While I Am Very Pro-recovery, I Am Also Very Very Pro Bodily Autonomy. Many People Don't Get To Make

HUZZAH the laxatives kicked in and it looks like I’m back down to around the 52kg mark give or take. I mean I still look fat as hell and hate myself so much for letting myself gain but the binge episode has passed and I feel more in control, more like myself.

I’m actually in disbelief of how much weight I’ve managed to put on in the past couple of days, I don’t think I’ve ever looked fatter in my life like even at my highest weight so I must have managed to gain at least 5-7kg since Monday night. I’m especially concerned because I’ve already purged and taken 20+ laxatives in the past couple hours and the bloating hasn’t gone down at all so it must be legitimate weight.

I’m hoping that my laxatives kick in soon and that I’m able to digest a large amount of the binge remnants in my sleep because if I look the same tomorrow I’m genuinely gonna cancel the dinner party plans and just rot in my room and fast.

Need to cut this lower belly fat off of me NYAWWW

My family just told me that we are moving back down to my hometown in June. I’m so upset Ive worked so hard to establish my life and support system up here and now I’m going to lose it all, and there is barely any mental health services back there. I am now even more determined to lose enough weight to be hospitalised within the next 3 months so I can stay here longer. They can’t take me back, I won’t let them.

Life may be shit and I may be failing at both my job and education but atleast I got my bffs and the sense of control from restriction to keep me going 💪💪

My prayers have been answered I lost a kilo overnight, laxatives what would I do without you🙏🙏

Now I’m only 0.7kg away from my pre binge weight, Im gonna work my ass off today and take even more laxatives so hopefully I can lose as much if not more than I did today and wake up at a new LW !!

Binging has set me back so much, I’m all the way back up to basically 54kg and my mindset and discipline has crumbled. If I hadn’t binged I would be underweight and would have gotten more than 20k steps by now but alas it’s 4:30pm and I just started walking, and my endurance and motivation has gone to shit so I’ll probably only get 10k steps at best.

I know sulking won’t get me anywhere, and I’m getting back on track but it’s just so hard to deal with.

I’m never going to recover, it’s too late now. I’m just gonna be stuck in a binge restrict cycle for the rest of my life, I know it.

It’s really hit me over the past couple days how much my disordered eating has taken over my life, it’s like I no longer have a personal life outside of it. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep all I can think about is food and weight, I spend my days inside rather rotting in my bed scrolling through ED content or I’m walking for hours on end, waiting for tomorrow to come to see if I’m any closer to my GW. I don’t have any hobbies and I self isolate, going days without talking to anyone besides my immediate family.

I don’t even know how to feel, it’s like I don’t feel anything at all. I’m honestly pretty ambivalent to it, in retrospect it’s depressing but like Im still fat, it’s only been 7 weeks since I relapsed and I don’t feel like I’m sick enough, I still have so far to go and so much to lose.

I’m so anxious I’m going to wake up having gained or maintained the anticipation is making it impossible to sleep PLEASE LORD I KNOW IM ON MY PERIOD SO IM GOING TO GAIN AND RETAIN WATER WEIGHT SUPER EASILY BUT I NEED TO WAKE UP 53kg PLEASEEE