Man I Took 15+ Laxatives Last Night And It Has Barely Effected Me, I Fear I Have Developed A Tolerance

Alright guys fess up who cursed me cause tell me why I’ve gone from having a borderline addiction to walking and getting 20k+ steps a day to absolutely dreading it and barely passing 10k

I hate food I hate my brain why can’t I stop thinking about food I can’t do this I can’t control myself I can’t binge again but I know I’m going to I can’t do this

I want to up my intake to 800 a couple days a week so I can speed up my metabolism and get more protein in but I did it today and I feel horrible and out of control and like I’m going to gain so much weight. I don’t know how or if I’m going to be able to do it to be honest, and even worse, I’m having a big sleepover with my friends this weekend and I’m sure there will be so much food. I want to cry, I can’t do this, why can’t this weight just get the fuck off of me already.

Kind of debating raising my intake to 800 every couple days just so I can start getting some more protein in because I’m averaging like 10g at best but idk I hate change

Just finished my 20k steps, did a 10 minute stretch and stayed under my 450 cal limit we are so back and I am so ready for bed.

Goodnight lovelies may tomorrow be as, if not more successful as today has been <3

So I just got back from my friends 3 day birthday trip which ended up turning into a 3 day long binge episode.

3 days of eating 3,000/5,000+ calories a day, food noise making it impossible to do anything or feel any sense of enjoyment, comparing myself and how much I ate to my skinny friend which made me so fucking depressed because she barely ate anything, shamefully gorging myself on food in the bathrooms, being in excruciating pain and discomfort from being so bloated, and having no way of relieving myself of it due to not bringing laxatives and being unable to purge.

This feels like a nightmare, and now I’m home it’s gotten worse, I can’t stop and I’m hanging out with my other friends tomorrow where we have a whole Easter dinner planned. We are probably going to go swimming but I’m so fat anf bloated the thought of taking my clothes off or revealing even an inch of myself makes me want to die. I don’t know what to do, I just want to die. I hate myself so much, I’ve never felt so ashamed, disappointed and insecure in my life.

That being said I just took 8 laxatives and am probably gonna take another 10 or 12 in a couple hours, walking feels useless and honestly painful but once the laxatives start working I might try and exercise for a couple hours.

Debating if I should get sushi & miso soup before work or just stick to my regular toast hmm hmmmm

I binged again, it feels like I blacked out and now I just woke up. I feel sick, my stomach hurts, I can feel the fat rolls that I swear weren’t there before. I can feel that my stomach has adjusted and expanded to accomodate the binges, the guilt is eating me alive. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror. I don’t know if I can do this anymore, I can’t go another day in this fat uncontrollable body. Everything hurts. I’m ready to die.

I feel so alone, I keep so much to myself and whatever I do try to express I can’t properly so no one can truly understand me. I’m going to die a stranger to my loved ones.

I have been so productive today omg I wrote an entire essay and already got 10k+ steps and have stayed under 400 calories so far 💪💪