Tender Is The Night For A Broken Heart Who Will Dry Your Eyes When It Falls Apart?

“He’s toxic. His smile will poison you. His boyish charm dangerous. The glint in his eyes as he challenges you to do something devious is lethal.”

— (via hellothisistruth)

“I just want one person to fight for me. To make me feel like I’m worth never letting go. I need someone to fight for me so selflessly and passionately; so much so, I can feel it through the universe. I want someone to hold on tight to me, because they know I’m worth it, the way I know I’m worth it.”

— Treka L. House

♡%    .  .  .    ❀ ❜  an au  celebrity character  inspired  by  the idol & the  many  rumors  and  things  heard  of   jennie  kim.

         a  collection  of  industry  chaos  and  rich  girl  problems.   by  m.

twitter / carrd ( read for plots, disclaimer, stats & about )

“I don’t want to be a piece of art. Nobody touches artwork. They just look from afar and move on.”

— Azra.T  (via 5000letters)

24th january, tuesday.

paris fashion week. no, wait.. that was not why they were there this time. but it is the reason jennie faces discomfort, and what has most of her attention.

an invite delivered with a bouquet of flowers, both sent to her hotel room early in the morning the day before, outfit chosen and tailored .. smiles and childish excitement, excuses to be made pretty and expensive clothes still thrill her even after these almost seven years .. seven years ago, that man already loved paris, french erotic movies, french horror, and there had been plans to go there together throughout their 7-month relationship .. irony, but those are thoughts that won't cross jennie's mind for a few more hours. until then she exists in excitement, blissfully unaware.

as an idol she is anything but a stranger to sneaking away or missing out on experiences for love, but on the day of the fashion show she is met by the news that her ex boyfriend is in attendance of the same show. suddenly: the impulsive choice of ditching an important event because this is the love who snuck into her nightmares even years after it ended.

perhaps things would have looked different if it had been her second or third -- bashful glances and corners of lips curving upwards, while knowing it wouldn't go further. no harm besides planned futures which no longer are shared. quite an ordinary thing in life.

but on paris streets roam her first love, a man who taught her that peaceful love and honesty isn't granted only because there is a relationship between two people. him, the creator of now faint outlines of scars on her thighs. and the memories of being disposable, not good enough for his eyes (and hands) to linger only on her. paired with the insults, comparisons, lies. but he is a superstar. and she cannot risk standing there with him, face to face. because he never lost an argument. a proof in itself after he refused to dismiss their years-late rumors of dating, jennie considers it a petty act of revenge, because nothing in this world would tie her to that man by choice anymore. 2017 jennie simply hadn't been as clever and sometimes the consequences come much later. but who ever think they will be followed by the past to this extent?

wine. the chosen poison of the day. not the correct one, but she will call a friend for further assistance, that chanel show is going to be forgotten by blowing a month's rent on shopping.

no one needs to know why jennie bailed on her fashionshow schedule all of a sudden, not even her friend.

Isabel Allende ― The House of the Spirits

15th october, saturday.

the lights go off and she can hear everything, the crowd cheering, curious, anticipating whatever may come next -- and the increased volume when her name is the only thing in lights. she knows, aims for an element of surprise.

i love you and me, ... dancing in the moonlight ...

a lover of the moon, that's jennie. someone who has sought endless comfort on silent nights by pouring up a bath and watching the sky, or walked out to the river to seek an undefined *something* while in company of only the stars and moon. they see her sins and mistakes, yet never leave her.

he was the same for her once, but not anymore. and she is scared that life lacks meaning.

the man who dances with her is in charge, fluid and gentle in his movements, many which are inspired by ballet. it's dark around them, a rendition of the moon there to blind the crowd and for a brief moment only the shadowy outlines of jennie and her partner exist in the world, no one else. he moves like he cherishes her -- she pushes him away, because that lie has been told before. and jennie want it seen, for the world to be aware that she knows she is trouble, without saying the words.

feigned independence is a contrast of red on the otherwise clean and white backdrop. love isn't only bright and beautiful, it's harsh and complex.

the song and performance hits close to home. that was the whole point, in this way she can open up, tell the world that she is scared of what she longs for the most. am i asking for help?

yet she smiles more than she means to, because this, on the very stage, is the thrill she lives for. until the dancer grabs her hands above her head, because she needs that, someone reaching out to hold her. perhaps to forcefully remind her that she is worth the struggle of fame and gossip, that her fears cannot compare to the hold he has on her. reassurance. possessiveness.

but fear.

