I’m Not Gonna Die Just Yet. I Have Plans.

I’m not gonna die just yet. I have plans.

A guide to working the night shift

Check it there is going to be a full moon. If there is not, go in as normal. You will be okay.

If there will be a full moon, it is essential to follow this guide.

Get lots of sleep the day before.

Bring a fully charged phone, snacks, and water. Do not bring any flavored drink. The spirits will turn it to water, anyway.

About an hour before work, drive to your nearest Church. Do not walk or take the bus. If you must, ignore anyone who tries to talk to you on the way. They will be spirits trying to learn more about you.

Enter the Church and put some holy water on your hand. This will not do particularly anything, but it is nice to have some reassurance.

If there is an old man in the pews, ask him for his greatest piece of advice. If he ignores you, and he will, ask him again. He will tell you to be careful at work tonight. Make sure to thank him for his time, he will appreciate your manners.

Drive to work. Be a bit early, the spirits will not expect you to be early.

If you know your co-worker(s) well, ask them for gum. If they give you mint, back away slowly and continue working as normal. They are a spirit in disguise. Any other flavor, tell them to leave early. Do not take no for an answer.

If you do not know your co-worker(s) well, do not get too attached. They will be dead before 11pm. Do not feel guilty, there is nothing you can do.

Keep an eye on the clock. Do not walk or talk loudly, it can hear you. Do not wonder about what “it” is, you wouldn’t be able to fathom it anyway.

Once the clock hits 11 pm, the lights will go off. Do not worry, they will go back on soon.

When they come back on, your co-workers will be gone. Do not cry. The spirits will not pity you. There will be 3 customers left. 2 are spirits, one is real. You should help the real customer escape, he will give you something you need. However, you cannot leave with them. It will not allow you to.

Approach the first customer. Ask him if he needs any help. Slowly tap your foot while talking with them. If they cover their ears, apologize. They are a spirit. Spirits hate foot tapping. They will not hurt you, at least for now. Repeat until you find the real customer.

Tell the real customer that Bob sent you. He will know what you mean. He will begin to exit the store with his items in hand, unpaid for. Remind him that he must pay. He will glance at you, then begin walking out again. Do not worry, he will have paid you. You will find out what he gave you soon.

Now, you will be alone with the two spirit customers. Relax for a little bit, the worst is yet to come. Drink your water, but not too much. You don’t know what the spirits could have put in there.

Once the clock hits midnight, the lights will shut off again. Except this time they will not come back on. Leave the register, go to the back of the store. You will see a bottle of water that is upside down. Take it and drink it, for that is not water. You will be able to see better now.

Items from the shelves will begin to fall over. Pick them back up. You are, after all, working the night shift. If items from the fridges begin to fall, the spirits are extra angry. You must have wronged them. I told you to follow the guide exactly. I am sorry. Death is not what you should fear. What will happen to you is much worse than death.

If the fridges stay intact, you are safe for now. Do not talk or yell. Do not bother calling the police. Call your mom. Mother knows best. She will pick up. Although, it will not be your mom. Nevertheless, listen to her. She will tell you how to contact the spirits. I cannot share that information with you.

Use her instructions and contact the spirits. Ask them to spare you. They will say no. That is expected.

Spirits do not spare people willingly. They take trades, however. It is not easy to trade with a spirit. They only accept souls. People are only born with one soul, their own.

Put your hand in your right pocket. You will feel something indescribable. Do not pull it out. It is what the real customer paid you with, a soul. Do not feel bad, he has many.

Contact the spirits using the method from before. If you do not remember how there is nothing you can do. I am sorry. Your fate is sealed.

Tell the spirits you have a trade. Take the soul out of your pocket, and hold it up above your head. You will feel your legs begin to weaken. You will fall to your knees, and eventually you will pass out. You will wake up with the soul gone and the lights back on. Continue working as normal, the spirits have spared you.

Do not speak of this event to anyone, the spirits will not take kindly to that. They will appreciate your silence. Make sure to call your mom and thank her. She will not have any idea what you are talking about, but she will appreciate the gesture.

