub of icecream ♡ literally no school lessons today all i did was get high

☆ 20/06/24

the sunrise was pretty today :3 sorry i couldnt update yesterday, me and my siblings were out all night we went to a hiking trail at 12am and went to a field at 3am napped there for a bit all the way up until sunrise. today was slow but nevertheless peaceful

☆ 18/06/24

i learnt a lot today ? not academically but i strengthened relationships and sorted out my feelings today ! love has been very strong in the air as of recent, especially today. me and a friend made daisy chains whilst talking about relations of love and loss. on a related note think i like him...

☆ 17/06/24

it was eid today ♡ i had a lot of good yummy food and my family came over too, my sister made carrot cake and it tasted good. my nephews are coming over tommorow,,

☆ 15/06/24

i got a lot of people who love me today,, and to realise that through a tiktok post is kinda insane but here we are~ my friend made a plan to get me close to one of her friends so i can get with him, im enjoying that mission

☆ 14/06/24

i think ive found a new found interest in someone today,, i bought falafel with my friends it was super yummy~ the squirrel stopped and looked at me and then posed when i pulled out my phone lol

02/05/24 ♡

its finally may ! also exam season.. today was really nice i managed to go to a bookstore today and buy a book for myself and then i went into school to meet my friend after and it was really nice i love walking a lot, this duck followed me + i got oreo boba with extra oreo 🤤

30/04/24 ♡

im gonna keep my entries short now~ today was very chill i have a horrible sore throat and it really sucks to have but i enjoyed good fruit ! ive been living in my head today,, my mind is far better than anything else rn 😭

what ive been listening to:

01/04/24 ☆○°•》♡

it is 4 am !

what ive been listening to recently:

its now the last few days of ramadan lets go i've loved making springrolls everyday without fail 😝

these days have been so ?? ever since my last post i got pulled into the attendance office at school and they were so stern and stubborn about me being in on time and the lady went as far as calling me stupid and jobless 😬

but now that the easter break has come by things seem so nice and quiet and i baked for the first time in a while !! it was so nice my brownies came out so well look at how scrumptious they look,,

on top of my amazing brownies which i might drop the recipe to soon, i also have been speaking to my friends so much more !! im closer with a few people now and healed from people who have hurt me i feel loved and i fuck w it !!

also working on self concept and my spiritual aspect has worked so well i've been keeping my thoughts on a leash and i feel like im in a studio ghibli film on a train and the wind is hitting my face slowly yk?

if i told this to me last november she wouldve sobbed so hard, im glad im doing better yay

09/03/24 ☆☆☆

well damn its been a while.

what im listening to rn!:

the last time i updated was on the 16th last month!? thats like 3 weeks my bad

but now its odd cause i have nothing to say

it's safe to say that these last 3 weeks have been spent on self improvement on my inner self but honestly i need to be focusing on my academics 😭 i have A LOT of coursework to do its insane but ima be real and say i do not care i cannot lie

i'm generally feeling happier !! ♡ its nice feeling somewhat better than this month last year,, i've been feeling fulfilled

but that also means i am near 1 full year of being s/h clean ‼️ (pls cheer)

me and my brother stepped out for a little while yesterday :

i will be updating a lot more 💀 i will actually keep up on it too 😝

\♡3♡/ 16/02/24

i havent updated in a while !! but things are really starting to go my way and im grateful each step of the way~

what ive had on repeat recently :3 :

on saturday me and all my friends did a galentines party and it was so cute and fun and i really enjoyed it !! the cake was yummy (we wrote most boys suck on it) and we all had sm fun

(me in the back with my massive pink sweater and phone 😭😭)

and everyday since then ive just had a really nice fulfillment in my heart ive been working on my self concept too and even manifested a few things~ being grateful for a lot of things really is the answer i cannot believe how far gratitude has gotten me

ive also been working on being more spiritual ever since ive learnt about perception and its influence on the human mind and its been really peaceful so far,,

ive gone ahead and downloaded a bunch of games off of my cousin which resulted in me doing this the whole of yesterday :

i do plan on playing more and the rest of the franchise ofc 😁

thats ab it,, i wanna update weekly instead of everyday now i think its more doable for me

anyway i wish you resiliance, abundance, love and joy ♡♡

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა 11/02/24

express gratitude always ♡

today i've had this song on repeat for the entire day i cannot lie, it's brought me so much peace i love it so much. i've also been thinking about how much love and light is around me and how much importance is around me i cannot physically put into words how it makes me feel as of recent.

