Latest Posts by simplemosquito - Page 4
I should be allowed into every museum’s archives actually
literally drinking a beer by the lake and still opened tumblr. some of us are beyond saving
Stop motion wood working
tool_tips
“average person eats 3 spiders a year” factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted
Just once in my life I want to throw a Molotov Cocktail
one thing to miss about porn on tumblr is how ridiculous people acted like. there was this one catfish on here who would steal other people’s dick pics and pretend they were all him. he’d post circumcised one day and uncut the next like… sir.
femboy football
Everybody give it up for columnar jointing
im sorry i said short people dni . . . i was just jealous of your superior scuttling ability
being on my period makes me feel like a wounded forest animal trying to find a warm dark small place to die
The Least Intimidating bakery in the village has closed for good so now I’ve got to go to the Intimidating Bakery, it’s awful. If you don’t have a PhD in being French I don’t recommend going to that bakery, here’s the humiliating account of the 3 times I’ve visited it so far:
the first time I went in there I pointed at one of those extra-skinny baguettes and said “a flute, please” feeling pretty sure of myself, and the baker said “… that’s a ficelle” (you idiot) (was implied) “a flute is twice as large as a baguette.”
That’s insane, first of all, a flute is a skinny instrument. Call your fat baguette a bassoon, lady—I made some timid remark about how it would make more sense for a flute to be a skinny bread and the baker said, “In Paris it is. I thought you were from the South?”
oh, that hurt
I guess I’m from the part of the South that’s so close to Italy the bread’s waist size matters less than whether it’s got olives in it, but I left the bakery having an existential crisis over whether living in Paris had made me forget my roots
the Least Intimidating Bakery just had normal baguettes vs. seedy baguettes vs. horny baguettes (easy mode, some have seeds, some have horns), while the new bakery has breads that are only different on a molecular level—there’s a good old loaf and then another, identical loaf called a bastard? google told me a bastard is “halfway between a baguette and a bread” but denouncing them like “those are not regulation-sized bastards” would get me banned from the bakery for life
on my 2nd visit (while I stood in line discreetly googling baguette terminology) there was an English tourist who asked for a baguette while pointing at what was either a rustique or a sesame and I felt a bit worried for them, but the baker just clarified “this one?” to waive any responsibility if they found out later it wasn’t a classic baguette, then handed them the bread without educating them in a judgmental tone and I felt envious
I know it’s because she thinks the English are beyond saving but still it made me want to come back with a fake moustache and an English accent so I wouldn’t be expected to play bakery on expert mode just because I’m French. I asked for a pastry this time and the baker asked “no bread with that?” which felt cruel, like she wanted me to sprinkle myself with ashes and admit out loud that my level of bread proficiency isn’t as advanced as I once believed it was
The third time I went, I had lost all self-confidence and I hesitantly pointed at a bread and said “I’d like this, uh—what is it called?” and the baker looked at me in disbelief and said “That’s a baguette.”
God.
for the record, if that stupid bread had been flanked by a skinny bread (ficelle) and a fat one (flute) then yeah of course I would have known to call it a baguette, but in the absence of reference points I now felt lost and scared of being called a Parisian again
it’s hard to express the depth of my suffering so I’ll just let the facts speak for themselves: this morning a French person (me) stood in a French bakery in France surrounded by French people and pointed at a baguette and said “what is this called”
you know what? fuck you. *unionizes your salt*
WAIT FIVE GUYS ISNT A MASC HOOTERS???
I want to print this ask out and frame it and keep it on my nightstand so it's the first and last thing I look at every day until I die
HE
TEEFS
me once i get top surgery
look I'm a lesbian but I 100% agree men need to dress sluttier and you know I'm being selfless bc I get nothing out of this. dress sluttier it's good for you
unfortunately tumblr only allows 10 poll options and there are so many more legendary vines, but….. here goes
more harrier du bois moodboard
Boy the collective tumblr boyfriend has had a really go of it lately huh
P!atd is over. Finally some peace and fucking quiet at the disco.
My bold prediction is that Brendon Urie is going to leave the public eye for a year, maybe two years max and then attempt to make a comeback with his new "wife guy" persona.
My second prediction is that this will blow up in his face within six months
Me: *Removes my cat from my lap to do something else.*
My cat: Father is…evil? Father is unyielding? Father is incapable of love? I am running away. I am packing my little rucksack and going out to explore the world as a lone vagabond. I can no longer thrive in this household.
TUMBLR SEXYREMATCH POLL MASTERPOST
I'll update this as the rounds progress.
ROUND ONE:
Lewis Pepper (Mystery Skulls Animated) vs. Professor Venomous (OK KO)
Guzma (Pokémon) vs. Bill Cipher (Gravity Falls)
The Warden (Superjail) vs. Almond Cookie (Cookie Run)
The Once-ler (The Lorax (2012)) vs. Megamind (Megamind)
Sans (Undertale) vs. Junkrat (Overwatch)
Tony the Talking Clock (Don't Hug Me I'm Scared) vs. Black Hat (Villainous)
King Dice (Cuphead) vs. Raymond (Animal Crossing)
Wheatley (Portal 2) vs. Doc Ock (Marvel)
Nagito Komaeda (Danganronpa) vs. Dr. Habit (Smile for Me)
Cecil Gershwin Palmer (Welcome to Night Vale) vs. Slenderman (???)
Jack Skellington (the Nightmare Before Christmas) vs. Turbo (Wreck-It Ralph)
Ingo (Pokémon) vs. Bruno Madrigal (Encanto)
Purple Guy/William Afton (Five Nights at Freddy's) vs. Spamton (Deltarune)
Alastor (Hazbin Hotel) vs. Loki (Marvel)
Arataka Reigen (Mob Psycho 100) vs. Beetlejuice (Beetlejuice (all versions))
Herobrine (Minecraft) vs. Benr(e)y (Half Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware)