More guides

A Guide to Keeping your Heart Soft

How to enter your subconscious

If you are a researcher or adventurer and want to share a guide, join our subreddit!

There are Monsters in the Dark

[Bruce waking up to Jason looming over him]

Bruce, bleary eyed: Jason? Why- why are you watching me sleep?

Jason: I need your help.

Bruce, groaning: What did you do?

Jason: Excuse you, I did nothing but be my perfect angel self.

Bruce, deadpan: Ah yes, angel and Jason. Two words that are basically synonymous. Well then, my angel child, I'm sure this can wait till tomorrow after I have had at least 3 hours of sleep.

Jason: It actually can't, because there is currently a monster residing under my bed.

Bruce:

Bruce, blinking slowly: Jason, you are 22. There isn't a monster under your bed.

Jason: Oh, silly me, let me just inform the MONSTER under MY BED that there is apparently an age limit on that sort of behavior.

Bruce: You can't be serious, Jay.

Jason: Deadly. Much like the monster under my bed. And as my dad it is your job to get rid of it.

Bruce: *Getting up and angrily putting his robe on* Alfred help you, Jason, if you woke me up at 4 am to kill a spider.

Jason: Firstly, it's not a spider, Bruce. And secondly, there is no need to invoke the name of our lord and savior, Alfred Pennyworth.

Bruce: *rolling his eyes*

[Bruce getting on his knees to check under the bed]

Bruce: See, there's no- F*CK! *Bruce slamming his head against the bed-frame upon seeing Tim dressed as the Joker under the bed*

Jason, laughing hysterically: Oh my god, I should have filmed that.

Bruce, wide-eyed looking at Jason: What is wrong with you?

Jason: So, so many things. But this right here, was genius.

Bruce: Tim! Get out from under the bed, now!

Tim: *Crawling out from under the bed* Sorry, Bruce. But that was pretty funny.

Bruce: No! It wasn't! That is the most horrifying sh*t you two have ever pulled!

Tim: What about that time in-

Bruce: And yes. I am including the incident in Shanghai.

*Tim and Jason grinning and high-fiving*

Bruce: No! No high-fiving! This is not a high-fiving moment! I could have seriously injured, Tim.

Tim, snorting: When? After or before you screamed and hit your head against the bed?

Bruce: *Unimpressed bat-glare*

Bruce: I'm returning you both.

Jason: Sorry, there's a no return policy on broken orphans.

Tim: *snorting and high-fiving Jason again*

Bruce: Stop high-fiving! This is serious!

Jason: Yeah, yeah, Old Man. Save the lecture. We're on a time crunch, we still have to dress Timbers up as Ra's and hide him in the Demon Brats closet.

Bruce:

Bruce: Why are you two like this?

Jason, shrugging: Blame it on the childhood trauma.

[Tim and Jason walking out of the room]

Bruce: Alcohol. I need Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

Tags

batman damian wayne bruce wayne tim drake red robin jason todd robin alfred pennyworth redhood

2K notes View Post

fish-fish-fish

5 years ago

Tim: hey guys I’m gonna add pictures to the groupchat of all of us as birds.

Jason: don’t

Steph: pls don’t

Dick: c'mon, that actually sounds kinda cute

Tim: thank you Dick! I’ll do yours first!

What Dick Grayson thinks he looks like kissing someone

Tim: Hey Guys I’m Gonna Add Pictures To The Groupchat Of All Of Us As Birds.

Vs. What he ACTUALLY looks like

Dick: i take it back

984 notes View Post

fish-fish-fish

5 years ago

Duke *about Tim*: Haven't seen him move yet but I left some coffee out and I keep checking, hopefully he'll get up and leave sometime.

Tags

batfam batfamily duke thomas signal source: me

7 notes View Post

fish-fish-fish

4 years ago

Totally not DC related but I found this guy yesterday. A friend took him home and they’re doing good. Not even 2 weeks old yet we have claimed ownership and responsibility over them.

Raymond the grill mouse

Hope he'll be okay!