i was also thinking, is it possible to grieve the present? or is there another word for what im feeling, it's like i am hyper aware all that is happening in front of me and how much energy and molecules of matter exist in front of me and how i have the pleasure to be awake and breathing so much so that it makes me want to cry for hours on end.. the fact that my soul and body got a chance to co-exist in one reality? .. it seems almost dystopian even though its just life. i dont want anyone to dull this spark of gratitude that ive been feeling. its so euphoric, like genuine self love i suppose? i feel it in me in waves. i'm guessing its good energy.

i drank a lot of tea today, started a new lego piece and watched one of my fave kdramas. how i wish i could live a simple life like this after the school holiday period.

wait why would i wish when i can just believe

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა 08/02/24

all is not lost and grief is needed in order to heal.

ive been trying to make myself all put together and healed up when i havent even done the first step yet which is grieving, ive been putting it off for so long but the reality is that healing does not come without intense emotional releases and i had no idea that i was damaging myself by not allowing myself to process it all, now that i did that today it is very much tiring but its so much more better than staying in an anxious and low state all the time. all is well !! and i believe i will get better and love myself more each and everyday

its really hard to admit that i let someone treat me like i was less than and believed it but also the fact that i saw myself as less deserving, i dont want to be hateful at my past self so all i can do is love and let go no matter how long it takes to do so,, i'll def be sleeping with a clear mind and come to the acceptance of that pain

but i also finished my kuromi lego set today !! look it >

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა 07/02/24

today i can safely say im grateful for everything and everyone that has come my way ♡ i was speaking to my friends a whole lot more today and felt the love all around, i love them so much !! i also worked up the courage to go to lesson today which is something i dont do often, my tiredness and anxiety gets the best of me but im glad i went today, it made me realise that maybe i do enjoy the things that i do, i cant wait for many more blessings to come my way, in fact havent they already? i'm def working on putting a diary entry up everyday 😭 ive got this !

however i know my days arent always sunshine and rainbows, i struggled a lot with unwanted thoughts today.. detachment does not come easy right now but i know it will be easy tommorow. let go and let god is something i now live by.

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 2/2/24

todays been all about challenging emotions, not cause i wanted it to be but instead it has just come to the point where its making me feel a little crazy,, all of this pent up emotion has me looking at myself in the mirror different.

but i know i cant move forward without expressing all of this emotion, yet i keep on catching myself being so worried about other peoples expectations even when they arent even in my life anymore, not just that but also the way i look to other people. i dont want to be like that anymore its draining and irritating and ive been quite irritated today :( it takes patience to make everything fall into order and accept but i wish it was just like night and day, is this a form of karma or punishment? im not sure..

im trying to be kinder to myself and as long as im trying i know there will be an outcome.

but on the positive side i got bubble tea today with my best friend :)

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 31/01/24

i completely forgot to update yesterday,,

i had the worst period cramps ever they hurt so bad and i puked 5 times, truly awful

today just consisted of rest and relaxation but also healing, im aware im not making as much progress as i can be however i like these small steps and im really starting to feel at peace even if im not the happiest on most days

i finally get that healing isn't about keeping peace at all costs but instead going through emotions and processing them and turning back to peace, choosing love over fear always ♡♡

i finally got to play persona 5 royal today, i'd been putting it off cause of my mood but im so glad i did today it really turned my head back on what i usually enjoy,, i cant wait for friday cause thats when persona 3 reload comes out !! i've heard the ost leak for colour the night and i'm absolutely loving it !!

i'll prioritise good time and good friends cause im a good person too, i was speaking to a close friend of mine and he told me that i should only surround myself with people who make me soft and bring out the sweetness in me instead of bitter and cold and that genuinely resonated with me cause i always seem to be putting a mask on infront of people and even some of my friends cause i feel as if i shouldn't let my guard down.

ive been putting my mind onto the music i want to listen to more these days and my mind always goes back to jhene aiko and umi, i love them both and their music always gets me feeling soft and spiritual, i strive to be like that too.. but anyway i wont forget to update tommorow !!