6th October, Thursday.

jenrubyjane

03.03 / 16:13kst

blinks 🤍 i’m writing this post just in case you guys might get surprised. while taking this small break i’ve been looking after my health, eaten well and slept but while i was exercising, i took a wrong step and fell down and got a small injury on my face 🥺 i hoped it’d heal quickly so that you wouldn’t worry, but it’s still in the process of recovering so i think i’m going to have a band-aid on my face for a while. even if i look dumb, please understand ☺️ i want to put on a good show for everyone and i’m sorry. promise i’ll get better soon so don’t worry, see you soon.

03.03 / 16:19kst

you reallyreally don’t need to worry ☺️

03.03 / 16:24kst

that’s why… i can’t really take much pictures these days and i’m getting treatment everyday 🤦‍♀️ i’m sorry blinks 🤕🤕🤕

03.03 / 16:25kst

but now that i’ve told you i’ll try to take pictures even with the band-aid on 🙊🙊🙊

Tender is the night For a broken heart Who will dry your eyes When it falls apart?

“I don’t want to be a piece of art. Nobody touches artwork. They just look from afar and move on.”

— Azra.T  (via 5000letters)

“He’s toxic. His smile will poison you. His boyish charm dangerous. The glint in his eyes as he challenges you to do something devious is lethal.”

— (via hellothisistruth)

Isabel Allende ― The House of the Spirits

“Come over. I don’t really mind whether we talk for hours, get blind drunk, or sit in silence and look up to the stars. Sometimes, the world down here just gets a bit much, and I need to lose myself in someone’s company for a little while.”

— Beau Taplin

a long week.

jennie rarely lies, unless it causes less concern for those in her surroundings.

hence she lies to her managers when they drive her to the hospital, it’s an accident — tripped on the treadmill again. melodic warmth in her voice but no smile to match it, because the slightest movement of facial muscles causes skin to tug over the open wound and .. it hurts, even if she audibly won’t admit it. 

you’ve been through worse, she coaxes herself into thinking. perhaps the issue is that she got nowhere to reach for comfort, when surroundings are filled with guesses and misconceptions, and she has no patience for explaining the long story of why, or how. likewise, jennie prefers accepting her mistakes as her own, and dislikes not being able to show her best side to those important in her life. acting, at its finest.

it’s tuesday, which also becomes the last time she sees him. until this moment it had merely been subtle bruises on an arm, from conversations that had gotten too direct for his personal tastes. (how come your friend taka says that you’re.. married..? why don’t you find me pretty anymore?) jennie asking too many questions, wanting the clarity, reassurance — anything. things once a given between them, reasons his initial lays permanently inked on her skin - a vast difference from the promises not kept and the reality he showed her.

it backfires, as always. he says he is scared, damaged, lust isn’t important, it’s only her for him, and she believes it. 

until this time.

because jennie no longer loves this man.

———— under the uncomfortably florescent hospital lights alison peers over towards jennie, unamused with the sight, perhaps wondering if the idol did this to herself. it wouldn’t be entirely faulty of a guess, there are certain things one shouldn’t entertain, not even in the name of love. but jennie does.

contrary to popular belief it isn’t an act of harming herself, that can be done without painting it under the illusion of something as inspiring as love.

‘i called your mom.’ 

silence. jennie hasn’t managed to appease her family yet as the aftermath of her scandalous mishaps still hang over her head. now living in her own apartment instead of with them she has simply been unable to find reasons to see them, excuses of tours and being busy helping with just that. so her mother, hearing of this?

pitiful, and hard to swallow. not only because of pride. it reminds of that time in 2017 when jennie dated a very famous man, cunning and manipulative, and the reason she knows her family would stand by a reputable man rather than their daughter. it stings — but maybe not as much as her cheek and eye-area.

‘that was unnecessary..?’ she musters after a moment, gazes no longer meeting because jennie fidgets with her own fingertips as if it would be the most fascinating thing in the world. 

‘she’s going with us to malaysia.’ 

head raised now, an unspoken why? ‘it’s not like i’m going to kill myself.’ slips with a sigh of defeat, possibly annoyance. neither of her parents came to their seoul concerts for what could be the girl-group’s final tour, she would’ve been happy with them being there - not with this.

