I’m Never Going To Recover, It’s Too Late Now. I’m Just Gonna Be Stuck In A Binge Restrict Cycle

I hate food I hate my brain why can’t I stop thinking about food I can’t do this I can’t control myself I can’t binge again but I know I’m going to I can’t do this

It’s really hit me over the past couple days how much my disordered eating has taken over my life, it’s like I no longer have a personal life outside of it. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep all I can think about is food and weight, I spend my days inside rather rotting in my bed scrolling through ED content or I’m walking for hours on end, waiting for tomorrow to come to see if I’m any closer to my GW. I don’t have any hobbies and I self isolate, going days without talking to anyone besides my immediate family.

I don’t even know how to feel, it’s like I don’t feel anything at all. I’m honestly pretty ambivalent to it, in retrospect it’s depressing but like Im still fat, it’s only been 7 weeks since I relapsed and I don’t feel like I’m sick enough, I still have so far to go and so much to lose.

Broke my fast even though I wasn’t hungry, gave up 2 seconds into my workout and found out that due to binging and being a lazy fuck like I am tonight losertown estimates I’ll be at my ugw on the 10th of July, a whole month later than I had planned to reach it.

I want to die, I am constantly miserable and everyday I get closer and closer to genuinely just killing myself because I can’t take this. I hate my body and I hate my mind, I hate myself.

Oh my god I binged so hard at that sleepover I feel sickly full, I’m sure I’ve gone straight back up to 53kg.

As of tomorrow I will be fasting until Wednesday, then going back to 400 max a day.

I think I’m gonna switch my morning monster to a different drink, maybe a coffee or chocolate milk because I’m beginning to despise carbonation.

Why does the scale say I’m losing weight when I still look like a whale????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

After a particularity gruelling binge last night, I am as of now officially back up to my highest weight of 57kg. A month and a half of restricting, almost 7 whole kg lost, all gained back in the span of 6 days. This feels like a nightmare that I just want to wake up from, I want it all to stop but it won’t. Im in so much pain, I just to purge it all out but I can’t because barely anything comes out when I try to make myself vomit and I have to wait until tonight to take any laxatives because I don’t want to risk shitting myself at work. I feel so alone, I just want this all to end. I dont want to lose my friends but I can’t control myself around them, not like I used to be able too. I can’t take another week of this constant binging because I’m hanging out with them every single fucking day. I just can’t do this, I don’t know what to do.

Time feels so slow when you’re restricting, the past week has felt like the equivalent of an entire month.

Day 3 of fasting, feeling too depressed to get my steps in yet again so I’m just gonna keep going and I’ll break it tmr afternoon maybe

RAHH I’ve had this pain in my back right ribs for days now and it’s making walking so painful 😔