On That Roller Coaster Ride! Hands Up! Eyes Clintched Tight! Ima Do It With No Hands!

Idk what to do! I need to figure so many things out. Time is flying by, I want happiness for the both of us wether it’s together or not

Damn, that’s how I feel, frfr.

“I don’t just want words. If that’s all you have for me, you’d better go.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

How can your heart get broken, yet you’re so happy for the situation, because it’s the right way to be and because you know it will make the person happy in the long run.... I may be loosing the closest person I have in my life, but this person that I’m loosing is gaining so much more than I could ever be for them.... I guess that is what people mean by, bittersweet....

Mental health is real, and it suck if someone plays on that. It’s confusing, painful, hurtful, and just wrong. Playing on someone’s mental health is a form of abuse. I don’t understand how people can be so cold and calculating. I don’t want to change who I am. I’m loving, understanding, loyal, and I take pride in my relationships. Lately my husband throws things at me that I no longer do or that I’ve worked on yet I still have to pay for it. I pay for loving him. If I don’t have what he needs then he doesn’t need me. I’m one in the chamber away from being done. But I do believe in God, I don’t believe in suicide I’ve always thought of it as selfish and cowardly but I no longer feel that way. I don’t know what to do anymore. No matter what I do I can’t make him want me. He has betrayed me in the worst way yet here I am, all he has to say is I want, I need, can you, and I do. I shove everything down and do what he asked. I’m about to explode, I don’t know what is real anymore. He confuses me and gets off on my pain and confusion. How do you do that to the one that you love. I wish that I could take my feelings for him and put them in a sealed container and forget it all, imagine that I can’t remember yesterday but I remember every ounce of pain he has caused me. It’s sucks I have memory issues per the doctor. So my memory stays so messed up and it gets used against me daily. He is torturing me, and most hurtful of all, he enjoys this and tells me daily I’m the problem. Im the reason he hurts me and doesn’t care about hurting me. So I beg him to go and he knows I can’t make him so he just ignores me or comes and goes as he pleases. Im about to break. Im not evil but he can bring that out in me. Why, if he doesn’t want me, why not let me go, why torture me….. I don’t know how much more I can take.

Still not one word. I feel like I just got befriended, betrayed, forgotten... this isn’t like me, I’m used to how people are, why do I always think so positive about people who her so evil, fake, and as always I’m without someone that I thought I earned trust from. I understood his issues and what I didn’t know I would figure out. But, ya know, obviously he wasn’t special, I am always good to people even when others say they don’t deserve my time, I’m always looking at every side of a situation. That’s the Gemini.... I’m not changing for anyone, but it’s so hard to try and build with someone to begin with much less continuously having to or wanting to try again to let someone new in to your circle as some call it, but I do keep my friends that are real and give them everything that a friend should! Im so emabarassed that I let him so close, I guess time will heal that...

Facts, smh

And it begins... the days are not so lonely. And it’s not because I worked myself to death and made sure not to What is this? Is this that “time” thing he couldn’t explain, but it’s loud and clear now! And so it begins....

I stay in pain all of the time. I was beginning to think that it was in my head until I find out I have some semi serious issues going on, and if I don’t make some changes now, with in 4 years maybe 5 years I’ll be in a wheelchair and that is worse than I could imagine… even though I’ve got proof of this my on and off again husband acts like There’s nothing wrong with me. No matter how I talk to him or try and confide in him, he just acts like I’m faking, or that it’s not that serious. I don’t get it. I mean I would understand if I thought he was worried or concerned at all, but he goes on about life getting to be a little more of an asshole daily. It’s like after he’s been an asshole for a couple days. After he slept on the couch periodically through the week. Then he wakes up one morning and wants to go shopping and do something together. Which I don’t normally I would love. But, it’s really hard to act like everything is OK when it’s been like this. I’m not a light switch. I tried to talk to him I’m trying to explain things how I feel be open. But it’s like he doesn’t even hear me. So I wouldn’t want to go be around him when he makes me feel stupid for asking questions or for not understanding something when all of it comes from the issues that I’m having it’s not my fault I would never make him feel stupid about anything I don’t get people. Especially not him. I Feel like if he wants to stick this out with me and work through this with me. And things would be totally different. I refuse to continue to cause conflict between us for something that I have no control over, this is all too much! But what do I expect when I ever need him the most he’s never been there.

.