————

about a day to go until another concert, she should have thought of an excuse for when people sees her in public again but the night is spent awake out of concern for jiho. she can’t put a finger on it, yet somehow jennie feels at fault and saddened by that scenario ; still there is nothing in her might that can fix it, unless he lets her. ironically that helplessness drowns out the own struggles.

on the way to the airport it hits her that she cannot hide this from her surroundings anymore. but she is going to try.

it wouldn’t be the first time she fell on a treadmill.

but preferably the last.

jenrubyjane 03.03 / 16:13kst blinks 🤍 i’m writing this post just in case you guys might get surprised. while taking this small break i’ve been looking after my health, eaten well and slept but while i was exercising, i took a wrong step and fell down and got a small injury on my face 🥺 i hoped it’d heal quickly so that you wouldn’t worry, but it’s still in the process of recovering so i think i’m going to have a band-aid on my face for a while. even if i look dumb, please understand ☺️ i want to put on a good show for everyone and i’m sorry. promise i’ll get better soon so don’t worry, see you soon.

anyone 6'0 or taller: stands near me

me: [softly] for fuck's sake

19th september, monday.

she doesn't know it yet -- but this is not going to be her week. monday. an iffy day in general according to popular opinion. perhaps not now, when far from the blues and closer to warmth that feels like summer ; LA. that reasoning lasts for a while ... only a while.

right before recording a performance for a tv segment she is nudged aside by the manager. eyes flickering up to catch sight of his face - then and there, without a word, jennie recognizes this is bad.

what's wrong..? her words go by ignored, a refusal for any sort of explanation or even response until they reach the group's makeup room which has been abandoned by the others.

i haven't done anything, i promise--

interrupted.

they have all your photos.

...all?

disbelief. perhaps she is playing dumb, or simply unable to imagine how fucking bad it is.

the way in which his hand leaves her shoulder is anything but reassuring, yet she stares up at him -- as if she cannot risk blinking in fear of what might come next. ( but no way she could hear wrong on this one ) he is only 4 years older than her, a close friend after the many travels and issues dealt with together. thus, the carefulness in the moment is somehow scaring her more than occasionally being lectured, and he is so visibly uncomfortable, more than jennie ; understandable as her gaze remains locked on him and ........

jennie. they're leaking your nudes..

while he still avoids meeting her eyes there is something so sad in how his voice is filled with nothing but defeat once uttering those words out loud. her name itself spoken almost like an apology. in that second jennie fails to comprehend this is about her, and it feels easier to focus on the concern for her own manager rather than grasp the reality.

reality hits hard when alone a few hours later.

somewhere between then and getting the news, jennie had slept, cried, deleted her private social media accounts, changed passwords. had ignored her mother's phone calls, all five of them. alongside the spam of concerned texts. ( the vision of her father never talking to her again after this got her too ashamed to. )

jennie is mourning the death of the image had -- knowing it will never be the same now, the internet never forgets. those pictures meant only for the love of her life, and no one else. but she cannot reach out to him now, and that is where the stress sets in. how do you rely on anyone now that your mistakes are for the whole world to see? she misses him. wouldn't he have told her that they could run away, find a spot where no one recognizes them? bring her wine, or food? walk through empty streets with his arm pressed against hers on nights when sleep was scared off by anxiety?

it was an easier time when relying on him, but that was then. nothing lasts forever - life so harshly teaches her time and time again.

in the unholy hours of the night jennie leaves the rented LA villa. hints of smeared mascara that has been covered up by makeup, phone on do not disturb. she plans to get in trouble, just to feel something else.

“i think the beauty of nature is something that cannot be replaced. not only from the blue scenery you take in by your eyes, but also from the sound you hear once you step on snow, and that feeling of crisp air. (in moments like those) i feel like everything in me is healing by itself. i got energized by nature and made myself a promise for the new year.” 

Q. what was your promise? february is a good time to make some late new year’s resolutions.

‘let’s put more time towards a healthy body and mind.’ that’s my priority for this year. in terms of work, i also have the desire to show more of my growth than last year. but above all i want to see fans and meet them in person as soon as possible.

Q. in life there’s things that cannot be solved even if trying to. sometimes it feels hopeless / like it’s out of your hands, how does jennie handle such a situation?

even in such a situation i tend to do my utmost and try my very hardest, so i don’t have any regrets. if i can’t solve it after doing everything in my power then i have to put significance into my efforts and the process itself, and accept the outcome. even if i can’t just forget it like nothing happened.

Q. is there a specific moment that makes you realize ‘i value this person and we’re really close’? explain jennie’s way of expressing affection

i tend to be very shy. but when i’ve gotten to know somebody we naturally joke around a lot! i also become very attentive and dedicate myself to taking care of them, and generously try to shower them in my affection.

Q. do you agree with the saying that ‘life is short’? time can pass by quickly yet it can also flow slowly

normally the saying ‘life is short’ didn’t resonate with me. but when suddenly entering into 2022 i thought time had been going by really fast. i guess that’s why i keep making promises/goals for myself ; i should do my best so i can live every moment without regret.

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