A Long Week.

BORN PINK in Seoul (Day 2)

“He’s toxic. His smile will poison you. His boyish charm dangerous. The glint in his eyes as he challenges you to do something devious is lethal.”

— (via hellothisistruth)

15th october, saturday.

the lights go off and she can hear everything, the crowd cheering, curious, anticipating whatever may come next -- and the increased volume when her name is the only thing in lights. she knows, aims for an element of surprise.

i love you and me, ... dancing in the moonlight ...

a lover of the moon, that's jennie. someone who has sought endless comfort on silent nights by pouring up a bath and watching the sky, or walked out to the river to seek an undefined *something* while in company of only the stars and moon. they see her sins and mistakes, yet never leave her.

he was the same for her once, but not anymore. and she is scared that life lacks meaning.

the man who dances with her is in charge, fluid and gentle in his movements, many which are inspired by ballet. it's dark around them, a rendition of the moon there to blind the crowd and for a brief moment only the shadowy outlines of jennie and her partner exist in the world, no one else. he moves like he cherishes her -- she pushes him away, because that lie has been told before. and jennie want it seen, for the world to be aware that she knows she is trouble, without saying the words.

feigned independence is a contrast of red on the otherwise clean and white backdrop. love isn't only bright and beautiful, it's harsh and complex.

the song and performance hits close to home. that was the whole point, in this way she can open up, tell the world that she is scared of what she longs for the most. am i asking for help?

yet she smiles more than she means to, because this, on the very stage, is the thrill she lives for. until the dancer grabs her hands above her head, because she needs that, someone reaching out to hold her. perhaps to forcefully remind her that she is worth the struggle of fame and gossip, that her fears cannot compare to the hold he has on her. reassurance. possessiveness.

but fear.

her hand refusing to take his once free from the hold, a glamorized battle for control, intimacy, and trust. ( the one who gives up control in love is the one left in pain when the illusion is over ) all mixed in with magnetic drive to not let go, being unable to, being drawn in for more. it settles on the hemline of his pants -- her fingertips onto bare skin as his shirt is undone. love isn't only childish and innocent, it's manipulative and dark, dipped in lust. words unspoken through escapades where the moonlight is the only thing illuminating two lovers. jennie finds it vulnerable, a contrast from what many view as easy, because she believes there is truth in each exchange. it has lead her astray a few times, but unspoken reassuance and an acceptance of each other happens even like that ; tangled up in bed, letting someone see your darkness.

the subtle art of attraction.

she sings about liking how he makes her feel, how it puts a something in her days, how she doesn't care about his previous loves because she plans to be his last, and it all feels like an old page out of her notebook, the one she goes nowhere without.

i don't wanna fall, don't wanna play this game alone with nowhere to hide ...

jennie knows the person the song is about never will be back, she's alone and this is a letter to the moon.

maybe someday someone will understand, and still hold her there through the fight. she wants to think she is valuable enough.

24th january, tuesday.

paris fashion week. no, wait.. that was not why they were there this time. but it is the reason jennie faces discomfort, and what has most of her attention.

an invite delivered with a bouquet of flowers, both sent to her hotel room early in the morning the day before, outfit chosen and tailored .. smiles and childish excitement, excuses to be made pretty and expensive clothes still thrill her even after these almost seven years .. seven years ago, that man already loved paris, french erotic movies, french horror, and there had been plans to go there together throughout their 7-month relationship .. irony, but those are thoughts that won't cross jennie's mind for a few more hours. until then she exists in excitement, blissfully unaware.

as an idol she is anything but a stranger to sneaking away or missing out on experiences for love, but on the day of the fashion show she is met by the news that her ex boyfriend is in attendance of the same show. suddenly: the impulsive choice of ditching an important event because this is the love who snuck into her nightmares even years after it ended.

perhaps things would have looked different if it had been her second or third -- bashful glances and corners of lips curving upwards, while knowing it wouldn't go further. no harm besides planned futures which no longer are shared. quite an ordinary thing in life.

