Keep Them Happy So They Do Not Turn On You

Humans are odd

To jump into the whole humans are space oddities, imagine an aliens reaction to contacts.

Human Kayla had recently joined the ships crew, who all felt rather prepared. They got her a hamster and everything. And so, they go on for a good two weeks until Human Kayla says her contacts were irritating her.

So, of course, everyone is super freaked out because, “Human Kayla! What are these contacts you speak of? Are they part of your body?” and etc.

But then they watch her reach to her face and shove her finger onto her eye. And peel a bit of it off.

And now, of course, the aliens are terrified, because humans can casually peel the top part of their eye off if it hurt them, and it was once again time to update the intergalactic human manual.

here’s another one i thought of

what if humans are the only ones capable of being offended?

like, an alien says, casually “i don’t like you” and the human… reacts? the alien is all “am… i not using that word correctly? like is to indicate a preference for? and I have no particular preference for you human we just met?”

and the human is like “first of all, how dare you“

and the alien doesn’t understand why the human is angry? there was nothing about the value of human in the statement, so why did the alien’s statement distress them so?? the feeling of liking (or absence thereof) was completely dependent upon the [internal thinking mechanism process] of the alien???

and like 30 minutes of language analysis later, they come to the conclusion that, because the human is new, there is no reason for their presence to cause a pleasant feeling (which is liking? the alien guesses), that the alien wasn’t trying to cause offense (OF COURSE NOT, THEY DON’T HAVE A DEATH WISH), so the human is just like “oh, ok, i guess i’ll just have to grow on ya!” *failwink* and then there’s the lightbulb moment for the alien, like

OH. This is why humans are aggressively social. pets/hugs/touches everything. forms pack bonds so quickly and fiercely. They like things. and they want to be liked in return.

Humans Are Weird

Ayup, jumping on the bandwagon

So, humans are weirdly aware apex predators with crazy survival instincts (though sometimes we seem like we might not have any)

There’s been talk before about predictive behavior and pattern recognition, but what about the ley lines?

And liminal spaces?

We will swear up and down about not messing with the Fae, have so many stories about things that happen, of those you do not speak of  lest they take it as in invitation

And disassociation?

And gods beware if of what happens when a damn human dissociates while walking in a liminal space, taunting things their alien companions are hissing at in fear and worry; ‘where did you pick up this human, why did you let them off the ship for krellnak’s sake put that back!’

Humans using peripheral vision to dodge incoming attacks and casually throwing an incendiary device over their shoulder into the enemy without looking, grabbing an injured companion and walking (seemingly) calmly to a med clinic.

Humans who sit for hours or weeks alone in their quarters, refusing to give an explanation afterward

Yanking smaller alien partners up with one hand before they step in something unpleasant

Warning about incoming attacks or foreseeing something, their alien friends staring in wonder and confusion because how could they possibly know about that? Being treated with suspicion at first because of worry about double-crossing spies, human rolling their eyes and explaining yet again about gut feelings, and instincts

Another human pulling aside the commander to explain in whispers about humans who do have abilities, who practice the Craft

Humans explaining about different religions, about those who don’t follow one faith or another, ones who shrug and point at the windows and smile, saying, “Well, we found each other, other life among the stars, who knows what we might find next? Isn’t it exciting?”

Restless humans who pace along the viewscreens, impatiently badgering technicians about how far they’ve gone, where are they going next, how does that work?

Humans who, once they’re on planets, fall to their knees and stay that way for hours, and no, they don’t require a medic, they just want to stay here for a bit.

Humans who are constantly exploring everything, being called up and questioned about their whereabouts, how did they even get there? They shrug, saying they were learning

“Learning what?” Asks the alien leader

A smile, baring teeth that remind them that humans are omnivorous predators. “Everything we can.”

You know that one post about humans being really durable compared to aliens and that one about humans being really cute to aliens?

What if they were both true at the same time. Like the aliens decide to take their human on a landing mission because they get so exited and it’s so cute but then a storm hits and they crash. And the aliens are all freaking out because they can’t be rescued without going outside to fix something but the readings say they’ll die if they do because of the storm. The leader’s all prepared to make a heroic sacrifice when the cute human just walks out the airlock to fix the thing and when they get back they’re just like “what? It’s not that bad out.”

And the aliens find out humans are made of iron on top of being adorable.

Another humans are weird/space orcs idea that came to me while trying to drink water upside down:

Humans are apex predators. We’re unbreakable and relentless and legion and lethal. Nothing gets to us- except us.

It’s the stupidest little things that can stop up a human.