her hand refusing to take his once free from the hold, a glamorized battle for control, intimacy, and trust. ( the one who gives up control in love is the one left in pain when the illusion is over ) all mixed in with magnetic drive to not let go, being unable to, being drawn in for more. it settles on the hemline of his pants -- her fingertips onto bare skin as his shirt is undone. love isn't only childish and innocent, it's manipulative and dark, dipped in lust. words unspoken through escapades where the moonlight is the only thing illuminating two lovers. jennie finds it vulnerable, a contrast from what many view as easy, because she believes there is truth in each exchange. it has lead her astray a few times, but unspoken reassuance and an acceptance of each other happens even like that ; tangled up in bed, letting someone see your darkness.

the subtle art of attraction.

she sings about liking how he makes her feel, how it puts a something in her days, how she doesn't care about his previous loves because she plans to be his last, and it all feels like an old page out of her notebook, the one she goes nowhere without.

i don't wanna fall, don't wanna play this game alone with nowhere to hide ...

jennie knows the person the song is about never will be back, she's alone and this is a letter to the moon.

maybe someday someone will understand, and still hold her there through the fight. she wants to think she is valuable enough.

a long week.

jennie rarely lies, unless it causes less concern for those in her surroundings.

hence she lies to her managers when they drive her to the hospital, it’s an accident — tripped on the treadmill again. melodic warmth in her voice but no smile to match it, because the slightest movement of facial muscles causes skin to tug over the open wound and .. it hurts, even if she audibly won’t admit it. 

you’ve been through worse, she coaxes herself into thinking. perhaps the issue is that she got nowhere to reach for comfort, when surroundings are filled with guesses and misconceptions, and she has no patience for explaining the long story of why, or how. likewise, jennie prefers accepting her mistakes as her own, and dislikes not being able to show her best side to those important in her life. acting, at its finest.

it’s tuesday, which also becomes the last time she sees him. until this moment it had merely been subtle bruises on an arm, from conversations that had gotten too direct for his personal tastes. (how come your friend taka says that you’re.. married..? why don’t you find me pretty anymore?) jennie asking too many questions, wanting the clarity, reassurance — anything. things once a given between them, reasons his initial lays permanently inked on her skin - a vast difference from the promises not kept and the reality he showed her.

it backfires, as always. he says he is scared, damaged, lust isn’t important, it’s only her for him, and she believes it. 

until this time.

because jennie no longer loves this man.

———— under the uncomfortably florescent hospital lights alison peers over towards jennie, unamused with the sight, perhaps wondering if the idol did this to herself. it wouldn’t be entirely faulty of a guess, there are certain things one shouldn’t entertain, not even in the name of love. but jennie does.

contrary to popular belief it isn’t an act of harming herself, that can be done without painting it under the illusion of something as inspiring as love.

‘i called your mom.’ 

silence. jennie hasn’t managed to appease her family yet as the aftermath of her scandalous mishaps still hang over her head. now living in her own apartment instead of with them she has simply been unable to find reasons to see them, excuses of tours and being busy helping with just that. so her mother, hearing of this?

pitiful, and hard to swallow. not only because of pride. it reminds of that time in 2017 when jennie dated a very famous man, cunning and manipulative, and the reason she knows her family would stand by a reputable man rather than their daughter. it stings — but maybe not as much as her cheek and eye-area.

‘that was unnecessary..?’ she musters after a moment, gazes no longer meeting because jennie fidgets with her own fingertips as if it would be the most fascinating thing in the world. 

‘she’s going with us to malaysia.’ 

head raised now, an unspoken why? ‘it’s not like i’m going to kill myself.’ slips with a sigh of defeat, possibly annoyance. neither of her parents came to their seoul concerts for what could be the girl-group’s final tour, she would’ve been happy with them being there - not with this.

————

about a day to go until another concert, she should have thought of an excuse for when people sees her in public again but the night is spent awake out of concern for jiho. she can’t put a finger on it, yet somehow jennie feels at fault and saddened by that scenario ; still there is nothing in her might that can fix it, unless he lets her. ironically that helplessness drowns out the own struggles.

on the way to the airport it hits her that she cannot hide this from her surroundings anymore. but she is going to try.

it wouldn’t be the first time she fell on a treadmill.

but preferably the last.

jenrubyjane 03.03 / 16:13kst blinks 🤍 i’m writing this post just in case you guys might get surprised. while taking this small break i’ve been looking after my health, eaten well and slept but while i was exercising, i took a wrong step and fell down and got a small injury on my face 🥺 i hoped it’d heal quickly so that you wouldn’t worry, but it’s still in the process of recovering so i think i’m going to have a band-aid on my face for a while. even if i look dumb, please understand ☺️ i want to put on a good show for everyone and i’m sorry. promise i’ll get better soon so don’t worry, see you soon.