Tags

shitpost

6 notes View Post

fish-fish-fish

5 years ago

Due to my lack of post today, have some soft Batfam Headcanons

Some of these are mine, others I found

- All the kids have (and will) hide under Bruce’s cape. (Bonus if its everyone at the same time and Bruce is trying hard not to trip over an unseen arm or leg)

- Bruce is like a statue when standing. All the young Robins have taken to climbing him for various reasons (boredom, to get his attention, fear of a spider, ect)

- Jason is a culinary artist. Dick will burn cereal (god help him)

- Damian is four foot nothing and his two older brothers abuse the fact that they can pick him up or toss him onto a couch way too easily

- No one (NO ONE) can sneak up on Alfred. Its impossible. All the Bats have tried, and all have failed.

- Even though only the youngest kids live at the manor, every member of the Batfam has their own room with various belongings in case they need to crash. (Jason took the locks off the windows of his room so he sleeps at the manor way more than anyone realizes. Alfred knows, but says nothing)

- The Bats all have each other’s backs at ALL times. You can’t blindside one Bat because another one is already punching you.

- They take bullets for each other and then argue about it.

- You do not try and wake a Batkid. Don’t. Just don’t. I don’t care how peaceful they look. If you put a hand on them, you will be punched. (Bruce has suffered many bruises because of this). Daddybats is the only one who doesn’t because he can’t risk hitting one of his kids who comes into his room after a nightmare.

- Diana Prince is named Godmother to all the Batchildren in Bruce’s will. Alfred (of course) and Clark are both named Godfather.

- Stephanie runs an anonymous Snapchat for the vigilantes of Gotham. It involves lots of candid videos of Nightwing dancing and other Batkids falling asleep. The Snapchat is followed by almost every citizen of Gotham.

- Jason has been caught several times in public with his siblings by the paparazzi. So they decided he was a “bodyguard” for the Waynes. Of course, his appearance set off several conspiracy theories about Jason Todd’s untimely death, but he looks so much older now no one can be sure.

- Half of Damian’s closet is Dick’s clothes. T-shirts, sweaters, even most of Dick’s old clothes from when he was Damian’s age. One time, Damian took one of Jason’s sweatshirts by mistake. Everyone was too surprised to say anything and Damian was too stubborn to admit his fault. So Jason let him keep it.

- The other Bat guilty of stealing clothes is Cass. She regularly wears her brothers’ clothes, resulting in outfits with Dick’s shirt, Jason’s jacket, Tim’s sneakers and Damian’s scarf. (They think she does it to establish dominance, but she genuinely likes the way all the clothes combine to smell like home)

- Damian snacks constantly, even more than Dick. He’s a growing boy who burns off almost every calorie every night, so he’s eating a hole through Alfred’s pantry. Junk food used to make him sick, but he’s since gotten used to chips and cheese puffs and HOARDS them.

- Jason and Dick are HUGE. Both of them. Dick is 6'0" and though he is more on the slender side, he’s still hella built. Jason is taller by three inches, and much thicker (very much a tank). They unintentionally combine to make a very intimidating presence.

- All the batgirls have muscles that no one would BELIEVE. I’m talking full abs and bicep action. You can’t be skinny trying to throw someone twice your weight.

- Jason (like Bruce) is a softie when it comes to kids. His niece asks to paint his nails neon pink? Knock yourself out kiddo. On the other hand, Tim has no clue how to handle children. He was once left to babysit a kidnapped child while the police showed up and tried making conversation with the two year old about physics (it didn’t work out)

- Bruce has an open door policy for every young hero. No explanation needed. Just ask to stay the night and Alfred will have a bed ready for you in 20 mins.

- Damian and Duke binge watch Disney movies together and Dami will sing along if he’s sleepy.

- Barbara will roll her wheelchair over another sibling’s foot if they piss her off (she makes sure they’re not wearing shoes to ensure maximum damage)

(Sorry for the long post :3 feel free to add your own!)

- Cas

Tags

batfamily

1K notes View Post

fish-fish-fish

1 year ago

Activate your boops?

Boop boop

2 notes View Post

fish-fish-fish

4 years ago