but on paris streets roam her first love, a man who taught her that peaceful love and honesty isn't granted only because there is a relationship between two people. him, the creator of now faint outlines of scars on her thighs. and the memories of being disposable, not good enough for his eyes (and hands) to linger only on her. paired with the insults, comparisons, lies. but he is a superstar. and she cannot risk standing there with him, face to face. because he never lost an argument. a proof in itself after he refused to dismiss their years-late rumors of dating, jennie considers it a petty act of revenge, because nothing in this world would tie her to that man by choice anymore. 2017 jennie simply hadn't been as clever and sometimes the consequences come much later. but who ever think they will be followed by the past to this extent?

wine. the chosen poison of the day. not the correct one, but she will call a friend for further assistance, that chanel show is going to be forgotten by blowing a month's rent on shopping.

no one needs to know why jennie bailed on her fashionshow schedule all of a sudden, not even her friend.

27th september, tuesday.

jetlag still haunts her with only a few days since arriving back in korea, skipping from LA to NYC left its own mark, and the restless nights lead here ; too tired to be swallowed alive by stress, too tired to run from photo after photo which may make way from her icloud.

life had been eventful, perhaps too much. an impromptu meeting at 5-something am in desperation for help at securing her devices. her manager had recommended the person in question, and that night had been long and hectic. yet in the midst of the mess jennie had considered it almost therapeutic to have her sins exposed to someone, it was the closest to honesty that the situation had offered. and somehow -- closure. this is happening, whether she wants it to or not. and all she can do is cope, be fluid, embrace the speckles of light and the weight of darkness. unsure of what to expect out of their meeting she had kept the man company until early hours, when the sun would make its way over the cityscape of seoul. he had been concentrated, fingers swift over the keyboard, explained what jennie couldn't fully grasp, and once voicing out positivity she had relaxed for the first time since the news broke. and thus? fallen asleep on his sofa. it had ironically turned into the safest spot in seoul.

the moon is at its prettiest in the dark, jennie thinks while getting dressed up in a white mini-dress. one could consider it innocent looking, if not for the fact that it barely offers coverage. ( she thanks yoga and boxing and running for being able to pull it off ) but her styling team positively chimes that this ! this is the dress which will soften her appearance after all the ongoing rumors! it takes more than a dress for that, but her friends abroad offer assurance over the phone-- telling her that this is all like a big tv show, her whole life. and now is the time to play the part.

with how the past days had looked, jennie feels like a fraud. ( perhaps that is why she only makes it through half the event before spilling coffee on the dress .. though some may blame her anxiety, the fear of people and what they think of her .. and changes back into baggy black jeans instead.. )

delicate shoulders are exposed, so she looks as tiny as she is, harmless, dainty. fans still greet her with excitement and jennie once again wonders whether she deserves their patience or faith, hell -- she doesn't even have any faith in herself. only knows that she is in this labyrinth of fame until it is over, however the end may reach her.

Tender is the night For a broken heart Who will dry your eyes When it falls apart?

jenrubyjane

03.03 / 16:13kst

blinks 🤍 i’m writing this post just in case you guys might get surprised. while taking this small break i’ve been looking after my health, eaten well and slept but while i was exercising, i took a wrong step and fell down and got a small injury on my face 🥺 i hoped it’d heal quickly so that you wouldn’t worry, but it’s still in the process of recovering so i think i’m going to have a band-aid on my face for a while. even if i look dumb, please understand ☺️ i want to put on a good show for everyone and i’m sorry. promise i’ll get better soon so don’t worry, see you soon.

03.03 / 16:19kst

you reallyreally don’t need to worry ☺️

03.03 / 16:24kst

that’s why… i can’t really take much pictures these days and i’m getting treatment everyday 🤦‍♀️ i’m sorry blinks 🤕🤕🤕

03.03 / 16:25kst

but now that i’ve told you i’ll try to take pictures even with the band-aid on 🙊🙊🙊

“Come over. I don’t really mind whether we talk for hours, get blind drunk, or sit in silence and look up to the stars. Sometimes, the world down here just gets a bit much, and I need to lose myself in someone’s company for a little while.”

— Beau Taplin