And It Begins... The Days Are Not So Lonely. And It’s Not Because I Worked Myself To Death And Made

I feel you

“Too shy to say, but I hope you stay.”

— Billie Eilish / come out and play

So, I’m thinking that things with my husband are always gonna go the same path, no matter how much I work on myself or how much I change up things I do…. I always fall into thinking that we are doing better, and he’s actually not talking to me like shit daily, that he actually wants me around, then bam, I get hit with reality. We are home and he’s in his building like always and I’m in my room/0ffice/closet, whatever, and he is texting a friend asking him to go to the bar…. Damn if we’re doing well, and I’m home doing nothing special and so is he, then why would he texting friends asking if they want to hit up a bar, which would probably end up being Hooters which is absolutely fine, it’s not like that’s the part that bothers me. We are at the house a lot together, but we never talk, hang out or for the most part even eat together. This is not the way I want my relationship to be anymore, I want to be with someone that has time to do whatever periodically, and wants to do things with me. Not go drink with friends. If we spent time together, actually in one another’s company, then I wouldn’t care if he ran off with a buddy every now and then, I don’t want to spend 24/7 with him, I’m not a controlling person, I guess call me needy, I just want to feel wanted from time to time, Or ever. Right now I feel like I am dropping everything for him to do whatever he wants or needs me to do, slacking on my work and responsibilities, worrying about shit like how bad I’ve got to get an oil change, reminding myself that I need to put a little antifreeze In here, is my tire pumped up, and so on, when just for the simple fact that I am his wife, and knowing that I’m using my moms car, the circumstances as to why, he should have already at least attempted to help me with or get the vehicle things accomplished. It’s always 99 % of the time about himself, and tbh, I have no guarantees that anything that helps him or benefits him, does anything for me at all. I know of many times him coming in to money or him winning money, and we were together, well I’d be lucky if I ever knew period. It’s only gotten worse than better so wtf is wrong with me, then the minute I get myself to a point to be able to let go, he’s automatically totally different and makes me think it’s gonna different and I automatically feel guilty and like if I leave or ask him to go then Im wrong. I’ve always heard that ex’s are ex’s for a reason….. what is really the worst part of it all is that I am not brand new. I know what reality is, I just always think that it’s gonna be better….

I feel so stupid. I’m not happy, and haven’t been for so long now. He steadily tells me he’s not trying and he is an asshole on purpose and he can’t tell me what I’ve done to cause this he just says he knows that I’m lying, I need some real advice. I love him, and we have been through a lot. I’ve not cheated on him but he cheated on me. Of course it was my fault because of what I was doing he says and I take care of my mother, that’s my job. So I’ve been trying to get approved to get paid since I can no longer work, it’s been a long hard rd, so I do not what I can on her good days to make some money, I shouldn’t but I smoke cigs, I’m female so I have certain things that my moms check can’t cover nor would I let her pay my way, she worked a couple of jobs 3 at one time if I remember correctly during my high school years so she deserves her check to be and do for her, so , I clean a house boat periodically, or a house/apartments, a couple of businesses, when they call, and I’m able to do so. And my work hours are never 8-5, it’s always random and it has to be that way. We discussed this before we got back together this last time, somewhere along the way he got upset, and just assuming I knew he was bothered he told everyone except me by the time I realized I was hearing about him cheating and I still have not wronged him but he doesn’t believe me. I feel like this has been a couple of years now and I feel like I’m still paying for it! He goes from hot to cold. I feel like I walk on eggshells the better I try and be he stays his same asshole. I know deep down that I don’t deserve this but I continue to allow it and take it when I try to get him to move out he always ends up staying and still the same. What is he trying to do to me is he torturing me on purpose…. I can’t win. He knows that I love him, I do any and everything that I can for him and it’s never appreciated or acknowledged really and I’m lonely. I begged him to just please move out. Be done with me if I’m so bad. I can’t take living like this and he kinda changes up a little and just when I think we might make it, he just stops coming to the bed to sleep and starts his attitude like I basically can’t speak to him until he does me without him snapping, and guy he sounds like a monster kinda from what I’m saying but as far as a person or friend goes he’s amazing but it’s like he gets back with me and I’m the worst enemy. I stay so confused and I’ve got some personal things going that I’m tryin to get worked out so I’ve been sick for about 2 months and idk I just don’t know what to do anymore any words of advice or ideas HELP THIS IS BREAKING ME

My father in law of 21 years actually did that to me a few weeks back…. Just acknowledgment was more than anything else that he could’ve said.

“Sometimes when I say “I’m okay”, I need someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say “I know you are not”.”

— Unknown

If you wanna do you ima do me!

Had to repost! I tried so hard to go forward with him.... we just can’t seem to get it together!

“We can’t go backward. There are too many regrets. Please just move forward with me?”

— Renee Carlino, Swear on This Life: A Novel

You’ll see that you will be able to adapt regardless

“If you care about somebody, you should want them to be happy. Even if you wind up being left out.”

— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of being a Wallflower

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”

— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I can’t speak to him without frustrating him. I feel like he absolutely hates me at times. I really wanted this to work. I’m tired of being called a bitch, or bring told that I’m bitching, I am a very passionate person, but when someone Fucks with my heart, then I am a bitch. So if I’ve been a bitch to him at all then he’s been fuckin with my heart. It doesn’t have to be like this, but he’s about to get what he has been giving. Then he can call me a bitch……