How Am I Ever Gonna Be Just Your Friend?

This is so true!

Haven’t posted in a while, my life is so hectic right now. And I saw him today, 6 months of nothing then outta the blue he messaged me, I think we have a bond because we both got hurt around the same time and we held one another together. I don’t fully understand why it went the way it did….. I’m just glad to have you back in my life….. maybe we can help one another again!!!

Damn, I just want to forget about him, us, forget that I ever met him! He did the ultimate deal breaker, it’s got to be over, dude were you even my friend, cause with friends like that I damn sure don’t need any enemies.... smh

I’m trying

Mental health is real, and it suck if someone plays on that. It’s confusing, painful, hurtful, and just wrong. Playing on someone’s mental health is a form of abuse. I don’t understand how people can be so cold and calculating. I don’t want to change who I am. I’m loving, understanding, loyal, and I take pride in my relationships. Lately my husband throws things at me that I no longer do or that I’ve worked on yet I still have to pay for it. I pay for loving him. If I don’t have what he needs then he doesn’t need me. I’m one in the chamber away from being done. But I do believe in God, I don’t believe in suicide I’ve always thought of it as selfish and cowardly but I no longer feel that way. I don’t know what to do anymore. No matter what I do I can’t make him want me. He has betrayed me in the worst way yet here I am, all he has to say is I want, I need, can you, and I do. I shove everything down and do what he asked. I’m about to explode, I don’t know what is real anymore. He confuses me and gets off on my pain and confusion. How do you do that to the one that you love. I wish that I could take my feelings for him and put them in a sealed container and forget it all, imagine that I can’t remember yesterday but I remember every ounce of pain he has caused me. It’s sucks I have memory issues per the doctor. So my memory stays so messed up and it gets used against me daily. He is torturing me, and most hurtful of all, he enjoys this and tells me daily I’m the problem. Im the reason he hurts me and doesn’t care about hurting me. So I beg him to go and he knows I can’t make him so he just ignores me or comes and goes as he pleases. Im about to break. Im not evil but he can bring that out in me. Why, if he doesn’t want me, why not let me go, why torture me….. I don’t know how much more I can take.

So, I’m thinking that things with my husband are always gonna go the same path, no matter how much I work on myself or how much I change up things I do…. I always fall into thinking that we are doing better, and he’s actually not talking to me like shit daily, that he actually wants me around, then bam, I get hit with reality. We are home and he’s in his building like always and I’m in my room/0ffice/closet, whatever, and he is texting a friend asking him to go to the bar…. Damn if we’re doing well, and I’m home doing nothing special and so is he, then why would he texting friends asking if they want to hit up a bar, which would probably end up being Hooters which is absolutely fine, it’s not like that’s the part that bothers me. We are at the house a lot together, but we never talk, hang out or for the most part even eat together. This is not the way I want my relationship to be anymore, I want to be with someone that has time to do whatever periodically, and wants to do things with me. Not go drink with friends. If we spent time together, actually in one another’s company, then I wouldn’t care if he ran off with a buddy every now and then, I don’t want to spend 24/7 with him, I’m not a controlling person, I guess call me needy, I just want to feel wanted from time to time, Or ever. Right now I feel like I am dropping everything for him to do whatever he wants or needs me to do, slacking on my work and responsibilities, worrying about shit like how bad I’ve got to get an oil change, reminding myself that I need to put a little antifreeze In here, is my tire pumped up, and so on, when just for the simple fact that I am his wife, and knowing that I’m using my moms car, the circumstances as to why, he should have already at least attempted to help me with or get the vehicle things accomplished. It’s always 99 % of the time about himself, and tbh, I have no guarantees that anything that helps him or benefits him, does anything for me at all. I know of many times him coming in to money or him winning money, and we were together, well I’d be lucky if I ever knew period. It’s only gotten worse than better so wtf is wrong with me, then the minute I get myself to a point to be able to let go, he’s automatically totally different and makes me think it’s gonna different and I automatically feel guilty and like if I leave or ask him to go then Im wrong. I’ve always heard that ex’s are ex’s for a reason….. what is really the worst part of it all is that I am not brand new. I know what reality is, I just always think that it’s gonna be better….

Life is so busy sometimes, it definitely keeps me preoccupied for the most part, but there’s that time of day, when everything is quiet and still no chill cause damn, then I’m left to deal with forgetting you... forgive and forget right? That’s how I’ve been taught my whole life... my ignorant self jus needs to forget.,. I feel like that’s where healing begins... I’m usually pretty good at this part. Totally the unfortunate time to fall so deep that when you realize it’s there, that you’re feelings are passionate, and exotic with someone that may be the same as you, or as close as you assume it could get.... then to see changes, like a light switch as soon as my guard hits the ground, I feel like I almost hit the ground myself, I must be wrong, I must’ve been fooled, and in some of the worst ways... like automatically backtracking, life situations cause if I’m wrong about this, then I really must not know anyone at all, or I’ve done something fucked up to someone to be catching this shit. I know me, I treat people right, I help others if they need and I can, I stay in my lane, if someone needs me I’m here, so it’s me, I’m ignorant, how do you forget what made you feel this, what played like a friend yet lived like a snake in the grass. Fake, has to be or it would be different, we would at the least be friends, I felt like I bonded with you, it’s not possible to go from that to this.... my head is killing me! I’m jus ready to forget.... Tomorrow is a new day, fresh start... there has to be more to life, good people, somewhere... I’m not gonna let anyone change me... regardless of what anyone else may feel, I kinda like me, I’m a Gemini so I’m a little different but I’m good to others, I smile at someone just because I may get a smile back, and I do what I say. I don’t steal, I may talk your head off or not say two words, I’m a loner at times and a social butterfly mix, yeah. There has to be other good, honest people somewhere, ugh!