Many aliens have theorized about this. Perhaps with no natural enemies, the species tried to threaten them with themselves in a desperate search for some kind of challenge. Maybe it’s cosmic karma for being nigh unstoppable. Maybe they had transcended so much that the nuances of life were tiny and incomprehensible to them. Maybe it’s natural selection trying to thin the herd.

Whichever the cause, it’s a strange combination of disturbing and amusing to see a human be defeated by itself. It’s a little alarming to see the most resilient and powerful species in the universe be completely shut down with things that pale in comparison to their normal challenges.

Seeing a human function almost completely fully with several broken bones… but absolutely crippled and reduced to using one arm when faced with a large hangnail.

My dad broke his leg in a snowmobile accident in such a way that the bone was sticking out of his leg. He crawled a half mile in the snow to the nearest house to ask for help. But when he stubs his toe on the coffee table every few weeks, it’ll bring him to his knees.

I recently got a double conch piercing done- two massive needles shoved through the thickest cartilage in my ear, one right after the other. I’ve got 5 other piercings. None, not even the conch, hurt as much as getting a single hair yanked out of my head.

I see people eat some of the world’s hottest foods all laced with capsaicin which can kill things, and drink alcohol that’s literally poisonous, and break pen cases with their teeth. But a too cold slush drink? Unable to talk or move, head between the knees, for about two minutes, because brain freeze. Or, better yet, sometimes we literally choke on spit. Nearly asphyxiate. Because we regularly ‘swallow down the wrong hole’. 

Alien: Why did you say, last month, that your broken ribs and arm and massive blood loss was ‘fine’, but when you got a paper cut today, you cried for ten minutes and now still refuse to unwrap your wound? It is tiny in comparison to some things that you’ve faced without hesitation.

Human: Honestly it’s really stupid and I don’t really know, but I will swear up and down and until the day I die, a broken bone hurts way less than a paper cut.

Alien: But… no. It’s not worse. It… that doesn’t make sense.

Human: I know, right? But it’s true. 

So about those space orcs...

I’ve seen a lot of posts about humans pack-bonding with frankly everything, no matter how big, scary, threatening, lethal or oozy.

But you know what I haven’t seen?

Humans entrusting their young to their pack-bonded friends. Because that’s a thing we do. We entrust our children to our friends. We entrust our children to our dogs. We befriend the biggest, meanest, scariest shit, and then we dump our defenseless, hasn’t-even-got-a-fully-fused-skull-yet offspring on them. Half for shits-and-giggles, half because it’s cute, mostly because children are exhausting and we need a nanny.

Keep reading

OKAYOKAYOKAY B U T Aliens that only have mates to reproduce. Once every couple of moons they find their partner, do the do, then find a completely different one the next cycle. Imagine these aliens being confused about the human concept of marriage - “you stay with them for life?“ - and not understanding that while yes, Intaquk, you are very attractive I am married so no I will not be your mate this season. Imagine Valentines Day rolling around and one of a crews humans is feeling sad and the aliens are like “yo r u okay should we feed u or something is this natrual” and the human “just kinda bummed i dont have a valentines” and after a bit of research of the holiday one of the aliens gets down on one knee and offers the human a small rock like “I heard these..proposals are common in human culture?” AND THE HUMAN JUST STARTS SMILING AND TAKES THE PEBBLE LIKE ‘thank you fruiyo’ AND THE OTHER HUMANS AROUND START GUSHING OVER HOW ADORABLE THE SCENE WAS. THE ALIENS PICK UP ON HOW THESE PROPOSALS MAKE THE HUMANS ELATED, THEREFORE SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE ARE PROPOSED TO WITHIN THE MONTH A N D

Well the feeling of being transgender isn't, but identifying is.

Being transgender isn’t, hasn’t and will never be a choice.

Can human young really begin to comprehend complex machinery at such a low amount of accumulated solar rotations?

First attempt at a post

In the “humans are weird” “earth is space Australia” and “humanity fuck yea” posts I haven’t (yet) seen any reworks of the old themes. So of course humans would have trouble with alien tech. Adults being snippity adults can you imagine how some future version of a millennial basher would be?

Human adult: “Gar-friggin’-fuc- hey, hey you! Yea, you, kid. Come make this thing work!” The adult hands some 8 or 9 year old kid who was busy leaving a breadcrumb trail for Sgt. Stabby to follow a piece of tech.

Alien science officer: “Human Frank, that is a finely tuned light-spectrum translation device! The podling will break it!”

Human Frank “Ah, damn kid already figured out how to work it!” And chases after the kid who is writing light messages in an alien language on the floor of the corridor for Sgt. Stabby to dance on as it cleans them off.

Alien Science Officer: “12 standard cycles. I have 12 standard cycles of training to use this device…” And just wandering off for alien whisky and to commiserate with other members of the crew.