Chuuya: If We Were Together Every Day, All Day, If We Slept Together, If We Woke Up Together And If We

*Dazai and Chuuya get captured and are tied together*

Dazai: Chill out slug. It's not like you've never been tied up before.

Chuuya, talking really fast: Sure. But there weren't involved a psycho and a piece of shit.

Dazai: Am I... Okay, Am I the the psycho or the piece of shit?

Chuuya: Both.

Chuuya: I find that I adore a person pleasantly more if they can speak a second language, especially French.

Dazai: Ma ciao!

Chuuya:

Dazai, who had a sex dream about Chuuya: Drunk ppl do tons of things they don't normally do when their sleeping, like snore and have really weird dreams.

Dazai: Like sex dreams but it doesn't even matter cause dreams don't mean anything.

Chuuya, who also had a sex dream about Dazai: You're right. They don't mean anyhting. You can have a sex dream about someone you're repulsed by irl.

Dazai: Yes, yes exactly. Thank you, Chuuya.

Dazai: You could have a sex dream about, like, me.

Chuuya: But I didn't.

Chuuya: And if I had it would be a sex nightmare cause I hate you.

Dazai: And I hate you too, thank you.

Chuuya: The mission might be over, but as long as you're around, we'll always get into trouble.

Dazai, happily: Thanks Chuu!!!

Chuuya: Not a compliment.

Dazai: 😔

Dazai: Babe!

Chuuya: Don’t call me that!

Dazai: Chibi, honey, dear, love, sunshine, slug-

Chuuya: Dazai-

Dazai: Darling, hat rack, sweetheart, my God of fire-

Chuuya: Dazai no-

Dazai: Mi amore, the light of my life, my chihuahua, my doggie, my baby, angel, baby boy, baby girl-

Dazai: My petit mafia, shortie, sweetie-

Chuuya: Are you done?

Dazai: My beloved, the best executive, the anchor of my universe, the loml, my other half, my soulmate..

Chuuya:

Dazai: Ok, now I’m done.

Chuuya: Ok what did you want?

Dazai:

Dazai: Oh I forgot.

*the agency reorganizes and cleans the office cause it is a total mess*

Kunikida: We need a more efficient method. What about the Norwegian system Munkensmat?

The ada: ???

Kunikida: In Munkensmat, you get rid of all personal possessions except one.

Dazai: Ok I'll go first. It's between my antidepressants and this fidget spinner.

Dazai: *throws in the can his meds*

Dazai: I think I made the right call.

Dazai, stumbling in through the window of Chuuya's room with a broken red rose in his mouth:

Chuuya, startled: What the fuck are you doing?

Dazai, falling on the floor: I’m trying to be romantic, shut up.

Atsushi: What is it like to be aspec? I don't really get it.

Dazai: Ok, listen up. Mentally I'm very romantic.

Dazai: Physically I'm asexual.

Dazai: Spiritually I'm a fucking slut.

Atsushi: Yep, makes sense.

Dazai: I want my vagina shaved ladies.

Chuuya: Then shave your vagina, Dazai.

Chuuya, waisted, through the phone: It gets lonely here. And you know what happens when I'm lonely mackerel?

Dazai:

Chuuya: When I'm lonely I become hungry and when I become hungry I want to choke on that *beep* of yours, *beep* close, then lick all of your *beep* before taking out your *beep* and *beep* with more teeth *beep* until you're screaming *extended beep* like a fucking baby-

Dazai, traumatized: *ends the call, breaks his phone in two, punches the broken phone with a big book multiple times, makes a milkshake with the million little pieces of what remained from the phone and then gives it to Atsushi to drink it*